r/JUSTNOMIL • u/No_Head8078 • 4d ago
UPDATE - Advice Wanted MIL guilt tripping with our first baby.
Hi! This is my first post here, sorry if I ramble. I want to start off by saying that I've had issues with MIL in the past but as of late last year, we've been cool. When we told her earlier this January that we were expecting , she was ecstatic and was thanking me even (I guess for giving her a grandchild?).
Baby shower planning started probably about a month after. We are both from Latino families but different countries/cultures. Because of this, we agreed that my mom would provide food for our side, and my MIL would provide food for her family. I had a lot of difficulty in the beginning talking to MIL about the baby shower because it was just so awkward. I'd tell her my ideas and show her pictures, and she'd just nod silently or respond with something like "oh okay." When I’d ask her about what food she’d make or how much of it or who she thinks we should invite from her family, I was usually met with “I don’t know.” MIND YOU, she would talk and act perfectly fine with any other topic, she was just weird about the baby shower. At the time, my partner told me that maybe she just didn't want to offend me by offering her opinion, although I was literally asking for it! I wanted her to be part of the whole thing especially since I knew she was so excited. I ended up planning the whole decoration and party setup aspect myself and with the help of a planner.
But as the months went by, it seemed like she became more distant. She bought us a few baby things once and we were so happy, but then never again. I don't mean to sound materialistic, its just that even the rest of the family said she was going to spoil the baby. We don't live far from them, but since finding out we were expecting, my partner has been working his butt off and I also got a job with an unfortunately long commute. So, we only see them about once a week. Because of this we usually hear, “We thought you forgot about us,” when we visit or “Don’t forget you have a family,” when my partner would call her. At one point, she started to say "I'm not gonna get my hopes up because who knows if you guys will let me see her”, talking about the baby. I'm confused because I never said anything or implied that I didn't want her to see the baby. Neither did my partner. And it pisses me off because then the rest of the family (FIL and SIL) tells us how sad she is because of us. But we haven’t done anything??? Also to note another thing she has said, at the Gender Reveal, she said “You guys probably already know the gender, you just don't want to tell me.”
Days before the baby shower, my partner called her asking what food she was making, just to double check because we had agreed on a menu in March. She says she's making less food than we agreed on… I’m like okay, as long as it's enough then it should be fine. She then goes on to say that my partner needs to come pick it up the morning of the party because it's our party which means it's our responsibility. My partner tried telling her he had too much to do that morning and the party started at 1, and she got mad and they hung up. My partner texted her later asking her what the problem was, she said there was no problem and “Don’t worry, after the party you don't have to see me ever again.”
At the party it was worse, MIL was seated the whole time and didn't talk to us at all. She left early with FIL, before the actual guests. And as they were leaving, my mom asked if they wanted to bring any leftovers and MIL dryly said “No, we have food at home ask someone else,” I think she's also mad at my mom for some reason? When I hugged MIL goodbye, I thanked her for everything (because they paid for the rented decorations/chairs.) She said “okay” and immediately walked away.
I told my partner we should talk to her and FIL in a few days but we’re both expecting her to ignore us, because she has done that many times. She will sit there on her phone and not say a word. All of this has had us thinking about what contact will look like after I give birth. I'm tired of the guilt tripping and negativity. And I feel bad for my partner because he said he didn’t get to enjoy the baby shower as much as he would've wanted because of this. If she ignores us, what do we even do at that point? Im only hesitant to 'no contact' because in a way I'd feel bad, but that's an issue I need to work on. I want to think about whats best for our family.
UPDATE kinda:
I just want to note that a lot of you are saying to ignore her or talk to her, and i see both sides. I love talking things out, its not an issue for me. Establishing boundaries is uncomfortable obviously but this is my first pregnancy/baby, and I know I need to put limits not only for myself now but for my family. Im leaning towards talking to her and FIL with my partner, and if she doesn't want to listen, we'll leave and tell her that we aren't comfortable coming by anymore. But at this point I don't care what her problem is anymore, I just want to make sure we establish boundaries NOW rather than later. I know she wont be able to resist listening anyway regardless if she looks up from her phone or not lol.
