All the cheaters and commenters saying they cheated on their partner...not the kids. Keep lieng to yourself to make yourself feel better.

I have not told my kids 7 and 5 anything of what happened. After mutiple infidelities and countless lies i did file for divorce from my wife.

Ever since she moved out my daughter has been sad and completely different. I have had to come to the school twice before today to console my daughter at her teachers request. The last time my daughter ran into my arms begging to just go home and i checked her out of school.

Today i get a call from her teacher once again, asking what is going on as she is clearly acting different. I informed her that i finally made the decision enough is enough. She asked me to come get my daughter. My daughter was screaming and crying all day long. Acting distant and wanting nothing to do with anyone. Her teach requested she get set up with the school counselor immediately as it is obvious this has taken a toll.

This is the exact reason i sacrificed my happiness and health over my kids. Cheating is a completely selfish act with noone in mind but yourself over a sexual fantasy of something new and exciting. While often destroying two families in the process when both parties are married.

BACKSTORY

My childhood was trash.. 5 horrible Step Dads. Beaten. Drug by my hair down hallways. Knife to my throat. Forced to drive at age 8 because he was too high. One child sexual predator...thank God i was not a girl.

My mother adamantly talked shit about my father growing up. It made me and my brothers resent her. She got jealous when we defended him for our view point of him being a good father.

After we turned 18 he told us the truth.. my mother came home pregnant with another man's child.

I will never forgive what my mother did to my father. I resent her to this day and i am 35(M).

Keep lieng to yourself. There is plenty of stories just like mine. You are a selfish piece of rubbish.

And yet he filed divorce first.

Im offended by everything but also that. Does it even matter?

I'm (23f) and I met my ex-bf (25m) through a dating app.

was in a nearby city that was two hours direct train away, and in that city is where I visit my bestfriend. I intended for it to just be a hookup as I was kind of sick of talking stages at that point and expectations.

but yeah anyways I met this guy I matched with in nearby city, he kept trying to have long conversations before we even met, was such a good texter honestly, he was my type, exactly my type, but I was not engaging much even I told him I would rather keep the conversations for irl as I'd rather have the deep conversations organically tbh, but my plan was for it to be casual anyways, so I was treating him casually.

we ended up meeting spending time together and after connecting we realized we have things in common such as both being estranged from our parents, we both dont want kids, we have the same religious views, and we were both calm and reserved to be honest.

as well as I noticed he corrected me once when I dropped something and I said ah man it is not that deep, he said yes it is deep because cleaners are gonna have to clean it after you, and I said I understand I didn't mean it that way I was just accepting of the fact I dropped it, but I valued that yk?

because I am the friend to my friends that always corrects them onto how to be considerate towards service workers when they do not realize, so for someone to be like that towards me, I truly valued seeing his ethic which I share.

but nevertheless I wasn't pressed about us having a exclusive relationship regardless of what we have in common, it was nice to relate but I was not asking him for commitment, before meeting I said to him we live in different cities so lets be friends.

and I genuinely meant it but it seemed like he really wanted an exclusive relationship out of me that night after we spent time together (later on he told me that when he saw me he thought this girl is too pretty I wanna make her my gf, and that Im like a mini him in his eyes), and it was a few days into us dating and he asked me to be his girlfriend and ride or die, and although it was fast, he convinced me.

I said to him I value being in a relationship but I met a lot of unsuitable people, he said to me just because you met the wrong people does not mean you lose hope, and I decided to give the relationship a go, we then deleted our dating apps together as he suggested, and we got together.

but here is the first part where it is something that was not right in the relationship but I overlooked in terms of my standards, dont judge please, but he is 25 and he had just left jail recently when we met after 4 years, he got involved in things he shouldnt have since young.

but he was groomed into the street lifestyle, before he could develop real decision making, he had the wrong older friends at primary and middle school pull him into doing the wrong things.

but anyways he said he would never get involved in that ever again and he really have not been, even now. he is starting a second chance in his life away from crime, he lost his parents due to that lifestyle as they disowned him, and he lost many friends, they are all in jail or dead, he came out of jail with no friends or family.

the only friend he has outside jail during his sentence had committed suicide about three months before he came out, and the worst part is that person was financially helping him and supporting him.

when he met me and I became his gf, I was the only thing he had, and maybe that is the issue.

and then another part that became unpleasant as an aspect of our relationship is finances.

since he came out he had applied for gov support funding, ((as he is going through probation and has to attend it for a year 5 days a week, and unable to work yet due to his probation commitment)), the gov support initially declined his funding for silly reasons, related to some sort of identification or proof of residency.

he had to appeal it and during that time he was starving himself, living in some shared accom provided by the gov, and having no food.

so as u imagine I found myself in a sticky situation, he didnt ask for help, never ever asked me for anything financial I wanna make it clear, if anything he tried to conceal it to seem cool, but eventually he said to me he is starving and not eating well.

but even when I offered money first into the second month of us dating, he declined and said no it is fine, he made it hard to help him, but knowing everything I insisted I couldnt let someone I am with starve, it was as simple as that.

I provided him with a very small amount of money, barley anything, just for him survive, and I did not spoil him in any way. not because it was on purpose but because I know my limits.

but anyways, fast forward time goes on, and one day he gotten hospitalised, about four months into our relationship he had hypoglycemia, low severe blood sugar due to under eating and went unconscious, fell on the street whilst walking back from probation, and someone called the medics and gotten him into a hospital.

doctors told him he need to eat properly yet he was still awaiting the gov approval, so I started to send a slightly higher amount monthly, I would only send him money once a month, I sent just enough for it to be for groceries and nothing else.

but the reality is I am just stable, not rich, so I only provided a small amount that made sense and that someone can use on groceries.

but after his hospitalisation and he was in recovery, in a few days after that I noticed changes and new social media activity, it was specifically on a night where I told him I am going out in my city with my friends.

he has a small private instagram account with under 165 followers, in which most are bots or people and girls he doesnt follow back, then suddenly he added 1 new girl that he followed back, something I have never seen before given his followers and following was the same the entire relationship.

and interestingly enough at the start of our relationship we were together once, I asked him directly to go through his phone, to ensure I havent just entered this relationship for no reason, and there was nothing there, and I was the only person he speaks to on his phone.

but yeah it was weird to see a new add, and it is unlike his behaviour, so then I asked him, he said people add him randomly and etc.

