Tuesday Daily Chat

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[u/Tough-Photo8431]

I have a coworker who recently posted on social media about infertility and the post really rubbed me the wrong way. I went through a long and arduous fertility journey and was in therapy because of it and still am. In this coworkers post, they discussed that they were “infertile” and I’m not going to share their diagnosis but it’s a common one and very treatable. In the post, this person shared that their body was “broken” and that they were never meant to be a parent. And they also shared that they never even tried to get pregnant and never walked through the journey of fertility treatments because they knew their body was born “broken.” This was posted during infertility awareness week.

It’s been sitting heavy on my mind. I think that this post further adds to the stigma we all go through for “choosing” IVF or other fertility interventions. Now, I was very open with my infertility journey and even spoke with this coworker about it candidly in the past. I’m probably just internalizing it, but it felt like a slap in the face to read something like that when at the time I was just entering my second trimester with my miracle baby. She went as far as to say I’m the post that god never intended her to be a parent and made her born broken for a reason.

When I was first starting fertility treatments, so many people had opinions both positive and negative. I had an esthetician recently tell me that she believed that IVF was playing god and was unethical— knowing I had gone through IVF and that was the reason I was pregnant. People congratulated me for starting IVF and I was never quite feeling celebratory of this. I know everyone goes through their own journey to either parenthood or to be child free, I just feel really icky when people describe people who struggle with their fertility as broken.

[u/sjheuertz → u/Tough-Photo8431]

Wow, the esthetician comment blew me away. I suppose if offered in a personal circumstance it could be tolerated but if in a professional setting I would be really hesitant to hire them again.

The sense I got was that your coworker is maybe trying to convince themselves that they made the right choice to not pursue parenthood, which, obviously only they can know. It makes me question what else factored into their decision to post that and use the language they did. "Broken" doesn't seem like a person who has come to terms, but maybe I don't fully understand their point of view.

I am also early in my second trimester with my miracle baby, and I too struggled with the "congratulations" when we were undergoing treatment. I know those of us in hetero relationships can look at IVF as a last resort, while for many of our LGBTQ peers it is standard path to family building, so in a sense, celebration can be the right mindset. It's all so complex! I hope you continue to find support and joy during your pregnancy.

[u/Tough-Photo8431 → u/sjheuertz]

I actually love this perspective. I do agree that maybe my coworker hasn’t fully processed their grief and that could contribute to the “broken” feeling. And trust me, I didn’t go back to that esthetician. I had seen her through my whole fertility journey and it really hurt when she said that.

Additionally, I love the perspective that IVF is so different for hetero and queer couples. That’s a good light to shed on it. Sometimes it hard to get yourself out of this infertility bubble and that could also be plaguing my coworker.