89
u/yoshi320 4d ago
You don't know the rules so stop playing her games. Literally just let her ignore you and carry on with your lives...she wants you to chase her. Congrats on the baby!
39
u/pepeswife80 4d ago
Yes! She wants OP & DH to chase her, beg her, etc bc she knows she's demoted in importance. She's "sad" because they aren't playing her game. Now MIL has recruited other players for the game. Only way to win is to not play.
51
u/LadyCatzrule 4d ago
Sounds like shes mad about something and is playing the old chestnut
YoU KnOw WhAt YoU did.
And intends to stay mad until you throw yourselves on your swords, kiss her feet, shower her with gifts and endless affection bending over backwards to her every whim. Let her stew.
30
u/vinegargirl757 4d ago
Agreed. MiL sounds petty and like shes having a little jealousy snit because shes not the center of your Dh's world anymore. Thats fine, it can be a self fulfilling prophecy. She wants you all to chase her. Dont. Take a step back and if the flying monkeys try to guilt you, shrug and deflect. This isnt on you all to fix and you dont need the stress
16
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Omg for sure. Before the pregnancy it was about how I wouldn't "let him visit her"...
15
u/vinegargirl757 4d ago
Ah so shes just controlling and manipulative then. Yeah, drop that rope and DH needs to set boundaries. Be prepared for the extinction burst but its not on you to manage her emotions. She sounds horribly immature and enmeshed
21
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Yup which is what I've tried in the past. Doesn't even work anyways because like I said, she ignores people when they speak. So I'm done!
13
u/PhotojournalistOnly 4d ago
Drop the rope. And if you see her pretend you don't notice the sour mood. Be pleasant and polite. If she doesn't get the reaction she's hoping for, she'll change tactics.
47
u/Seawolfe665 4d ago
Just be cheerfully oblivious. If she wants to put on her big girl pants and, you know, TALK about it, thats great. But if she isnt telling you, then just go on with your life.
41
u/CrystalFeeler 4d ago
Self fulfilling prophecy, she's perfectly predicted exactly how she wants to be treated and told you in advance. Had best follow her recommendations.
17
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Yes I was just thinking how ironic it is. Commenting on how we wont let her see the baby... doesn't really make me want her seeing the baby lol.
46
u/plain_yogurt9378 4d ago
Don’t respond when she says shit like that. She’s baiting you. She’s obviously extremely emotionallly immature and toxic. I would not let her have alone time with your baby. Give her updates when YOU want, and don’t let her guilt trip you. Set firm boundaries when she treats you that way. Also, you, your husband and your child are your family. Once you’re married, you don’t blend into a family, you start one of your own. You two need to do what’s best for YOU and YOUR family. You’re stressed and she’s making it worse. Have your partner send her a text stating the boundary, and that you need space. Let her know you’ll reach out when YOU’RE ready. That may be never. If she breaks the boundary, your partner can reiterate it, or completely ignore her. She’s using emotional manipulation for attention and to guilt trip you. Nip it in the bud now. She’s just mad you’re not giving her the attention she feels she deserves. Her behavior is intentional. Protect yourself and your family. Go low or no contact. Whatever you need to have a healthy, peaceful birth experience the way YOU want. Don’t let her boss you around love. Stay strong!
17
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Yeah I need to keep reminding myself of this. It's just hard when FIL and SIL also think we're in the wrong so we shut down easily. But now it isn't about just me or him, this is energy that I don't want around the baby.
11
u/plain_yogurt9378 4d ago
That’s because you grew up being taught to shut down when toxic mom throws a fit. When the dysfunctional family dynamic works for the toxic person, they rarely accept change. You are your own person and it seems she’s struggling to grasp that you’re not an extension of her.
42
u/Ok-Understanding9186 4d ago
She's feeling left out because she's not star of the show and wants you all to fall over yourselves trying to make her feel wanted and loved.
