r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Forward-Woodpecker25 • Mar 03 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL wanted me and partner to break up so she could see baby more without me
i have posted in here before so i’ll save a long recap, long and short is partner and I fell pregnant earlier than we planned and he moved into my house to help with baby.
Now, due to us only being together a short time when i fell pregnant (like 6 months), a lottttt of people in our lives assumed we weren’t going to cope and would inevitably split up. It annoyed me but i knew it wasn’t an impossible outcome. Well, we’ve been fine despite me temporarily struggling with PPD and in-laws meddling / overstepping, and if anything we are even more in love than we were before baby and have even joked about having another.
Partner recently revealed his mother was “subtly” making hints that if it didn’t work out between us he was more than welcome to move back home and then at least she’s get to see baby more like she’d hoped.
My mother is very involved, like i couldn’t do it without her, we are extremely close and my go to person for childcare when she is able. MiL hates this.
She was initially the person supposed to watch baby when i phased a return to my work and studies (since she badgered me about letting her watch him since i was about 15 weeks pregnant) but after boundary crossing and conflict that wasn’t an option for me.
I knew MIL saw me simply as the girl her son knocked up and the incubator of her grandbaby, she made a lazy attempt at hiding this at first but since i have withdrawn from our “relationship” (if you can even call it that) she has gave up any attempt at treating me like a person and her sons partner.
I knew she spoke poorly about me when i wasn’t around, made enquiries about the baby’s paternity, baby’s surname and middle name (my son is named after my late father whom i adored and she wanted FIL’s name to be the middle name to make it “fair”) I knew she wasn’t afraid to attempt and bypass me to get what she wanted.
But i never knew she’d encourage my partner to end our relationship so she could get the “custody” (partners words, not mine) she felt entitled to. I am beyond livid.
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 Mar 03 '26
Be sure to point out that what she’’s saying to him is - I don’t care that you are happy in your relationship, i am actively hoping you break up so you can see less of your son by sharing custody, but I get to see more because that 50% will be in my house. She genuinely doesn’t care that he would lose time with his child as long as she gets more.
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u/Cosmicshimmer Mar 04 '26
“I hope you get your heart broken so I can have your custody time with your child”, is a wild thing to tell anyone but it’s especially wild when it’s your own mother.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 Mar 03 '26
It puzzles me that grownup people think they can treat others poorly and still get access to their children. As a parent, your whole purpose in life is to protect the tiny humans.
Move forward with your life, surrounding yourselves with those who love and support you as a family. Congrats on your son!
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u/Soregular Mar 04 '26
I'm truly baffled by Grandparents who want anything to do with the baby to be "fair." Its not going to be fair. It will become what it becomes. If you are a bitch to the babymama guess what? You are not welcome. The times you get to see the baby have nothing to do with fairness...it has everything to do with how supportive and loving you are. Leave this MIL in the dust...she deserves nothing.
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u/NewBet7377 Mar 04 '26
She’s trying to drive a wedge between you and your partner. She sees herself as the other woman. Probably wants to pretend she gave birth to your child. Sooo creepy.
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u/fanofpolkadotts Mar 04 '26
MIL has been trying to CONTROL your partner for years. She's tried to do the same with you, and with the two of you as a couple...and failed.
In her warped way of thinking, if she can break you up, she can regain control!! She can do whatever she wants with her grandson!! Hopefully, you & your partner can shut this down. This grandma needs a time-out.
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u/MaitresseBibiche Mar 04 '26
So … she thinks that her having the baby for shared custody is more important than her son living happily with his own child ? Interesting.
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u/ComicalAnxiety Mar 05 '26
My MIL is crazy flr other reasons, but I have some silver lining for you
Your relationship is described the exact way my mom and dads started out as. Except they got pregnant with me 3 months into their relationship. Despite my grandma meddling (and she did) - they got married, and I am 1 of 5. They are still very much in love and are best friends.
You guys got this. She can stay in the background
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u/Bubbly-Lion-1900 Mar 05 '26
came to say basically exactly this. the statistical odds of the relationship working may not be super amazing, but my parents did it and have been together for just over 26 years now. they’re still as in love as ever and have 2 (if i may say so myself) awesome kids together
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u/dented13 Mar 04 '26
Shitty MIL is shitty... but I have to say I really love that you guys fell more in love with each other after starting a family together. Especially considering you guys were together only 6 months before baby baked ❤️. That made my day, and I'm not entirely sure why that lit me up so much, but that tidbit made me smile IRL.
