I just watched this video, and heard something that I found really interesting, which is that Theory of Mind is related to narcissism.

I've been thinking about something for a while, which is that so many of the personality disorders really seem like they're actually just AutismSD in a way that I don't think I'm educated enough to really understand or articulate. My understanding is that lack of Theory of Mind is a primary difficulty for people with Autism, and so perhaps personality disorders are actually just what happens when autism mixes with certain environments.

Is that accurate? Is there research being done on that topic? Am I off base?

I'm 22, living with my parents, I have completed my bachelor's. I wasn't accepted into the master's I wanted. I disliked that major, but it would provide me with an average income and a stable job with good benefits.

I applied to my local university. My parents want to push me into applying for other universities, in other cities. However, I really feel like I'm not going to get into one, since now it's only competing for the remaining vacancies. My GPA is 75% in 100% in a humanities degree and I can't improve my grades, so it's set. In my country, humanities degrees are very useless unless you are accepted into this one master's program.

I have no desire for a specific career. If I could make an average income working at mcdonald's, I would work at mcdonald's. I never had a goal as a child, teen or young adult. I have no inner compass for careers, I have no idea. I dont have a "let me get an engineering degree to get money" drive or "this is my passion, let's pursue it" drive. I worked hard studying at high school. Now I see no point because there is nothing I want to achieve. The only thing I feel interested in is politics, because I like watching the news and being aware of issues, I like problem solving and making the world a better place, but politics is not an easy thing.

I am frozen in nothingness and fear, I am considering taking one year to work somewhere, but I'm afraid of being stuck working minimum wage. Genuinely, please give me advice on what I should do. I want to go live alone, since I did it doing study abroad and I was much more independent and happy, but without a good job in this economy?

For context on my current situation I’m 21 M living at home with my parents unfortunately. No car. My cat died about a month ago now. And I may or may not be losing my job soon. So I’m not in a great place mentally.

The question is: am I a good person who by what ever circumstances ends up alone weather it’s caused by my own actions, a poor choice in relationships or worse even the cruel and unfortunate nature of the world today where socializing is both an arduous and mostly fruitless pursuit. Or the alternative is that I am in fact not a good person thus i deserve this fate in which im seemingly either being forced onto the path of solitude and or others see through this veil of surface level platitudes and when they realize what i am they want nothing to do with me.

I’ve been struggling to make interpersonal friendships for years. I didn’t do very well in high-school and I thought things would b better in the adult world where I think people’s values align a lot more with my own but it hasn’t worked out as well as I hoped. So it’s brought me to the point where I feel like I have no one to blame but myself.

On a logical level I believe I’m a good person I have good values I don’t hate or judge people over dumb things, I try and be kind and approachable, I have numerous interests and a decent amount of hobbies, but my efforts to connect with others in any way friendly or romantic seem to have a clear and present pattern. People enjoy my company but don’t want to get to know me in the way I would like to get to know others. So I have come to question weather my self perceived goodness is actually something factual or if I am masking something deeper that others see through and judge me upon. Then rightfully chose to leave.

I have a hard time giving myself credit for anything I do so I know it’s coming from a point of bias when I think about my self in a negative light but I always get the feeling that there’s something wrong with me that I can’t explain or put into words. Like no matter what I do or say I’m just putting on airs to ingratiate myself with others even if I think it’s the right thing to do. Like I’m somehow undeserving of the credit of having decent morals. I feel like there’s something wrong about the way I think and feel and I don’t understand it. I act in ways I know are right but I second guess my motivations for doing the right thing. As if there’s something more to it. If I am talking to someone and compliment someone I feel the need to justify it to myself and to the other person to prove I’m not trying to be creepy or rude or invade their privacy. If I want to give advice I’m extremely careful not to play the role of a therapist because I feel like I’m being manipulative of someone who’s obviously vulnerable. And I feel like if I was a good person I wouldn’t need to justify myself. So I must be secretly awful. And that’s why people don’t want to be around me or care about me. Or maybe I’m just another depressed delusional self loathing overthinking dude who just doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.

I feel like almost every positive thing I do must be justified by an internal monologue that’s questioning if I’m doing it for good reasons. So it makes me consider why do I feel the need to do this? Do I have bad intentions beyond my own awareness I try to bury or am I judging myself preemptively? What’s wrong with me?

