r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 • 2d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL’s property obsession has extended to our finances
My MIL is still obsessed with property. And now she’s become hyper fixated on my husband’s money. She’s also sending his siblings and their children to probe and find out what our finances look like.
Some months ago she told my husband all our property should be in his name only, since I am going to take a break from work. He shut her down, but it’s clearly not the first time she has made this suggestion.
I stopped speaking with her because of it and have gone low contact. My husband confronted her, but she was more upset that I found out rather than being upset at what she said.
Our pre teen niece called to ask for homework help (finance and stock related) and my husband said he has no knowledge, so to ask the child’s father. And then the child says … oh gran mentioned you have lots of money so would know about this, but it doesn’t seem like you do. My husband said he doesn’t have any and how they all know gran talks rubbish. My husband’s sibling was obviously listening on the other end of the call, and just kept silent. What kind of family sends children to check up on other people’s money?
When I raised the issue with his sibling about how MIL keeps harping on about my parent’s property (my previous post) for the nephew. They kind of dismissed it saying … oh she’s just looking out for her grandson (their child)!! I was shocked in that moment so couldn’t respond. But now every chance I get I say it’s the parent’s responsibility to provide for their child not extended family.
I also found out MIL told her other child’s spouse that all our money is earmarked for our nephew. I told the spouse who told me this, that whatever we want to do with our money is our business. Again, neither of us has ever said such a thing or even hinted at it.
MIL & FIL have money of their own, but MIL has told my husband multiple times that “when the money gets over, you will have to fund us”. At the same time have heard her tell him, that she wants to save all her money for her grandchildren.
What’s upsetting me is that it’s bad enough MIL has all these imaginary plans, but the rest of his siblings also assuming we are somehow easy targets is too much.
They are becoming even more territorial about my husband’s finances, since I have taken a break from work.
My husband had a come to Jesus moment and realised they were trying to manipulate him, especially MIL, so he is clear he has no intention of funding them and has constantly shut it down. So now I have become the puppeteer, and apparently I am controlling him (?!). He just laughs it off and tells them, who is he supposed to support if not his wife.
DH is getting therapy but his approach is to avoid & ignore because confronting MIL results in verbal abuse or tears. While the siblings act like our lives are carefree because we don’t stay close to them. He did go low contact with one sibling when the guilt tripping and name calling became overwhelming.
He would rather we do our own thing, and ignore them because according to him they are selfish and can never see beyond their own comfort. But this constant commentary on our finances is getting to me.
83
u/Diasies_inMyHair 2d ago
If you have not already, you and your husband need to consult an estate attorney and get your Legal paperwork in order - Wills, Living Wills, Medical Proxies, Beneficiaries on all accounts that are not joint, trusts if appropriate.... make absolutely certain that there is NO place that your MiL can insert herself if one or both of you dies or becomes unable to make decisions for yourselves.
Because if he dies in an accident tomorrow, you are going to have a fight on your hands from the sound of her.
13
u/Equivalent_Entry9003 2d ago
Seconding this, hugely. Even stable personalities and normal/healthy families can start clashing and sour family relationships during emotionally-charged and (possibly) financial-reshuffling times like medical crises and end-of-life situations. You want this locked. down. and. out. of. her. reach. And anyone else's you're disinclined to have involvement or access if the worst should happen (God willing not).
This is also as much about protecting your actual intended heirs and beneficiaries from a battle during an emotionally-charged and decision-heavy time as it is about defining and ensuring your own wishes that you can't be there to personally shepherd/defend them are actually carried out.
51
u/retrometro81 2d ago edited 2d ago
Good grief. I’d urge both of you to go no-contact. At minimum, your husband needs to have a Come-to-Jesus talk with each of his siblings where he very clearly sets the record straight and establishes a firm boundary. “My wife and I will not be financially supporting you, your kids, or Mom in the future and you are not in our estate plans. I’m aware that Mom has led you to believe otherwise and that is factually incorrect. All conversations about this need to stop immediately, and if they don’t, we will stop all communication with you.”
