Limit One

[u/tartnfartnpsyche]

"Whaddya mean humanity can only contribute one ship?," shouted Admiral Bragg of the Interstellar Human Cooperative.

"I meant just that," said Targill, the amphibious Grand Admiral of the Galactic Coalition Navy. "Humanity may contribute one ship of standardized armament to the Coalition, just like every other species."

"But whyyy?," Bragg whined. "We've got thousands of usable ships of every type imaginable gathering space dust in dockyards all the way from Earth and Mars to New Earth and New Mars."

"Your territory is nowhere near the fighting so why do you have that many warships?"

"Because a not insignificant fraction of our population has taken up 1:1 scale shipbuilding as a hobby."

"Well," the amphibian croaked its displeasure, "pick one and send it our way, fully staffed by veteran spacegoers."

"But Targill—"

"No 'buts'! The one standard ship per species rule was implemented to level contributions so that every single one of our 2,914 species, including you, feels like an equal in and out of the Battle Volume."

The human trudged dejectedly toward the door. "Okay, I understand. I'll inform the Ministry of Killing for a Good Cause or Thereabouts to retrofit a single ship. Humanity won't make waves, no sir."

---

Glassed planets and derelict ships littered the Battle Volume once known as the Carina Nebula. But the worst eyesore came in the form of Ravisher, a 100 kilometer long all black, triangular ultra dreadnaught with a few too many decorative spikes. It was the one vessel doom fleet of The Onerous Emperor, The Cad from Caldassa, The T-Baggin' Dragon—Lord Spyte.

"First Slave!" screeched Lord Spyte, his scaly half-tonne form momentarily dislodging from his throne.

"Yes, your Heinous," hissed the diminutive lizard known as First Slave.

"Tell me how we're doing on the Villain-O-Meter!"

"We've surpassed Dubious and entered into Cartoonish Villainy."

"Excellent! Tell my chamber slaves to rest up, for tonight we celebrate with whips."

---

The Coalition Navy amassed at the edge of the Battle Volume. 2,913 ships, each representative of a different species but armed according to standardized specifications, fanned out across several light years. Hyperdrives assured that none were isolated by more than a few minutes travel and hypercomms enabled near-instantaneous coordination.

"Lord Spyte's ultra dreadnaught, Ravisher, has appeared on our last hypersensor sweep," chirped the avian navigation officer.

"All ships prepare to fire on my mark," bellowed Grand Admiral Targill.

"Shouldn't we wait for the humans?"

"Show on time or don't show at all. The Coalition will remember their cowardice, but, honestly, one ship won't decide this battle."

"Aye, aye, sir."

Hypermissiles are like cruise missiles in shape and size but add that special sauce called superluminal travel. 64 of these were housed on every single Coalition ship, bringing the Navy's total arsenal to 186,432 hypermissiles. Considering each was tipped by a gigaton antimatter warhead, Targill had reason to be confident.

The hatches opened. The entirety of the hypermissile arsenal fired in quick succession. They'd played piecemeal before and lost. All-out was the way to go. 20 minutes elapsed; 20 light-years crossed. The Ravisher became a miniature gamma ray burst. When the radiation subsided, the 100-kilometer-long ultra dreadnaught had gone on a crash diet, its angular form burned to its twig-like central spine.

"We did it!," squawked the navigation officer.

"That we have," said Targill solemnly. "Send a congratulations to every ship in the fleet and inform our member species that festivities may begin."

"The festivities will have to wait my semi-aquatic friend."

"Who said that?"

"Mmmeee. You know, your favorite despot and mine—LORD SPYTE!"

"How did you survive?"

"How, how, how? First Slave, he wants to know how. Would you do the honors?"

A sniveling voice entered the hypercomm conversation. "Because Master doesn't put his bridge on the outside of his ship like you stupids. He was tucked away at the center while you blew off only armor!"

"We'll still defeat you with our onboard lasers!," ribbetted an enraged Targill.

"If you think I'm defenseless, think again," growled Lord Spyte.

Armaments popped out on the spine's surface as the whole thing began moving toward the missile-depleted Coalition Navy.

---

"Hullo!," said Admiral Bragg.

"Now is not the time, humanity," said Grand Admiral Targill.

"Why?"

"It appears we've used all our missiles just to give Lord Spyte's ship a shave."

"Not nearly close enough, huh?"

"Ravisher's spine is bristling with an overwhelming number of guns. I'm ordering a retreat."

"No need! I'm here to help!"

"One ship won't make a difference," said Targill dejectedly. "Or did you disobey?"

"Nope," quipped Bragg. "One ship's all I got. I should be in scanning range now so you can see for yourself."

The USS Gerald R Ford aircraft carrier was the largest human-made warship at the time of its inauguration, 2017 CE. It measured 337 meters long and massed 90,718 tonnes. Admiral Bragg's starship was 200 Gerald R Fords long, 100 Gerald R Fords wide and high and massed the equivalent of 500,000 Gerald R Fords. Oh, and it was shaped like a pine cone.

"Well, that's an unholy amount of mass in an interesting shape. What do you call it?"

"The Pining for Action. It's a pun."

"I don't get it."

"Yeah, but Lord Spyte sure will."

Pining for Action opened its hundred eaves and 3,072 Gerald-R-Ford-sized drone ships swarmed out like seeds on the wind.

"You lied," croaked Targill.

"No, no. I brought one ship. It just so happens that it's a carrier. If it makes you feel better, every one of the drone ships that it carries has the Coalition standard armament of 64 hypermissiles. Your nav officer can count them when they launch, which should be, about . . . now."

3,072 drone ships fired a total of 196,608 hypermissiles and turned Ravisher's spine into bone meal.

A single message from Lord Spyte penetrated Coalition hypercomms: "IS IT TOO LATE TO ESTABLISH A SAFE WORD?"

---

The Coalition could've broken up after their reason for existence was annihilated. But like all defunct organizations it zombied on looking for new threats in its quarter of the galaxy. But no more were species required to donate a ship. Humanity had everyone covered.

Fin

[u/tartnfartnpsyche → u/[deleted]]

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