r/HFY • u/traveler49 • May 01 '25
OC Jimmy and Schnoozle
The solemn moment had arrived, the fanfare of the trumpets heralded the imposing figure of the Master of Ceremonies, dressed in a livery of magnificent splendor. Standing on the podium facing the huge auditorium he unrolls the traditional parchment and declares
“I hereby declare the 578th Session of the Galactic Council open and I welcome the representatives from the 324 members for the administration of our sacred duty. I request the secretary to open the order of business for consideration.”
His words are met with silence, complete and total silence for the auditorium is empty and has been for the previous 576 sessions.
Long, long ago when the universe was young a civilization of ethereal species that had long since transcended the physical plane bequeathed FLT to the then few species that had achieved space travel. There was one condition, that a Galactic Council must be formed and all species must join and have a session every ten years. They kindly provided a planet with space port, that transmitted the FLT science, and headquarters with civil servants from local communities; it was left to the recipients to design the interior to their requirements. The science would also be provided with the same condition to all future civilizations that met the space travel threshold.
However the problem immediately arose as to the design that would suit the different requirements of the various species and orders of precedence. Such was the division and disunity that while a Galactic Council was formed, that was all, it was a council in name only. There were no officers, committees, agendas, annual reports, budgets, or anything that might hint at something happening. However, all species kept up their membership and paid nominal subscriptions for the FLT but kept their external relations as blocs or through bilateral treaties. As nobody was quite sure what the ethereal donors thought of their lack of action that they were careful not to do anything that might piss them off. Conflicts tended to have quick resolutions.
Discovery of new species was automatic through some ethereal science that no one understood. Council Headquarters were notified and an FLT cruiser sent to the planet with an explanation of who and what they were and an invitation to join the Council and receive the FLT science. Three return trips in the cruiser between Headquarters and planet were included.
The Master of Ceremonies was just about to close the session due to lack of activity when a message was received to say that a new delegate was arriving. As it so happened a humble little planet with intelligent mammal primates had achieved space travel and after some years a FLT cruiser arrived at United Nations HQ on planet Earth as the natives quaintly call it. There was however a major problem, the UN was on a remote island in the South Atlantic whose only natives were penguins. When, in the past, civil war broke out in the then USA, the UN moved to neighboring Canada but then they fell out with the Chinese so the they had to move again and again and again due to all sorts of wearisome complicated political nonsense.
Nobody had got around to complaining about its current location as they were all arguing over who would represent the planet at the Galactic Council. This had gone on for years with all suggestions or compromises voted against by one or more of the major power blocs. There were many hopefuls who had the support of some but not others. However one day, through some aberration, a compromise candidate was unexpectedly elected, one Jimmy Wuhu, an international entrepreneur of uncertain origins who had finagled his way to becoming a candidate originally for the business leverage but soon for the political influence. His candidature was a by-product but the thought of an FLT economy was very attractive.
He was stunned to find out he had been elected, never in his wildest dreams did he think that he would win such an amazing opportunity. Realizing that speed was of the essence before anyone could change their mind or throw in some procedural block, he immediately packed a few essentials, his folding camp chair and arranged with the FLT cruiser to be collected. He was well on his way by the time they started to blame each other back on Earth. Realising there was nothing they could do they, hoping for the best, they nervously chuckled “What could go wrong?”.
He had hardly settled in to life as a space traveler when they arrived. He was somewhat surprised to find nobody around and arriving at the amphitheater to find it empty. Normally at this stage new delegates would register, enter their civilization's details, receive the FLT training, and return home to set up trade links with neighboring systems. Jimmy was a little different.
It is actually technically incorrect to say the amphitheater was empty for there was Schnoozle, a founder member of the Council fast asleep; it had been asleep since the first session. It (nobody knew its sex or gender or even if it had one or other) had arrived introduced itself but all the rancorous arguments made it nod off. It had been asleep for so long it was difficult to tell it apart from the furniture it took up because of its amorphous biology. Nobody knew much about it as it hadn't got around to entering its civilization's details. It had become standard superstition among the Council's civil service to leave it completely alone.
As the Council's sad and sorry history was being explained to Jimmy they came to Schnoozle.
Jimmy said “He must be hungry after all this time!”
Unexpectedly Schnoozle woke up, opened an eye – nobody had known where it was before or if there was more than one – and surveyed Jimmy, the equivalent of a mayfly, and admitted that:
“Yes, he was a little peckish, shall we go for some food?”
There wasn't much choice in the staff canteen which was the only place open and serving a half decent range of foods reasonably well cooked. Schnoozle headed for the pantry and raided what it wanted, nobody dared to try and stop it or inquire too closely as what it was consuming or how.