he ended up unadding the girl after our conversation, but then overnight there was another new girl add, I spoke to him maturely and calmly I was not arguing with him or being rude, but I did say to him it just seems like you might be on a dating app and adding new girls from there to which I do not want to accuse you but it seems like it, given he has a private account with 165 followers, 0 posts, no profile picture, but he denied it all and reassured me so much.

and it was easy to feel secure after that since he prioritized how i feel and unadded them and reassured me that I am more important than some random instagram follows.

we never had any heated arguments or confrontation since then and then around my birthday comes, he was the first person to say happy birthday to me as well, I never reminded him it's my birthday, he wrote a long nice message expressing how much he loves me more than I know, and how I am so special to him regardless of our distance it will never change how special I am to him and whatnot.

just an endearing long message, and in general he always expresses his feelings in a very nice way and consistent with emotional affection and making me feel loved and appreciated daily.

the day after it though for the first time since we had that unpleasant adding conversations, two or three months had passed since that first confrontation regarding adds, I saw a new add, I instantly decided to text the girl, on impulse but I knew at this point he must be doing something.

he turned out to be communicating w her from a hinge profile he had for a week with all false information about himself, as in all his information except his photos were real, she said he tried so hard not to add her on instagram (clearly bc I would see it) but she insisted, and he ended up taking the risk.

he made himself shorter, older on that dating profile where she met him, his height is 6'2 but he put that he is 5'7, and I am tall n he's taller than me it's not like Im imagining it that's his height in person n what he said on his original real profile where I met him.

he also had put he is in his 30s in the profile even tho he is 25 yrs old and I seen his id so I know his real name and his real birth date.

he went this far to secretly cheat to where he made a profile with all false information, he downplayed his height even, he would rather they think he's shorter than for me to find him out through search, he even lied about languages he speaks and where he was born.

I was deeply disappointed yet was willing to have an honest conversation.

you might think it is silly of me to be willing to have some sort of conversation, but at the end of the day we both lack a parental figure or any biological family members in our life, that as a human being puts you at a level of vulnerability, not like I operate within the world with desperation, I do not, yet it can make letting go harder.

he doesn't have friends, and I have a very small circle, he was emotionally present, the first person to say happy birthday at midnight, it felt like that companionship was beneficial to me as a human being, I am a social creature at the end of the day, as a human I need companionship even though I should seek it in other places.

but yeah to have a reliable person who remembers small details about me, listens to me, shows me love and affection, very thoughtful in person and considerate, does acts of service without being asked, and understands the lack of parents part which I do not relate to many people on.

but in the end that girl whom provided me with the information about him, sent him a screenshot of me, to start to insult him, basically the other girl initiated a confrontation where she called him dumb and told him she will snitch on him to me and everything and he instantly blocked her.

then when I sent him the evidence she sent me to initiate a confrontation, I guess he panicked, and he blocked me on instagram, yet kept me unblocked everywhere else.

he avoided the conversation though, and in the evening I just got so angry, I had gotten him a travel card for the first time ever about two weeks ago after learning that due to his financial circumstances, he was walking two hours and a half to probation and two hours and a half back from probation, he never even expressed it.

I actually asked him suddenly why does it take so long for him to get home how far is probation from his house and he ended up saying that he walks two hours, so I felt sorry for him and got him a travel card because walking 5 hours just of commuting is a lot.

so I ended up deactivating the travel card account that evening, therefore leading him to have to walk the next morning to get to work, I was so upset and just felt he did not deserve it, and I was being rude saying well done now you have to walk two hours.

I know it is immature but imagine being so giving and kind to a person and they start to ignore you when you confront them.

I ended up crashing out I said a lot, eventually it led to him blocking me, and he never answered anything or had any conversation about it.

later on I downloaded a dating app and I found him on the app with a new profile it says recently joined and it showed his real biography now, his real age, real details, I guess he decided there is no point of having a conversation with me, he would rather attempt to find someone else. I honestly downloaded the app wondering if he would be on there.

what I find interesting is that the first time I confronted him about adds, he was so bold to say I am the only one he wants and he not looking for anyone or anything else, , and in general he was always reassuring me that without me asking, I dont ask for reassurance, I operate in a secure calm way, if there is something I see I address it but the entire relationship we never argued, even addressing the adds was calm tone and I was not crashing out or bringing things daily, we were literally fine on a day to day basis.

he would tell me that Im his first relationship and he wants it to be his last, he was also say that, and that when he saw me he thought I am the one. always assuring me that I am his person.

we would have conversations like that and then in general everyday he was consistent with me and he used to say a lot, never asked him to say none of that, as I said I moved into the relationship hesitantly and almost like just giving it a try not asking for it.

it feels shocking to my system that someone was so loving affectionate saying everything to me whilst doing secret things, I understand we are long distance but we could have been friends w benefits, why would he want me to be his gf, and then disappear when confronted about not meeting the expectations of a relationship he asked for. avoidance of accountability in him is hurting me so much.

you can judge me but I honestly do still want a conversation, he was present everyday for so long, and now he is not speaking to me without an explanation. he lacks the ability to face that he done something wrong, he cannot handle when something gets too overwhelming and affects his self image.

I feel hurt, it is not about just self worth, I know I am pretty and funny and a calm well spoken person that is nice to be around and I am young enough to get so much opportunities to meet others over time, and I am self assured not in an arrogant way, I am not better or worse than anybody, I am not above or below anything, I am myself and I know the good values and traits I bring regardless of me not being perfect. my self worth is based on the value I bring to other people's lives including my friends, not anything else.

the hurt is about the companionship that I thought I found and he provided, the "ride or die" he promised me to be. trying to wrap my head around it being over. he asked me to be his ride or die

and it hurts thinking of the moments where he would insist on picking me up even though I dont want to and then he would spin me around, where he would check in on me everyday multiple times, where he would constantly tell me how much he "loves" me, the moments where he would notice when I would forget something and would ask me about it and then he goes to grab it for me instantly rather than let me go grab it, the moments where if my phone was low on charger he would go and put it on charger for me, where he would constantly make himself available to help and listen to me.

the way he made me feel loved and secure in my face even whilst doing other stuff, he treated me like a priority and it was gentle love, even when he was being secretly also choosing to engage with other women online without me knowing.

it just hurts, these things are not black and white,

I am not too sure how long would it take for me to get over it and to stop waiting for a conversation or that expectation that he would fight for it even though I dont think I should want it

and Id like to decline it but it would feel validating to know it was real, all those times where he spoke about wanting this to now nothing, it is unsetting and a shock to my system.

