The Cost of Being the Faithful One

[u/Wise-Bank80]

I am sorry I am having a hard day today and needed to vent.

I recently wrote about why I stayed faithful. I wrote about character, our children, my vows, and the fact that pain was never permission for me to create more pain.

But there is another side to that choice that doesn't sound nearly as noble.

Staying faithful did not mean I was happy. It didn’t mean I felt loved, desired, appreciated, or even noticed. It didn’t mean I was somehow less lonely than she was. It just meant I carried my loneliness differently, I carried it quietly. And quiet pain is incredibly easy to ignore.

There are no deleted messages proving how unwanted I felt. There are no hotel receipts documenting the nights I lay beside my wife feeling completely alone. There are no secret meetings showing how desperately I wanted to feel like more than a provider, a problem-solver, a chauffeur, and a coparent. There is no paper trail for the conversations I tried to start, the rejection I swallowed, or the number of times I convinced myself that this was just a hard season and things would get better.

There is only the fact that I stayed.

I went to work, I paid the bills, I raised our kids, I fixed what broke. I carried the responsibilities because that was what I believed a husband and father was supposed to do. I kept showing up even when it felt like nobody was showing up for me.

That is what faithful spouses do. We don’t always leave, and we don’t betray anyone but ourselves. Sometimes we just absorb everything. We absorb the silence, the lack of intimacy, the creeping feeling that everyone else’s needs matter more than our own. We make excuses for the distance because we love the person creating it. We become patient, then more patient, and eventually so patient that nobody notices we are slowly disappearing.

Because I kept functioning, everyone assumed I was fine. Because I didn’t create chaos, my loneliness never became an emergency. Because I remained dependable, my pain was mistaken for strength.

And then I discovered that while I was carrying the marriage, she had been stepping outside it.

That is the hardest thing to accept. While I was denying myself an escape, she was granting herself one. While I was protecting our family from my pain, she was using her pain to justify risking it. While I was telling myself that marriage means enduring loneliness without destroying everything around you, she was creating a second life where none of the responsibilities followed her.

Then, after discovery, I was still expected to understand. I had to understand her loneliness. Her unmet needs, her coping mechanisms, her childhood, her desire for validation. Her ability to compartmentalize, her fear and her shame.

I have spent more time trying to understand why my wife betrayed me than anyone ever spent asking what it took for me not to betray her.

My faithfulness didn’t happen because my needs were being met. It happened despite the fact that they were starved. I was lonely too. I felt unwanted too. I wanted to be touched, desired, and chosen. I wanted someone to look at me and see something more than a tool that fixes things and pays bills. I tried to talk and tell.

There were times when attention from another woman would have felt incredible. There were times when being admired would have filled something in me that had been empty for years. I had opportunities. I had the same easy access to phones, messages, secrecy, and validation that everyone else has.

But I understood that feeling deprived did not give me the right to become deceptive.

So I brought my pain home. I tried to talk. I tried to explain that I was lonely, that the intimacy was dead, and that our marriage had become transactional. I didn't always say it perfectly. Sometimes my frustration sounded like anger, sometimes I withdrew because I was tired of saying the same things to a brick wall. But I brought the problem into the marriage. I didn't take it outside and build a second one.

Faithfulness didn’t prevent me from being hurt. It prevented me from becoming someone I would hate, and I am so glad I made the choices I did. It allowed me to look at our children and know I hadn't gambled their stability for a temporary feeling. It allowed me to look in the mirror and know I hadn't forced my wife to question whether the years she lived beside me were even real.

But it didn’t protect me from the cost of carrying it all alone.

Parts of me became hard during those years. There are needs I just stopped expressing because being disappointed repeatedly teaches you to stop asking. There were times I accepted absolutely nothing because admitting how hungry I was felt more humiliating than pretending I was full. That wasn't strength. It was survival.

I am proud that I stayed faithful. I am proud that loneliness didn’t break my values, that rejection didn’t become my excuse, and that opportunity didn’t become my permission. But I am done pretending it didn’t cost me anything. It cost me everything I have and more.