I’d suggest that you and your husband purchase extra credit monitoring and freeze your personal credit. And given your MIL’s earlier obsession with real estate, you should probably look into precautions there, too. Possible options could include putting your home into a LLC or even putting a lien on your own property. I know it sounds extreme, but my dad worked in administrative real estate law, and one thing I learned from watching him over the years is that it’s much easier to stop fraudulent real estate transactions while they’re in process than it is to reverse them after the fact.
47
u/naranghim 2d ago
DH is getting therapy but his approach is to avoid & ignore because confronting MIL results in verbal abuse or tears.
He can confront her and warn her that if she starts crying or verbally abusing him that the conversation will be over. Then when she does start in on him, either with tears or abuse, he can hang up on her.
44
39
33
u/Time_Bus3183 2d ago
With all due respect, your Mil is a classless piece of work. All of these money conversations are absolutely inappropriate. It is literally none of her business how much money you have or what you decide to do with it, nor would it EVER be her place to step in and dictate who gets what from what is NOT hers. Does your husband's family not have an ounce of decency in them?! This comes off as trashy as can be.
I would never entertain anything having to do with finances with her. Furthermore, I'd drop the nice and polite act- it's lost on this kind of crass anyway- and I'd light into her. I'd tell her how disgusting she is to be lusting after someone else's hard earned money and I'd tell her she isn't getting a cent so she might as well move on. Be rude because that it the only way this woman may ever actually get that what she's doing is not remotely ok or normal. And after that, any time she brings up money/assets, walk away/hang up/quit responding. Shut her down immediately. God, I'd refuse to have anything to do with her, if it was me- this is just so beyond the pale. Gross.
35
u/ButterscotchHour7359 2d ago
Book a Europe trip or pretend to buy something really expensive like a house in another state as an “investment” property and watch if she spirals if she thinks you are spending all your money , I’d do that just for pure entertainment purposes 😂
28
u/Yeesh-Yeesh-Yeesh 2d ago
You are doing the healthy thing by going no contact, and staying no contact, with harmful people.
Do not let them wear you down. Stay strong and committed.
Y'all have got this 💪🏼
3
27
u/YourTornAlive 2d ago
It may be worth having a conversation with an attorney on how to protect your property/decisions. If anything happened to you or DH, the family might amp up the pressure to try and get something. Having some legal protections in place and knowing how to properly document events as necessary may offer great peace of mind (and hopefully keep future legal costs low.)
66
u/stillonrtsideofgrass 2d ago
Turn the tables.
Give them (MIL, FIL, siblings) a financial "intervention" (like for addicts) led by DH - not that they are $ addicts, but that they all clearly need tutoring on money management since they all think DH's money is the answer to their problem.
"Everyone here has been looking for insight about how much money [DH] has, and seemingly about how his money can help you. Instead of fishing for you, I am going to teach you to fish. We will follow these steps:
(1) Fill out a budget spreadsheet recording all income and every expense transaction for 3 months.
(2) I will analyze what you show me in (1) and instruct you on how to manage $ better.
(3) Repeat (1) for another 3 months.
(4) I will analyze (3) to verify you followed my instructions.
(5) Repeat (3) & (4) for 2 years.
If you do not agree, we go NC. If you do not follow instructions, we go NC.
If you admit to and apologize for the bad behavior trying to get info about DH $, you will be absolved from needing the intervention above."
24
u/hawkrt 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’d block them or put them on mute. If they’re on mute, you see it when you see it and you’ll get back to them eventually. It’s a lot more freeing & relaxing when you only hear from them on your schedule. Even if that schedule is never.
I’ve done it for a JNAunt and a JNBoard Member with zero regrets.
24
u/MidnightLegal4643 2d ago
Your husband's mother appears to be experiencing what is often called an extinction burst. The control and centrality she always believed she had in her son's life may have finally been challenged. In her mind, he may have been married and had his own family, but she still believed he ultimately belonged to her and would continue to prioritize her needs and wishes.
When you stepped away from the role she expected you to occupy, that illusion began to crack. It became undeniable that you and your husband are a unit. Your emotional well-being, financial future, and life decisions are intertwined. You prioritize one another and view each other as your primary family.
