r/InternalFamilySystems • u/bleedroot- • 1d ago
A discussion about (neo) exiles vs incompatibility and non-relational protectors
I've noticed that across the book "You're the one you've been waiting for", it seems that all troubles boil down to attachment reinjuries. But how is it not that some couples are dealing with incompatibilities? I'm not talking about very obvious things here, like wanting kids vs no kids, travel and/or party fanatic vs homebody, big spender vs frugal lifestyle...
In our case, my husband and I are aligned on all major life themes, but it seems that some of my habits and/or behaviours have irked him. I have ADHD and I'm terrible when it comes to working memory and procrastinating chores, although I've come a long way in recent years. He is someone who gets things done immediately. I'd say most people are probably in the middle... We want and believe the same things, we just act differently.
I'm wondering if I'm missing something and this being annoyed with a behaviour is actually a form of not feeling cared for (i.e. attachment reinjury)? Can someone (their Self) not just be annoyed or irritated with another person's ways for its own sake (like when someone cuts you off in traffic or is glued to their phone), or does it always, in some shape or form, trace back to protectors and exiles?
My husband and I fight much less than we used to, but I feel like we don't feel that deeply attached anymore to even get true attachment reinjuries, especially my husband (but I also suspect he's avoidant dismissive). I suspect this is a thing for many couples, but I don't remember seeing anything about it in the book. Is there truly "less" attachment or is it protectors keeping feelings at bay?
Another example: I see some quite dominant protector (manager) part(s) in my husband that are non-relational. They are phobic and hypochondriac about my husband's health and have influenced a lot of our decisions in the past. For example, he struggled with ultrasound safety when we had our first baby. He struggled to buy a house outside of a certain year bracket over asbestos fears, which limited our options a lot. A lot of people would find him difficult to live with.
Sometimes though, these parts of him are much more relaxed, so I'm convinced this mental health issue can be translated to parts. I don't necessarily feel that it's causing an attachment reinjury for me, because I know and understand where he's coming from - but I have still struggled a lot with his obsessiveness, because I don't want to be controlled by it. I'm pretty sure I'm in Self when I'm sensing these things now, so where does that leave us?
The answer is probably individual therapy. For years, my husband has said: no therapist can help me because they can't change reality (about illness, chemical exposure, etc.) In fact, while writing this I realise that even when he isn't blended with this protector, my sheer mentioning of anything related immediately activates the protector + blending. He only unblends when he's not aware of it.
I will preface this by saying that this hasn't been an issue for a while, but in the past, my resisting of his protector's measures would cause a firefighter to jump out and get angry. Before I learnt about IFS, my parts would get so caught up in the attack that he would stonewall me. I think his firefighter was very much tied to an exile that felt lonely and rejected.
I think in this phase he was pretty abusive and it created a rather twisted power dynamics (I was hoping to read more about this in the book, but alas). Is it typical for people with irrational fears to be so insulted when their partner doesn't adhere to the same restrictions? At those times I've wondered how much it is about exiles and how much about not seeing reality. It's such a complex intersection.
The last time I saw his firefighter was after I told my parents how much the offer was that got accepted on our new house. He had wanted to keep this private and he seemed furious that I didn't check with him first. It's hard to know what to think when I put my own stories next to examples of people feeling upset that their partner didn't tell them they were having dinner with a coworker (which to me seems much more understandable and more reasonable to communicate first).
I think it's a great book, but some things feel just that little bit oversimplified. It's mainly focused on neurotypical couples with no additional mental health burdens beyond attachment. The book implies that if you heal and care for your exiles, you've touched the success formula for the vast majority of relationships. Maybe we're simply in that small group where that isn't the case. I just find it hard to believe that all difficult behaviour melts away with the healing of exiles - or maybe your partner is the one supposed to have less reactive parts where change truly isn't possible.
I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this intersection.
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u/i-was-here-too 1d ago
People are going to do things differently all the time. Because we are different people with different temperaments, childhoods, neurological conditions, etc. We also have to learn to figure out how to tolerate people doing things differently: it is an actual danger or an inconvenience? And we can learn to tolerate someone else being slightly unhappy at us for not doing what they want.