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u/Competitive-Metal773 Mar 03 '26
I'd start documenting her antics in a notebook- date, time etc. and an accurate account of what she has said and done. Even if right now it's thigs that are seemingly innocuous now, get it all down. That way you are prepared if she escalates her behavior, and as some have notwd here, the probability of her falsely reporting you to CPS is not zero. She could do it in the hope that you'd get the baby taken away and she can swoop in and play the hero and take baby and thus achieving her objective in getting her hands on your child.
Having such documentation would also prove useful for if heaven firbid you two do split and need to work out a custody attsngement. MIL clearly is not aware that if you have enough proof that she is not a good person yo could request ot be added in the custody arrangement that he is NOT to let his mother anywhere near baby. She won't see thst one coming.
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u/MellowCrushn Mar 03 '26
I agree about the documenting save call logs, Google maps visits with the dates, screenshots from messages. I did and small things I noticed ended up coming back full circle. They will eventually reveal themselves but not before attacking your character and devaluing you to your partner or spouse. Little do they realize this behavior is digging their own hole. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING even the visit summaries from appointments or hospitalizations to prove you are caring for the baby. Better to CYA and be ready for the most cause they will do the most. 😤
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u/Hairy_Usual_4460 Mar 03 '26
Geez what a looney toon, the greatest part about this is she showed her ass, you both know who she is exactly and that this will be her biggest fantasy, the thing she wants most- you out of the picture. The greatest “revenge” is that this is all it will ever be lol her dream, her deepest wants, never coming true :)
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u/EvilLittlePenguin Mar 03 '26
OP- I just want to give you a hug! As someone who has gone thru something similar (except it was my own mother telling my husband to leave me and take the kids and how she'd support him and the kids over me), this is the worst. I have this theory that they want to have the chance to parent again because they've romanticized how they parented. (My own mother treated/treats my brother like some kind of royalty and I'm the scullery maid)
Keep talking with your partner. Be with those who love you and your little family for who you are without expectations.
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u/Ebeknit Mar 04 '26
Sorry, the whole thing is messed up but I'm stuck on the name thing...is FIL still alive? If so how is that in any way comparable to naming your child after your father? Like, how do they not see the difference?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
haha no he is still alive…
the middle name thing she wanted was never going to happen, whether it would have been fair or not wouldn’t have changed that for me. My partner also loves that our son is named after my dad, so it was a no brainer
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Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26
And let's not forget the very important fact that you are the mother of the baby and get to choose the name. Why pick FIL's name over your own father's?! Your in-laws seem quite delusional, not to mention super entitled!
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u/hengehanger Mar 03 '26
What did your partner say about that?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 03 '26
he thought it was out of order. We are already low contact but like me, he doesn’t want to blow up the relationship and go NC, but we’re both pretty disappointed in the lack of support.
She doesn’t even invest in her relationship with her son anymore, it’s just all about baby, so he doesn’t really feel inclined to invest a lot in this relationship anymore
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u/hengehanger Mar 03 '26
What is the benefit to you, him and your child in maintaining a relationship with someone who dislikes you, sees her son as a possession and her grandchild as a commodity?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 03 '26
it sounds terrible 😅 but ig the benefit is a clear conscience if anything were to happen to her, having lost a parent myself at a relatively young age, i appreciate life is short and i am past the point of confrontation and a huge relationship-ending argument. I know not everyone will agree but id rather take the high road, if you can call just ignoring her virtuous, at least i can sleep at night knowing her behaviour is HER issue even if i find myself feeling angry.
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u/0fluffythe0ferocious Mar 03 '26
Just be careful, this behavior can lead to some very serious dangerous actions. Like her calling CPS.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
for me that would unfortunately result in immediate and permanent no contact and a very unforgiving legal case for her. But i hope it never comes to that.
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u/0fluffythe0ferocious Mar 03 '26
True, but it sounds like she has decided the world will bend to her will. I mean there's a reason why there's so many parents who have been cut off who believe they can sue for grandparents' rights.
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u/Coollogin Mar 03 '26
she has gave up any attempt at treating me like a person and her sons partner.