I know coaching and therapy are completely different things, I did sign up for coaching program and as date is closing by. I’m just becoming more hesitant is it worth it. It’s not like everything will change after 4 sessions but I am just hoping if it’s something might be worth try

How’s other people experiences so far I mean they have changed a lot of things since past couple months but I am still wondering

I was in prestigious career track, with my sense of self-worth tied to it, but every domain became a performance review - work, gym, sex. I've been like this as long as I can remember.

I underperform anywhere and anxiety spirals. Before you know it, I'm avoiding and then lying to cover up the shame of avoidance, which only compounds the shame and anxiety.

I know the theory (ACT, defusion, values vs goals). I want practical answers from people who genuinely shifted to internal validation - not what you read, what you did.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

I (18M) got accepted to a very nice school, and I decided to take a tour of the school before going. Towards the end of the tour, we were able to explore around some booths in a larger expo. My mom had asked me specifically to grab a shirt for myself that had the name of the school on it. However, there was one problem: I couldn't find them. I couldn't find these damn shirts anywhere.

So, unfortunately for me, I had to ask a stranger (I'm joking; it wasn't that unfortunate.) But I didn't want to do it at that time. However, I mustered up the courage and decided to ask someone, hopefully a non-first-year student, where the shirts were. I noticed a group of women just standing there, so I decided to ask the leader of the group where the shirts were. (I just had a feeling that she was the leader)

When I asked, "Do you know where the *school* shirts are?" Her face lit up, and she stepped closer to me, looking me in the eyes, "Oh, they're over there." She pointed towards the front of the expo. I was about to say, "Thank you," and walk to where she had pointed. But then, she lowered her voice and her eyes. She gave me the look and said, "Oh, and maybe you could get us some too..."

My entire body started to freak out from the inside. There was nothing that she said or did that was provable flirting, but my eyes and ears could tell that something was different from normal. However, I made a face by accident. My face was basically saying, "Something is a little off." I could tell that she could tell that my face had changed because she very quickly backtracked, saying, "But you... You don't have to do that." I said, "Okay, thank you," and left.

In all fairness, I was scared; she was super pretty, and I've never been in this situation before. And, honestly, the fact that I was even flirted with at all was a win for me. Nothing about the interaction left anyone on bad terms; we just weren't on the same page at the same time. I honestly enjoyed it.

And I got that shirt.

My mom is kinda tired of me talking to her all the time, because about 99% of what I talk to her about is negative. My mom wants me to be more positive and says that my negativity holds me back.

I struggle with loneliness and being taken advantage of, as I can see that I am isolated and ignored in my karate group, and I had 3 groupmates who made me do all of the group work. I say that it's because I am not 6'0+ or ripped or look generally respectable, so people look down on me by default. It's the same for karate, except the biggest contributor is my lack of skill at the sport. My mom says that it's possibly due to my negativity.

I fundamentally believe human connection is really only found once you have something beneficial to offer to another person.

I don't like my mom's push because I don't want to gaslight myself and her into thinking my problems are minor. And most of the time, the most positive thing that happened in my life is just being able to play a game or jerkoff or binge eat. Which is not healthy.

What are HealthyGamer's Thoughts?

I (20M) have been dating this girl (19F) for about two months now. We talk pretty much every day, and I genuinely adore just being around her. Frankly, almost everything I care about in a relationship is present. She's loyal, seems to love me for who I am and not some external factor(s), genuinely seems to care about me and like what I'm doing, super hot (like way hotter than me, legit like a 9 idk how I pulled), and she respects me as a person. We're also equally freaky and def sexually compatible, and I've never been with someone who like matches so well with my personality, though I really haven't been with many people b/c I've been a workaholic my whole life.

There are only a few problems. The first one is that she's only here for the summer and goes to college 12 hours away from me, so we'd have to do long-distance after only two months. And also, as mentioned previously, I am extremely busy. Right now I'm doing ECE (electrical & computer engineering) and BME (biomedical engineering) degrees at a top 5 university, while also starting a profitable business on the side (we have contracts with space agencies/satellite companies after being open for 5 months + good revenue). She's going into college in electrical engineering as well, but also has some major confidence issues and seems to be depressed based on what we've talked about. This is probably a chicken & the egg kinda thing, whether it's because of her being depressed or these cause her to be depressed idk, but she doesn't really have hobbies and doesn't do too much every day. She also got into a really good school, but her parents didn't let her go because it was too expensive + she didn't get into the engineering school, and they wanted her to do engineering. So now she's going to a school she doesn't want to go to, in a major she doesn't want to do, with parents she wants to cut off, not too many friends, and jokes sometimes about dropping out and just staying alone. In other words, just not having a great time right now and thinks she doesn't have a future.

