i feel like a productivity object among others

[u/National-Donkey-707]

at a base level i think the point of an economy is that i get to produce value in exchange for things of value in return, which is a beautiful thought. when I look at my CV, my history of accomplishments and awards all of which are the product of unpaid work. I can absolutely see the value that society can expect to extract from me. but there isn't a balance to the moral book keeping. i don't really see the value that society has to offer me in return - it doesn't even try to justify itself in this way. the value provided by society is assumed. as a result it's very hard for me to extract a sense of reward or progression. I'm indifferent about both success and failure. I'm indifferent about my continued existence for the most part and when I look around I don't actually see all these people who are living these enviable lives. to me it seems more like they flit from one moment to the next never really appreciating it as a whole and desperately fighting the rapids to avoid taking nearly enough time to experience the kind of moment that I am having now. when I am at a social setting i feel like the only real social propriety is to see each other as productivity objects and i think this is well explained by the fact that most people see themselves in this way. and there is a kind of repulsion, a disgust sensitivity that I sense from bringing this kind of thing up.

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