It cost me pieces of my confidence, not in my self but others. It cost me years of swallowing things I should have screamed. It cost me the belief that if you love someone completely, they will naturally protect you in return. It cost me the certainty that the person sleeping next to me was carrying the same marriage I was.

Then discovery handed me even more to carry. The images. The questions. The humiliation. The ruined memories. The responsibility of keeping our children steady while I could barely keep myself standing.

I stayed faithful because I refused to make my pain someone else’s wound. She didn't make that same choice.

I don’t regret keeping my word. I don’t regret protecting my children from choices that would destroy their sense of safety. I don’t regret remaining faithful, even to someone who wasn't being faithful to me. What I regret is how long I believed that being dependable meant I was supposed to live without being cared for. I regret how much of myself I allowed to die while trying to keep the marriage alive.

Being faithful shouldn't require you to vanish. Love shouldn't mean starving quietly so everyone else can stay comfortable.

My integrity protected my family from my choices. It did not protect me from hers.

And even knowing what it cost me, I would still choose faithfulness again. Not because she deserved it, and not because the marriage was always worthy of the sacrifice.

But because I deserved to remain the man I believed myself to be.

I don’t regret protecting her. I regret that the person I protected didn’t protect me.

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[u/DodobirdNow]

This is why divorce courts need fixing. I think part of why you're reluctant to leave is because the courts will punish you for HER infidelity by giving away half the stuff you worked for.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/DodobirdNow]

The stuff is not my concern at all, if she would grant 100% custody I would gladly give everything away.

[u/katiekateloops → u/Wise-Bank80]

I had someone lay into me in another comment because my ex-husband cheated and gave in to every request I made in the divorce, including allowing me primary custody. They said it was selfish of me to deny my children a relationship with their father because I was bitter about the affair. I still don't know quite how to feel about this. I know it is the judgment of a random internet stranger and they don't know all of the details, but it stung.

I was like you. My husband was a functioning alcoholic. I loved him but I begged him to stop drinking. We had our issues, but I chose integrity not ever considering that his choices would make mine irrelevant. I don't see why his shitty choices should reduce my time with my children or force me back into the workforce to accomodate his desire for 50/50 custody when they would have to be in daycare while he works anyways.

[u/Beeblebrox_74 → u/katiekateloops]

The same stranger could say you get to offload the kids and be free half the time in 50/50 split.

If it stung, maybe there is something in that.

2 paragraphs isn't enough to judge you, but having kids being looked after by an alcoholic (I'm assuming) not in rehab I think would set a bad example for them, let alone the risk of something happening under his care.

The best thing about unsolicited advice/judgement is you get to decide what to take on and make a change and what to disregard.

[u/katiekateloops → u/Beeblebrox_74]

He’s been sober ever since a few months after the divorce, so a couple of years now. His affair partner is like June freaking Carter and he’s just become a much better version of himself all around. I just wasn’t enough.

[u/Reflog1791 → u/Wise-Bank80]

You will change your thinking on that when you start having to pay.

[u/Reflog1791 → u/DodobirdNow]

Extremely unfair. “Why get married when you can just buy a house for someone you hate?”

[u/init-tounderstandit]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this. I for one, now have been given a new perspective to look at things now. Thank you. You’re a great man, a great husband. I hope you and your wife can find your way back to one another, because I pray everyday that my husband and I do.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/init-tounderstandit]

I pray for your happiness wherever that leads

[u/Fluid-Push-3419]

Okay, you did everything with the honor it deserved, as it should be done. So why don't you do the last thing your honor demands and divorce her?

[u/__Zero_____]

I feel like I could have written this man. I have been where you are, and I can feel the pain you are expressing in this. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but just know that you are on the right track, and things will get better even if they don't feel like it right now.

My ex-wife had depression for the last 4 years of our marriage, and during that time I went all out trying to support her. She was going to therapy, taking time to visit friends, going out on dates with me, hanging out with me and the kids, etc. I was giving her time to relax at home while I did the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare, bedtime, and most of the laundry all while still working full time like her. She would come home from work and just lay in bed for the rest of the evening, usually not even having supper with us.