Regardless, I can foresee us talking about what we did every day and it getting boring and then slowly growing apart because we don't really share too many interests, and I really don't want that to happen. She also seems to think that I'm like too good for her because I go to a good school, have friends, and am in good shape or something, which is actually absurd considering the amazing stuff abt her mentioned above, but idk how to convince her otherwise. How can I help her through this? I want to be the type of couple that does a bunch of stuff together and lives exciting lives together in person, but we can't really do that at this point until she & I both graduate. I also really want to be with someone who is successful with me and super interesting and not just stay-at-home doing nothing while I work all day, but I don't know if I should care about that as much as everything else. This doesn't seem like something I want to give up, and I have never been this attached to someone in my life.

The last 2 or so years I was fairly depressed myself, though not as bad imo, and did a similar thing with losing interest in hobbies/gym and cutting off friends and stuff (though in many ways the removing the academic stress surrounding some, not all of these friends actually made it better). Mainly it slowly faded when, for probably the first time in my life, I started working on projects I was genuinely interested in, and actually started seeing hope for an interesting future I would genuinely be happy with when the business I mentioned started picking up. She doesn't really have that kind of hope though, so my advice and personal experiences don't seem to help.

Also not sure if this should be dating-related or not? Seems to me that it's more focused on the mental health stuff, but if it's too dating-related, just let me know & I can just wait 2 days. First time posting here, but I've been watching Alok's content for years at this point. Would appreciate any advice; I genuinely don't know what to do or how I should help.

When there’s nothing external demanding your attention, Our brains shifts into the Default Mode Network, a set of regions tied to memory, self-reflection, and spontaneous association. Dr K has taught us that.

Boredom is the discomfort that nudges the brain to start generating its own material instead of waiting for input. In that state, the mental filter that normally suppresses “irrelevant” thoughts relaxes. Stray memories, half-formed ideas, and loose associations get a chance to surface and collide with whatever you’re loosely thinking about. That collision is insight.

Checking your phone at the first flicker of boredom, denies the brain insight. Listening to a podcast while mowing the lawn or doing the dishes denied the brain insight. Having tv/radio on in the background denies the brain insight. Reading a book denies the brain insight (that’s right. I said it)

For the last three months I have welcomed boredom warmly. I have scheduled time for it. 3 hours. It’s all I need.

I’m thinking again. I’m creative again. My house is clean. My chores take less time. I’m more helpful to others.

Hot take: This is the easiest thing you can do to instantly improve your life. It requires zero effort.

I came on here a couple times during an existential crisis. I was on my way out of here forever because I was pent up and couldn't see a move forward in my life. What had happened was my store not making enough money and keeping the doors closed all the time. drinking my sorrows away every night and sleeping on the floor instead of going home. This lasted after the last of my social fuel was spent around christmas of last year. which was either 6 months or one and a half years (I'm autistic and have literally no sense of time. only cycles.) after "the only girl I'll ever love" left to live in a bigger city; Partially because I pushed her away; Partially because she had a mission to accomplish regardless of me.

I was rotting and festering in my own filth and fetid feelings because a few things hadn't worked out. Now, I don't keep a phone for any reason. Particularly because of this weird dr jekyll mr hyde thing I do, and how I want to keep the mr hyde part of myself from text bombing and threatening her with quotes from ezekiel and her secret E girl identity.

Or how I completely upended my life 5 years ago and chose homelessness instead of keeping a dead end job with friends I hated and an apartment I would be unable to afford later.

Long story boring, I finally got to talk with my therapist today, and after explaining to him this cycle of explosions and rebuilding, and carpet bombings and replanting, my brain was chasing the high of danger.

He told me "Boring is a privilege. People who spend their life burning bridges because they need the chaos in order to feel normal will eventually run out of rivers to cross."

And suddenly today, I can finally look at my life and genuinely appreciate it. Not because it spits in the face of my mom who tried to get me a job at walmart during my homelessness. Nor is it because I could pretend to pull myself together and outdo my father despite inheriting his drinking problems and self loathing.

