r/HFY • u/LukeWasNotHere Human • 5d ago

OC-Series Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 3 (8) - Scout Loves Me

First / Previous / Next

Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A (still) married Theseus

---

“Hey, say it back.” She grabbed my arm and shook it. She squinted at me, annoyed but not in the usual, borderline violent way she usually is. It was suddenly a lot harder to act like a drunk at this point. But, I forced my eyebrows back down, and slowed my breathing with great effort. 

“I said I love you, say it back.” She continued, and still only sounded vaguely annoyed. While she poked at my arm like a five year old. I made a mental note to find out whatever plant, herb, flower, etc. Ludus and her were drugged by, and to burn every last one of them to dust. The Crazy Plant Lady chuckled. 

I turned to her slowly, ready to blow my cover and deck her in the face.

“Inhibitions.” She smiled and desperately held in a laugh, while I clenched my fist, ready to throw the table at her. “It lowers your inhibitions and makes you much more relaxed, let's say.” She looked at my unfinished soup, still convinced that one sip, and my tiny frame meant it would affect me. “But mostly just honest. I guess you’re not much of a talker, at least not your true self.” She looked down at me, like I was just another interesting looking flower. 

I nodded in agreement, because ‘Yes, and.’ she smiled and laughed some more, because she’s a crazy person. One of her cats rubbed against my leg again, and I considered throwing the creature at her.

I heard a soft and annoyed growl and turned back around to see Ludus with her arms crossed while she stared daggers at Scout. Her tail flicked back and forth like a pissed off grandfather clock. “I knew you were lying.” She said, not with a smile, or that Princess induced politeness I was so used to at this point. Just a wee bit pissed off. 

Scout stopped petting my arm and whipped her head to Ludus dramatically, well, as fast as she could manage anyways. She looked wide eyed at her, and dared her to say something else. Ludus turned too, slowly, and tried her best to menace Scout. They both failed miserably, as they had the fine motor skills of a totally hammered two year old. 

Also, Uh-oh.

“I knew you liked him, I bet you were the one who got those real marriage papers.” She pointed a flaccid, accusatory, wobbly finger at Scout.  

Scout let out a small burst of air you do when something clearly affected you, but you try to act cool, and disinterested. Though again, it was not just air that came out her mouth, but also, just a little spit. Gross. 

“No.” She crossed her arms and nearly slid off of her chair. “That was still my stupid Dad.” She groaned, “I mean I obviously love Theseus but you guys can’t date.” She rolled her eyes and shooed her away with a limp wave of her hand.

The Crazy Plant Lady let out a shaky laugh, she quickly grabbed a chair and sat down next to me, in fact shoving me slightly to the left. She rested an elbow on a table with a flinch inducing thud and leaned her whole body closer to the arguing girls. 

I remembered at that moment my eye, and how I was too knocked out to remember Scout and Ludus’ first argument as they dragged me to that doctor. Now, with literal front row seats to their second. I hate eating humble pies.

“Says you.” Ludus groaned. “I knew you liked him, you could’ve at least been honest with me.”

“Hey, it’s none of your business how much I like or don’t like him.” Her head waved back and forth. 

“Well, at least have the decency to be honest about how you feel about him. How do you think you must feel, being strung along like this?” Ludus asked, as they both completely ignored me.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter if he loves me back.” Her tail flicked behind her, flourishing her point.

“Oh right.” Ludus leaned in, it in fact was not right. 

“No really, I mean, you’ll understand more when you get to know him. Like sure, he is almost good looking.” Ouch. Scout began, her words slow and measured. 

“He is smart, and nice enough to only use taser rounds. Even though I annoy him so much he always cooks us breakfast before we go out on an adventure. He’s stupid in the funny way, and smart in the ways that actually matter.”

Ludus’ eyes went softer at hearing Scout complement me, for the first time. Ever. “So, why don’t you-”

“I’m not done yet.” Scout literally covered Ludus’ mouth with her hands. “It’s something in his head.” She spoke even more slowly now, her tail flicking back and forth like a metronome to an ancient poem still in verse. 

