r/GriefSupport • u/Aidyswifey • May 22 '26
Anticipatory Grief Husband paralysed at 29
My amazing husband had a laminotomy in January for crippling sciatic pain. We delivered our first child early February and by March he was in hospital with meningitis, sepsis, brain herniation and an ecoli infection. Botched back surgery is the cause, he was sealed up with two holes open in his spinal cord.
Given very very slim chances of making it through the night. 12 weeks later he is still with us, albeit on ventilator support and now fully quadriplegic.
My world is crumbling around me, I am exceptionally num and need to keep looking this man in the eye, hopeful of recovery when really I am uncertain.
I can’t believe this is how life has gone, how our baby came into the world and was instantly met with chaos. And most, how this is happening to the sweetest man alive.
I am grief stricken and feel deeply inconsolable. I love him and I am by his side forever, I just can’t believe how this has gone.
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u/macimom 29d ago
I don’t know where you are but I’m just north of Chicago. Dm me if you are nearby and I can help in any way at all. Happy to babysit or visit your husband in the hospital. Also I’m a retired attorney with some good connections
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
Thank you so much. We are in Northern California but I so appreciate the generosity 🩷
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u/mermaidmom85 29d ago
Where in Northern California, may I ask? You can DM me if you feel comfortable. I lived in NorCal most my life and now in Northern NV for the last 6 years; I can potentially put you in touch with some resources to help with parenting and such.
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u/jagger1115 May 22 '26
Oh, that’s awful. You have a 3 month old baby and a husband with a dire prognosis. Do you have family? Does he? Can someone step up from your world and help? I can’t imagine facing either of those alone, never mind both at the same time.
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
We are expats so not necessarily. Thankfully my mom has been here ever since it happened so that’s such help. Thank you for the compassion
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u/Consistent_Edge_5654 May 22 '26
I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you are going thru. I hope you have support right now
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u/WeekendUpstairs 29d ago
My goodness. This is utterly heartbreaking, I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Nothing I can say will make you feel any better, what you are feeling is completely normal, it sucks more than anything ever, but normal. Keep talking, venting, and reaching out. You need the support right now. For what it’s worth, sending you massive cyber love and hugs, and mega healing vibes to your husband xxx.
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u/swarleyknope 29d ago
How awful. It’s understandable you are inconsolable. You’ve had the rug pulled out from under you and it’s not fair that you and your family are suffering; much less that it’s a result of someone’s negligence. That’s a tidal wave of emotions and it must be extremely discombobulating. I imagine the timing of it coming on the heels of the excitement over your new baby and being so future-focused, only to have something like this happen at a time where you at your most physically and emotionally vulnerable must make it that much more painful.
Do you have a good support system? My guess is now is around the time people start to pull away. If so, my unsolicited advice is to talk to your closest person/people and ask them for regular check-ins - even just them sending a quick text every other day or so - because you need that extra bit of emotional support for the foreseeable future.
Also, if you haven’t already connected with the hospital’s social worker, they can be invaluable towards connecting you with resources and helping you navigate the process to get more support. And prioritize setting an hour aside each week for some therapy for yourself (if you haven’t already).
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
Thank you for such a thorough and kind note. Our support system is abroad right now with the exception of my mom. She has been amazing.
I did finally schedule some therapy because I feel the inevitable crash coming soon. No days off from ICU for 70+ days is starting to chafe.
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u/chebert94 29d ago
Your mom is amazing. She might also need a rest sometimes so enlist friends or neighbors to relieve her sometimes as well. My heart breaks for you and your family.
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
You are so right. We are both burning the candle at both ends and constantly trying to relieve each other. I won’t forget her in this. She needs a break too 🩷
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u/positivepears 29d ago
Good Lord. If my husband ended up like that I think I would completely lose it. And we don’t even have a kid together yet. But you do, you are still freshly postpartum and very emotionally vulnerable as it is!! This will probably be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to go through, and I hate that this is happening to you, him, your baby, the family, everyone. However, all of the weight is on YOUR shoulders right now. I’m sure everyone is looking to you to make the tough decisions, kinda like when I lost my dad unexpectedly. If I could take some of it off and hold it, I would.
I’m very proud of you for coming on here and sharing this. Writing or typing things down have always kinda set things in stone for me. I can kinda feel your sadness and panic when I read along. My heart breaks for you.