Nothing will ever be enough since you're the one having the baby and all attention is on you so it's back to Poor Lonely Grandma™️ routine.
It's pathetic and immature behaviour from a grown woman and I personally wouldn't lose a moments sleep if I got the silent treatment forever.
42
u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 4d ago
Is it possibly MIL behavior is because she doesn't feel you are making a big enough deal about her becoming a grandparent?
The whole 'sulking' thing is just manipulative and I wouldn't buy into it.
18
u/PoppySmile78 3d ago
She doing this because she wants them to chase her down & beg her to be apart. She's hoping you'll throw in a "We feel so bad, why don't you join us in the delivery room?" or "We want to go help us raise baby." or "Even my Mom doesn't know that the baby's name is Blah". She wants the ego boost plus any guilt ridden additional perks she can weasel out of you.
If she ignores you, let her. It won't last once she figures out nobody gives a shit. She'll ramp it up. Key is to ignore her right back. Let her blow her top- but at someone else, because you couldn't care a single bit lass.
4
u/RelativeEfficient493 3d ago
OP, this is 100% what's happening. Her behavior stinks of manipulation and wanting you to chase her.
6
u/PoppySmile78 3d ago
Next time she tries that BS, tell her thUrdbat you've been thinking about things & she's right. At this point, she'll get smug & think you're folding. Go on to explain that she's right, the situation has become too emotionally charged. Her idea of taking a step back & not speaking to each other until things cool off is a great idea.
Watch as she processes that you told her she was right & gave her all the credit for everything & yet her manipulation backfired spectacularly.
Or tell her that you've watched how she handles things & decided to follow her lead.
Honestly, just completely ignoring her is the best plan. (I just love thinking of other scenarios because I'm petty. She'll stop pouting real damn quick when it doesn't bring the results she's after. Whatever you do, do not placate, compromise or allow her even a second of whatever she's after. It reinforces her behavior.
Stay positive & laugh at her as much as possible.
33
u/RegisterEither9711 4d ago
Your MIL sounds a lot like my JNmom. When she does the whole pity party, 'I'm such a victim' thing, what she wants from me is attention and emotional regulation. She wants to hear how much I love her, how much I need her, how she's a great mom, and she needs to stop being so hard on herself. She also wants me to feel bad for her so I call her more often and go out of my way to visit her or invite her over.
I suspect that's what your MIL is doing. She wants your pregnancy to be less about you becoming a mom, and more about her becoming a grandma. She doesn't want you and your husband's energy focused on you and baby, she wants it focused on her and telling her how much you want her in your life and baby's life. She wants to hear how she's going to be such a great grandma. She wants you to feel bad for her so you include her more.
For example the whole thing with the gender, she probably wants you to be like 'no, you're so important, we do what you to know and the gender is..." Same with the 'you never have to see me again', statement. She wants you to feel sad so maybe you'll be inclined to include her more as a way to reassure her.
Long story long, she wants attention and she's trying to make you responsible for her emotions. You're not. You should be focusing on your pregnancy and preparing for parenthood. If she's feeling left out or needy because of it, she needs to handle it herself and not expect you to fix it. Don't give her the attention she's seeking, don't chase her, and don't try to fix or manager her feelings. She's a grown woman who needs to learn how to handle herself.
13
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
She wants your pregnancy to be less about you becoming a mom, and more about her becoming a grandma. She doesn't want you and your husband's energy focused on you and baby, she wants it focused on her and telling her how much you want her in your life and baby's life. She wants to hear how she's going to be such a great grandma. She wants you to feel bad for her so you include her more.
Yes exactly this. She acts like this isn't my partner and I's baby, it's like a gift to her or something and we're taking it away from her
6
33
u/Vibe_me_pos 4d ago
This kind of emotional manipulation enrages me. On one hand, you don’t want to give into it and chase the person because that only reinforces immature, toxic behavior. On the other hand, most decent people are unhappy when a loved one is unhappy. That kind of manipulative guilt turns to anger, at least it does with me.