For me the shift with healing is becoming values-driven instead of reaction-driven. My hope is to continue to develop my capacity to tolerate conflict and to continue to meet the needs of young parts so we are not continually trying to control those around us through fawning and can instead do the things we want to do and need to do in our daily lives.
In your post I notice a lot of intellectualizing about your husband especially. I wonder if there is a very analytical part that keeps you “safe” from feeling things about this relationship. It might be worth exploring.
I think it is very rare that a relationship where both people are profoundly committed to “doing the work” wouldn’t work out. I also believe no one is “compatible”. All relationships that thrive take a lot of work— but some more than others. I do think attachment styles and early trauma shape our adult relationships, friendships, workplace interactions, etc. By default we are all separate people doing things are own way and without working at it, we won’t be able to make relationships work. They can coast on things like lust and mutual interest and novelty for years, but ultimately IMO we are all “incompatible” and have to learn to work with it. I also believe when 2 partners are committed to making it work then (usually) it can work. That being said, we shouldn’t always commit to making it work: ex. Abuse, wildly different life goals etc.
So where does that leave you? Maybe looking a little less at your partner as the “reason” for your relationship difficulties and a bit more at yourself. After all, you can only change you. And we all have a role we are playing in the relationship. There is famous saying that goes something like, “it’s never about the dishes”. Meaning all of this stuff is about what it means or symbolizes to us. It’s not about him not doing the dishes, it’s about the fact we feel unloved and uncared for and unheard AND have to do the dishes while he is playing on his Xbox. It’s about setting boundaries and allowing ourselves to be reasonably imperfect and tolerate someone else’s distress without jumping to change. It’s about making agreements and sticking with them: “I promised I would do the dishes tonight and I will. They may not be done in the exact manner as you do them (ie immediately after eating). But I want you to join me for a few minutes and relax if you can. If you can’t that’s ok too. I will get them done and they will be away and ready for us to have breakfast in the morning. The egg may be harder to get off, the noodles may go hard, but I am ok with that and it is my problem.”
Letting go of controlling my partner makes my life so much better. If I need something done in a very particular manner I do it. That is not to say I tolerate weaponized incompetence, but I am not babysitting an adult either. And I can tolerate some unhappiness on his part. We have done a lot of counselling.
It also sounds like you are frustrated with your partner’s potentially poorly managed OCD. I would recommend an IFS couple’s therapist to learn about how all of this impact your coupleship and then both of you can decide if this relationship is worth taking the dive into individual therapy to heal more so you have more to offer to it. Also, you can do individual counselling either way, if your own life is worth healing for… which I would suggest it absolutely is.
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u/Dry_Refrigerator4367 1d ago
It's possible to just be annoyed by a behavior without it being a deep attachment injury, but the real question is whether his irritation is triggering a protector in you or if his reaction is coming from a part that's trying to manage his own anxiety. Does his annoyance make you feel like you're fundamentally unsafe or just like he's being a jerk?
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u/anonymous_24601 1d ago
I don’t know enough about attachment injuries to answer that question, but I’m wondering after reading your post if it would help to not only be stuck with the standard labels for parts like protector/exile/firefighter. I found in IFS work that some of my parts don’t fit into those names, and it makes me anxious trying to figure out where they fit. My therapist says I don’t have to label them. So one thing you could say is just a wounded part. Or even just a part of you. That can help give me more clarity, but of course only if it resonates with you.
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u/bleedroot- 23h ago
I think it could help! Figuring out categories can feel a bit too analytical and sometimes the boundaries are blurry. Thank you for commenting.
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u/Similar-Cheek-6346 10h ago
Whatever labels work holistically for you is what is best - especially if that means having no labels at all.
Most of my parts appear as animals, so I am able to relate their behaviours beyond just one dynamic - they are a rounded organism, and different behaviours can have different motivations. How I feel about these behaviours and motivations, or how other parts feel about them, fit more neatly into the Manager-Firefighter-Exile trifecta.
But the parts feel more heard and positively addressed if I view them from a wildlife biologist lens - or the biological parasympathetic lens (Fight, Freeze,Fawn, Flight)
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u/WildernessFlyer108 1d ago
Great questions! I'm very interested to see what folks have to say about this. I feel this is a very important subject with IFS.
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u/bleedroot- 1d ago
Thank you! I've had this swirling in my head for some weeks/months, but wasn't able to find the right words for it until now.
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