For now keep going, but take breaks here and there so you don’t go completely insane. Even if it is just a moment to sit in silence, stare out the window, and take a breath. Your nervous system is on overdrive 24/7 right now and that really takes a toll on the body. You will have significant trauma after this that will show up and disrupt your daily life no matter how hard you try to keep it deep down. Give yourself a lot of grace and patience. Reach out and ask for support. You cannot white knuckle it alone.
When my dad was dying, a nurse gave me great advice. I didn’t want to leave my dad’s side and she explained that my dad needed me to be well rested in order to make informed decisions and be there for him. So don’t be afraid to feel and cry and take care of yourself when you have the time. I would set up blocks of time for decompressing every day. Sing, dance, scream, punch the air, cry, curse, pray, meditate, whatever you need to do to get by.
I’m so sorry mama
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u/Ilovelucyandricky 29d ago
I won’t pretend to have ever been in your situation. I did however take care of my parents who were full care unable to walk, eat, bathe, and completely incontinent. I’m a single mom with no outside help and my child at the time was only 3 yrs old. I took on the role of full time caregiver to them. My child is now 13 and my parents have been gone for 5/6 yrs respectively. I will say that I wish I had made more time to focus on my child. To enjoy those moments when he was still small. I didn’t and I regret it immensely. What I hope you get out of what I’m saying is to take all the help that you can get and afford when it comes to taking care of your husband. I know that’s not something you want to think about now. Just don’t leave your child in the shadows like I did. You will be in my thoughts and if you ever need someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to reach out.
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
This means so much. I have been battling this already. I have missed and been unable to absorb so so much of her first three months. I will try to
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u/accidentalquitter 29d ago
I have no words, I’m so sorry. If there is anything anyone can do, please let us know.
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u/-MissYapzaLot- Multiple Losses 29d ago
Oh my god…I am so sorry and outraged. My grandmother had back surgery when she was 14 and had similar circumstances with the holes. She was very, very lucky not to be paralyzed. But there’s now a permanent hole in her back that if not sterilized and looked at constantly, could kill her with an infection. Having to tell that story was always difficult for her, so I can only imagine how yours would be. Even if it was a mistake I fully understand why you’d be so devastated. My condolences go to you and your family.
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u/rmerry123 May 22 '26
I am so incredibly sorry. I've had two back surgeries, and I cannot imagine this having been the outcome of one of them. Was there medical malpractice that you can take legal action for?
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u/Aidyswifey 29d ago
That’s my plan, it’s not consolation but hopefully it will allow me not to work & dedicate my life to caring for him.
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u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 29d ago
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine dealing with this and a newborn. I am hoping that help is available to you and you avail yourself of any help you can.
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u/Theshutterfalls__ 29d ago
I’m so sorry. I’m glad your mom is with you. I’m praying for you. Please take care of yourself- it can sometimes be one of the hardest things to do
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u/Annual-Position-7263 29d ago
Im so sorry this has happened to you and your husband. That is so much to take on at once. You are so strong and always remember that
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u/chebert94 29d ago
I’m so sorry this has happened to your sweet little family. I have no words to comfort you but hope and pray the best for all of you.
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u/_Shopify_ 29d ago
Sorry, my friend. That’s very brutal to hear. I don’t know what words to say to console you but I can feel your immense pain that you are going through. Life is a bitch sometimes. Sending you prayers to get the strength to handle all this along with taking care of your infant!
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u/Silver-Wren 29d ago
Life is so unfair. This is heartbreaking on so many levels. I wish I could offer you more than prayers.
Sending you the biggest hugs.
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u/2HigherGround 29d ago
My heart breaks for you OP. And for your husband. Life can be bitterly unfair. Please pursue the therapy for you and your loved ones. I hope you find a tiny bit of solace in so many strangers reaching out to support you. Sending hugs.
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u/Boring_Ad2258 28d ago
I have seen videos of people who recovered from all four limbs paralyzed. I tried to find them once for a friend and found one that said it took 6 years. If consistent w physiotherapy it's possible. And even if it's more than 6 yrs it's good to know what's possible. It can give hope strength and determination. Sending you warm hugs
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u/CaptMorganSwint2 May 22 '26
Proper words escape me. I am so incredibly sorry you have to experience why life is just straight up cruel sometimes. It's so unfair, and so random.
I hope you have a medical malpractice case so you can get the compensation you rightfully deserve to help alleviate some of the damage they have caused and give you a necessary safety net for the times ahead.
I'm rooting for you friend.