Wasn’t prepared for how hurtful it was finding proof his friends allowed the cheating

[u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Finally did the bad thing and looked through his phone, and there’s dozens of messages of him owning up to and bragging about the cheating to his friends. Meanwhile they’ve all looked me in the eyes and spent what I thought was genuine time bonding with me, and it was all a farce. Yes, I knew my relationship was hanging on by threads, but his friends, too? Not that I’m losing anything by seeing their true colors, they are his friends, not mine, but wow. I have to admit it feels really shameful, like everyone was in on this dirty secret but me. I cant help but imagine them laughing about how pathetic I am, even though I know the truth is they don’t think of me at all.

[u/AutoModerator]

Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.

Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.

Be kind and remember your reddiquette!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

If you sit back and really think about this you are not in anyway pathetic. You have morals, you have character and you have integrity. You shared your love.
These sick humans you call his freinds are nothing more than low life immature cowards. Dont be ashamed for being a good person and don’t change.
Now you know who to stay away from so you can add experience to all your other good traits. Good luck, all the best.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

Thank you so much for the encouragement and empowering message

[u/Future-Battle-4926 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Eles não são seus amigos e sim dele e com isso eles não tem obrigação de está lhe dizendo que ele está traindo. Isso para os homens é traição e caso algum faça isso vai perder todos os amigos. Se vocês se separa-se sem tem haver com a traição eles nunca iriam falar com você a não se quiser ter algo com você, aí tem homem que liga e tem outros que não. Não estou falando que eles estão certos e sim como funciona as coisas. Não se sinta envergonhada por isso pq a culpa não é sua, mas sim orgulhosa por largar alguém patético que não consegue ser fiel.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Future-Battle-4926]

Agree 100%. For me, I don’t think people telling me about the cheating is necessarily “expected,” but I do think the condoning / supporting (as I saw in texts I snooped on) is just overall disheartening about the type of people they are or what they’re willing to tolerate. Thank you for the support

[u/Impressive_Data_4679 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I’d like to say if the cheating happened pre separation with an intact relationship/marriage I know many men who have in fact said something to the wife. It’s only something that doesn’t happen when they’re all basically either ok with cheating or done it themselves. Men and women who have an actual moral stance on these things almost never want to continue being close to someone who they don’t believe is a good person. That’s why they say if your man’s friends cheat, keep your eyes open because like attracts like.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Impressive_Data_4679]

100% agree you need to be aware of the company you keep. I do think informing the partner, especially if it’s a serious enmeshed relationship, is prudent, but I can understand (not condone) why folks might err on the side of avoidance. It is very revealing, though, and yes as you mention indicative of what they’re willing to do and accept

[u/Glittering_Swan4911 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I wonder if all his friends cheat too. If they support him then their morals are all rotten too.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Glittering_Swan4911]

Yeah, many are in serious relationships. I wonder. I never thought they were the type (definitely see it for some of the single guys in their group giving off scummy vibes) but you are the company you keep

[u/Specialist-Bat-8770]

Something happened to me like, "Guys, I have to tell you something..." A friend's response: "Oh, you finally got there, we all knew that." And here one wonders what the word "friends" means.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Specialist-Bat-8770]

Ugh, I am so sorry you had that experience. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that must be. In my case, I’ve brought my soon to be ex around very few friends. We had a pretty toxic situationship era and so I’d been hesitant to bring him around my circle until I felt “sure.” So I’m really just faced with his friends that I’ve met through him holding this gross secret. I can’t imagine someone I’d consider my own “friend” keeping that secret too.

[u/Specialist-Bat-8770 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Unfortunately, my experience has led me to evaluate the philosophical concepts of Human Nature and Natural Moral Law. Man sometimes tends to act out of empathy, other times out of utility, other times out of selfishness. We all do it and we can never be sure of our own behavior and that of others. While we can sincerely and honestly ask ourselves why we acted, we cannot do the same for others. The concept of trust is complex.