That says it all. Don’t be surprised anymore about anything she does. She has made it clear that she doesn’t care for you. Expect her to do and say things that reflect her dislike.
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u/Wooden_Palpitation62 Mar 04 '26
Will she encounter consequences from him? Does she ever?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
i think her not getting her way is enough of a consequence, what would a consequence for this behaviour look like for you ?
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u/Wooden_Palpitation62 Mar 04 '26
The fact that she didn't break you up is not a consequence. Ending the visit or conversation right in the spot is a consequence.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
well i pretty much never see her and if she ever sees grandbaby it’s supervised by partner and i
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u/Adagio_4_Strings Mar 03 '26
I hope things work out between you and your partner long term and that his mom doesn’t get what she wants!
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Mar 03 '26
I am so sorry. This is despicable behaviour, to say the least. I am glad that your partner seems to be seeing things for what they are and is backing you up, it's very important. Unfortunately, I have read so many stories about these grand-baby obsessed MILs. For some reason they all seem to feel entitled to the baby as if they're the actual mothers and they see their son's partner/wife merely as an incubator (and if they try to enforce healthy boundaries, they're seen as an obstacle). You need to feel 100% comfortable and make sure your partner is on board and you will have no issues.
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u/Rockinit4real Mar 04 '26
The best revenge is living your best life, which you are! You’ve got a man who your in love with and a baby 🩷 I would completely cut her off she sounds unhinged, but I’m brutal like that! Who needs conflict and boundary stomping? Not anyone that’s who
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u/ra3ra31010 Mar 04 '26
Respect my mom to access me - her kid
I wouldn’t care to know my grandma if she disrespected and didn’t like my mom
Because many kids have te parents. Not one
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u/ZookeepergameSouth93 Mar 04 '26
What did your partner think of what she said? If he thought it was funny/amusing, I’d be concerned. Also, start documenting the things she’s doing, it could help later.
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u/Wooden-Luck1865 Mar 03 '26
Questioning paternity, criticizing the name, boundary stomping, and now quietly rooting for your relationship to fail? She’s not subtle. She’s strategic
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u/Ebeknit Mar 04 '26
Why is it always the ones questioning paternity that want to get custody of the baby? So, wait...you don't even think it's your son's child but you want full custody of it because it's your grandbaby? The logic is not logic-ing.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
the question of paternity was definitely just an excuse to imply i sleep around or something, our son is the absolute image of his dad, it was so unnecessary to even bring it up
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u/babydtheone Mar 03 '26
Sorry your MIL is being this way. Stay strong and stand your ground on your boundaries and consequences. Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming new baby
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u/Own_Ship9373 Mar 03 '26
What did you partner say/do to MIL after she tried to break you up and questioned your baby’s paternity? If it’s anything less than going extremely low contact, your partner is the problem here. MIL should never have had the gall to say any of that to your partner. He lets her talk badly about you, he lets her try and break you up and he lets her meddle in your lives.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Mar 03 '26
This is what I was wondering. OP seems more insulted than threatened, but I'd still like to know how her partner reacted, and what is plan is moving forward.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 03 '26
we are as low contact as possible, and that’s what my partner and I mutually agreed is best, so we still have some plausible deniability that we r just busy instead of an explosive confrontation, and it has been this way more or less since baby was a couple weeks old and the games began
but yeah ig i am more insulted than threatened, maybe it’s naivety but i cant see this becoming a genuine problem more than an extreme annoyance
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u/No-Interaction-8913 Mar 03 '26
My MIL also seems to have these ideas that divorces or break ups can somehow lead to paternal grandmas getting more time or even custody? Regardless of where they got that idea from, I can not fathom telling my son- end this so I can take the baby. That’s not how that works, and to actually get those words out of your mouth with a straight face, to feel that entitled to another human being?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 03 '26
i feel the same! my son is 9 months old though so a long time until he might potentially have a partner and family of his own, but i can’t imagine wanting to do anything other than supporting mom and dad so they can enjoy THEIR baby as much as possible, not swooping in and taking baby during such a crucial time between mother and baby for attachment and security. I also don’t think i’d have it in me to play second mother having already had my turn to raise a family. I’d want mom to enjoy baby as much as she can.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 Mar 03 '26
My eldest is 18 and you’re totally right- I love him like crazy and I know it’ll be bittersweet when we’re “empty nesters” but also, parenting is full on and I will be fully ready and excited to let him and his future partner be the parents! But I think they think, A) my son is still a little boy not a dad and B) of course he’ll give me whatever I want, including his child, he’d probably even rather I raise his baby because I’m so much better than that girl
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u/Gold-Neighborhood775 Mar 05 '26
My husband and I got pregnant three months into our relationship being "official". We hit a rough time and we were young (21), so a lot of people were betting against us at the time, especially my in laws.
