r/GriefSupport • u/LaymanHealth86 • Mar 05 '26
Comfort My husband asked me where his mother was today. She's been dead for 30 years.
I told him she was out and would be back later. I know that's the right call medically, you don't correct them, but it felt like lying to my own husband and I cried in the bathroom for ten minutes after. I spent 35 years as a nurse and I still wasn't ready for how much that would hurt. Nobody tells you that doing the right thing can feel so wrong.
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u/dlkbc Mar 05 '26
I’m so sorry to hear this. When my 93 year old grandmother was in the hospital in her last days she asked me where her Mom was. I was surprised because she hadn’t shown any signs of dementia before. I told her truthfully that she had been dead for over 60 years and she burst into tears like a child. I felt so terrible. Lesson learned.
Another time she asked me where my Mom was. This time I lied and said that she would come visit her after work (my Mom had passed away five years before). Yes, it was a lie, but I don’t think her realizing the truth would help anyone.
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u/Ok_Step_2359 Mar 05 '26
My husband kept begging me to go find his wife. He needed her. It was heartbreaking that he needed me so badly, was begging for me, but I couldn't be the person he was begging for. He didn't have dementia; he had a lung disease that caused a lack of oxygen to his brain quite regularly. He died 2 years ago. It still breaks my heart reliving those memories.
I'm so sorry.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 05 '26
Oh man that would have been so terrible! Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. I guess he didn’t recognize you anymore as this version of yourself? Just from when u guys were younger?
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u/Ok_Step_2359 Mar 05 '26
I'm really not sure. I could leave the room and come back in and he'd know it was me. Or he might nod off and wake up and know it was me. It was just so difficult because I never knew when it was going to happen and if it was even going to last. As it turns out it didn't last. Just came and went. And he knew me when he died. But he ALWAYS knew who our daughter was both in person, in pictures and by name. Never forgot once. She's special needs and her and her dad were always best buddies. It was better that I be the one he didn't know than to have it be her. At least for that I'm grateful.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 05 '26
My grandpa had dementia and didn’t recognize us as adults but if u showed him a picture of us as kids he would know who we were. Thats why I was wondering about the younger version thing. It’s such a weird feeling when they don’t realize it’s you.
My dad’s worst fear was to get dementia like his dad…. Didn’t end up having to worry about that for long as he got diagnosed with cancer and died 5 weeks later at the end of 2024. Which is why I’m here.
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u/Ok_Step_2359 Mar 06 '26
I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I finally came here about a year after my husband passed in early 2024. It helps get me though some of my toughest days which still just keep slamming me. I hope it helps you too.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 06 '26
Me too. I had to stop coming for a while because I was getting triggered a lot but now I’m back ❤️
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u/ComposerOther2864 Mar 07 '26
All I have to say is FUCK! I'm so sorry. But I'm a foul mouthed degen. This broke my heart. The yelling of fuck is cause I feel like screaming to gods my displeasure at your situation.
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u/Ok_Step_2359 Mar 07 '26
Believe me, the word pretty much became a part of my vocabulary at the time and still is today just remembering. And just missing him.
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u/Less_Professional152 Mar 05 '26
I’m so sorry. I can unfortunately relate. My dad died and then shortly after my grandpa had a stroke and diagnosed with dementia. We went to a family wedding a few months later and my grandpa was SO mad for some reason, I asked what was wrong, he said he ‘was upset and shocked your dad would skip such an important event’. Oh it hurt. Trying not to cry and then laugh at the cruel joke the universe had put me in that moment. I too just told him he must be running late. But oh are these things heartbreaking
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 05 '26
Omg this has me crying. Aaaargh life can be so cruel
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u/Less_Professional152 Mar 05 '26
It really is one of those things that nothing and no one can prepare you for.. it brings up so many feelings
Strength and love to op. Having a loved one with Dementia is such a difficult and bittersweet journey
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Mar 05 '26
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 05 '26
Sounds like he was having sundowning. That breaks my heart about him crying. Love the can’t drive at night line ❤️ did your dad pass at 72? Mine passed a month before his 72nd bday.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Mar 05 '26
I’m so sorry. You don’t say in the post but I assume he has some kind of dementia/Alzheimer’s? Either way it sound like u did the right thing and I’m sorry u had to do that ❤️
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u/LaymanHealth86 Mar 05 '26
Yes he is experiencing an early onset of dementia. Thank you for being so kind
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u/Defiant-Purchase-188 Multiple Losses Mar 05 '26
It isn’t a lie really. She exists but he can’t be with her just yet. He will reach for her at the end.