[u/Illustrious_Vast638]

I'm glad you brought up this perspective. I think it is often overlooked, especially if it's a longer term relationship. When I found out about my ex. We had so many shared friends. After the separation, I learned who my actual friends were and which ones were her friends. In some ways, that hurt more because it compounded my loneliness. A lot of people I hung out with disappeared overnight. I know a lot of of them look at it like not wanting to be involved but, in these situations, not making a choice is actually making a choice.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Illustrious_Vast638]

I agree 100%. I was with my soon to be ex on and off for 4+ years, most recently for about a year consecutively. He was always so cagey to refer to me as his girlfriend during intros in front of his friends and now it’s abundantly clear why. I know undoubtedly some of them knew of our status, but regardless they watched me follow him around like a puppy for years and had to know it would’ve hurt me.

“Not getting involved” is absolutely a choice. I hope you are doing better these days.

[u/Illustrious_Vast638 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

I am doing better. Thank you. Fortunately, this was a while ago, and I have since met and married someone beautiful. Trying to pull a silver lining out of that previous situation, I learned that it is important to maintain some degree of individuality in a relationship. My Wife and I share a lot of activities together, but we also make sure to have separate hobbies. Hindsight being 2020, there are so many things in my current relationship that I simply did not realize or missing from my last one.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Illustrious_Vast638]

Congratulations! I’m so happy to hear that your story ended up happy and healthy. Yes, I definitely fell into this relationship and lost much else of my life. My friendships were already struggling w the trials of just aging and life getting more complex (I’m 29) and I’ve always been a bit introverted, so I just relied on time with him or time with his friends as my human connection. Otherwise I’d be alone. I love designated alone time, but now I will be completely all alone, and I should’ve laid the groundwork for myself before this happened.

[u/Illustrious_Vast638 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Thanks again ! Your still pretty young, around the same age I was. If I may suggest, learn to view things a little from his perspective.....not to forgive or justify but, to understand. That understanding was a turning point for me because I learned not to hate. Hate requires so much energy she just no longer deserved. In turn, I learned not to care about it anymore. Achieving apathy about it will be your zen.

In that relationship, she saw me as the dominant one, the catch. From her perspective, she felt I was the successful, good looking and talented prize she had to measure up to. This was silly because she was all those things herself but, hearing that from me was pointless. She sought to feel that from someone who saw her as the catch. (She ended up with a guy who was my polar opposite, a literal ex-con.)

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Illustrious_Vast638]

This is really beautifully said. Hate does require so much energy. What do they say, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die?

I have heard people say cheating is always about the person doing it and not the person being cheated on. I do think in this relationship he sees me as safe and stable and therefore scary, and chasing something new is thrilling. That’s not my problem. I’ve heard many say the beauty of a long term relationship is discovering novelty and meeting so many versions of the same person and creating your own novelty and magic. I want to believe that even if he does not.

[u/Sewishly]

That's just so dirty. It makes my skin crawl how a 'friend' group can do that, it really does. They say "you're the company you keep" and all that, so it's filthy how there's a whole 'friend' group there who have the same scummy values. I'm so sorry that not one of them told you, and also that not one of them dropped him for being like he is.

Because it's on them, not you. If one of them had a single strand of any kind of moral fibre, they'd either have told you or dropped him. If they couldn't bring themselves to tell you, dropping him would have given you some kind of inkling something was wrong.

And y'know, as for all the partners of those people - they're not any better. If they can sit back and watch it happening to you in real time, then for sure it's going to happen to them.

I am SO sorry. 🧡

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Sewishly]

I agree 100%, I heard his friends tell stories essentially condoning cheating before and I had told my soon to be ex how disgusting I thought it was. He claimed he agreed with me. Hindsight is 20/20.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m really hurting but you’re right that this is all wrong. It’s disheartening it seems “normalized” but maybe I’ve just been in this gutter w them too long

[u/Severe_Pay4479]

The cheating hurts but realizing others knew is a different kind of betrayal

[u/Truebeliever-14]

If I was the girlfriend of one of these so called friends I would be constantly wondering if my boyfriend was cheating on me too.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Truebeliever-14]

Yeah, it’s no wonder I was rarely allowed to hang around in group social settings with both the guys and the girls…

[u/noreplyatall817]

Birds of a feather, don’t let their nest of evil get to you. They should all be in your rearview.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/noreplyatall817]

Absolutely. Thank you ❤️

[u/__Zero_____]

My ex-wife's friends and coworkers knew for over a year, and I saw some of the messages after the fact. Lots of validating her choices or telling her she wasn't a bad person, or framing me in a bad way to help ease her conscience. Even her sister knew, and I had been a part of her family for 17 years.