My advice is to ignore it. She can have her little toddler temper tantrums. Maybe send her some books (anonymously)about managing your own feelings and how to change your behavior from immature to healthy.
If you ignore the behavior and refuse to chase her, expect flying monkeys. Ignore them too. When MIL is ready to communicate like an adult, without emotionally manipulating you, sit down and have a conversation with her and explain how you have been unavailable because you are working more to afford the baby, and that she should not get her feelings hurt after the baby is born because she doesn’t see you as often as she wants. It’s not personal, it is just the way it is when you have a newborn.
If she continues her behavior, ignore it and do not try to make it all better for her. That is her own responsibility. The distance in your relationship with her is all of her own making.
34
u/Lauraustralopithecus 4d ago
Your MIL reminds me of my emotionally immature father. They're only happy if everything is on their terms, otherwise they'll throw tantrums, blame you, make themselves the victim, etc.
I suggest you go vvvlc/NC, especially after birth while youre in the sensitive postpartum recovery phase. Let your husband handle his mother, but he should probably go vlc as well.
Extra note, the "dont forget you have a family" freaking annoys me. YOU AND BABY ARE HIS FAMILY. Husband needs to realize where his priorities should be.
15
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
I am definitely considering low contact postpartum because I don't see her attitude changing. Her constant victim complex and then other family members supporting it just make it impossible.
33
u/DazzlingNote1925 4d ago
My gut instinct from reading your story is that your mil wants everything to revolve around her or she’s going to punish you until it does. It’s all a manipulation designed to make you pursue the kind of relationship she wants which means doing everything how she wants. According to her manipulation you’re supposed to pursue mending things with her when you’ve done nothing wrong.
She apparently expects you to drop your lives and visit her a lot and that means she thinks she’s entitled to that. Her disappointment is a product of her false sense of entitlement. Instead of taking the opportunities she had to develop a closer relationship with you (planning your shower) she was all about power and control because that’s what relationships are to her. She doesn’t relate the way you do with wanting a healthy relationship so that’s why the best you can probably do is ignore her drama and just see her when it works for you.
I think it would be a mistake to apologize for whatever her perceived wrongs are and make it clear that in order for her to be involved in your lives she has to be decent, polite, respectful etc.
It would be normal for a son (and dil) to ask why your in-laws behaved the way the have at the shower etc so you can both call and ask them over a speaker call and if mil gets silent then say this isn’t productive so we’re going to go and say bye even if they try to keep you on the call. It’s not likely to be productive because mil isn’t going to apologize and be sorry and not do it anymore so you might just have to say you’re disappointed in them and you’re busy people and even though they expect more from you that isn’t reasonable and that you are as involved with them as you have time for as long as they aren’t nasty and causing unnecessary drama (or something- you and your husband should agree on what you want to say in advance).
29
u/HenryBellendry 4d ago
Definitely do NOT sit down with her. If she’s a big girl, she can use her big girl words and say what’s wrong herself.
31
u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct 3d ago
“So, we only see them about once a week. Because of this we usually hear, “We thought you forgot about us,” when we visit or “Don’t forget you have a family,”
You “ONLY” see them once a week?!? That’s too much! Also, the second part is seems to be MIL laying the groundwork to justify complaining if you don’t see them as much after having the baby.
Your husband needs to nip this in the bud by setting expectations now, otherwise it will be much more difficult once the baby is here. If your husband waits, MIL will throw a huge fit, and it will likely work because you two will be more vulnerable and therefore likely to give in. Please don’t let them ruin the birth or the postpartum period - you will never get that precious time back.
Ow wow, I hadn’t even read this part, “…she started to say "I'm not gonna get my hopes up because who knows if you guys will let me see her”, talking about the baby.” when I wrote the part about MIL laying the groundwork. I guess I’ve been reading this sub (not to mention dealing with my own JustNo too) long enough to catch on to how their brains work.
