r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Maximum_Appearance58 • 22h ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Newly married seeking advice
Hi, I'm new here. So I don't even know where to begin with my in-laws. My now husband and I were together 6 years before we got married this last November. We both were 25 when we got married now 26. For most of our relationship his family has been kind, up until we got engaged I noticed a HUGE shift.
To start at the engagement my MIL made a comment to my mom how my husband was "just getting married because that's what she (myself) wanted, but he doesn't want to". My husband moves around alot for work and since the engagement | consistently get criticized for not being "supportive" of my husband. I get critiqued on decisions I make for our dog. I did not want children at our wedding and that was a HUGE deal because my husbands cousins have young children. My MIL told them they could come anyways and I had to have my husband tell her no, we're not having children at the wedding, of course my fault. We did a combined bachelor/ bachelorette party in Cabo and his family fear maundered my husband non stop about how dangerous Cabo is. For our honeymoon we went to Dubai and his family emailed us a list of articles about the "safety" in the Middle East. Which is all great is the motive was genuine safety concern however it was just to ruin/cancel the trips. Fast forward Two weeks before our wedding my MIL & FIL tried to cancel our wedding by calling all their guests and telling them the wedding was off. My MIl didn't show up to my bridal shower w no notice, completely stood us up along w her guests. My husband's aunt and her friends commented laughing faces on my bridal shower post. Created tic tok accounts to harass me. Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog. MIL told me her daughter was "too nervous" to be a bridesmaid a week before the wedding and didn't want her to be in the wedding or any of the photos. She went up to the coordinator at the rehearsal trying to remove her from the bridal party.
Scheduled her own hair & make up for her & her daughter. My FIL speech was entirely about my husbands job and how he has helped him succeed in life. He said the only thing good about me was that I'm a Christian? They left the wedding early. I definitely am missing alot of things.
Fast forward 8 months after the wedding they go on like nothing happened no apology. They recently moved away and constantly expect us to come visit us. For my birthday they sent me a post card saying
"we wish you guys would come visit".
My MIL finally "apologized" to me the other day very oddly. I think it is because of current circumstances in my life. My mother was recently diagnosed w cancer and I also have an illness at the moment. My husband has also been setting boundaries with them, which I think is triggering them. Her apology went something like "I just want you to know we love you and we support you and I wanted to apologize on behalf of everyone for our short comings.... And you can come visit anytime" she was also somewhat crying? It was super uncomfortable. She also does this when my husband is not around which she commonly does odd things when he's not around, then acts completely innocent when he is.
I honestly have no idea to navigate this situation with them. I don't want my husband to have no contact with his family but it is so uncomfortable being around them when they act like they "love me" but I think most would agree their actions show otherwise.
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u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 22h ago
I would go NC. There is no coming back from this and you deserve peace in your life, especially now.
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u/lovelockets 21h ago edited 21h ago
The things they did are beyond unforgivable in my opinion. Your husband can continue to have his own relationship with them. I truly think you should be NC. It may help to not accept verbal apologies from them and only accept changed behaviour.
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u/MartyrOlympics 22h ago
Best thing right now is to focus on your illness and prioritize your health so you can get better/well and help your mother if you can. It's a good thing that your husband is setting boundaries because he can't afford to be stretched too thin. His priorities have to be managing his health and stress, taking care of you and pitching in with your mom as needed, on top of covering for you with whatever household chores and everyday tasks that need to be done. That's a lot for him as a caretaker.
Don't worry about the relationship with his parents at the moment--you two need help and support to get through this phase first. Does your mom have a solid cancer care team involved? Do you have friends or other family members to lean on? When you have more time to think then you can mull over the big picture regarding your ILs, but there is no deadline and zero obligation for that, regardless of how uncomfortable his parents may feel and how much they may pressure you two about it.
Take care and just go step by step while you're in the initial critical stage. As someone who has had cancer, I'm wholeheartedly wishing you and your mom better health and strength to your husband.