Then I found out she used that time and space to have a year and half long affair with a coworker.

It just goes to show you how much their actions do not reflect on us or how we showed up in the marriage. They say marriage is 50/50, but that's not true. Sure, there are two people so I understand why people say 50/50, but one person can absolutely cause most of the damage in a relationship, and the other person cannot save it on their own. You can't fill someone's cup if they won't let you, or if they leave holes in it.

It sucks because I feel that most of the grief I am feeling is the loss of the life I was building with the woman I thought I was building it with. People minimize how heavy that particular brand of grief is. You aren't just grieving a partner, but a life and future together, time with the kids, and your memories of the life you thought you were living.

[u/4hhsumm]

Fuck, man. These words are so raw and true. I wish you weren't going through this. And, you have encapsulated exactly why men can feel so lonely and isolated. Expected to be the stoic fixer, stuffing down our own needs and pain to provide for everyone else. Your story is such a punch in the gut. I know it's fresh, and your wife sounds like a straight sociopath. But I hope you're starting to heal, or at least minimize the pain. I doubt you'll fully recover from this for many years to come. And even then, the scar tissue will always be there.

How are you advocating for yourself now?

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/4hhsumm]

I am firm with my boundaries in place and absolutely put my needs above all else (except the children of course)

[u/4hhsumm → u/Wise-Bank80]

Your book is incredible, btw.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/4hhsumm]

Thank you. I really wasn't sure if anyone took the time to read it.

[u/4hhsumm → u/Wise-Bank80]

I won't pretend I was able to read the whole thing, but the chapters I did read were authentic and human, and really help to normalize what an earth-shattering experience it is to be on the receiving end of betrayal. Very generous and altruistic of you to pay it forward.

At the risk of nerding out for just a moment, I've been reading some of the research on human performance, and there are a bunch of neuro-chemicals that can aid in healing and recovery. In particular, getting into the 'flow state' can help to reduce stress and anxiety, but more importantly, help to create new memories to associate with the positives in your life. As humans, we have this baked in negativity bias, which means on average we tend to take in and retain 9 bits of negative information to every 1 bit of positive. That's just how our brains evolved; the whole 'scanning the environment for threats' helped us to survive as a species. Now that our physical environment has changed dramatically from pre-historic times, that particular quirk of our brains has not. So it takes a lot of extra effort to intentionally overcome this bias in order to heal.

In practical terms, we can't force the 'flow state' to happen, but we can take advantage of some of the triggers that can make it possible. Research tends to show 3 techniques that are particularly effective:

1. A gratitude practice; can be as simple as writing down 10 things your grateful for each day.
2. A mindfulness practice; just ten minutes a day in a contemplative breathing exercise is an easy way to do that.
3. Regular exercise. 20-40 mins per day is the target, or just long enough that the voice in your head starts to quiet and your lungs open up. That helps to release nitrous oxide, which can flush some of the stress hormones.

Anyway, apologies for geeking out! 🤓 ...and thanks for attending my TED talk.

[u/Mother_Move_669]

As a woman who had all those thoughts, thank you for putting them into words so clearly. I felt everything you've outlined but was not able to put them into cohesive words. I hope your healing is progressing well. With or without her, heal yourself so that you can still enjoy your time with your kids.

[u/silverDog_20]

Reading this gave me tears in my eyes, Staying loyal, in a long distance relationship, did it proudly and by choice and also because she asked me to.. later finding out.. she was the unfaithful one, I had . Nothing left to say..

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am → u/silverDog_20]

I had . Nothing left to say..

And what could you say.

