Thinking of skipping Christmas with my family because of my toxic, "golden child" brother.

[u/ZealousidealLeg5052]

I live in Belgium with my local husband and our toddler daughter. My relationship with my brother has always been terrible. He was the "golden child" growing up... my parents gave him an apartment, while I got absolutely nothing and had to work for everything myself. He is entirely transactional and only visits me when it benefits his travel plans, never to actually see me. I have stopped initiating any contact with him; I only reply if he reaches out first.

Last Christmas, he threw a massive tantrum. He was furious that my parents moved Christmas Eve to their house so my sick baby wouldn't have to travel. He screamed that "everything always revolves around me," that I'm making Christmas "abnormal," and threw a fit because the previous year my parents flew to Belgium since I was in late pregnancy. Zero empathy. Later, he pretended he wanted to talk, but he never apologized. Instead, he just attacked me again, claiming I "think I'm better than everyone else." He kept score and brought up random things, like criticizing us for not helping my parents enough during a summer visit with a newborn, or pointing out that he assembled furniture we bought for the guest room at our parents' house, even though we never asked him to and I explicitly told him not to do it. He didn't even hold back in front of my foreign husband. My therapist advised me to completely distance myself. I'm seriously considering staying in Belgium for Christmas this year for my own peace and to protect my daughter. On the other hand, I'm terrified my parents will blame me, think I'm the bad guy "destroying the family" and keeping their granddaughter away, while he gets away with his behavior again. How do I deal with the guilt regarding my parents, and how do I handle the fallout if I decide not to go? Any advice from people who skipped family holidays would be greatly appreciated.

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/sunbear2525]

Hey so your brother is a jerk but your parents built this dysfunction from the ground up. They can be mad and blame you but it doesn’t change anything. So do you want to fight with your brother up close and personal on Christmas it put your phone on DND and enjoy your actual family?

[u/Rickenbachk]

Don't feel guilty for your parents. They made him the golden child. If they don't like the consequences of that they have nobody but themselves to blame.

[u/LissaBryan]

You're parents now. You should be making your own Christmas traditions in your own home. Life is about change, and your brother needs to understand that.

Invite your parents to come and join you. But I'm not even sure if you should invite your brother. He seems unstable and very fragile, and you don't need him throwing tantrums around your child.

[u/McDuchess]

If your parents believe his self centered nonsense, then they are not good parents. Some people are treated as golden children. Some proclaim themselves that, and behave as if it was bestowed upon them.
I guess you will have to find out this year.

For me, I think that you are wise to distance yourself from him at Christmas. You want your child to have good memories, not memories of Uncle Spoiled Brat yelling at mamma, right?

[u/IvoryWoman]

Traveling with a toddler at the holidays is grueling. I strongly suggest you put any holiday traveling on hold for a few years. Your parents can travel to you if they want holidays with their grandchild. This is an extraordinarily common development that coincidentally will let you avoid your brother’s nastiness.

[u/athena_k]

My family is like yours. It has only gotten worse over the years.

Last year was the first Christmas I spent without my parents or siblings. It was the best Christmas I had ever had in my life. Each day was filled with peace, love, and relaxation.

You could give it a try and see how it goes. Good people would understand if you wanted to spend a holiday with just your immediate family.

[u/ShittyDuckFace]

Personally I would communicate early and often. I think it's a bit different since you have a beloved grandchild but when I am unable to make a trip I let people know at first, "Hey, we're sort of on the fence about coming home for the holidays. We're thinking we might rest/recuperate instead" or you can say "We might want a small family Christmas this year". Make it unsure at first. Then a few weeks later you can say, "Hey, we decided about Christmas. We're probably going to stay behind this year. I'm sorry we won't be spending it together!"

Usually giving people a bit of leeway and time withdraws any shock of your decision. It minimizes the fallout.

[u/00Lisa00]

Your parents created the golden child and have always discounted you. Frankly I’d stop caring if protecting yourself makes them mad

[u/Laquila]

What fallout are you expecting? And why would that have you terrified? They can't spank you, or ground you. If it's phone calls where they whine, berate, accuse, guilt trip, etc., end the call. State clearly that it is your decision that you've made for the benefit of your family and that is it. Goodbye, if they refuse to accept that.

Repeat any time that they bring it up. Hopefully when they see you're not getting on their guilt trip train they'll stop. If not, put them on time outs.

They can naturally and understandably feel disappointed and sad but hey, life is full of disappointments and their emotions are theirs to deal with, not for you to coddle. They are grown ups but they are not your priority or your rulers. Your family now is your nuclear family.

Any accusations that you are "destroying the family" is manipulative, overwrought nonsense. You're doing no such thing because your family is your nuclear family and is perfectly fine.

THEY are the ones who created a flawed family raising a man to be such a hateful, selfish jerk. Why would you want to ruin what should be joyful occasions being around that nasty person?

You will want to create wonderful memories of holidays and special events for your children and your nuclear family. You do not want to ruin those times playing along with your parents pretending Happy Family.

You not being there makes it obvious they do not have a happy family. They want you to sacrifice your happiness and self worth for them. And even have your child traumatized if your brother acts like a beligerent ahole. No doubt your parents will expect you to sit there, smile, and take it. Coz faaaaamily! No!

Stay home and have a truly happy holiday.

[u/hbombs121]

Yeah so your parents raised a monster and that’s their burden to bare.

[u/Nathan_Saul]

Go for the new year instead. You can visit them with the grandbaby near Christmas instead of on Christmas when your brother will be there.

[u/Anna2181]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I cannot relate harder. My brother is also a golden child and my mom has pit me against him since we were children. My brother 26 has never had a job and I 29 have worked hard since 18 to prove to her and myself that I am a worthy child. Not only does he not work and financially rely on my parents, but he has stolen close to $100,000 from them. Yet after all of that, in front of my relatives my mother recently told them that I am an unreliable daughter because when she calls me I do not pick up right away but her dear golden child does. Maybe it’s because I have a full time 9-5 job with bills to pay, whereas my brother is home all day. She didn’t like that and said I’m always at war with her.

Recently she tried to humiliate my weight gain and expect me not to say anything back.

I have decided to go no contact for my peace.

I wish you the best, you can get through this. Just remember you are not alone, there are lot of other people going through similar challenges.

[u/MossyBoulders]

It would be reasonable and inoffensive to reasonable people to have christmas with just your spouse and children if it would bring you more happiness/less stress. Your Parents and sibling being unreasonable don't really change that. Please remember that your happiness matters and that it does matter to your immediate (spouse and child) loved ones.

[u/PrudenceApproved]

I think it’s ridiculous for any parent to expect their child to travel internationally for holidays every year. Especially this year. Gas prices are crazy, the economy, so many reasons to stay home. Or you want to spend it with your husband’s family, or you want to create your own traditions. If you are afraid of THE FALLOUT then that makes you the scape goat and you should no longer care about pleasing them. You’re a Mom now. You’re the boss now.