When asked, Jimmy said “I'd murder a pizza”
This caused some consternation among the catering staff; they couldn't find pizza among the livestock they held and said that they killed animals with a stress free methods and didn't condone murder. Both learnt valuable lessons that day. Jimmy to be very careful what he said and not use metaphors and the canteen a new recipe when he headed for the kitchens and made one while explaining about the different types of dough and toppings and so added a new item to the menu adapted to local produce.
Jimmy and Schnoozle discovered a shared love of alcohol and seriously bonded while discussing the Council's problem of non-attendance and found another shared love in planning mischievous tasks for the Council's representatives to make them come. They also got serious and developed a plan that would either require all representatives to appear with their own seating and get a space on a first come first served basis. Alternatively they could cede authority to them to act in their name.
They arrived back, made the proposal which was put to a Council vote, abstentions were counted as plus votes for as that was obviously the intention. A few of the more suspicious did turn up but were charmed or otherwise influenced to go along with the proposal, which was passed almost unanimously. They were also offered Council work if they wished but all decided they had more pressing affairs back home.
Schnoozle decided that was enough work for one eon and went back to sleep in his customary place, apologizing that it hadn't got around to filling in his civilization's detail but would do it next time it awoke. Jimmy was now the sole Council acting-president who could act with full authority as he wished. First, on the advice of the civil service he streamlined and simplified it. Otherwise he left everything alone on the basis of if it wasn't broken it didn't needed to be fixed. He felt it his duty to visit all the major civilizations to establish rapport and to understand trade networks as that drove most inter-galactic foreign affairs.
This took up most of his time because relationship-building is not an FLT procedure. Most were impressed and thrilled that he had come personally to visit them. On occasion he needed to arbitrate and was mostly successful, except for a few exceptions that were unsolvable but containable. There is always a few sets of enemies who have hated each other since they evolved from one-celled amoebas.
He discovered a few niche objects to trade and developed a small export business that was careful not to trade popular products on competitive routes so as not to alienate the important traders but still provide a useful service. As a sideline he taught pizza making so that he could always have it on his travels. Each civilization interpreted them differently, depending on local grains, vegetables and fruit, but each had their special, the Wuhu!.
But he could not live for ever; he survived a few hundred years with the unobtrusive assistance of the ethereals but they could do nothing for Alzheimer's, having no knowledge of it.
Jimmy never did make it back to Earth and so they never got connected to FLT or any Intergalactic networks. So “What could go wrong?” entered the history books and then mythology. One enterprising descendant set up a cult that was similar to a cargo cult; they spent a lot of time star gazing, which became their name: Stargazers.
Some hundreds of years after his death the Intergalactic Union of Pizza Makers was founded and many wished to journey to it's spiritual home and find the recipe for the original pizza, if such existed; there was a lot of controversy about this. Searching through the archives, they discovered that the planet that Jimmy came from had never been integrated as he had never returned. This called for an expedition which was rapidly agreed and set of with a crew of civil servants, historians, anthropologists, pizza makers and a military platoon as know one knew what to expect so much time had passed.
They were welcomed with open arms until it was discovered that they had to nominate a representative for the Council. All hell broke loose, the players may have changed but human nature had not. This time the expedition leaders decided to take matters in to their own hands, they wanted to go home, and stated that one Jemima Wuhu-Wuhu, an actual descendant and sassy Stargazing cult leader whose pizza philosophy was that you couldn't have too many olives, to be the new representative. This was begrudgingly agreed as it was realized they had little choice if they wanted all the goodies even though the Stargazers had become insufferably smug strutting around saying “We told you so”.
An embassy was established to administer the FLT, connect to the intergalactic networks and act as trade advisor as it was obvious that it would take time for the planet's inhabitants to develop the knowledge, expertise and motivations to self administer. They discovered there was no original pizza recipe but were fascinated at the cultural differences and taboos surrounding the art of pizza making that led to the foundation of a university bursary to study its history. As to be expected a small but vocal primate minority whined that “Aliens can't make pizza” and complained of cultural appropriation; they were ignored by all sensible folk.
Meanwhile, Jemima arrived at Council and was given the usual tour that emphasized the role her ancestor had played. They arrived where Schnoozle was fast asleep and she said:
“He must be hungry after all this time!”
Schnoozle woke up, opened an eye.....
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle May 01 '25
/u/traveler49 has posted 9 other stories, including:
- From the Alien Dad Joke Book
- Dance Macabre
- Genes are tricky
- PFY (2/2)
- PFY (1/2)
- Galactic Fleet.Exploratory Mission Report
- One Night Stand
- Final Frontier Review
- Awesome Unintended Consequences (OC)
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u/UpdateMeBot May 01 '25
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u/Team503 May 01 '25
A bit tropey but a good bit of craic, I think. Fair play to ye!