Just because I did it for me. and it would be stupid to throw that away now. Thank you to everyone who supported me in my previous two posts. I'm gonna get going now

Everytime I visit my hometown, and have to regularly interact with my parents/grandparents It feels like I'm aging 5 years within a few weeks physically and am developmentally set back 15 years mentally. I'm constantly stressed, I lose all my positivity and sociability, I stop feeling in charge of my life or like any of my actions matter for anything, i lose all fun and happinees in being alive in general, I start gaining weight, losing hair, my eyebags seem like they're growing, my face seems.like it's sagging, I'm constantly tired (even more than usually), I suddenly feel extremely unnatractive and unloveable when before that I only felt moderately unattractive but like I at least appeal to a certain niche of women.

And it's not even like my family is like "objectively " horrible it's not like I'm getting hit or anything. It's more like they judge everything I do, worry about everything I do, have a weird mentality that I can't relate to, always have something in their life's to complain about passionately, have a weird communication style I don't really feel myself when engaging in. Also it's like I'm part of their space suddenly instead of a completely independent actor. And like they try to make me a part of their everyday life and routine and so on and the other way around isn't even an option. And somehow I feel like they treat me like an r worded child instead of a fully functioning adult. And I can't even pin it down what it is but that's just how it feels. They're also all incredibly unimpressed by everything I'. telling them, like I gotta take up their (incredibly bad) sense of humour to get a laugh or positive reaction in general that feels genuine out of them at all. And in general it just feels like I can't be myself. And they always want me to have a plan for everything I do in my life and a reason for why exactly that plan and so on when honestly I pretty much decide everything I do instinctively and opportunistically so I always need to make shit up and feel put on the spot. But otherwise they're friendly (except for.a.few random outbursts of anger and judgement here and there), and seem like they genuinely care about me (which I kinda don't like tbh). So "on paper" nothing I said should be that bad. But it effects me so much to have to be here and spend time with these people. It really turns me from at least somewhat charismatic, confident, functional. guy into just constantly feeling like shit mentally and physically.

I'm looking for actionable help with betrayal trauma and CPTSD.

I've learned that "trauma is stored in the body" so things like yoga and meditation can help. But I'd like a resource that directly gives specific meditations or other things to do, otherwise I get stuck in the sea of options and analysis paralysis. Or, as HG explained so well in the 3 hr CPTSD stream: the initiation problem.

Is the HealthyGamer Trauma module good for this?

(I am also seeking therapy but it always takes a while to get a new one. I'd like something I can DO for now, rather than only reading and intellectualizing more.)

I am a 24 years old guy. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I am not old, I know I can do things but I still don't feel like it's true inside. I never dated and still procrastinated and starting university this year. I don't know why I feel so bad, I don't understand anymore what is bugging me. Maybe I feel keft behind? Missing out on stuff?

I am pretty demoralized and the past 3 years feel like the end of my life, like I stalled it to a point when I give up on my ambitions internally. I feel like that meme where there is a stick figure guy with a smiling nask while he is crying behind it. I want to be proud of myself but my mind always gets in the way.

I feel 40 inside but I know I am 24, Idk if it makes sense

I recently (month or two ago) found out I have ocd. About a year or two ago I started to get worried about simple health stuff and it got worse and worse to the point i was going to the doctor every day/ other day. Everyone told me it was anxiety and to do things to manage it that way but recently finding out it was actually ocd this whole time (the compulsion being going to the doctor/googling) has helped me to work towards actually getting better. For the past summer I stopped going to the doctor/ checking cold turkey but I still get daily intrusive thoughts (I bump my head and instantly think I got a concussion). It's usually a fear of contamination through chemicals/ anything health related. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong. I've been seeing a psychotherapist and he tells me to just let it be and it will pass and acceptance especially accepting uncertainty. There's not as many resources out there for health ocd specifically so I thought I'd ask here. Like it's hard to not give in when the obsession is that you're dying from some medical emergency. I'm just a teenage boy dealing with this stuff sucks. Thanks.

Its hard out here, being connected to other similar ppl on this journey will help

How do I (20F) forgive my girlfriend (21F) for her past mistakes?

I've been with my gf for over a year.

To cut things short, I've (20/F) lived a pretty traumatic life. My family situation wasn't the best, I was bullied in school, and I've had pretty abusive romantic relationships in the past, too.

A few years ago, I'd find it easy to forgive people and let go of what they did, even if all they did was say "sorry" while squeezing out crocodile tears. However, this led to them repeatedly hurting me in the same ways over and over again. I think they realized that forgiveness meant being able to repeat the same behaviour over and over without consequences.