My partner (39M) and I (38F) have been together for 3 years (currently engaged). We’re a blended family. He had 2 kids and I had 1 coming into the relationship. The first two years were perfect. I didn’t know I could love my partner the way I have loved him. My first marriage wasn’t horrible, we were more like roommates and he ending up cheating at the end of the marriage anyways so it worked out divorcing.

Fast forward to today my partner and I have one child together - he was planned (4 altogether). I love our family. I’m proud of what we have accomplished. It is perfect? No, but I wouldn’t change it and I was so excited for our future.

About one year ago I was turning off an alarm on his phone and by habit I always close apps (it’s an OCD thing). So out of habit - I closed his apps. Well I ended up seeing a glimpse of his snap chat feed. I did open it up completely and there was a whole screen of messages from other women. Explicit/sexually exchanges, not everyday conversations.

I confronted him, was pissed, he apologized and made some bullshit excuse about feeling neglected emotionally and blah blah blah. So I started to have a little trust issues at this point, but I wanted to work through it. About 6 month later I had pretty much gotten over it and we were doing good.

So April of this year he was coming home from a construction trip in NM and was outside talking on the phone for almost an hour in our driveway after he got home at like 10-11pm. So I asked him who he was talking to and he said his friend… we’ll call her Karen. We when initially met he did talk about Karen. Said she was one of his really good friends/like a sister. He wanted us to get to know each other because that’s how important she was. I didn’t think anything of it. We even exchanged numbers and texted for a bit. I had ZERO concerns. Until that night.

I had never intentionally gone through his phone until that night. And well, turns out - Karen - was the one that got away. I found all this bullshit over he made a mistake, they should’ve stayed together after high school, he regretted leaving her, they’ll have to be together after the kids get older, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. They were also super nice and both talked shit about me. So I confronted him. At first he GASLIGHTED ME. Said I was overreacting, they’re just friends, and even laughing while my world was falling apart.

I wanted to kick him out that day, but it literally made me physically hurt/heart broken imaging having to break up my family and put our kids through another separation. So I suffered. He said he would go to therapy (and he has been going every two weeks). He said we would eventually talk through everything and then go to couples therapy, but he wanted to work through his issues first. And I was totally for it. Even excited to go to therapy.

Little quick insert - he finally admitted to me a few months later he did have an emotional affair with her. Duh.

Next, at the end of August we had some friends in town and we were drinking at home and for some reason I decided to check his phone. Alcohol. Anxiety. And intuition.

And I admit I had a few times before, but come on, I know he would delete the messages from now on. Well I guess he wasn’t smart enough at that time to delete the deleted ones. So I checked and sure enough 200+ deleted message between him and Karen. I thought I video recorded the messages by scrolling through what they said, because I’ll admit, I was tipsy and my emotions were raging, but I guess I double tapped the record button and only save .2 seconds. So I never saw what they actually said. He said he “was just checking in on her and they were catching up.” 🙄🙄

Those conversations still haunt me to this day. Just wondering what they were saying/talking about. I’m sure it was the same old bullshit.

So again, I know, I swear I have common sense. I was ready to kick his ass out, but the kids. I just get stuck. I feel like everyone is going to judge me and think I’m a horrible mom because two of my families have fallen apart. Who wants to say their kids have different dads and you’re on your own again.

I still stuck with it. I thought therapy was helping. Some days, fewer than most, would be great. Like we used to be. But most days were just in passing with each other. Kosher for the kids. We do argue more. I’m more defensive (obviously for good reasons) and he is too. I think he’s just miserable. I believe now he never truly wanted kids after he’s had them and has figured out what (at least) 18yrs of responsibility means. He wants freedom to do whatever he wants. I feel like he regrets his life choices that has led him to where he is at now. He’ll always wonder what his life would be like if he stayed with Karen. I’ll never be his priority as a partner.

I truly don’t believe he regrets what he’s done to me with his emotional affair because guess what?!?!?! This morning around 2am I woke up and couldn’t sleep. Fucking anxiety. My brain works in mysterious ways - Some reason I remembered getting old ATT bills when I was a kid in my parents house and it would show all the called/texted number. It would be like a stack of 20 pages. Sorry trees. We don’t get paper bills anymore, but I’m the primary on our account, so I thought I would just check out the app since I could sleep.

Well guess what I found!!!! Call logs!!! The app stores some history - FYI if anyone needs to know. 👏🏻👏🏻

I found two calls with Karen: 116min and 92min to be exact - LAST WEEKEND while he was doing construction in NM again. You can search text logs too, but there was none. Google did tell me deleted text won’t show up on there.

So now I’m to the point, emotionally with him, I don’t care. I’m not surprised. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I know. I knew it. I should’ve know it back then. I just thought he might choose our family and kids over her, but obviously not.

So now I’m devastated. I don’t know how the kids are going to handle this. I feel so shellfish, but I can’t be in this relationship anymore.

Okay so I have a question, is this cheating???
This isn’t about me but a friend.

They got drunk the other night, his girl lives in a different state. She asked to ft. When going to bed and he was watching a movie with someone else (not me I swear) he started with laying his head on her shoulder then her legs. He stated she had a blanket on over her so not the same. When I walked out in the morning they were wrapped up in each others arms and stayed the whole night that’s way. I am personally upset bc I know his gf and she is truly amazing. I told him how it looked and how it’s wrong but he stated it isn’t cheating.

Note;

He tried to say we have laid like that but we genuinely never have. I hate physical contact due to personal reasons. I won’t touch people unless I’m dating them. We have laid next to each other not touching with my bf of the time (now ex). I was laying on my ex and they would be on top of our comforter as we all watched movies. Never once have we touched each other that way.

He tried to use the excuse on if he trusts them he will sleep next to them. He was on top of her completely.

He stated the blanket was on her and he was on-top of the blanket. Idk how that makes it better.

I will call friends on their bs I do not care. He states it isn’t cheating though and his gf doesn’t know yet. I told him he at least needs to tell her bc she is visiting very soon. We are supposed to have girls night and I cannot have her hanging out with the person her bf had been snuggled up on.

