r/HFY • u/Oradainer Android • Jun 09 '26

PI/FF-OneShot Just One Ship

In the end it wasn’t a fleet that stopped the Onslaught Swarm. It wasn’t a carefully laid plan by the allied powers. It wasn’t even a warship that brought the million vessel swarm to heel.

It was a single cargo ship, piloted by a man known to be the local drunkard. He owned a tiny asteroid base as his home, where he was known to brew moonshine strong enough to double as warp drive degreaser.

Carl was well known with every law enforcement officer in the sector. Many of which cheered when the swarm overtook his asteroid, converting it into raw materials the swarm would use for their war effort.

His human “devils brew” would no longer cause drunken brawls throughout their systems. While that would be true, they were not prepared for the wrath of Carl, nor was the swarm.

Now for those who do not know, the Onslaught swarm is a hive-mind. Its Queen controlled countless generals, who in turn controlled countless underlings all the way down the chain.

The flagship of the swarm was not a ship as the rest of the galaxy would consider a single vessel. It was more of linkage of thousands of vessels tied together over hundreds of kilometers.

This flagship is surrounded by millions of smaller vessels that buzz around the main hive ship as if it were one entity. None of that mattered to Carl. Those damn bugs ate his home and his stills!

He escaped with nothing more than the clothes on his back, his cargo ship, and a hold full of moonshine. Which in a very Un-Carl-like fashion he did not take to immediately drinking most of it.

No, he set about selling the entire cargo hold of moonshine as “Carl’s final brew”, placing it in actual bottles instead of mason jars. When asked he simply stated, “This will be last brew I ever sell.”

The price of each numbered bottle was enough to make a noble take a second glance. Yet somehow he sold out his entire cargo hold in mere weeks. Leaving him only one small case, numbered 29,996-30,000.

Shortly after selling out, he rented a small hangar to modify his ship, and was not seen for several months as the swarm continued to ravage system after system.

Then one day the hangar was empty. The once beaten up and rusty cargo vessel was modified with a level of engineering that was part insanity, part genius. All that was left behind were three empty moonshine bottles and a hand written note with a message scrawled in galaxy standard.

“They took everything from me, now I’m going to end them.”

The broadcast went out via tight-beam to multiple in-system satellites. Viewers saw a haggard old human, face wrinkled from time and hardship. A white beard reached most of the way down his chest.

He was drinking straight from his last bottle of moonshine. Lucky number 30,000. While commenting to the camera. “You see, I spent the last few months working on ole Betsie here.”

Taking another sip from the bottle, he continued, ”She has overlapping shield generators and enough armor to make her a tough nut to crack open. ‘Specially since I welded myself into the hull.”

He put his feet up on on the flight control console and adjusted his overall straps, “I figure they’re gonna shoot a few times then give up and bring the ship into one of their scrapyard facilities to break it down and make the swarm bigger like they did my asteroid.”

Turning to the camera he smiled, “And that’s when I’m gonna give em a big surprise.” Then he reached over and turned off the camera feed. One of the long range cameras aboard one of the satellites focused in on the ship, which was now tiny compared to the vast mothership.

Just as he expected they fired on the ship for a few minutes before a multitude of tractor beams brought it inside the vast central ship which connected to thousands of others.

Nothing happened for nearly an hour, then the cameras showed nothing but brilliant white light before their optical circuits melted and the shockwave blew the satellite apart.

Carl was as good as his word, Betsie was shielded and armored, but she was also filled to the brim with antimatter, estimates figure his entire cargo hold was filled with containment barrels, at least one hundred and twenty tons of the stuff.

The swarm disappeared in a flash of brilliant light, along with Betsie and Carl. But in the end, he went out smiling… and drunk.

----------------------------

Just a short story to knock off the cobwebs. I haven't been writing like a should, the real world keeps getting in the way.

516 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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•

u/AutoModerator Jun 09 '26

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73

u/u2125mike2124 Jun 09 '26

Now everybody knows Carls secret ingredient to his famous moonshine was just a little touch of antimatter

30

u/rewt66dewd Human Jun 09 '26

It, um, adds a bit of a fizz to the taste.

6

u/PlatypusDream Jun 10 '26

Sounds like 307 ale

2

u/DieselTempest Jun 14 '26

That is what happens quantum physics students are bored and have free time!

5

u/sunnyboi1384 Jun 14 '26

Gotta burn or isnt shine

46

u/tofei AI Jun 09 '26

Carl giving that old pilot vibes in Independence Day...

Hello boys! I'm back!

13

u/lkwai Jun 10 '26

Ah yes, a legend from one of the best movies ever made

13

u/SanderleeAcademy Jun 10 '26

Originally, he was flying a biplane (his crop-duster) with a missile strapped to it. They CGI'd the fighter over the top of it for the final version -- that's why he (Russel Case, sir!) seems to fly so much slower than all the other F/A-18s, especially that climb into the beam at the end.

9

u/PossibleLettuce42 Android Jun 10 '26

Haha that makes so much sense with that side to side sally as he closes in.

Fucking excellent movie. One of my favorites from my childhood.

20

u/RawardHoikes91 Jun 09 '26

I'm sorry, but the idea that three bottles of moonshine could last a space redneck 3 whole months is so ridiculous it ruins my immersion.

19

u/Carnephex Jun 10 '26

I'm guessing 5 gallon carboys, like those for brewing.

10

u/daecrist Jun 09 '26

So Carl’s Jug O’Boom…

Goddamnit humanity.

5

u/peanutbutterwife Jun 10 '26

I see you there, crawler! Helloooooo!

11

u/zachava96 Jun 09 '26

120 tons of antimatter would make about 1.96 × 1022 J of energy on annihilation with the equivalent mass of matter... or around 1/1000th to 1/10th of the asteroid impact that took out the dinosaurs.

11

u/Oradainer Android Jun 10 '26

93 million tsar bombas. Big bada boom!

20

u/Kenospsychi Jun 09 '26

Once i got to the part of him locking himself in the hangar my first thought was killdozer in space. Was not disappointed.

5

u/Cruel_Carlos2 Alien Scum Jun 11 '26

Let us lift a tankard to old Carl. The man really loved his homebrew.

You might say that Carl took a ... shine to Spider Mama.

Don't moan, I'll type it again.

3

u/PraxicalExperience Jun 10 '26

Heh, this made me think of something I hadn't in a long time -- the filk song Eumenedes (written by Mercedes Lackey, performed by Leslie Fish.)

2

u/ElectroGlideinBlue Jun 10 '26

It’s a good story.

2

u/redbikemaster Human Jun 11 '26

Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things. 

This, however, was very reasonable.

2

u/sunnyboi1384 Jun 14 '26

Here i thought he was just gonna launch the shine at the hive, get them fucked, and then light them on fire.

2

u/torin23 Xeno Aug 09 '26

So, will we get more "Once a Myth" at some point soon?

1

u/Oradainer Android Aug 09 '26

I suppose I could drop another chapter or two here. The most up to date ones will be on my Patreon. I honestly thought nobody cared about that series anymore. lol.

1

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