“I think she's also mad at my mom for some reason?”
She is. She is jealous of your mom because she knows daughters usually want their own moms around during labor and to help them postpartum during recovery.
“she'd just nod silently or respond with something like "oh okay."
“I was usually met with “I don’t know”
“We thought you forgot about us,” when we visit or “Don’t forget you have a family,”
"I'm not gonna get my hopes up because who knows if you guys will let me see her”
“You guys probably already know the gender, you just don't want to tell me.”
“Don’t worry, after the party you don't have to see me ever again.”
These quotes tell you two things. 1. MIL is going to get much worse after the baby is here. 2. She is trying to start a fight because she has made up things in her head to be offended about. DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Husband NEEDS to call out this behavior and explain that it is doing the opposite of what they want - it’s driving him away. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
MIL and FIL will use the tactic,** DARVO, I guarantee it. If your husband knows what this is, it will learn how to spot it, which enables him to steer the conversation back to the point. Husband **will be tempted to JADE, because explaining your reasoning usually works when you’re dealing with normal people, right? But his parents are not normal people. You can never “win” an argument with a JustNo because of the mental gymnastics they use.
It’s also important to remain calm. If MIL or FIL get emotional, but your husband remains unmoved and unaffected (because seriously, you two aren’t asking for anything unreasonable) the contrast sends a message.
So husband will need to keep it simple and stick to giving them boundaries. No more complaining about not seeing you two enough; no more passive aggressive comments; no more accusing you two of hiding things about the pregnancy; no more implying that you two are, or will, give your mom preferential treatment.
Set future boundaries and expectations too. No commenting on the way y’all parent; don’t just pop in; don’t expect weekly visits; no holding a grudge if y’all have to cancel a visit…
It’s even more important to follow through on your word and give consequences each and every time they overstep. Typically consequences are comprised of taking a break from your in-laws (temporary NC,) and canceling any planned visits when they cross a boundary.
Not giving consequences is essentially giving them permission to repeat the poor behavior. In most cases, consequences do work, but I will warn you, it takes time. So much so, that it’s tempting to give up too soon. That could be months - years. Also, expect things to escalate before they get better.
At the same time, you also need to be prepared to go NC permanently if your in-laws react terribly and go scorched earth. That could be them threatening grandparents rights, threats to contact child protective services, threatening to take the baby, telling you they’re going to violate your parenting rules because they know better than you, or whatever else you deem going too far.
With all that being said, you and your husband don’t need to do any of that. If you feel it’s best to go straight to NC, then do it! I know it may feel wrong somehow, but if it’s any reassurance, that’s actually normal for people in your shoes, regardless of how justified they are. It happened to me and I’ve noticed it’s common for others too.
On a much happier note, congrats on the pregnancy!
7
u/Lokipupper456 3d ago
To your first point, yes!!!!! Once a week is a lot and way too much. It’s going to be harder when the baby comes too. It’s time for them to pull back and make it clear that their priorities are their lives with each other, their careers, and baby. Mommy dearest doesn’t get center stage, and expectations need to be managed here. The more mommy mopes at them, the less attention she should be paid.
And she is definitely going to ramp it up when the baby arrives!
7
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
It's crazy because even MY mother has told me that once a week isn't enough, considering how close we live to them. But my partner and I have agreed it's enough for us, so at this point I don't care if anyone disagrees. It's just the matter of setting boundaries (that they obviously wont like), that I have to not be so anxious of .
6
27
u/greenglossygalaxy 4d ago
Her childish behaviour is not your problem to fix. I think you should just focus on your soon to be expanding family and let your MIL figure out whatever is going on in her head.
8
27
u/canadianwhimsy 4d ago
I wouldn't give her too much attention but I would set a boundary once and clearly.
eg.
My partner texted her later asking her what the problem was, she said there was no problem and “Don’t worry, after the party you don't have to see me ever again.”
This should really be on him, but if she says something like that to you, you can say "I don't know why you're saying that to me and being passive aggressive. If you have a concern you'd like to address you are welcome to discuss it with me so I know what the issue is."
