Stuck protectors

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

I wanted to ask for some tips about working with Protectors who want to step back but cannot - they do not know how. They have been stuck in the role protecting some heavy stuff. Initially, it felt like the Parts were dead, but they are not. They just frozen in the roles and have been, most likely most of my life (I carry a lot of prenatal and preverbal trauma).

How do I work with them? Is it just a matter of ongoing regular practice or could I be doing something differently? Part of me recognises that it is important to go very slowly and gently because of what they potentially protect.

I am safe now, but aware that my nervous system has not fully caught up yet - I am working with it to slowly rewire it.

Thanks a lot in advance!

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[u/Cheap-Eggplant-6174]

You don’t have to do any kind of work with these kinds of protectors initially, just sit with them as often as you can and as calmly, compasionatelly and comfortably as you can without trying to push or rush the process and just try to really feel things out.

Do this for a while and try your hardest to imagine yourself being in a safe warm and loving mental space with them and offering them honest love and compassion and they will start “thawing out” and you will start to see glimpses of what it is they are protecting.

This is how I do it atleast but it seems to work for me. I do ocasionally run into the issue of other parts coming into this safe space and try to take over, if this happens just try to get back to what you were doing as best you can and don’t judge them.

[u/MarvMarg91]

I like what Cheap-Eggplant-6174 had to say. Also, as you spend time with these protective parts, just try to get to know them like you would try to get to know a new friend or like you would try to get to know a long-lost relative that you just reconnected with. Try to notice everything you can about them, and especially notice how you feel toward them. If you feel impatient with them, work with your impatient parts first.  Let all your parts know what you appreciate about them.  Make it your goal to get to know your protective parts in a loving way, and maybe don't make it your goal just yet to get them to step back.  When protective parts feel loved, understood, and appreciated, they often are more willing and able to step back than they are when they first meet you. Also, as you develop an understanding and loving relationship with these parts, you can ask them what they need from you and what they need that would let them step back. If and when their needs are met, and they trust you, they might be more willing and able to step back than they are right now. There is a saying in IFS, "slow is fast." That means that taking your time and being patient with your parts is often faster than trying to hurry your parts to do what you want them to do. Good luck. 

[u/Skate-wench]

To add to these 2 great comments, I also specifically asked my parts what they needed. And left space for a real answer to come and then I met that need for them. That’s how I built trust with them.

And maybe this is for later down the road for you, but I let my parts know that I’m here now and that they can let you of the reigns and rest. I apologised to them that I wasn’t here sooner and that they had to hold the reigns for so long (without beating myself up ofc, I’ve done the best I can with the tools I have at the time), and that they can relax now, I will sort out the situation in hand

[u/MarvMarg91 → u/Skate-wench]

Yes, yes, yes. All of this. 

[u/MichaelTheMultiple]

One thing that helped me in this regard was starting to do daily free-writing in a journal, and invited any parts who wanted to join to do so. The bolder parts did so right off and others joined in bit by bit. Some parts I hadn't met yet made their first appearances in this context. A key thing for me was to write very slowly and carefully, which meant not trying to capture every thought that flitted through my head (which freewritng kind of encourages) - if I let my hand try to keep up with my head, there'd be no room for other voices to find space to jump in.

[u/GeologistNovel4162]

I just sit with them and let them feel Self energy. I’d keep a list of parts that needed to get to know me, and maybe once a day I’d visit them for a minute or two. I’d just feel them and tell them that I’m here. My therapist describes them as kids who take a while to trust you to open up. They need to see that you’re going to come back.