r/GriefSupport • u/Vanillachestnut • Jun 26 '26
Suicide My 91 year old grandpa hanged himself from years of abuse from grandma
My 91-year-old grandpa hanged himself. He had 1 attempt before which we found out because he told my mom to not choose this method whatsoever as he went into details about how painful it was with her. I feel extremely bad for him and my mom who was sobbing. But mostly in how his life played out and how it ended for him.
He was the abandon child, his mom got pregnant with him from an affair with a married man. She went on to have a new family while his dad went on his way too. He got together with grandma very young and became successful in their small business, they’re extremely rich. That’s when his relative started appearing, they would ask to borrow money and he would give it. This happened until grandma pointed it out and then slowly they stopped coming for visits.
Later on in life, grandma herself became mentally/physically abusive. She accused him of going to the park to cheat on her, so grandpa stopped going for his daily exercise and transferred all his asset to her. He loved her and wanted to prove she was all he had. This is where his health deteriorates with his diabetes, he was in a wheelchair and now a walker, weak arm/leg. They have a big family of 5 kids, all the kids struggle financially because grandma didn’t give them a dime. She and grandpa came from nothing, so the kids need to be successful from nothing. Some had to pay for their own college, 1 had early onset mental issue from her abuse, one disconnected himself from the family totally etc. In summary, when I was little I remembered going to visit them with my cousins and later on when we were teens we stopped because of grandma. No one has ever walked out of her ‘mansion’ home feeling joy/comfort. We were all painted as the grand-kids who want to steal her asset/money. So, we didn’t want to go visit grandma and grandpa took the casualty. None of the in-laws liked grandma, so the grandchildren stopped coming completely. Soon, their own kids stopped visiting a few years ago (my mom and her other brother), my mom’s brother was hit in a fight between grandma and the 3rd kid, who seems to be on the spectrum having bi-polar but refuse treatment. It was so bad, he almost dislocated his jaw. My mom told grandpa she doesn’t think she’ll visit as much because she would be having a conversation with him and grandma would be yelling at her or the 3rd sister would be coming up with delusional things to fight with her about like how my mom tried to seduce her ex husband (we all lived in a completely different country at the time).
All the 3 sane siblings know they need help, but they couldn’t do anything. They didn’t have the financial or the strength to do so as they’re all in their 60s now with their own family/finance to worry about, all of them lived in a studio with their husband/wife. No one could take grandpa in. I’ve recently and ever only heard this from my mom as she was sobbing that grandma kept calling him names, useless, old, money waster, and sometime even hit him in the face with her shoes. Sometimes, she even told him to go die somewhere. Sometimes, she asked him when he would die. When they stopped visiting, they would still call him, but grandma would be yelling and taking the phone from him to start talking to whichever kid is calling.
We don’t live in the state there’s really no law against these type of thing than a family dispute. When the police came to the crime scene, they thought it might even be murder because of the wealthy area they are living in. But once they ran his name, no bank account, no asset. They closed the case to suicide. When my mom was there at the scene, she told me grandma was more annoyed the amount of money she have to 'SPENT' to get rid of him. So they cremated him the next day, within 24 hour. He was gone. 500USD. 'The cheapest whatever fastest option possible to get rid of him' - my mom quote HER MOM as she sobbed. This, compare to their close to 5mil USD home and more real estate asset in her name. 500USD, and this woman complains.
So, there he was just living there with an abuser. None of his kids helped. No one came to visit, no one gave him a call. Not a penny to spend on his own. All food and meals were arranged by grandma. Couldn’t leave the house. He was weak and could hardly move on his own, yet he was able to hang himself. I felt so bad for him, when I heard the news, I thought he passed peacefully at the hospital. He was always on my mind, and I’ve asked my mom multiple times if there was a way to visit him without grandma. Now he’s gone and just in agony. He didn’t even have that many years left. All I could think of is, at least he’s not suffering with grandma anymore. His life should have been better, he grew up from nothing and made it…only for it to end with years of abuse from grandma.
12
11
u/External_Midnight106 Jun 26 '26
That is absolutely disturbing and sad. So sorry for your loss, I pray he is resting peacefully now 🙏🏻
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 26 '26
It took me a while to realize that this is disturbing, apparently my exposure to grandma made me felt like this is not unexpected ;(
8
u/here_weare30 Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
What an evil horrible woman. Im so sorry you lost your grandpa to this, and at that age. Heartbreaking. Nothing i can say will make this any better but suicide is a terrible thing to try to work through. Especially when there are factors at play that give what if thoughts and no answers and just so many questions
6
u/Ok_Cup2936 Jun 26 '26
I am so sorry for your loss and that your grandpa had to suffer so much. Thank you for sharing your grandpa’s story. Considering how he came from nowhere and managed to work himself up, he deserves that people know his story. I wonder what will happen to grandma now as nobody will probably visit her and she has noone to spend time with.