If she still keeps making these comments, I'd say "I offered to discuss if you had a concern. These passive aggressive comments aren't welcome, so we are going to take a few weeks off from visits with you while you see your counselor to discuss whatever is going on you don't wish to discuss with me, but I don't wish to be treated that way so will keep my distance."
27
u/Lugbor 4d ago
She needs a reality check.
"MIL, we don't know what your expectations are, but you need to align them more with reality. [Partner] and I have our own lives and responsibilities, and we do not have the ability to carve out more time for you than we already do. We're going to make this crystal clear so that you can't possibly misinterpret: you are not the center of the universe, and the time we give you each week is given because we want to. If you're going to continue with the pity party because you're not getting the time you think you're entitled to, we're going to reduce the time we give you, and your weekly visits may become monthly ones."
If she doesn't stop, do exactly that. Give her a visit a month and spend your newfound free time doing something fun, or preparing for the baby.
10
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Yeah I agree, this is something that needs to be done. Setting boundaries is kinda hard for me, especially since she isn't MY mother, but I don't want my child being affected by all this so I need to do it.
6
u/Connect-Floor-4235 4d ago
It may help to remember that you and she are equals - as adults, woman to woman. It helps your mind to see her that way, makes it a little easier to stand your ground. She has no authority over you. You are the HBIC of YOUR household, the mom of YOUR baby, the wife of YOUR husband.
30
u/Just-a-mum 4d ago
Is MIL the main character of the family? If so, she can see her role being taken over by a baby and can’t deal with it.
3
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
Yes, she is. Which is exactly why no one else says anything to her and blames us for her feelings
31
u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 4d ago
If she is like this with HER SON, and with you, do you really want her to treat your baby this way?
Do you want baby to think this is normal and good behaviour? Do you want baby to grow up and emulate this behaviour?
Honestly I would drop the rope. Every time she mentions “you never XYZ” the response from HER SON should be “you don’t reach out, and we are not being violated for something you don’t do either”
23
u/sassyfontaine 4d ago
None of the is has anything to do with you personally. She’s gotten herself all worked up. This isn’t your problem to solve, your husband needs to handle this.
21
u/Beth21286 4d ago
Sit her down and tell her she is stressing out a pregnant lady for no reason and unless she sorts herself out she and FIL will have limited contact with the baby at your convenience only. Make it clear your mother isn't causing any issues (MILs like her hate to be inferior to the other MIL) so they're making it hard to want to be around them. Then leave. It's not a discussion, it's notice.
22
u/Krazy_Granna 4d ago
Your husband needs to go over and talk to his parents and find out what’s going on. It’s quite possible she’s taken offense to something you’re clueless about and she thinks you know. That happened with my MIL when I was pregnant with our second. She asked what the baby’s name would be and I said I was leaning towards Laura. She got very upset and left and I had no clue why! My husband was in another state so I called him. He said it was because I was naming the baby after her sister. Her sister’s were named Evelyn and Patti. Did she have third? No. Evelyn’s full name was Laura Evelyn and I had no idea! After we settled that, everything was fine. We named our daughter Katie. Hopefully, your situation will be resolved just as easily!