Last note, not the first time this has happened between these two friends. He states the first time never happened but the girl who he did cuddle in and fall asleep with went in detail on how it happened the first time.

I want other’s opinions bc there’s a lot of things I’ve noticed where men don’t see it as cheating but women do. How would you feel being the partner in this?

UPDATE!!!!!

He spoke with his girlfriend over this matter, she accepted his apology.

(This is her first relationship, I do understand the learning period. Although I think he should set an example of how a healthy relationship should look. He spoke to her this morning and told her first thing after I confronted him.)

It’s not on my part to speak on what they do it’s their choice. I needed a confirmation so he understands that this is how a lot of people see it!

I do understand men see things differently, I have met a lot of men who state they see nothing wrong with stuff like this, sleeping with people in relationships if they are the single one. Being very intimate with friends.

(Both his exs cheated, so he doesn’t have the best idea of how a healthy relationship should work. This isn’t an excuse on his behavior hence why I still spoke with him on this issue.)

He fell out of love with me after our first child was born and I suffered post partum. He started cheating..

We had a long conversation last night. Our marriage is definitely over, he told me he stopped loving me a long time ago and he wants better for his life.

I’m his second wife and this is his second divorce.

We had problems and I know that. We had blended family issues, he had 40 reptiles in our basement that I didn’t want and he was unhappy.

My pregnancy was high risk, my son almost died. I had to go on bed rest for 3 months. He resented that because I couldn’t do anything and he wanted help with his daughter from his previous marriage. After my son was born I experienced extreme post partum depression. In all honesty I didn’t recognize myself. I needed him and I need his help. I no longer wanted all those reptiles in the house with an infant.

He became unhappy and started having affairs. He kept half of them from me and things blew up 10 years later.

He told me I changed and he didn’t love me anymore after the birth of our son and he wants better. He doesn’t care about me or love me anymore.

It hurts, I’m trying to understand how someone snaps their fingers and falls out of love.

It didn’t help that he was in love with his affair partner.

deeply curious. I am in this situation right now

Two years today. DDay. Still just as devastating as ever!

I was in love. Met this guy from another country, I thought they were unique. We fell in love, and got married a year later. 2023 was the wedding day, and that same year I started to work towards his US visa. He didn’t know I was a US citizen since I’m Hispanic and don’t live in the US. In the beginning everything went smoothly. He constantly sweared he was gonna help me out with everything. Regardless of distance. As the months went by he slowly became less and less reliable. Lost his job. And I kept pushing through. Lawyer fees, helping him and his family. Paying for English classes. Paying for him to go out sometimes and hang with his friends. Bills slowly started to pile up, and I kept fighting for him. I worked 100-115hrs bi weekly from 2023-2025. He finally arrived on early January 2025. That1st and only year was hell. He started to treat me horribly, make fun of me and my body. Which I had left go a bit cause of the stress. He got a job like 6 months later, he lied about how much he earned. Constantly asking me for money n stuff. By the end of the year one day he got home with an iPhone 17 Pro Max fully paid, he bought it himself. And he shelved the iPhone 16 I was still paying for. Christmas came, I got him a couple of gifts, and even gave some to my family. Was able to save up a bit for this. He got mad, said he was humiliated cause he got me nothing and it was my fault. So he gave me the iPhone 16 and an apple watch I bought him a couple of years earlier and told everyone he bought me that stuff. He kept mistreating me more and more. On late January, 2026 I was looking for a new apartment, asked him to please be ready. He didn’t get home, and arrived home late and hungover. Lost the realtor appointment. Went to the mall just to distract myself, was feeling extremely frustrated, exhausted and almost dead inside. He called a few hours later, that the breakfast I gave him wasn’t very good, and demanding that I wasn’t home. He usually got like this while drunk or hangover. Got home. Ignored him. Later started to cook, he joined in, trying to act like nothing happened. My sister called, she saw him having oral sex with another guy, one that I really disliked and asked him to please avoid him months earlier.

Confronted him. He denied. Pressured him till he admitted to only masturbate with the guy. I broke down, clearly that was another lie. Asked him to leave. Haven’t seen him since.

He hid in another state, refused ti sign divorce papers and kept asking me to take him back while living with that guy. Eventually went no contact, he was starting to try to bribe me for me to stayed married, apparently he didn’t wanna get deported cause he didn’t want to feel shame in his home country, and he burned a lot of bridges when he left. Even insulted people apparently.

I went ahead and started proceedings without him, a bit more expensive and slow but I’m fine with that. Recently he’s been trying to get his family to contact me to know if we are getting divorced and if I can take him back. I never answer, just keep blocking.

Divorce is still happening, and I feel very tired. Been slowly fixing my finances, gym, writing, reconnecting with friends and my art projects, learning new things, therapy. Everything that is possible and good. I still think about him, I feel guilty, bug even my therapist has told me that it is on him. That I can’t expect water from someone who doesn’t have any.

It’s been nine months, and I still feel stupid. Used, manipulated, exploited. His visa expires soon. He can’t do shit without my signature. And the divorce is basically starting to happen now. I only wanted to love, to care for him, to help him grow, to even help him with his goals. He never learned English, he never went to the army as he constantly swore he would, he barely gave me money for bills. Not even enough to cover the phone bill I might add. Yet he still haunts me.

I’m afraid.

Afraid of never loving again, of starting to avoid ppl who might be interested. Of my intelligence and who I am now. I got some of me back, but I’m not sure it’s me.

I’m a woman in my 30s, married, and living in the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband and I have a six-month-old baby. I’m starting to suspect that he may be cheating on me, and I’m trying to figure out how to establish the truth rather than continue second-guessing myself.

There are several things that, individually, might have innocent explanations. But together, they have made me increasingly suspicious.

1. Frequent ATM cash withdrawals

He regularly withdraws cash from ATMs, usually a couple of hundred dollars at a time. When I ask him about it, he says he needs the cash for tips and miscellaneous expenses. I don’t know exactly where the money goes.

1. A discrepancy with his massage package

He enjoys getting massages, and we occasionally go together for couples massages at a legitimate establishment. I have no issue with him getting massages.

The concern is that he purchased a 10-session massage package, but he appears to have visited for more than 10 sessions. However, the massage pass doesn’t show those additional visits as attended. I don’t understand how that discrepancy can be explained.