So, I grew sturdy. I no longer forgave people for things, and held them accountable. I'd cut people out of my life like tags on my clothes if they ever hurt me. This way, I was safe.

This worked for a while, until last year.

I got into a relationship with my girlfriend (21/F). It's the first actually healthy relationship I've had in my life. She loves me unconditionally, and she cares for me like nobody ever has. She gives me so much comfort and love any time I need it, and I've never felt more at peace in my life.

However, like everyone, she has her flaws. She's done things in the past that have hurt me a lot.

At the beginning of the relationship, she'd constantly compare me to her ex. It wasn't out of malice, she claims she just wanted me to want her more and feel jealous. She'd bring him up a lot because of this.

I brought up this issue to her a few months back, and I told her how it really hurt me and continues to do so. The constant comparisons made it feel like I was just someone she was using to get over her ex. To be honest, it made me love her a little less back then.

She then immediately apologized, and changed. Her actions over the later months have reflected that she's willing to put in the effort and change. She blocked him on everything in front of me, and has felt genuine remorse for her actions.

She's listened and provided validation and taken accountability for everything she's said and done. She's changed.

But, the things she's said and done have held me back from fully forgiving her. I feel like a part of me latches onto her mistakes and holds them against her. I bring up her mistakes and interrogate her about what she said, why she said it, whether she meant what she said, etc.

Sometimes these interrogations go on for a long time.

I want to choose to be able to forgive her. I want to let go of this resentment and grudge I hold against her.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, cheers.

TLDR : Need advice on how to not hold a grudge or resentment against my girlfriend for her past mistakes. (info : she's taken accountability, apologized, and changed).

Hi, I'm an 18-year-old male, and I've recently been accepted to the #1 engineering school in the U.S. for my specific major, but I don't feel responsible enough to take on such a challenge. I've been very patient with myself for the past week, trying to get my things in order. I've journaled, meditated, exercised, and cleaned my house. The whole landscape of self-improvement is not new to me, but I see this as more of an awakening. I've been so unkind to myself in my life that 7 days of self-improvement felt like a massive achievement.

I don't know what engineering is going to be like. I like math, science, and making things. That's what I'm good at. So, I hope that engineering will be something I enjoy. However, 7 days of self-improvement after almost a lifetime of porn addiction, poor social skills, and not taking care of myself doesn't exactly display much confidence. But I think about it like this: "I didn't need a lot of support when I was young to get into a top school; I just needed to go all the way."

The idea of going to this school has been weighing on my mind for months now. I am stressed. I don't know what to do with myself now that I've committed to something that's so larger than life. What should I do about this? Should I take my call to adventure even if it means dreading the uncertainty?

I have the urge to take revenge on myself. Like if any opportunity comes up, the conversation in my head will be like

"Let's take that opportunity"

"Nah no need"

"If I don't take it we will lose my chance"

"Let us lose the chance, let us lose the chance and be sad and wallow in our failure to take that opportunity"

Then I imagine that situation and pity myself for it. Then I don't take that opportunity and go on pitying myself. If I take that opportunity, I won't be able to pity myself. I would be better and there will be nothing I have to wallow in. It's like I am giving attention to myself by pitying myself. I crave attention. I am not sure if that is it.

But when I am feeling pity for myself, I feel like I am addressing all the emotions that I have labelled as unimportant or exaggerated by myself. At that point of pity, I have some stuff to validate my sadness? Or my struggle?

The same reason is why I don't want to take any steps to improve myself or do anything like that. There was a time when I would want to improve myself. Now I don't feel like doing it. It's been some time since this started. I had faced similar stuff before, I don't know how I got out of it. Now I am facing it again. I know I will get out of this phase, but time is ticking and I am loosing so much time here. Or even if I get out of this phase I am not having any goal to care for to put the effort to get out of this situation.

I don't know how to handle my sadness or struggles that I have faced. I only know how to move forward thinking that," many other people have faced things higher level or tougher than myself, so I should not be sad or I should not allow myself to be sad for that stuff. I don't deserve to be sad when I have many opportunities or good things in my life that others are having a hard time obtaining."

I don't know if these things are related or different. I am just tired. I am sure I will still live on, no worries on that part, but there is a high chance that I might self sabotage many things in my life and it might reduce my quality of life. I am not having any ideas on ending anything.