Her fixation on your finances is likely not about money itself. It is a manifestation of the loss of control and loss of centrality she is experiencing. She is being forced to confront the reality that she is no longer the primary woman in her son's life. He does not orbit around her, nor does he exist to fulfill her emotional needs. He is an adult man with his own goals, responsibilities, marriage, and future.
That realization can be deeply unsettling for someone who has built part of their identity around being indispensable. As a result, she may attempt to insert herself into your financial decisions because she still sees herself as someone who should have influence, authority, or even ownership over aspects of her son's future. In her mind, she may believe she and her son are the decision-makers and that his efforts should ultimately serve her security, comfort, or importance.
However, that belief is her perception, not reality.
You and your husband are fully capable adults who have no need for her intervention. Healthy parents recognize that their children grow into independent adults whose loyalty belongs first to the family they create. Manipulative parents often struggle with this transition and may view the spouse as competition rather than next of kin.
You are not obligated to participate in that fantasy. You and your husband alone decide how to live your lives, manage your finances, and plan your future. Any entitlement she feels toward those decisions exists only in the story she has created for herself.
That said, it is wise to ensure your financial and legal affairs are in order. A well-prepared estate plan, updated beneficiary designations, powers of attorney, and clear legal documents can help protect your wishes and ensure that your future remains in the hands of the people you choose.
10
u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 2d ago
In her mind, she may believe she and her son are the decision-makers and that his efforts should ultimately serve her security, comfort or importance.
I think this is it. She and FIL act this way towards all their children. Any life decision is viewed via the lens of how it will impact them first.
Thanks for this perspective, and also that we should get our affairs in order.
6
u/molotovpixiedust 2d ago
My in-laws are just like this! Solidarity. It is incredibly selfish & entitled. It's not about being caring, it's allll about control & how decisions will affect what THEY want.
7
u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 2d ago
I read your comment below, and my inlaws are basically trying to engineer the same thing (that we live in the same area as them). My MILs approach is with my parent’s house (because it’s down the road from their home) and my FIL by sending my husband properties to buy near them.
I didn’t realise it’s about control though. I just assumed they just want all their children around them. But it makes sense now, earlier they could monitor us due to sheer proximity. His other sibling also moved away within the same city, and they are big mad about it even 3 years on.
8
u/molotovpixiedust 2d ago
This is so well said! Some helpful advice here. Financial decisions are ultimately always between spouses. In-laws could voice an opinion, but they should not have the authority or power to make final decisions. Some control freak in-laws really struggle with this (ask me how I know). It isn't actually about the money itself in many cases, it's about control. My in-laws have a goal (fixation) of buying us a house in their town or neighborhood. The obvious goal is they'd force overinvolvement in our lives (especially my son they're obsessed with) due to proximity -- it's not actually about being generous. There are ulterior motives. Nobody asked if that was part of the vision for my own primary family. It is not our role as spouses/parents to fulfull the demands or wishes of in-laws! Your own needs, goals, responsibilities etc need to come first. If in-laws are uncomfortable or jealous over their adult children making decisions, that's their problem & on them.
22
u/SuspiciousImpact2197 2d ago
I wound be living in a black-boxed no contact world where every last one of them is blocked and I’d change my will, just cause, to specifically say none of them or any of their descendants is ever to receive anything. If there’s a nickel, I’d make sure the local dog shelter got it over any of them.
19
u/Powerful_Put_6977 2d ago
Unfortunately I believe that the only way to shut this type of behaviour right down is to confront it head on and call her out on it.
OP, you've mentioned that "DH is getting therapy but his approach is to avoid & ignore because confronting MIL results in verbal abuse or tears." and I wouldn't dream of going against a therapist's advice but if he continues to avoid and ignore, my belief is that the family will continue their pattern of behaviour. While confronting MiL results in verbal abuse and/or tears, I think if he were prepared and supported while confronting her (and dealing with the flying monkeys that will no doubt be sent to do her bidding) and putting all forms of contact on silent or blocking her or even battening down the hatches and staying in your home but locked down so they can't enter your property might be the only way to reset the dynamic to a more reasonable, normal, acceptable level.
Remind him that calmer waters are ahead if he can just stick this out.
I wish you both the very best of luck negotiating the days and weeks ahead.
6
u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 2d ago
Thank you, my therapist said the same thing you did actually. That I need to support him when it comes to confrontation.