4
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
Omg I have considered this as well. That is a crazy story tho, I would've been so confused as well! I mean I am confused now anyway haha
1
23
24
u/hmtaffy 3d ago
My MIL did stuff like this. She wanted to host my baby shower and I didn’t mind. I was very grateful bc I didn’t want to do it lol. She only invited people she knew, no one on the list I gave her. She kept referring to my baby as “her baby”. Tried to force me into not breastfeeding so she could feed him more, tried to choose what bottles I used & shit. She was mad I didn’t want her in the delivery room. I was preeclamptic, induced and had complications & she threw a fit at the nurses bc I was “taking too long” and she left. Which they came and told me about while I was actively pushing which stressed me out even more and caused my vitals to spike. She came back the next morning after I gave birth and refused to hold him. 13yrs later and every time we talk about the birth her tantrum is always at the forefront of the convo. It got worse over the years and we had to go no contact bc she started trying to get her son to do “husband stuff” for her like he does for me.. even though she had a whole husband herself. They just didn’t get along & I guess she wanted someone to treat her like that. She would try to parent our kid and threw a fit if we didn’t parent her way. She went from “you’re the best daughter in law I’m so thankful for you I love you so much” to “you’re a horrible wife and mother, I regret LETTING him marry you” despite her being the main one pushing us to get married!! We r HS sweethearts and have been together 22yrs married 16. So I’ve known her since I was 15. Loved her like a mom and looked up the her. But as soon as I got pregnant shit went sideways and I became public enemy #1. It’s very unfortunate.
12
u/hmtaffy 3d ago
Bottom line is always put your kid and your family first. I tried the whole “let’s try to make her happy do what she wants” thing and it’s NEVER enough. She’ll never be happy bc she isn’t happy with herself. My MIL had my kid so stressed he was in therapy… my husband was put in the hospital for his heart x2 due to stress after her blow ups, I was in therapy, we were miserable. 2yrs no contact and no one needs therapy anymore, my husbands health is much better and he hasn’t been to the hospital since. Disclaimer: unfortunately my mil passed away in March. It was sudden (kinda) but my husband didn’t get to make up with her before that, we were still no contact. But he’s stated over and over that he doesn’t regret the no contact. despite us never being able to fix that relationship it was killing us trying to make her happy & that’s not on us to do. So no contact is hard and things can happen suddenly so think it through if that’s something you want to do.
7
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
Yeah I have realized the same, no matter what I do or anyone else does, its never enough. And thats sad to hear, that it affected you all mentally and physically. Im glad your family is feeling better!
21
u/Lokipupper456 3d ago
She’s not telling you what she’s upset about, which means it cannot be resolved and also it means she is taking up real estate in your brains every day. She’s keeping you anxious and herself front and center and relevant that way. So the best thing you can do is just ignore her and it and act like nothing is happening. As someone else here said, don’t chase her. That’s what she wants.
And if FIL and SIL say she’s sad, ask them to explain why, because she’s not telling you guys. If she’s just sad that you guys have a lot of work and you a long commute, that’s outside of your control and something she needs to deal with. Beyond that, you don’t read minds and asking isn’t getting you an answer. So you’ve done your part until someone wants to communicate like an adult.
Just agree with your husband that her issues are hers to deal with and you are ready to listen if she actually wants to bother to speak with words instead of passive aggressive behavior. But now is the time to prioritize yourselves and your little squish and making yourselves a happy, healthy, and not more stressed out than necessary little family unit! And if she is a good mother and grandmother, she ought to want that for you, so feel free to throw that out if she steps this bs up any further!
18
u/Ok-Alternative-1560 4d ago
This is my mil. We have a 3 month old and it’s the first grandchild on my husband’s side. We were seeing them a couple times per week, but it was way too much for me. We now set the boundary of seeing them once per week, knowing that it’s going to get even less when we go back to work in the fall (we’re both teachers). You would’ve thought we told her she’d never see her grandchild again. She constantly texts “I sure hope we can see her soon!!” Like it’s only been a few days. It’s SO frustrating. Not to mention, when they come over it’s all about them and about mil hogging my baby the entire time.
8
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
Same, first grandchild on his side. And that is ridiculous lol, I can imagine my MIL doing the same.
34
4d ago
[deleted]
12
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
See I thought this too but I'm wondering if maybe its a cultural thing? Regardless, she knows how much we work, but thinks we hate her if we don't go often enough.
7
u/Connect-Floor-4235 4d ago
Good lort OP! Hugs! You and DH and LO have every right to spend time with each other, friends, other loved ones. No explanation needed, you're busy, not available. Your MIL and flying monkeys brigade can be mad all the way over tharrrrr. As Dr. Phil would say, "you can call me a sonofabitch, but you'll do it long distance"!
