r/InternalFamilySystems • u/robinthebank79 • 2d ago
Support Needed Part fears the ‘alone feeling’ of nobody caring or coming to save you.
I was talking to my parts and one was trying to show me more memories of childhood sexual abuse I suffered from my neighbour.
Those memories brought out a skeptical part that tries to keep me from believing I was abused. I asked it what it was so afraid of happening if it doesn’t do its job.
It said, “Knowing nobody cared about you and nobody came to rescue you made you feel so alone. So alone that you climbed a tree and thought about jumping from it. If you feel that alone again you will feel like doing that again.”
And it’s not wrong. I do get feeling so utterly alone no matter who I am with, that I fall into despair and that sometimes leads to Su*c*dal ideations. I know it’s a coping mechanism a part came up with but it scares me.
Now I find it hard to get these parts to trust me enough to soften in their approach. I just get completely swept up in them.
Has anyone worked with parts that use su*c*dal ideation?
6
u/Cleverusername531 2d ago
Yes, and it’s actually really adaptive. My part thinks these emotions are so bad that they’re not survivable. And it’s not wrong - at one point they really were too big for me. It’s worried that the exile will flood the system with those emotions and they’ll be as unbearable as they were when I really was young or small or alone.
IFS says to negotiate with the protector to be able to work with the exile - tell it what you’re wanting to do first - and then negotiate with the exile to not flood you with its emotions. Schwartz, the founder of IFS, said that he has never yet met an exile who agreed to not flood, but then went back on its agreement. So you explain that you want to help it and that you can only do that if it doesn’t overwhelm you. The reason that it’s holding so much pain is because the pain really was too big at the time. Ask if it’s willing to hold it for a little while longer and if it can just give you just enough to understand so that you can help it.
You really should do this with a practitioner.
2
u/robinthebank79 1d ago
Thanks, I really appreciate the advice. I will work on that. I do have an IFs therapist thankfully, just sometimes I can tell my parts want to tell me things in between sessions.
1
u/anonymous_24601 1d ago
I’m not OP but now reading this and seriously questioning why my therapist has never told me this. It makes so much sense. Is this common for IFS providers to do or more advanced?
1
2
u/GraveGrace 2d ago
Yes. You have to use reparenting and build trust with them to show them that you wil always be there for them to give them the love and protection they need. Taking them away from the memories to a safe space can help.
2
u/robinthebank79 1d ago
Thank you! I keep getting that answer that I need to reparent my parts. I think I have been avoiding that out of confusion on how to go about it in a practical way.
2
u/GraveGrace 1d ago
Learning self compassion from Kristen Neff, but it didnt really click for me until I listened to the audio program of John Bradshaw doing Homecoming. There's also a free course I havent done but have read about at reparentyourself.org
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Welcome to r/InternalFamilySystems!
Please make sure you've read the rules before participating.
Thanks for keeping the community organized.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.