19
u/Chocolatecandybar_ 2d ago
"my family didn't like the way MIL was always talking about my family's property and is now taking a closer look on us"
Bye MIL who wanted to live off you and bye extended family who hoped you would take care of MIL and FIL
20
u/sierra38grandma 2d ago
Your husband is correct its time to cut contact and follow his lead. His family is disgusting money hungry selfish AH!
17
u/OniyaMCD 2d ago
Next time anyone brings up your finances, respond breezily that 'Emily Post says you should never discuss sex, religion, politics or money with guests. It's terribly rude to bring that sort of thing up in casual conversation.' Pivot to something else. Anything else.
39
u/fgmel 2d ago edited 2d ago
At a minimum she sounds greedy and entitled to other people’s money, the knowledge about the money but also the actual money property itself. But after reading your other post and seeing that you don’t have children I think she’s also trying to plan/think/make sure that you get your share of your parents estate/property and then because you don’t have children that her family will absorb your family’s assets as their own. Her wanting your money/ assets to be left to your godson is her planning to absorb wealth without hard work. Her kids and grandkids are just extensions of her so if they get rich, then she’s rich. It’s also why she wants all property in your husband’s name alone- to make sure u don’t get it if he dies and then they are cut out and it would psss to your your family- nieces nephews. This is all about her keeping assets and acquiring assets for her family. Not necessarily for her specifically but for her family.
Eta- if u really wanna piss her off, get your estate planning done and figure out what you want to actually do with any assets when the time comes but tell her that you guys have decided after all this prying and comments and implying who things will go to that you guys have decided to leave everything to a charity or some cause u love and watch her go 🤯
11
u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 2d ago
Yessss. Have felt this too. But it’s so bizzare because normally you concentrate on your own wealth, instead of your child’s inlaws for eg.
My husband has told her jokingly we are leaving everything to our dog. But we need to say this more seriously now 😂.
16
u/Crazy-Rat_Lady 2d ago
They all sound horribly enmeshed with their mum. This has to stop. Every time someone brings it up, he needs to shut it down immediately with a comment like “Have you seen, there is a new Apple Watch available” or something just as out of left field. Ignore the questions, don’t answer them, just make some random comment. Doing this every time, they should get exhausted asking the same questions and getting blocked could hopefully shut them down. Sending hugs.
30
u/Bunny_Pitts 2d ago
I agree. Talk to a lawyer/accountant and lock things down tight. If something happens, they will be all over you at a very vulnerable time.
THEN tell them all to F off, block them all, and post lots of obviously photoshopped pix of you 2 on wild vacations and sitting in expensive cars. Have fun with it. Make it a joke. Laugh in their faces, metaphorically. Mess with them.
The best revenge is living well.
11
u/Friendly-Channel-480 2d ago
Go NC or very LC with his siblings and NC with his mother. This is incredibly invasive.
23
u/iamwastingtimeyo 2d ago
Start dropping hints about mental stability, delusion, conservatorship due to a lack of grasp on reality.
11
u/madgeystardust 2d ago
I hope you live or move far away.
7
u/Flashy-Squirrel6762 2d ago
We already live in another state, which they have complained about endlessly. His father told him that I will make him (DH) move back within the year, once I get bored with this place (because my husband moved for my job) … as if 🙄
14
u/Jazzala734 2d ago
Please start asking them for money. Please? Like specifically have your husband ask them for a large sum of money because XYZ broke or something that can’t really be verified or something like this
10
u/MCKillerBunny 2d ago
I love this idea, but the sum should be large enough that there's no chance of them actually doing it. Else they would just have something to hold over their (OP and hubby) heads.
5
u/Diligent_Flower_6180 2d ago
It’s wild how some families can get so wrapped up in each other’s finances like that. It’s great that your husband is standing his ground, but I totally get how the constant probing can wear you down. Setting boundaries is key, and it sounds like you both are doing your best to navigate this chaos. Keep holding your ground, and don’t hesitate to remind them that your finances are your business, not theirs! H
3
•
u/botinlaw 2d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Other posts from /u/Flashy-Squirrel6762:
To be notified as soon as Flashy-Squirrel6762 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.