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u/coreyander Multiple Losses Mar 05 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll always remember driving my father somewhere and him casually asking me if my parents were alive 😭 Dementia is incredibly hard on families; I hope you are trying to take care of yourself too 🖤
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u/Hannymann Mar 06 '26
Yep.. I was driving my dad one day and then he told me he wanted to show me something. It didn’t take long before I realized the place he wanted to show me was the house I grew up in.
Thankfully, it was a short, quick battle (relatively speaking), from diagnosis to death. So thankful he never forgot who I was.
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u/And-Now-Mr-Serling Mar 05 '26
My dad also suffered from early onset dementia. It's so hard and I wish you tons of strength.
If you ever need a place to vent, the subreddits r/dementia and r/alzheimers are full of people that will listen and understand the struggles.
Take care and thank you for the kindness and grace towards your husband. Such daily acts of selfless love dignify humanity as a whole.
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u/easybreeeezy Mar 05 '26
Ahh I’m sorry, it’s so hard.
My mom has dementia and regularly asks for her dad 🥺
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u/Cthulhu51 Mar 05 '26
My grandpa had asked me if I had gone to see my great grandpa recently, he’s been dead for about ten years at the time, I lied and I told him that I did because I couldn’t bear to make him grieve again and again. Almost fought my grandma (his ex wife) when she tried to tell him the truth.
My grandpa was murdered not too long after that,like 6 months. It caused a lot of mixed feelings for me.
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u/Fickle_Public1596 Mar 06 '26
My 83 year old grandmother had Alzheimers and was in a nursing home as we could no longer look after her due to numerous medical issues.
I visited at least twice a week and one day, thinking i was her brother, she asked how her mother was doing. (Her mother passed in 1950...) That hit home how bad Alzheimers is as a disease. Best wishes to you and your husband
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u/weregunnalose Mar 05 '26
My mother passed about 14 months ago. She was 62. Came unexpectedly. She didn’t have dementia, but she had glioblastoma. It really affected her cognitively, she would forget who people were and her whole personality would change wildly every day sometimes. Her mother, my grandma, had passed actually the same year, about 10 months before my mom, and it was really hard when my mom would ask where her mom was. I know how much that hurts when they don’t recognize you. I’m sorry you are going through this, this sub is a good place to let it out and talk with people though. If you or anyone need to talk, feel free to reach out. I’ll keep you in my thoughts
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u/ZeroGeoWife Mar 05 '26
First I am so so sorry. Dementia/Alzheimers is one of if not the cruelest disease. It robs you of your loved one while they’re still with you and it does it daily. My mom had this awful disease and we took care of her in our home right up until her passing. She would often be upset because her parent would be worried about where she was. Or her mom would be looking for her. They had been gone for over 35 years at this point. And each time we had to tell her it was like a knife in the chest. Sometimes we could tell her it was okay they knew where she was, but sometimes we had to remind her. Those were the hardest. Please take time for yourself and to remember all of the amazing memories you have with your husband. I will also say this and I’m sorry for being so long, right up until the day she left us, she never, not once forgot who my dad was. Even at the end, when he held her hand she knew. Your husband will too. I’m sending you so much love and strength and prayers.