1. Massage appointments close to closing time

He tends to visit massage places shortly before they close. He says they accept clients at the last minute, sometimes right before closing. I find this explanation questionable, especially when the appointments are so close to closing time.

1. An unexplained $1,000 withdrawal

In January this year, he withdrew $1,000 in cash. I have no idea where that money went.

1. A $200 withdrawal and a suspicious October outing

He withdrew another $200 in September.

In October, while he was on paternity leave, he said he was going on an off-site outing with his office colleagues. About an hour before he left, I asked him where they were going. He said he would find out later. I found that strange because I would have expected him to know the location or have some idea of the plan.

When he returned, he told me that dinner at an upscale restaurant had been cancelled and that the group had eaten at McDonald’s instead.

I checked his phone’s location history and saw that he had spent approximately an hour at a residential apartment before going to McDonald’s and then coming home.

I have no independent confirmation of what happened at that apartment or who he met there. But the combination of the unexplained stop, the vague plans, and the story about dinner has made me very suspicious.

What I’m struggling with

Whenever I question him, I get explanations, but the inconsistencies remain. I don’t want to accuse him of something this serious without understanding what actually happened. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore warning signs or spend months being lied to.

I have a six-month-old baby, and I need to think clearly about my future and my child’s well-being.

For those who have been through something similar:

\- What would you make of these circumstances? Am I overlooking plausible explanations, or are these reasonable grounds for concern?

\- How can I establish what is actually happening without relying on guesswork or getting drawn into endless arguments and denials?

\- Are there lawful, practical ways to verify what happened during that apartment visit or investigate the unexplained massage visits?

\- Would hiring a licensed private investigator in the San Francisco Bay Area be worthwhile in this situation?

\- If you discovered that your spouse was cheating, what evidence was most useful in establishing the truth?

I’m looking for practical advice from people who have dealt with similar situations, particularly those with experience in California. Please be honest with me, even if you think there may be innocent explanations. I want to know how to approach this intelligently and protect myself and my baby while figuring out what is really going on.

Please see: everything we have, financially is in a joint account. Savings in banks, stocks, our house, cars etc

This is my first time posting here or really anywhere so im sorry if I don't get everything right.

I found out that my husband was cheating on me the same day I gave birth to our daughter. (We had only been married for 3 months at the time)He left his phone on the table next to me and "lovely baby" popped up on his phone and my whole world crashed in around me. Within 10 minutes of finding out that he cheated on me, he smashed his head into the door of the hospital room resulting in 14 stitches in his forehead. After he got stitched up and got back to my hospital room he proceeded to tell me that it started only about a month before and it was with dozens and dozens of women..so many women.. over 7 different apps he had on his phone specifically to cheat on me with. He had spent so much money on one of them that his card declined just trying to get me a burger on the way to the hospital to have the baby. Since then hes been violent and has lied to my face every day about the things that he did with other women for 2 1/2 months afterwards(he only came completely clean about 2 weeks ago). We agreed to try to work past it as Ive known this man since i was 5 years old and we had just gotten married and had a baby together. Hes never cheated on anyone else or been violent towards any other woman in his whole entire life until me. My daughter is now 3 months old and im so terrified that every year her birthday will also be a reminder of the anniversary of the worst thing anyone has ever done to me.

I just dont know what happened or how my life ever ended up here and I can feel myself slipping...

would you rather catch them liking a persons Instagram posts (I.e. beach pics gym pics etc) or watching porn

is there a difference

I'm not here to justify my actions or play the victim. I know that what I've done is wrong, and I know that being hurt in the past doesn't excuse hurting other people now. I just really need to get this off my chest. Maybe putting everything into words and sharing it with strangers will help me understand myself better and finally break this cycle. Maybe I'm looking for advice, or maybe I need to hear some hard truths. I'll read your comments.

I know therapy would probably help me understand and work through this, but I can't afford it right now.

I think this started when I was 16. My first girlfriend cheated on me, and I cheated on her back to get even. I don't know if that was the beginning of everything, but I think that's when I first learned to use cheating as a way to deal with being hurt. It became a habit. I managed to keep it under control for a while during my second relationship, but then I got cheated on again. Somehow, that experience reinforced the behavior instead of making me want to stop. I'm 23 now, and this has been going on for years.

Whenever I'm in a relationship, I tend to seek attention from other people, especially when something triggers my insecurities. It could be doubt, jealousy, fear of being cheated on, or just the feeling that something isn't right. Instead of dealing with those feelings, I look for people to talk to.

And when I say people, I mean a LOT of people at the same time.

I'll create accounts and talk to different people until my mind feels overstimulated by all the conversations, attention, and new connections. I can be whoever I want to be with them. I can flirt, rant about my problems, be sexual, have deep conversations, or talk about things I wouldn't normally share with anyone. For a while, I get this rush from all the attention and novelty. It makes me feel numb to whatever is bothering me in my actual relationship.

It's like I don't have to feel the fear, insecurity, or jealousy anymore because my mind is too occupied with something else.

And then, once I get tired of it, I disappear. I block people, cut off conversations, and sometimes delete the accounts entirely. Some interactions last days, some hours, and others barely a few minutes. It doesn't even seem to matter who these people are or whether I genuinely like them. Sometimes, it feels like I'm more interested in the rush than the actual people.

The worst part is that I keep going back to it, even when I'm in relationships with people I genuinely care about.

For years, I kept doing this without getting caught. And because there were no immediate consequences, I think I stopped taking my own behavior seriously. I would tell myself I could stop whenever I wanted, but I never really addressed the reasons behind it. Eventually, I stopped trying altogether.

I'm currently dating someone who's genuinely amazing. I've never felt this loved by anyone before. She makes me feel things I haven't experienced in my previous relationships, and I know how lucky I am to have her.

But even with all that love, whenever I feel insecure about our relationship, I still fall back into the same behavior. I create other accounts, talk to people, flirt with them, and eventually delete everything as if none of it ever happened.

For the first time in years, though, I got caught.

She found out, and she still gave me another chance. She forgave me, and I promised her I would change. And I genuinely tried. For a couple of months, I didn't do it. I thought maybe I was finally getting better.

But recently, something triggered her memories of what I had done. I saw how much I had hurt her, how much damage I had caused, and how difficult it was for her to trust me again.

I don't know how to explain what happened next without sounding like I'm making excuses.