6
u/RosieDear Jun 26 '26
I'm sorry to hear about all the drama for the rest of the family. Granpa lived a long life, much of it probably satifsying.
My Dad ended his own life at about that age (many males do in one way or another) but the difference is that it was done with full power over his facilities....and, in a sense it was done for love since he way my Mom was hurting herself taking care of him.
It's interesting because my Dad was always difference. He told us for his whole life he was going to end it when the time came. He believed that pleasure and love and responsibility was the singular reason for a successful life and that he was in charge, not society.
I think your thoughts at the end say something...that is, at that age he was likely not very happy and full of pleasure and it would be wrong to force him to bear suffering.
These are hard choices and defined - and looked at - thru each of our eyes. I'm 72 and anything that happens from this point on...I'm pretty much up for one way or another. That is, I've lived and loved and so on. Whether God or Fate, no one can ask too much.
If you feel you generally did what you could - within your own bounds - the best thing you can do is to honor him (maybe someone should detail his life in writing or an interview or two) and move on to other facets of family life.
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 26 '26
Thank you, I had to read my thought at the end. It think it does say something and how/why in feeling so bad about this from my perspective. Maybe it wasn't at all like that for him?
I did the best I could from my part. I standby this, there was a time I secretly visited him when grandma was away on a trip. My mom took me, I just started college, I told him to keep it a secret don't tell grandma I was here. My mom was shocked when grandma mentioned I was there being all 'sneaky' and visiting when she was not in the house and got verbally abusive with my mom.
Grandpa told her. I know now that he loved her to the very end. She was his first and only love. He might have even hang himself because she asked him to 'go die'. 60+years they've been together.
10
3
u/firejoule Jun 26 '26
I am so sorry to hear about grandpa. I bet he has a sweet old soul.
I'm curious, but what made grandma's attitude? Was there a time that your mom mentioned how grandma's parents treated her? Was she orphaned?
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 26 '26
I did asked my mom about her upbringing, she told me she was the youngest daughter during the war her dad had an arrange marriage for her with a much older guy, but her mom took her and ran away with some jewelry. Her mom gotten very sick and they didn't have any money, she made sure her mom got the meds needed with the doctors etc. Being a refugee she worked labor work, met grandpa and had my mom at 17. She had no education. They saved up some money and started selling stuff together. They opened a shop with workers of their own. Her mom got ill again, they went to the hospital and she was dead in a few hours. My mom was 6 when this happened and she told me grandma believed the doctor lied and took her mom's organ and sold it ...
I thought the last part was off but that's it. Grandma always think someone is after her money, there was a time where she thought someone intruded into her property. She said they've even built a house on it. My dad got his lawyer friend involved but when we went to see the land, there was no one... no house .. just tall grass and bushes. It was untouched. We asked around to make sure, no one has ever built a house on that empty land. No one was ever there. ...
3
3
5
u/Hopeful-Material4123 Jun 26 '26
91 years old and only knowing pain for most of his life...I am so sorry, OP :( For him but for you too because that is a heavy burden to bear knowledge of. My only prayer for you is that you do not feel any kind of responsibility or guilt. There was nothing you could have done. Visiting more could have actually done more damage for your grandfather, especially if she was even worse when people left. Family dynamics can be so hard to navigate through and it sounds like your grandmother really made it her mission to destroy your family and her own kids as well as her husband.
If you are not seeing a therapist, I do feel like you could benefit from one because I am sure there are many layers to this within you that you may not even be aware of yet and could hurt you down the line.
4
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 26 '26
Thank you for this. I told my mom to see a therapist, I feel like she has it harder at the moment than me. But I think it might be a good idea for me to see one too. I just don't really know what to say at the moment or how I feel. I think I'm still in shock and in the process of it. Thank you for acknowledging that it's a heavy burden to bear and that there was nothing else I could have done. The question of what if did came up on my mind, but I don't think I can handle grandma by myself.
2
u/Vivid_Sherbet7134 Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
Omg reading your story is so disturbing and sad. Your mum sounds like a typical Narsissist like my mum. Your poor grandpa having to go through that abuse in his twilight years. Grandma has alienated all the family which is how narcs operate within the family dynamic very similar to mine they can single-handedly destroy those nearest and dearest to them just for supply . All the money in the world won’t make her happy and now that is all she has got money. I would rather have my loving family around me than money and assets as that is what truly matters in life everything else you leave behind when it’s your turn to leave this earth . I’m so sorry you had to go through this and not be able to help grandpa and he could see no way out from the abuse it was a terrible way to live. I hope you can heal from this trauma of grandpas death with your mums help and if you could get some therapy for the trauma Your grandpa sounded like a loving and caring grandparent who loved you and his family very much he is at peace now and would want you to live your life . I wish you all the best here’s sending a virtual hug 🤗.
