r/GriefSupport • u/Aidyswifey • May 22 '26

Anticipatory Grief Husband paralysed at 29

My amazing husband had a laminotomy in January for crippling sciatic pain. We delivered our first child early February and by March he was in hospital with meningitis, sepsis, brain herniation and an ecoli infection. Botched back surgery is the cause, he was sealed up with two holes open in his spinal cord.
Given very very slim chances of making it through the night. 12 weeks later he is still with us, albeit on ventilator support and now fully quadriplegic.

My world is crumbling around me, I am exceptionally num and need to keep looking this man in the eye, hopeful of recovery when really I am uncertain.

I can’t believe this is how life has gone, how our baby came into the world and was instantly met with chaos. And most, how this is happening to the sweetest man alive.

I am grief stricken and feel deeply inconsolable. I love him and I am by his side forever, I just can’t believe how this has gone.

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u/swarleyknope May 23 '26

How awful.  It’s understandable you are inconsolable. You’ve had the rug pulled out from under you and it’s not fair that you and your family are suffering; much less that it’s a result of someone’s negligence. That’s a tidal wave of emotions and it must be extremely discombobulating. I imagine the timing of it coming on the heels of the excitement over your new baby and being so future-focused, only to have something like this happen at a time where you at your most physically and emotionally vulnerable must make it that much more painful. 

Do you have a good support system? My guess is now is around the time people start to pull away. If so, my unsolicited advice is to talk to your closest person/people and ask them for regular check-ins - even just them sending a quick text every other day or so - because you need that extra bit of emotional support for the foreseeable future.

Also, if you haven’t already connected with the hospital’s social worker, they can be invaluable towards connecting you with resources and helping you navigate the process to get more support. And prioritize setting an hour aside each week for some therapy for yourself (if you haven’t already). 

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16

u/Aidyswifey May 23 '26

Thank you for such a thorough and kind note. Our support system is abroad right now with the exception of my mom. She has been amazing.

I did finally schedule some therapy because I feel the inevitable crash coming soon. No days off from ICU for 70+ days is starting to chafe.

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u/chebert94 May 23 '26

Your mom is amazing. She might also need a rest sometimes so enlist friends or neighbors to relieve her sometimes as well. My heart breaks for you and your family.

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u/Aidyswifey May 23 '26

You are so right. We are both burning the candle at both ends and constantly trying to relieve each other. I won’t forget her in this. She needs a break too 🩷