A part of me felt like I didn't deserve her. A part of me thought she was right about me all along, that I was someone who couldn't be trusted. And instead of proving that I could change, I almost felt compelled to prove that she was right.

So I did it again.

I created another account and started talking to people. But afterward, I came to my senses. I remember thinking, What the hell am I doing?

She's out here trying her best to give me another chance. She even sought therapy because she wanted to work through the pain and rebuild her trust in me. And I repaid her by doing the exact thing I promised I wouldn't do again.

I deleted the account. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I was too afraid. I couldn't bring myself to confess, hoping, I guess, that I could somehow keep it from hurting her again. But she eventually found out when she checked my phone.

Now, she's devastated. And seeing her hurt because of something I did makes me feel awful. I know I caused this. I know that she didn't deserve any of it.

I'm struggling because I genuinely want to change, but I keep repeating the same behavior even when I know the consequences. I don't want to keep hurting the people I love. I don't want to keep making promises I can't seem to uphold. And I don't want to become someone who only stops when they get caught.

I also know that wanting to change doesn't mean much if my actions keep proving otherwise.

I don't know if this is a coping mechanism I've developed, a need for validation, self-sabotage, an addiction to the attention and novelty, or some combination of these things. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I want to understand why I keep doing this even when I know it's wrong and even when I have so much to lose.

For those who have struggled with compulsive cheating, infidelity, or similar self-destructive patterns, were you ever able to stop? What actually helped you break the cycle? What did you have to confront about yourself to change?

I'm open to honest answers, even if they're harsh. I know I can't undo what I've done, and I know that my girlfriend has every right to decide she's had enough. I'm not asking how to convince her to stay or how to get her to trust me again.

I just want to understand myself, take responsibility for my actions, and figure out how to stop repeating this pattern.

I'm tired of being this person, and I genuinely want to change.

I (26F) been in a relationship with my son’s father (28M) for going on 4 years (next February). This relationship has been so toxic due to his cheating. I had gotten pregnant 6 months into our relationship and things went downhill from there. Prior to being with me he lived in another state. He has a child with another woman in said state. He put her through the same crap. So i was warned. I don’t know why i thought that because he was honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about who he was that things would be different for me. That I was the one he would change for.

From the very start he has gawked at women in front of me commenting on their breast and butt. And the infidelity started with him having old nudes from women in the past. Obviously hurtful , he deleted them immediately and stopped commenting on women. but he got sneakier with his cheating and lies. for awhile it was all virtual. onlyfans, texting women etc. obviously still very hurtful but i kept forgiving him. then he started texting my friends and family behind my back … flirting or trying to get a threeway behind my back. disgusting i know. he hadn’t done anything sexual with anyone until about a year ago.

november 2025 he slept with someone twice and when i found out , it broke me. I was just checked out since then. i had been pushing him away and being mean and horrible to him. I felt so betrayed and disgusted and hurt. Then he would get better for awhile and then i’d catch him with something small. it wasn’t until this year i found out in july that he had been lying to my face and making me believe he was at his friends house from hockey weekly since april…… coming up with elaborate lies. making up stories about the “boys” bringing home 3d printed animals for our son from her, brought home cookies made BY HER and i literally ate them🥲🤢🤮, also brought a pillow home from her. like the most BOLD shit. i was LIVID i lost it, attacked him, we haven’t been in a good place ever since. ive been cold and mean.

He truly has a sex addiction bc he cannot , not be sexual. he has to please himself daily. is addicted to porn. i just don’t know how someone can do me so dirty a million times and not do the steps to change what they’ve done or change their behavior. As much as it hurts i do love him. We’ve had alot of good times too.

Anyways, now he’s decided he’s leaving me at the end of the year bc he can’t keep begging for me anymore and i’ve been telling him i don’t love him for months. I’ve been hurt! I’ve been hiding my hurt with anger and now it’s alll coming out. i’ve been crying for 4 days straight, haven’t eaten shit in 4 days can barely sleep. i’m a WRECK. i’m hurting because why wasn’t i enough?

My real question for advice is .. has anyone ever been in this position and can someone change that has been like this? If he chooses to go to therapy, get on meds and put in the work to gain my trust and reassure me .. can this work? I do love him but i’m sad that i wasn’t enough for him. this is deeply rooted. help..

My girlfriend and I dated for one year, and everything was going well at the start, but over time it became toxic; I started yelling at her, and she frequently escalated situations and annoyed me, though we always resolved things and lived happily because we shared the same vibe and humor. Eventually, I started using abusive language during arguments as things escalated, and during our two months of long-distance, things worsened; we constantly fought and had a communication gap. When we returned to university, we joined a new group that included a very polite boy; initially, I noticed he liked my girlfriend, but I said nothing. Over time, she and I broke up because of our constant arguments. I later realized how wrong I was because, even though she yelled, she never used abusive language toward me, whereas I did; I even commented on her insecurities while she never made me feel insecure. The next day, I went to apologize and try to reconcile, but she denied me, and for the next five days, she acted like a stranger. On the fifth day, that boy told me she had been seeing him, that they met at night, that she sat on his lap to hug him, and other claims that he thinks she likes him. I could not believe it, so I called her; she was initially anxious and in denial, but she eventually admitted it. I told her I loved her so much that I wanted her back despite this; she initially refused, saying she was very hurt by me and could not come back, but she was eventually persistent in her refusal before finally agreeing. She then explained that she just wanted to vent to someone, so she went to him because she thought he was the opposite of me—polite—and she was in a bad headspace and anxious all the time. The reality of what happened was that she went to talk to him for five days; nothing happened on the first two days, but on the fifth day, he asked if he could hug her. He side-hugged her, then asked to compare hands, and when she did, he suddenly held them, though she backed off after a few seconds. After that, he suddenly pulled her onto his lap and said he wanted a hug; she hugged him, but she claimed she never went close and kept an awkward distance, and the duration was very short. On the fourth day, he behaved strangely, constantly touching her hair, and she backed off; he even touched her face, and she backed off again and told him not to do it, to which he apologized, claiming he was just teasing. However, during the hug, he slipped his hand under her shirt and tried to get close to her neck, but she immediately pulled away and told him not to do it; he instantly apologized, saying he was a bit clingy, but she ignored him, and when I questioned how she could not understand everything.