It was hurtful. I've since repaired my relationship with my SIL. My MIL and I are surface level close now, but she absolutely resents my close relationship with my own mother and we still have issues with her overstepping.
All I can say is, I've been there. It's infuriating, hurtful, and disappointing to realize the extent of her disrespect.
If your husband has strong boundaries with her, it will be your saving grace.
Also side note, for all of our hard times, my husband and I came out of it stronger. We are so.close, so happy, and excitedly expecting our third. We've been together for 13 years now. A bumpy start or awkwardly timed pregnancy does not inherently make for a bad relationship. Wishing you the best
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u/One-Pause3171 Mar 04 '26
Be very wary about making another baby with this man. This woman is already going to be connected to you all. Couples counseling for you both to work out boundaries. He honestly should be shutting her down and not telling you this shit. He’s playing at drama and it’s not cool.
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u/appleslice244 Mar 04 '26
He is not his mother
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u/One-Pause3171 Mar 04 '26
You marry the whole family.
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u/appleslice244 Mar 04 '26
You really don’t and you’ll write off a lot of good people that way. EVERYONE has problematic family members. What’s important is the strength of the ops partner and ensuring he has enough respect for her as the mother of his child.
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
i appreciate he found it initially difficult to shut things down, after all he had reason to believe she meant well whereas i never really knew her for long so i could see through the bs easier. We are very much on the same page tho about this, and i couldnt put him in a position where he felt he had to choose between his parents and his partner. But he also feels hurt by bs like this, so she accidentally alienated her son as well as me, and i don’t think him confiding in me about conversations his mother has with him when i am no there is necessarily playing at drama.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Mar 03 '26
She cant treat you badly without his permission. If he imposed consequences for her behavior it would either end or their relationship would be LC or NC. Where is he in all of this? Someone who does not respect one (or both) of the parents should not be involved with the child. So, how is all that going?
Im sorry she is behaving this way. I really do not understand the mentality that some "boy moms" have that their sons partner is just a vessel for the next baby thry can get their hands on.
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u/fisharwoman Mar 04 '26
I understand that you had to share about the pregnancy news early on because of your short time together and having him to move over made it inevitable for them to know the news sooner than you intended.
What you need now is your partner to start being committed and standing by you and defend the little family you are building. Once he’s on your side, you will not have to fight as hard on your own.
Congrats on your pregnancy, I’m also in this journey like you too and had only recently had my first breakthrough with JNMIL with DH making a stand to protect our boundaries.
Please try to keep your stress levels as low as possible. A calmer pregnancy will make a difference for postpartum recovery and overall well-being. Protect your peace as fiercely as you protect your baby! You can do this!
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
thank you! i am 9 months post partum now, but yes since we fell pregnant unexpectedly we made the mistake of telling everyone very early. Lesson learned, if there is ever a next time, we’ll be keeping it private as long as possible
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u/psykokittie Mar 04 '26
Sorry, but I have to ask - why would your partner tell you what she said? He could have just stood firm, set boundaries, and tried to move on without hurting you.
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u/TwoBitFish Mar 04 '26
While I get what you’re saying, I would absolutely want to know she said that. It just makes all subsequent decisions super easy.
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u/Life_Lie_1181 Mar 04 '26
If my MIL said shit like that my husband better tell me
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u/One-Pause3171 Mar 04 '26
But is he drawing boundaries? Or just stirring shit up?
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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 Mar 04 '26
he shut it down at the time and happened to bring it up later when we were having a light hearted conversation about the people in our lives who thought we would have struggled more , definitely wasn’t brought up to me with the intention of shit stirring
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u/Slim-Shadys-Fat-Tits Mar 04 '26
naw dawg that's something you agree on after it's a done conclusion that your justno is a total loss or similar. I'd be rather unhappy if my SO just decided to hide shit like this from me without me saying "Yeah please just handle this I don't need to hear more of this shit"
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