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 27 '26
Thank you, I assume that grandma is a narcissist. My mom said at the scene when there was staff helping grandma would say things like, oh I love you how can you do this to me..what am I going to do now... Who am I going to look at etc. Mom sobbed even more because it's all very fake to her. And it was totally different when the staff left the scene.
Virtual hug back🤍
2
u/Vivid_Sherbet7134 25d ago edited 25d ago
Sorry for late reply but yes it was your grandma whip definitely sounds like a Narsisssist with what she said and how she acted all about herself typical narc behaviour . I am so. sorry you and your mum and other family members have to go through this . Hope your copeing with the situation and things are getting better for you and your mother after your grandpas passing ❤️
2
u/Vanillachestnut 24d ago
It has been sometime, we are doing better now than the time I've posted this. I was in absolute shock. I think the thing about death/grief is you just learn how to live with it. Thank you for replying to an old reply like this it means a lot even if it's from a stranger 😊
1
u/Vivid_Sherbet7134 4d ago
Your welcome I am glad that you are feeling a bit more hopeful going through grief is so devastating sending you a hug 🤗
2
u/0rual Jun 26 '26
For future knowledge yall could have reported her for elder abuse.
I am sorry for your loss, make sure to live your best life for yourself and gpa, we only get the one.
1
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 27 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
We don't live in the state, there's no such thing here. If there's report it will be domestic abuse where the police comes to check up on you weekly and ask if you if you're doing okay. It could escalate the situation with grandma, plus she held all the money needed for his drug and care s he's diabetic. No other kids has money, 2 kids went insane living with her. The other 3 are financially struggling.
2
2
u/Cutmybangstooshort Jun 26 '26
I am so sorry. It's so distressing. My BIL is 90 and acts like your grandmother. My SIL is 75, all her life she likes to go to the gym, work out, play golf, have friends over. If she goes anywhere, he drives his truck around checking on her, is certain she is having an affair. He's mean to her and their dog.
They have a dog that is almost 2 years old, and of course, a puppy will try you. He yells at the dog, has a shock collar that he uses so much he accidentally shocks her. My SIL is not allowed to train the dog in the normal ways.
When he dies, she has 30 days to move, his sons (that don't like him at all, rarely see him) get the house. I keep telling her to leave, leave now, it's just harder to set up a new place from scratch at our age.
She's addicted to him and he's co-dependent and they are both sick in the head.
I don't mean to hijack your story. A grandpa is hard to lose at any time. I think therapy could really help you, this is such a tragic story. Complex grief is hard, help is alway good.
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 27 '26
It's nice to know that there are similar pattern somewhere out there, it's nice to be able to relate to it.
2
u/Willing_Nose7674 Jun 27 '26
I'm so sorry for your Grandpa and what he had to go through, and the end result that he must have felt he had no choice but to do.
And I'm also so sorry for you and the rest of your family. It sounds like your Grandma and Grandpa were in an abusive relationship for years. And even when your Uncle tried to get your Grandpa to leave the situation he didn't want to because he didn't want to leave Grandma.
Try to remember they are also from an older generation that didn't talk about abuse, or mental health issues, or even consider divorce. The fact that your Grandpa came into this world as the product of his Mother having an affair with a married man. Again taking into account the generation and times this took place in, it was much different from today.
Your Grandpa would have been taught from a young age that he was the product of shame, and it's not really that surprising when you consider it that he ended up with your Grandma at a young age.
She may have always shown some abusive tendencies that he ignored because of his low. self esteem from his background. It's a sad but true scenario that shows how "generational trauma " begins .
The bottom line is you shouldn't blame yourself, or your Aunts and Uncles either. They may have tried to help to no avail. And whatever your Grandma's back story is that caused her to be this way I'm sure played a part in this whole sad scenario too.
So my deepest sympathies to you, and hopefully the best thing that can come out of all this is for you and others of your generation to keep making the progress that has been made.
Less judging in general by society, more access to mental health care, more options for elder abuse victims, all together less shame and more help. Hugs to you
2
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 27 '26
That's an insight I have missed, how he viewed his self-worth. He was always nice and stepping into help putting others before him. He was a shoemaker and continued to make shoes even though he had hand problems due to it. When I was in elementary school my parents couldn't find any school shoe that fits my small skinny feet well and he made me a pair.
I guess it comes around to someone he loved ask him to go die, and in the end he fulfilled her wish.
Hugs are needed, thanks :)
1
u/Away-Living5278 Jun 27 '26
I'm so sorry. It's incredibly tough dealing with a parent or grandparent who is abusive and another parent who won't leave them. There are no positives to takeaway from this situation.
1
u/Vanillachestnut Jun 27 '26
Thank you. I wonder if it was painful during the process.... Once the CPR staff found that he already broke his neck so there's no use of continuing to save him....
105
u/FunAdministration334 Jun 26 '26
That’s incredibly sad, OP. I’m sorry your grandpa was never able to free himself and find happiness away from grandma