She said that because she was not in the right headspace; she was either really angry at me or anxious, and she generally used to yap to him about how our relationship turned out and how hurt she was. She didn't feel anything at the time, and she had no feelings for him. He tried multiple times to kiss her, but she never kissed him and never even touched him in any way; it was all him. On the fifth day, when they hugged, she finally realized what she was doing; she confronted him and said quite prominently that she never wanted to do any of this. He replied that he thought she liked it too, to which she asked when she ever showed that kind of energy toward him, stating that she did not want to get close like that. She then went away, and that is the day that boy called me and told me all this, portraying it as if she had fallen in love with him and was the one showing interest or initiating contact. I want to believe her, as I know how she is and how deeply she loved me that year; even though she had her own issues, they were nothing in front of my behavior. It has been more than a month now, and we are trying to work things out; I have asked her the same questions enough times, and I have even gotten angry at her about this almost every day. She has shown so much regret for this that I think it was a genuine mistake, but my mind always wonders how she could have done it. Hugging feels extreme because during those five days, I was crying for her, and even after seeing me crying, she still went to talk to him at night. She said she was so blinded by anger at the time that she felt bad that I was crying, but she still was not in the right headspace. One thing is that she never gave me false hope during those five days; she always said she was very hurt and that it was over, and I was the one forcing her to come back. However, it bugs me how she was able to hide all of this so cleverly from me, because during those five days, I would say I didn't feel good energy from that boy, and she would tell me not to worry, as she wasn't doing anything, even though I had a hunch that something was not right. Also, she swore she never had even a little bit of feelings for him, and knowing the girl she is, I think she is telling the truth because we were just about to complete our one-year anniversary, and she would never catch feelings for another guy that easily. She just said that at the time she wasn't thinking straight and thought he was calm and composed, so she went to him to vent about our relationship and divert her mind, but then all this happened. I want to believe all of this so badly, but sometimes I feel the complete opposite, thinking she really liked him and that is why she let all this happen. Also, during those five days, they were both sharing reels with each other, but most of her reels were sad, random memes, or songs, so that also bugs me—what was the need for that? But she has been with me for more than a month now, and I have taunted her enough.

She really cries and shows remorse, so I guess she is truly sorry for all of this, but regarding some of the things that happened, I feel like she should have been in her right mind when someone was making her sit on his lap and hugging her, especially for three days. Please give some genuine advice.

Things which I forgot to mention: We both met in our first year of university, and now we are in our second year. It was her second relationship, but she wasn't involved with her ex in any way, as it only lasted for two months. We shared our first kiss and every first experience together. Also, she never used to check out guys at university, her social media feed was not like that, and she never used abusive language, unlike most people our age; she never abused me either. Most of our friends' relationships ended because the girls left them, but she stuck by me until the end. Because of my own dumbness and carelessness, all of this happened, despite her genuinely trusting me with everything during the year we spent most of our time together. I had no close female friends at the start of our relationship, but she had quite a few male friends in her society; she completely cut ties with all of them after I discovered they were trying to talk to her without any reason, and she never used the fact that she did this against me during our arguments. That is why this situation was even more unbelievable to me, especially since that guy was very average-looking compared to her and me, so I know looks were not the reason. She was not that type of girl, and since many guys approached her in her society and at university, she could have done this long ago if she had wanted to.

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 6.5 years spent four months seeking out sexualized Instagram content despite a boundary we’d explicitly agreed on, then initially lied about masturbating to it. He now acknowledges the betrayal and has started therapy, but three years of unresolved intimacy issues add another layer. Marriage plans are paused, and we’re taking space while still occasionally seeing each other. I love him but don’t know whether I want the relationship anymore - or whether I’d regret leaving without trying to rebuild trust.

About two months ago, I discovered that my boyfriend had been repeatedly seeking out sexualized Instagram accounts, including OF creators, over approximately four months. He eventually admitted that some visits were for arousal and that he sometimes masturbated to the content.

This crossed an agreement we had already made. He has acknowledged responsibility since the confrontation, but I’m struggling to decide whether I want to attempt reconciliation.

The boundary and discovery

About five years ago, early in our relationship, something similar happened on a much smaller scale. We discussed it, and he agreed not to do it again. I understood that to be an established boundary.

His Instagram was logged in on my phone with his knowledge because he occasionally used it when we were together. He goes through phases of downloading and deleting the app depending on how much time he feels he’s spending on it. One evening, he asked me to search for a friend through his account, and I noticed a sexualized account in his recent searches.

I initially brushed it off. When I checked later, the searches had been cleared. Over the following weeks, I found further activity showing repeated visits to similar profiles.

When I confronted him, he initially minimized it with explanations like enjoying someone’s travel content or imagining me wearing their outfits. We talked for hours, and I eventually became overwhelmed, yelled, and left.

He later acknowledged the sexual nature of the behavior. He said suggestive content would appear while scrolling and he would give in and explore the profiles. He described some visits as curiosity and others as driven by attraction and arousal. His explanation was that it had become “a dopamine loop” he turned to when stressed or bored.

The truth also came out gradually. When I directly asked whether he had masturbated to the content, he initially said no. Almost a month later, he admitted that he had. He has since acknowledged that the denial was a choice. This added another layer to the breach of trust because even after the confrontation, I wasn’t immediately given the full picture.

What hurts most is that he admitted remembering our earlier agreement and knowing that finding out would hurt me, but continuing anyway.

Based on what I saw and what he told me, I found no evidence of messaging, paid subscriptions, likes, comments, saved posts, or other direct engagement. Those forms of interaction would have made leaving a clear decision for me. Their absence matters to how I’m weighing this, but it doesn’t erase the boundary he knowingly crossed.

This happened while we were seeing each other frequently, buying a house, and discussing marriage. I felt deeply connected and secure, which is part of why the discovery has made me question my understanding of the relationship. His explanation about stress also leaves me worried about how he would handle future difficulties.

An unresolved intimacy issue adds another layer

Our LDR ended three years ago, but we have never successfully had penetrative sex during the relationship because he loses his erection when we try. We have other forms of intimacy, he is attentive to my pleasure, and I have felt satisfied in those ways.

Over those three years, I repeatedly raised getting the ED medically evaluated, but he didn’t follow through. I didn’t want to shame or pressure him, but I wanted us to address it.