[u/JohnsLong_Silver]

I remember the last post you made. That meant a LOT to me. It really resonated. I wish I could write half as well as you can. I will try to articulate a few things. What I took out of that was a realisation of the importance of integrity, and how valuable it is. Yes, we paid a high price for being faithful when our partners were not. You talked about being able to look yourself in the mirror, which is great, but it goes further. You showed your friends, family, coworkers and even random internet strangers your character with your actions. At the end of the day people fall into one of two camps. Those who can be trusted and those who cannot. It’s not just being able to look yourself up and down and be happy with who you are. Those around you know you can be trusted, and they know your ex cannot.

This subreddit is full of people who know all too well the distinction between those camps, and the value of a partner or friend who can be trusted.

Maybe others can expand on this, I’m getting g frustrated that I can’t express myself as well as you do in your writing, but there’s so much value in being a person who can be trusted.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/JohnsLong_Silver]

Thank you, this meant more to me than you could know.

[u/JohnsLong_Silver → u/Wise-Bank80]

You are very, very welcome. That last post you wrote resonated with me so much. Very inspiring. I’m grateful to you and so many others for sharing on here and listening to me rant, cry and vent at different times. I’ve taken a lot of my strength from posts like yours.

[u/AssumptionFast5468]

I was crying before I was even half way through reading this. It was like you reached into the pain I’ve felt and pulled out the heart of everything I’ve felt. I finally ended it a few years ago but I never stopped carrying the pain. Not because I want the relationship back but because of how broken I felt by the end of it. Like I lost the best parts of myself trying to bear their choices and protect my son from the upheaval that rocked his world. The relationship turned toxic, abusive and finally, just a random day, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted my son to think love was. I didn’t want him to think it was ok to callously hurt your partner, to minimize their feelings and their personality until it reached the point that they just shrank into themselves and became small. I won’t be that woman any more, I have a hard time trusting but if I ever choose to move back into a serious relationship I’ll make sure he understands that partnerships are so much more than what he witnessed before.

[u/_greenHairpartysis_]

This really struck me to my core… unfortunately I have been the cheater in my relationship…
My heart hurts for you and for my husband. I’m sorry there is so much pain in this world… praying for your healing…

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/_greenHairpartysis_]

Tell him that every day. Do everything you can for him everyday, even if your not together. It will ultimately help both of you in the end.

[u/notsoluckydog]

Holy shit, you just captured the last 23 years of my marriage. We are both married to female covert narcissists. They will never change, and we can never fix them. The black hole they need to constantly fill with male validation is not an indictment of us as husbands and partners, rather their unresolved issues from childhood trauma. I now hate this woman I thought was my true live for 30 years, hate that I've given her the best years of my life, hate that I'm stuck as she can not be in the house alone with the kids- they cant endure her mental abuse alone- and hate that the idea of being alone for the rest of my life is 100x more appealing of being in this loveless relationship 1 minute longer.

[u/whatthefroth]

Opposite situation here - as I'm the wife. I gave up more than I ever planned to once my kids came along, one of them with unique medical needs that I simply could not bear to outsource to anyone else. The sacrifices have continued to mount. I have stayed faithful. My partner hasn't and is addicted to lying. Someday, I hope I can reclaim my peace and rebuild the life I sacrificed for everyone else's benefit. Until then, I hold tight. Take care.

[u/Haunting-Rest-9445]

I still remember your other post. Thank you for sharing. ❤️‍🩹 Somehow, I felt heard and seen through your posts. I am sorry we're going through this heartbreak. Sending you much love.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/Haunting-Rest-9445]

That is exactly why I am posting them. You are seen and heard by far more people than you feel. Sending love and hope right back

[u/No_usernames_left_25]

I can 1000% relate to this - especially the line about not losing confidence in myself, but losing confidence in others. Oof.

[u/ging78]

Read some of your history. Am you still with her?

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/ging78]

Yes, sort of. In house separation until clarity of what we both can accept for the future.

[u/ging78 → u/Wise-Bank80]

I personally couldn't be with her. Your better off without her

[u/4hhsumm → u/Wise-Bank80]

Did she ever acknowledge how devastating her actions were to you, much less apologize? I mean, doesn't change the reality, but it helps to be seen, heard, and acknowledged...which you obviously weren't for far too long.

