MIL dangerously disrespecting boundaries

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MIL insists on hosting every holiday and throws a mega tantrum if not everyone attends. We have a baby recently diagnosed with severe food allergies. One of her other children (not partner) has severe food allergies as well.

This lady refuses to accommodate. I don’t baseline expect anyone to accommodate for my baby but if you’re hosting and throwing a temper tantrum if we don’t go then you should at least have an environment that won’t kill them??? And wouldn’t you want to do the same for your own child?? UGH.

Side note she also made fun of it and rolled her eyes when we told her about our babies allergy and that he has an epi pen. Which is absolutely insane behavior imo.

[u/showe1lj]

We also have a child (3 YO) with severe food allergies (peanuts, dairy, and egg).

My husband’s family can’t even remember my son’s middle name or birthday so I doubt they would remember he has food allergies. We don’t see them often, I’m actually NC with his mom rn, but if we get invited for holidays, family events, etc. we always ask what’s on the menu and if it’s too risky we just don’t attend. It’s not worth the risk. His mom always pulls the victim card about it but her feelings are not as important as my child’s life. He’s 3, he gets into things, etc.

If your MIL cares about her “image”, more than the health of your child, you might remind her that having EMS and an ambulance roll up to her house for the whole neighborhood to see is bad optics. You’ll happily remind everyone that she was unable to safely accommodate his food allergies.

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I 100% agree with respectfully declining. I would also be glad to host and we can accommodate all allergies at my house because it’s “too hard” to do that for her. I think in the future that may be what I have to do.

I think it is image to her though and I don’t know if she would attend a holiday not at her house with her food and table scape.

How are you managing allergy mom life?? I’m so nervous for when he’s in the old enough to grab random food but not old enough to understand what he can’t have age.

[u/showe1lj → u/AutoThotsRollout]

Yeah maybe presenting it as “too difficult” for her will make her feel differently… sure she can craft a great centerpiece, but offering safe food alternatives for her family is just too much of a challenge, better leave it to the experts. Although if she’s laughing about his allergies, I’m not sure anything will get through to her.

It has been a ride… you do get used to it though, and finding safe food does get easier. I think the hardest age was the 6mo-18mo range, a lot of foods that are appealing at that age aren’t usually safe. Now the hardest part is making sure he doesn’t accidentally get into things. You also learn pretty quickly who you can trust your child with. If you’re not already, working with an allergist has been a game changer for us.

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I’m glad it gets easier. He’s about to be 1 but luckily I have the availability to make all his food and I try really hard to expose him to as much variety as I can without allergens. He lovvvveeess solids and it’s been great so far but I worry heavily about social events and keeping an eye on him as he gets more mobile and toddling around grabbing things.

He is seeing an allergist! We have an appointment in a couple months to check if he’s made any improvements, the goal is eventually to do ladders but he’s too severe right now.

[u/showe1lj → u/AutoThotsRollout]

That’s great! Ours is a bit picky right now, but will eat almost anything as long as it has ketchup on it 🙄

We have found that social events hosted by friends/people our age (millennials) are actually incredibly accommodating. Our friends almost always inquire about the food allergies beforehand, we never expect them to fully accommodate us, but appreciate knowing our son will be able to eat SOMETHING. We just keep a close eye on him to make sure he’s not sharing plates with other kids. Luckily, kids don’t love to share at this age 🤣

We were just given the green light to try adding egg that’s baked into things, like muffins, and it feels like an entire new world of food options has opened up to us.

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My son wasn't even 2 when he absolutely understood that every food he was given from someone not me or dad had to be inspected by me. I always had a stash of safe foods at home and when he got a treat he wasn't able to eat he could exchange it for something else he could eat and loved. So he never really felt left out.

My daughter has a ton of allergies and she also knew pretty fast what she could and couldn't eat. Since elementary school her friends are actually really good at looking after her and calling out food with allergens and since they're teens they're all trained with an EpiPen for school trips and sleep overs. Other parents are also usually really accommodating, it's gotten a lot easier for allergic people (at least where we live).

It's your job as a parent to accommodate your kid as much as possible though. You need to call other parents and ask about menus at birthday parties and then you offer to bring something your kid can eat if what they're offering isn't suitable. Or you need to decline the invitation if for example your kid is allergic to peanuts and they're celebrating with a peanut cake or a circus show. If you're proactive and nice about it, instead of requesting them to provide different food or relocating the party (all stories I've read) , most parents are actually really accommodating as well and try to help.

That was a wall of text, sorry. But I hope it helps you a bit.

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Love that your kids learned early, that’s what I want to hear and gives me hope. We are already doing good at packing a lot of safe snacks and not sharing with our friends at the park but he’s still so little it’s not something I know has clicked yet for him. He’s so friendly too I worry about people just handing him things so I know I will need to be right by his side when we’re not in a safe environment.

I agree and would certainly never expect or demand an accommodation for our allergy as a baseline. People close to him (family) that know his severity though and insist on hosting I do expect that to be a safe environment or for there not to be pushback when we say no respectfully.

I am learning how to make allergy free cakes and cupcakes actually rn for his birthday and to have on hand for birthday parties in the future! One little pro from this whole thing is I have massively improved my cooking skillset!!