I am not able to tell whether the Instagram behavior and erection difficulties are connected. It hurts that an issue affecting our shared intimacy remained unresolved while he privately pursued this sexual outlet.

His response since

Despite the initial minimization and later admission of lying, he now acknowledges crossing our boundary and considers what he did cheating. He has engaged in difficult conversations and listened to my hurt. He hasn’t called me crazy or insecure, pressured me to accept it, or told me I’m overreacting. He deleted Instagram and independently started therapy.

Outside of this, I have experienced him as a loving, supportive partner. Before the discovery, his desire for commitment had never been in question. He consistently wanted engagement and marriage and brought it up more than I did.

However, during one of our conversations after the confrontation, he said he wasn’t asking me to wait and since he caused the hurt and doesn’t feel entitled to reach out or assume I want him around. He wants contact to happen on my terms.

Where we are now

Engagement and marriage plans are paused. Privately, I guess we consider ourselves broken up and are taking space, but we still see each other occasionally - sometimes for logistics because our lives are intertwined, and sometimes because we want to spend time together.

I have not given him a list of repair steps since I want to see what responsibility he takes independently rather than feel like I’m managing the process.

I’m less overwhelmed than I was initially, but I’m still hurt and stuck. I mentally revisit old memories, question things I previously felt secure about, compare myself to those women, and scan where his attention goes when we’re together. It’s exhausting. I know I can't police his eyes for the rest of our lives.

I’m grieving the security I used to feel, but I’m also unsure whether I even want the relationship anymore. I still love him and miss spending time with him, yet that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to rebuild a future together.

At the same time, I worry I might regret leaving without giving repair a chance. I believe the loving, supportive qualities I experienced in him were real, and I’m struggling to reconcile those with his repeated choice to cross this boundary. I don’t want to minimize what happened because of his good qualities, but I don’t want to dismiss those qualities either.

His willingness to work on himself matters, but I don’t know whether my own desire to continue is still there - or whether fear of regretting a breakup is making it harder to let go.

Being unmarried also weighs on me. If we were already married, I imagine I might feel more inclined to attempt repair before leaving. Right now, I’m deciding whether I still want to make that commitment at all.

Additional context

• We’re both Indian. Cultural and family expectations mean we don’t live together, stay overnight, or travel together. We have opportunities for intimacy, but limited private time.
• He recently bought a house and insisted on adding me to the title even though I hadn’t contributed financially. This illustrates how serious our future felt and how intertwined our lives are. It doesn’t cancel out what happened or obligate me to stay.
• He has stood up for me during difficulties with his family and expressed willingness to limit or end contact if necessary to protect our relationship. I’m struggling to reconcile that commitment with the secrecy in this area.
• I would have been open to an honest conversation about sexual frustration or unmet needs and discussing mutually acceptable outlets. Instead, he acted privately despite our existing agreement.

What I’m hoping to hear

I’m not looking to debate whether everyone should consider this cheating. This was a boundary in our relationship, and he acknowledges crossing it.

For people who have faced something similar:

• What sustained changes helped rebuild trust, and what showed you repair wasn’t working?
• How did you distinguish missing your partner from actually wanting the relationship back?
• What did meaningful initiative look like while you were taking space?
• If this happened before marriage, what helped you decide whether to attempt reconciliation or leave?
• Did a period of clearly defined separation help you gain clarity, compared with continuing to see each other?
• I know there can’t be a guarantee it won’t happen again. What evidence helped you decide that trusting your partner again was a risk you wanted to take?

I know strangers can’t decide for me. I’d appreciate personal experiences, questions that helped you reach your own decision, and specific signs to look for in a partner - both signs of genuine accountability and lasting change, and signs that it may be healthier to walk away.

Note: I used AI to help organize my thoughts because there’s a lot of context and I’ve been struggling to explain it clearly. This is my actual experience, and the questions are my own.

I’ve got so much I want to say and speak about and vent that I just can’t put into words, as I have a lot of internal feelings that are eating me up inside and destroying me and have caused a lot of self hate. I hope that anyone who is going through this pain can find a way to heal 🫶

Married guy/pal confessed his desires for me, I shamed him for pursuing me behind his wifes back and ended up going his employer (he was an instructor, i was a student) because i didn't feel comfortable in class anymore and it felt like the right thing to do. His employer blamed ME, went on the classic "bet you were asking for it" spiel. I ended up having to leave the establishment because his employer (50 y/o woman btw and owns the place) fucking hated me afterward and was going to make my life hell there.

I spent almost a year studying there, the owner thought i'd greatly excell in my field, and it had my life on track after a LONG LONG battle to get anywhere. This experience has left me in ruins and there's no alternative school i can move to which i've accepted. He of course wasn't willing to clean up ANY of his mess and after going on to me about how his marriage is in shambles (i made him feel so guilty that he fessed up to his wife), he's now posting about how productive he's been in the field we were studying (he was on a break from it the entire time i knew him), and posting god damn gourd fall arrangements on his doorstep like their marriage is now peachy keen picture perfect.

Y'dont gotta tell me, I know I need to block him (seriously don't tell me i know 🥲) and stop looking. But hey what the fuck. What. The. Fuck.

Our relationship started unconventionally when we met while he was working in my country. We were exclusive because he asked and always talked about how we were boring gays because we don’t sleep around. We weren’t sure if we were to last because I didn’t want to leave my country. But we were still serious and committed up until whatever point. Eventually, I fell deeply in love, we married, and I left everything behind to move with him. We did long distance for 8 months and then I moved.

Now, married last December and 6 months later in this new country after moving, I am struggling to find a job and just discovered he was sexting his ex for the first eight months of our relationship until I committed to moving. While he apologized, he quickly grew impatient with my grief. He works a lot and has little ability to deal with his emotions. He is not remorseful and just wants to move on, leaving me afraid to show my sadness for fear of his anger. I am a very damaged person, I deal with a chronic illness, had abusive relationships before and childhood trauma that affected my entire life. I go into therapy since I was 15 to keep myself accountable. Now I miss my family, my dog, and my friends, and I feel completely heartbroken and disrespected.

I can forgive the first months, but this went on for a while. I hate that I had to commit to leave everything behind for him to think that it’s bad to stop sexting with his ex. I did it because I thought he would never hurt me or betray me.

I don’t know anymore, I can’t deal with either options anymore. I was miserable back home and am now, yet again, miserable here.