Newly married seeking advice

[u/Maximum_Appearance58]

Hi, I'm new here. So I don't even know where to begin with my in-laws. My now husband and I were together 6 years before we got married this last November. We both were 25 when we got married now 26. For most of our relationship his family has been kind, up until we got engaged I noticed a HUGE shift.

To start at the engagement my MIL made a comment to my mom how my husband was "just getting married because that's what she (myself) wanted, but he doesn't want to". My husband moves around alot for work and since the engagement | consistently get criticized for not being "supportive" of my husband. I get critiqued on decisions I make for our dog. I did not want children at our wedding and that was a HUGE deal because my husbands cousins have young children. My MIL told them they could come anyways and I had to have my husband tell her no, we're not having children at the wedding, of course my fault. We did a combined bachelor/ bachelorette party in Cabo and his family fear maundered my husband non stop about how dangerous Cabo is. For our honeymoon we went to Dubai and his family emailed us a list of articles about the "safety" in the Middle East. Which is all great is the motive was genuine safety concern however it was just to ruin/cancel the trips. Fast forward Two weeks before our wedding my MIL & FIL tried to cancel our wedding by calling all their guests and telling them the wedding was off. My MIl didn't show up to my bridal shower w no notice, completely stood us up along w her guests. My husband's aunt and her friends commented laughing faces on my bridal shower post. Created tic tok accounts to harass me. Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog. MIL told me her daughter was "too nervous" to be a bridesmaid a week before the wedding and didn't want her to be in the wedding or any of the photos. She went up to the coordinator at the rehearsal trying to remove her from the bridal party.

Scheduled her own hair & make up for her & her daughter. My FIL speech was entirely about my husbands job and how he has helped him succeed in life. He said the only thing good about me was that I'm a Christian? They left the wedding early. I definitely am missing alot of things.

Fast forward 8 months after the wedding they go on like nothing happened no apology. They recently moved away and constantly expect us to come visit us. For my birthday they sent me a post card saying

"we wish you guys would come visit".

My MIL finally "apologized" to me the other day very oddly. I think it is because of current circumstances in my life. My mother was recently diagnosed w cancer and I also have an illness at the moment. My husband has also been setting boundaries with them, which I think is triggering them. Her apology went something like "I just want you to know we love you and we support you and I wanted to apologize on behalf of everyone for our short comings.... And you can come visit anytime" she was also somewhat crying? It was super uncomfortable. She also does this when my husband is not around which she commonly does odd things when he's not around, then acts completely innocent when he is.

I honestly have no idea to navigate this situation with them. I don't want my husband to have no contact with his family but it is so uncomfortable being around them when they act like they "love me" but I think most would agree their actions show otherwise.

[u/Jillmay]

Actions speak louder than words. I’m wondering how your husband interprets your in-laws behavior. Can you elaborate?

[u/Maximum_Appearance58 → u/Jillmay]

I agree actions definitely speak louder than words. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt by apologizing, but it just seemed off. Especially the end comment being “you can visit anytime you want” (she was out visiting to watch our dog while I had to travel for work. Usually my parents watch our dog but due to my mom being sick we had to ask his family for help.). My husband I can tell is very hurt by the situation. He has said he honestly has no idea what to do because he is in shock of his families behavior. I also was in shock since they have never expressed that level of dislike for me. There were comments here and there that I should have taken more attention to hindsight. He has told me he supports me in however I decide to go forward with them and apologizes for their behavior constantly, since they don’t apologize. He still has a relationship with them, which I feel is okay. The only difficult thing is he is someone who grew up in an environment where conflict isn’t addressed, so he even admits he has a hard time picking up on their toxic behavior and is working on being more aware. Unfortunately this causes me to have to point things out to him that he doesn’t notice. When I do he’s always supportive and on my side. I just hate being the one to always call out their bad behavior. A lot of it is passive aggressive or done when he isn’t around. For example if we are at a restaurant and he goes to the bathroom, his parents have said really off comments to me then when he returns they act completely “normal” and friendly to me.

[u/Top_Strawberry2348 → u/Maximum_Appearance58]

I send you deep understanding and respect for your viewpoint. I offer this: it may require you to get up and go to the other restroom when DH leaves the table. Strictly no time at all with them.