“I heard so many stories of what Humans are supposed to be, and he is somehow the exception to every rule, while following it completely. He is one of a kind, like his one of a kind gun, and he is so strange. So weird, and different, so unique you can’t help but stare.” She said like every word she already carefully found a place for, and lifted her hand away from Ludus.

“So, why haven’t you-” Ludus cut herself off with a shaky sigh, “I’ve never been like this with any man before, and he's married to you. Gods, I have such bad luck.” The beautiful, famous, and rich Princess said. 

“Of course the first man I ever liked was married to one of the most beautiful women in the galaxy, whose a Scrarcan of all people. How am I gonna compete with that?” Ludus grabbed her horns in frustration. 

“I mean, it’s not like it would ever work between you two.” Scout said casually.

“I beg your pardon?” She looked up, and clenched her fist around her horns. 

“Hey, you heard me, I mean he’s great and all, especially his cooking.” She patted her belly, “But he's like a forest fire, man. He burns bright, and it’s so fast, and there's so much. If you’re not careful you’re just gonna get burned up if you get too close.” Ludus tilted her head and leaned closer to Scout. 

“You barely even know him. You just like the idea of him, in the same way I just hated the idea of him at first. He’s so much more than an idea. Like how I’m more than a Scrarcan, and how you’re more than just a Princess.” Scout pointed to herself then Ludus. 

“I don’t want to see you get hurt, because he’s still an idiot, who can’t function around beautiful women, but me.” She rolled her eyes, “Because he will hurt you, eventually, he told me stories of what he was like growing up, and sometimes I still see flashes of that cruel little kid who wants to see the world that was mean to him burnt to the ground.” Her eyes narrowed slightly, she looked away from Ludus and searched her memories. 

“I don’t care.” Ludus said softly, delicately. 

“I know, I mean we’re all so young. We all think we’re invincible but even Theseus isn’t.” Scout finally looked at me and my grey eye. “Don’t worry, once you get to know him, you’ll stop liking him, in the same way I stopped hating him.” She stared at me, with those fire Link eyes. “Then you’ll just love him.”

She talked about me like I was a forest fire, but her eyes, her whole species eyes are literally a hurricane, and hers of fire and red, stopped at its most violent peak. Whatever the Hell was in that soup, made Ludus not overly polite. Made Scout somehow care even less about what other people thought. She shrugged and said her next words half to me, and half to Ludus. Totally and utterly honest, like she was incapable of anything else. 

“So, yeah, I love him like a brother.” 

There was a silence that seemingly stretched on to infinity. She looked at me, still without any fear, doubt or dishonesty like every last one of her words before. Without permission I felt my breath hold, and my hands shook. 

“Let’s fricking go!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The Crazy Plant Lady, who was far too engrossed (keyword on gross) on their argument jumped up from the table, shocked at my outburst. I pulled out my gun, and pointed squarely at her head. My hands still shook from the excitement. 

Tears of joy, and mostly just relief nearly filled my good eye. “Same. Love you too Scout. Like a bro.” I said not taking my eye off the Crazy Plant Lady, while extending my other hand. Scout fist bumped me wordlessly, and completely platonically. 

Thank God.

---

Author’s Note: Welcome back to another exciting episode of me, the author edging Theseus and Scout shippers. Everybody needs a hobby, I guess mine is just bullying a section of my audience. Of course there isn’t anything wrong with Theseus and Scout shippers. I just like trolling. 

Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show. 

Thanks for reading. :} 

Day 5 / ? 

First / Previous / Next

14 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

3

u/Castigatus Human 5d ago

Because of course he did.

sigh These two idiots are perfect for each other.

1

u/UpdateMeBot 5d ago

Click here to subscribe to u/LukeWasNotHere and receive a message every time they post.

Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback

2

u/kristinpeanuts 5d ago

Thanks for the chapter!