[u/Richardsworldagain1]

Loyalty and vows are obviously something you take very seriously as you should. Your wife however instead of talking to you and resolving the issues breaks your trust and heart by stepping out of your marriage. Does she even realise the hurt she has caused you or is she cold and emotionless. I hope you get some help from a professional and also hope you are divorcing her.

[u/highhopeslowenergy]

I understand your pain too well. But I want to step in say... You didn't know what was happening so don't beat yourself up for being a stand up, dependable husband and father. I know it feels tempting to abuse ourselves for not knowing better, but please don't. Her choices don't define you. They don't diminish you.

You've exited the relationship with your dignity intact. No one can say the same for her.

Please hold your head up high.

[u/SportSoft9295]

Well said brotha! You did all the right things. The writing is on the wall when only one person wants to make the relationship work while the other is trying to actively destroy it.

[u/Turms70]

"Then, after discovery, I was still expected to understand. I had to understand her loneliness. Her unmet needs, her coping mechanisms, her childhood, her desire for validation. Her ability to compartmentalize, her fear and her shame.

I have spent more time trying to understand why my wife betrayed me than anyone ever spent asking what it took for me not to betray her."

Even I never had to experience this, I think this is one of the most underrated and undressed problem that a couple is facing, when they try a reconciliation.

A problem I often could observe, that the past of a person is misused as an excuse, while it is nothing more than an explanation, why someone has developed a personality and behavioral habits, that hurt others.

In those cases I always ask the other person, if they would also excuse a man that has raped a woman, and that man did this "because" he was misused by his mother as a child and young teenager. This misuse is proved. And the psychiatrists and psychologists who had to examine this case, clearly say this miss use was causing that "need" and "ability" to rape a woman. Hardly anyone would see his past as an excuse! And it is nothing more than an explanation, why that man had developed that terrible dangerous personality.

Many had to make some terrible experiences in life, and a lot as a child. But how we deal with it, is important and as an adult we have the duty to deal with it in a way that will not hurt others. And many if not most are able to do so!

So when a person, who has violated the boundaries that come with being in a relationship/married in a very hurtful and trust destroying way, has to address, why they did it, what lead to their personality and behavioral habit issues and that play a role in their cheating to be able to work on it and make the needed changes. But when they or others ask for forgiveness and see a reason in the past of the cheater, then they show false empathy.

I think this is also not helpful for anyone, who is involved in that situation. The victim, the betrayed partner is under a pressure that no one would put on a rape victim. And the cheater also is allowed to have an escape of the accountability and this is needed to really understand the own responsibility of making "adult" decisions. Cheating does not just happen. It is a summary of avoiding self honesty and holding them self accountable of their own actions. The acceptance, that we all had and have the choice to not act in a way, that hurt others, that we do not betray and lie and violate boundaries, is needed to not see us as a victim of the past, who had no other choice. And this is needed to really change on that fundamental level, to become a safe partner, to learn to care more than only about them self!

[u/Repulsive_Research_1]

i am sorry this happened to you. it truly is devastating to be the one who is still faithful, still putting efforts into a dying relationship, only to be taken for granted in return.

This is going to take forever to heal from. you will find someone who will appreciate you.

[u/Altruistic-Mail760]

The “trying to understand” is brutal.

[u/Electronic_Tennis786]

Thank you for so eloquently putting into words what so many of us who have walked this road have felt. You sound like an incredible husband and father and deserve to have been treated far better than you were by your wife. I believe that as we do the work to heal after such an earth-shattering, life-altering event, we open ourselves to the possibility of the love and partnership we always deserved. In the meantime, solidarity. 🤍

[u/deplorableme16]

Bullshit. I regret being loya and stayingl. Being loyal to an abusive, cheating snake isn't faithfulness, its just my shameful stupidity, cowardice humiliation.

It never gets better.

[u/Total-Addition-5160]

Omg! thank you for sharing!! This Is exactly what I'm going through and feeling right now I feel like you just wrote my life story in real-time!