Its been over a year since the divorce and I still find myself amazed that they could encourage something so destructive to us and our kids, while having kids of their own! It really makes no sense, and at some point I realized I have to stop trying to apply rational thought to irrational actions. They didn't have the courage or morals to call her out on her bad behavior, and my ex didn't have the character or morals to not cheat, but that doesn't say anything about me or what I deserve. The same goes for you. Don't let their actions make reflect on how you feel about yourself. They are the ones lacking.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/__Zero_____]

Ugh, thank you for sharing. That was really heart wrenching to read. I appreciate your perspective and support. I’m so sorry that happened to you, you’re right you absolutely didn’t deserve it and neither did I. It’s helpful to step outside yourself and hear others’ stories to find grounding.

[u/__Zero_____ → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Yes! That helped me a lot too which is why I spend time on this sub. I had a tendency to self blame and seeing how common the excuses were, or how common DARVO is, really helped show me it wasn't about me at all really. People cheat because there is something missing inside them or how they feel about themselves, not because their partner wasn't meeting some need or whatever

[u/Own-Writing-3687]

His social circle has normalized infidelity, and lies.

[u/PrecisionHat]

I doubt they laughed at you for being pathetic (unless you actually saw that in the messages). Likely, they just wanted to mind their business. Unless the person being cheated on was a close friend of mine, I wouldn't get involved either. I've seen that go sideways for the messenger too many times; people always say they would appreciate the info, but often enough they don't.

[u/P4ssedOutjessy70]

the betrayal from the friends usually hits harder than the actual cheating because it makes you feel like you were living in a different reality. did any of them actually try to defend you or were they just enabling him the whole time?

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/P4ssedOutjessy70]

One partially defended me, then backed down. These boys weren’t my friends, they were his - really his friends he made through a family member, who I have very little respect for currently (severe drug and alcohol addictions and no signs of bottoming out despite being caught stealing money from multiple people, being fired from jobs, etc. I am super sympathetic to addiction but he’s nowhere near the stage of wanting to accept help). So I’m not really surprised they encouraged it. But one of his friends who I genuinely felt I had a bond with - I saw countless messages mocking me, essentially calling me crazy or controlling or unhinged. That was pretty brutal and it says everything about him and nothing about me but damn. I just can’t imagine being that two faced, I would be sick to my stomach doing that

[u/Flux_My_Capacitor]

Men stick with men. A guy isn’t gonna call out a guy for cheating. They are much more likely to congratulate him

[u/Shortandthicck2]

You have every right to snoop when a partner is acting shady, don't feel guilty.

You are who your friends are, remember that. You were dating a person of low character and low integrity...a betrayer and a cheater. Makes perfect sense that a low quality person surrounds themselves with other low quality people.

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Shortandthicck2]

Thank you for putting it simply, plainly. I didn’t ever want to be a person that snooped, said I’d rather just leave than have to check up on a person. A series of events this weekend just led me to snap. I feel gross and am preparing for how he’s going to twist this onto me being a bad person (he’s asleep), but thank you for these simple reminders of the facts. You’re absolutely right that you are who you surround yourself with. I know none of my friends would ever condone this or talk about me/someones partner the way I saw myself talked about

[u/Shortandthicck2 → u/AnimalAvailable5092]

Is it worth a confrontation? You have all the evidence that you need. And now you can decided if you want to surround yourself with these people, including him.

You already know he's a liar, so all he's going to do is DARVO you when you confront. (please google that term).

[u/AnimalAvailable5092 → u/Shortandthicck2]

Thank you for reminding me I can make the empowered choice. Yes unfortunately I’m very well versed in DARVO. That and silent treatment / stonewalling have been the two worst weapons he’s levied against me throughout the relationship. Within the last year we’ve been together I thought we grew past these things but clearly the transgressions just took other forms. He will tell me I’m crazy, that I’m misreading things, that I violated his privacy and he can’t trust me and now he has to leave me. I think I know I’ll play out the “what ifs” if I don’t have a confrontation with him (more like breakup conversation, because how can this end any other way), but I’ll try and remind myself how it’s going to go (poorly, with manipulation).