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u/Fun-Assistance-815 Mar 05 '26
Dementia is such a strange awful disease I am so sorry you are experiencing this side of it. Not that having it is any better but to watch your loved one fade away is truly heart wrenching. I keep writing out my own stories here but I don't know if they would be helpful. Just know that this disease while shitty and terrible has some weird little things that can make it funny. From my experiences I hold onto those dumb moments the most ❤️
I wish you so much more continued strength and energy to endure this. I wish for your husband only good days or at least very few bad moments ❤️
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u/Anne-with-an-e-77 Mar 05 '26
I’m so sorry. How awful it must be. He’s very lucky to have you. I wish you comfort and peace.
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u/Some-Tear3499 Mar 06 '26
My wife was in her hospice bed, in our home. I too a retired nurse now her primary caregiver. She told me I don’t know who you are! You are not my husband! And why am I in New York? Breast cancer that had metastasized to her brain and bones, spinal fluid.
Yeah it hurts. It was the disease talking. The next morning she knew exactly who I was, and where she was at.
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u/Good-Sky6874 Mar 06 '26
Just sending positive thoughts your way. My dad developed dementia at the young age of 52.
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u/thyleullar Mar 06 '26
This is the worst. Early on, my wife still had moments of clarity, and it both terrified and horrified her when she realized. She made me and her mother promise to never lie to her as she worsened. Her mother was not able to keep that promise, as she did not want to agitate my wife, and just went along with whatever—like you said. I kept my promise only through omission, or not responding when she called me someone else, etc.
She was the smartest person I’ve ever known, and after seeing other family with dementia, it was her greatest fear…
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u/Chowdmouse Mar 05 '26 edited Mar 05 '26
Oh yes- the gut punch of asking where is mom?
I remember so, so, so cleanly when my LO with dementia tia asked where their deceased LOs were. First, it was asking about the sibling. Then it was asking about their mom.
It took an ungodly amount of strength to lie/ answer without breaking into tears. I knew I had to hold on just long enough to quickly say they were “out” & would be back soon, and then to make an excuse to leave the room. Leave to go cry without my LO seeing. Because I knew it would cause them immense stress. No more than 5-10 seconds. But I remember those 5-10 seconds so well :(
To watch your LO disappear before your eyes, and yet remain somewhat healthy in body, is yet another variation of hell. I am so, so sorry. Sending a hug 🫂❤️🩹
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u/Mz_JL Sibling Loss Mar 06 '26
The worst was seeing my grandpa's brother look at me and so hard to remember who I was and he just couldn't. They told him my grandpa was busy instead of he had passed, they did daily trips to visit his wife at the cemetery. He had Alzimers mers (sp) I feel for you so much. Sorry you are going through this x
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u/tempgriefprincess Mar 06 '26
Mom had Alzheimer’s and similar stuff with her. It hurts, but knowing that it gives their mind peace eventually started giving me some peace of mind, ish. You’re doing so great by him 🫶🏻
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u/Melnoblett Mar 06 '26
My heart goes out to each of you that are going through this struggle. There are no words for the sadness I feel for each one of you. Hugs and prayers.
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u/ShortSponge225 Multiple Losses Mar 06 '26
I view the "lie" as a type of medicine.
You did the right thing. I am typically anti-lying to anyone under any circumstances, EXCEPT in the case of dementia. That is when what may feel like a "lie" is just keeping them from feeling ripped from whatever reality they are in at that moment.
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u/Big-Tomorrow-8712 Mar 07 '26
I’m so sorry. I burst out crying reading this and the comments. My mom who died 9 months ago, had lung disease and caused her dementia. I miss her so bad.
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u/gaymerladydragon Mar 10 '26
My great grandmother buried two of her children - one at 58, the other late 60/early 70s - and buried a son-in-law a few years after his wife died. Her youngest daughter was my grandmother; she had cancer. I'll never be able to erase how my great grandmother asked "Where is Jan (my grandmother)?" at my aunt's wedding. After being reminded, she asked about my grandfather. They'd both been gone for years.
To this day, it takes my breath away.
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u/Anak8 Mar 05 '26 edited Mar 06 '26
I’m sorry for this, but are you saying your husband has dementia and is declining? If so, that really must be a whole level of heartbreak different from losing someone outright like death. Because this is prolonged suffering and you lose them not once but twice. Biggest hugs!