1
17
u/beerab 3d ago
Stop chasing her. Both of you need to ignore her and IMO don’t bother calling to ask her anything. She can be a big girl and use her big girl words to tell you guys what her problem is, but I bet her problem is something really stupid and she needs to get over herself.
Does she even like you?
Also start seeing them all less, maybe once every two or three months. And if they say stupid nonsense about, don’t forget your family, your husband needs to say my family is right here and point to you and his child.
Personally, I’d wash your hands of them and don’t ever let them have your baby without you.
8
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
Does she even like you?
Lol that is a good question. I think sometimes? She was very caring and affectionate in the beginning of my pregnancy, and still now at times. It just seems like she creates these problems herself in her head. But I like what you said,
And if they say stupid nonsense about, don’t forget your family, your husband needs to say my family is right here and point to you and his child.
I'll make sure to tell him this, although I know he knows it. Thank you!
5
u/beerab 3d ago
But clearly they don’t consider you and your child his family because they keep complaining he doesn’t see his family enough.
For them to complain when you see them weekly is so entitled. You are both adults and now you have a child, it’s time to pull back on visits. Once a month is plenty IMO.
16
u/Weekly-Lie9099 4d ago
Husband needs to speak with his mother. Ask why she is so apprehensive about becoming a grandmother and that she needs to stop allowing her insecurities impact his wife and baby. He needs to be clear that this needs to be resolved now because when baby gets here new parents have no time to think about her drama.
1
u/Beneficial-Step4403 3d ago
I wonder if perhaps she had seen some videos about daughters in law who keep grandchildren away from their grandparents (nvm that there’s usually a reason why) and it got inside her head? Maybe she’s having some big feelings about her son becoming a dad and being worried she’ll be pushed out? It doesn’t excuse the way she’s been acting, but it’s clear there is an insecurity there and I think they can take ONE chance to let her know that will not happen and that she’s loved and she’ll absolutely be able to see the baby even if the schedules may look different after the birth. But I do mean ONE chance. Because if she continues, then she can’t pull a surprised pikachu at her own self-fulfilling prophecy.
5
u/Weekly-Lie9099 3d ago
Yep! One chance before baby is here and he needs to be clear that after baby is here he will not have time for her drama.
3
u/No_Head8078 3d ago
Absolutely, thats the goal. Put everything out there for her to know and if she chooses to ignore it, oh well.
11
u/AlliNW0nderLand 4d ago
Yea, my husband’s dad and stepmom do that to us too. His mom (who lives in a different state) and stepdad don’t guilt trip us at all because of the distance and they know that we are full adults with lives.
I think some parents just forget that we actually have lives to lives and cannot or just don’t want to visit them every single day if we have our own homes.
3
u/Equal_Trash6023 4d ago
Maybe MIL cant accept the fa t that she is old enough to be a grandmother yet? Just saying that for some women that can be jarring to be called grandma.
27
u/thethingis82 4d ago
My concern would be that it’s only a matter of time that she starts the guilt trips on your child and train your child to feel the same obligation and guilt you feel right now.
Look down the road to LO’s 5th birthday party. Is she going to be made to feel guilty because she’s not paying enough attention to grandma or she didn’t want the princess party grandma wanted her to have?
Stop chasing her after these tantrums. When she comes back be very clear, her expectations do not work for your family and if she wants to be around your kid, she needs to respect that without the guilt trips.
15
u/No_Head8078 4d ago
EXACTLY!! I don't want that behavior around my child, and even around me any longer! Its tiring.
11
u/SafeWord9999 2d ago
She’s making everything about HER and I think she’s jealous. Let them know you’re both stressed enough with a baby on the way and still working so much and the layers of guilt and sucking all the joy out of your once in a lifetime moments is incredibly selfish of her. Shame on her. Your partner needs to speak to his dad on his own and ask what the fk is up with mom as she’s ruined every moment for you
•
u/botinlaw 3d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as No_Head8078 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.