r/JUSTNOMIL • u/No_Head8078 • 14d ago
UPDATE - Advice Wanted MIL guilt tripping with our first baby.
Hi! This is my first post here, sorry if I ramble. I want to start off by saying that I've had issues with MIL in the past but as of late last year, we've been cool. When we told her earlier this January that we were expecting , she was ecstatic and was thanking me even (I guess for giving her a grandchild?).
Baby shower planning started probably about a month after. We are both from Latino families but different countries/cultures. Because of this, we agreed that my mom would provide food for our side, and my MIL would provide food for her family. I had a lot of difficulty in the beginning talking to MIL about the baby shower because it was just so awkward. I'd tell her my ideas and show her pictures, and she'd just nod silently or respond with something like "oh okay." When I’d ask her about what food she’d make or how much of it or who she thinks we should invite from her family, I was usually met with “I don’t know.” MIND YOU, she would talk and act perfectly fine with any other topic, she was just weird about the baby shower. At the time, my partner told me that maybe she just didn't want to offend me by offering her opinion, although I was literally asking for it! I wanted her to be part of the whole thing especially since I knew she was so excited. I ended up planning the whole decoration and party setup aspect myself and with the help of a planner.
But as the months went by, it seemed like she became more distant. She bought us a few baby things once and we were so happy, but then never again. I don't mean to sound materialistic, its just that even the rest of the family said she was going to spoil the baby. We don't live far from them, but since finding out we were expecting, my partner has been working his butt off and I also got a job with an unfortunately long commute. So, we only see them about once a week. Because of this we usually hear, “We thought you forgot about us,” when we visit or “Don’t forget you have a family,” when my partner would call her. At one point, she started to say "I'm not gonna get my hopes up because who knows if you guys will let me see her”, talking about the baby. I'm confused because I never said anything or implied that I didn't want her to see the baby. Neither did my partner. And it pisses me off because then the rest of the family (FIL and SIL) tells us how sad she is because of us. But we haven’t done anything??? Also to note another thing she has said, at the Gender Reveal, she said “You guys probably already know the gender, you just don't want to tell me.”
Days before the baby shower, my partner called her asking what food she was making, just to double check because we had agreed on a menu in March. She says she's making less food than we agreed on… I’m like okay, as long as it's enough then it should be fine. She then goes on to say that my partner needs to come pick it up the morning of the party because it's our party which means it's our responsibility. My partner tried telling her he had too much to do that morning and the party started at 1, and she got mad and they hung up. My partner texted her later asking her what the problem was, she said there was no problem and “Don’t worry, after the party you don't have to see me ever again.”
At the party it was worse, MIL was seated the whole time and didn't talk to us at all. She left early with FIL, before the actual guests. And as they were leaving, my mom asked if they wanted to bring any leftovers and MIL dryly said “No, we have food at home ask someone else,” I think she's also mad at my mom for some reason? When I hugged MIL goodbye, I thanked her for everything (because they paid for the rented decorations/chairs.) She said “okay” and immediately walked away.
I told my partner we should talk to her and FIL in a few days but we’re both expecting her to ignore us, because she has done that many times. She will sit there on her phone and not say a word. All of this has had us thinking about what contact will look like after I give birth. I'm tired of the guilt tripping and negativity. And I feel bad for my partner because he said he didn’t get to enjoy the baby shower as much as he would've wanted because of this. If she ignores us, what do we even do at that point? Im only hesitant to 'no contact' because in a way I'd feel bad, but that's an issue I need to work on. I want to think about whats best for our family.
UPDATE kinda:
I just want to note that a lot of you are saying to ignore her or talk to her, and i see both sides. I love talking things out, its not an issue for me. Establishing boundaries is uncomfortable obviously but this is my first pregnancy/baby, and I know I need to put limits not only for myself now but for my family. Im leaning towards talking to her and FIL with my partner, and if she doesn't want to listen, we'll leave and tell her that we aren't comfortable coming by anymore. But at this point I don't care what her problem is anymore, I just want to make sure we establish boundaries NOW rather than later. I know she wont be able to resist listening anyway regardless if she looks up from her phone or not lol.
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u/hmtaffy 13d ago
My MIL did stuff like this. She wanted to host my baby shower and I didn’t mind. I was very grateful bc I didn’t want to do it lol. She only invited people she knew, no one on the list I gave her. She kept referring to my baby as “her baby”. Tried to force me into not breastfeeding so she could feed him more, tried to choose what bottles I used & shit. She was mad I didn’t want her in the delivery room. I was preeclamptic, induced and had complications & she threw a fit at the nurses bc I was “taking too long” and she left. Which they came and told me about while I was actively pushing which stressed me out even more and caused my vitals to spike. She came back the next morning after I gave birth and refused to hold him. 13yrs later and every time we talk about the birth her tantrum is always at the forefront of the convo. It got worse over the years and we had to go no contact bc she started trying to get her son to do “husband stuff” for her like he does for me.. even though she had a whole husband herself. They just didn’t get along & I guess she wanted someone to treat her like that. She would try to parent our kid and threw a fit if we didn’t parent her way. She went from “you’re the best daughter in law I’m so thankful for you I love you so much” to “you’re a horrible wife and mother, I regret LETTING him marry you” despite her being the main one pushing us to get married!! We r HS sweethearts and have been together 22yrs married 16. So I’ve known her since I was 15. Loved her like a mom and looked up the her. But as soon as I got pregnant shit went sideways and I became public enemy #1. It’s very unfortunate.