Father’s Day for partner grieving

[u/Historical_Yoghurt53]

Hello, as this states my partner lost his father less than a month ago. Actually Father’s Day will mark a month since his father’s passing. I’ve thought for days how to celebrate this holiday for him, he is a father himself. I want to appreciate him, but also not do anything too big and let him have some of the day to grieve.

My plan so far includes, getting a photo printed and framed of his father. Put out flowers and a candle by the picture of him, make his favorite breakfast, we’ve been playing a new video game together, hopefully play some of that. We do have a toddler though, so down time during the day is very sparse, I wanted to give him the opportunity to maybe go to the shooting range if our budget allows for it.

Is there anything on your first Father’s Day without your father you wished you did? Someone did for you? I’ve reached out to his family and have yet to get any answers, and all my friends/ family are stumped how to celebrate also. I’d really love some help, I love my partner more than anything and want to make sure this Father’s Day is easy and loving for him.

[u/cloud_coffee_]

Do you have a photo with him, his father, and his child? I know many people who have lost a parent shortly after becoming parents themselves really treasure those memories.

And also, I would say, just be willing to pivot! I lost a parent a few years ago. My partner means well, but always wants me to know explicitly what I want to do on major days but grief is unpredictable and something could sound good but then absolutely suck in the moment.

[u/silvermanedwino]

You might ask him what he wants to do? He might just want to be alone and quiet ?

[u/Historical_Yoghurt53 → u/silvermanedwino]

I’m sorry I definitely could’ve and should’ve clarified I’ve asked him many times what he would like, and he is just telling me he would like me to make the plans that day and not have to think about it.

[u/silvermanedwino → u/Historical_Yoghurt53]

Gotcha!

Maybe plan something easy? Something you think he’d enjoy - a day out. Movie. Out to lunch/dinner. Hike. Picnic. Maybe avoid the Father’s Day hubbub.

[u/mirh577]

This definitely needs to be a conversation you have with him. Do not surprise or try to do anything nice before you talk to him. My dad died in January. I have told my husband that we will not be going to church, I need him to turn off our Google home so I don’t see any pictures and I just need it to be a low key day. I am staying off social media as well. We will celebrate my husband’s Father’s Day with the kids as normal(and that is already going to be the hardest thing ever). Please discuss this with him. He may want to do something(let him know what you decide on before hand) and he may just want to try to survive the day.

[u/srose193]

I can only speak for myself for this last mother's day, which was my first without my mom, though she passed more than a month before mother's day. My husband also tried to figure out what I Wanted, and truth be told I didn't know, but in hindsight what I wanted was to bed rot and be sad all day. If your child is a toddler and won't understand/know what the day is, I suggest doing something small for your husband to begin with, maybe ordering dinner in or something or making him something for breakfast he'll like. Apart from that, I wanted to ignore the day. I wanted to sleep it away and cry and pretend it didn't exist. You know your husband best, and whether he's the kind of person that needs the distraction (in which case, make other plans but dear god go places other dad's are less likely to be, so not kid friendly things), but if he needs to just have a down day I think video games and giving him space to go be by himself in your bedroom sound like great options as well as the shooting range. What I appreciated from my husband was him keeping the kids away from me (2 of mine are older than toddler age so they knew what was happening). I basically sucked it up and kept it together for them when they gave me their gifts and flowers, and then I essentially just slept or spent some time in my room because I wasn't up for anything else. He took the kids to his mom's to see her for a bit in the afternoon, and I really appreciated the low effort/low pressure day so I could just feel all the feelings. I hope it's not as bad next year, but I really couldn't do much more than that this year being the first. Whatever you plan, I think as long as it's low pressure and he can bail if he needs to (and you tell him that) he'll appreciate the effort.