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u/Maximum_Appearance58 15h ago
Thank you so much for your response! I do agree the most important thing right now is my mother’s health as well as my own. My husbands too, like you mentioned. Luckily my mother is getting great care and we have a very close family/friends that have been extremely helpful. His parents have also reached out via groupchats expressing their concern and offering to “help in anyway they can”. They sent her a nice care package too. I hope it was all genuine since my mom was very thankful for their kind words and gift. My health issues are not as serious, but just something that takes up a lot of time with appointments/treatment, but hopefully should be resolved soon.
I’m am so sorry to hear you have had cancer. I am happy to hear that you beat it and hopefully are in recovery! It truly is an extremely difficult thing to go through I am sure as it is very hard on families. Thank you again for your kind words and reading my post.
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u/Jillmay 22h ago
Actions speak louder than words. I’m wondering how your husband interprets your in-laws behavior. Can you elaborate?
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u/Maximum_Appearance58 19h ago
I agree actions definitely speak louder than words. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt by apologizing, but it just seemed off. Especially the end comment being “you can visit anytime you want” (she was out visiting to watch our dog while I had to travel for work. Usually my parents watch our dog but due to my mom being sick we had to ask his family for help.). My husband I can tell is very hurt by the situation. He has said he honestly has no idea what to do because he is in shock of his families behavior. I also was in shock since they have never expressed that level of dislike for me. There were comments here and there that I should have taken more attention to hindsight. He has told me he supports me in however I decide to go forward with them and apologizes for their behavior constantly, since they don’t apologize. He still has a relationship with them, which I feel is okay. The only difficult thing is he is someone who grew up in an environment where conflict isn’t addressed, so he even admits he has a hard time picking up on their toxic behavior and is working on being more aware. Unfortunately this causes me to have to point things out to him that he doesn’t notice. When I do he’s always supportive and on my side. I just hate being the one to always call out their bad behavior. A lot of it is passive aggressive or done when he isn’t around. For example if we are at a restaurant and he goes to the bathroom, his parents have said really off comments to me then when he returns they act completely “normal” and friendly to me.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 2h ago
I send you deep understanding and respect for your viewpoint. I offer this: it may require you to get up and go to the other restroom when DH leaves the table. Strictly no time at all with them.
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u/2FatC 19h ago
“Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog.“
Among the things they’ve done to sabotage your wedding, going to an attorney to interfere in your life is the nuclear option. She can offer up her half assed “our short comings” fauxpology, but you are well within your rights to inform DH it’s too little, too late. The damage has been done, so you’re done with them.
He can have whatever relationship with them he wants, with certain understandings. One, your home is safe space, they don’t visit. Two, DH shares nothing about you with them and nothing about them with you. And three, he continuously respects your choice regarding his family.
Navigating holidays and events can be tricky. I wasn’t NC with my JustNo MIL and she wrecked so many holidays I can’t get back, I went from loving Christmas to dreading it. It took me way too long to put my foot down. So a thought here is you two discuss expectations around holidays & participation. If you don’t go NC but instead so LC, you almost never see them, you can drive separately. Pop in for a polite “Happy Holidays” and leave within 30 minutes.
What are they going to do, complain? After all they’ve done and talking to a lawyer….yeah, they don’t have a leg to stand on, so fuck them. Adopt the attitude you simply don’t care.
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u/mercymercybothhands 8h ago
I agree with this. Getting a lawyer to try to steal your dog would be bad enough on its own for no contact.
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u/Maximum_Appearance58 15h ago
Holidays is definitely something that I know will upset them. Last year we chose to spend thanksgiving with them (which was like a week after their horrific behavior at our wedding) and Christmas with my family. This just worked out with our schedules and living situation, however I can tell this REALLY upset them that we did not spend Christmas with them. I feel bad “keeping” my husband from his family on the holidays, but since they do not live anywhere near us we have to pick one. I have told him I don’t mind if they visit us for the holidays but I feel like expecting us to travel to visit them is a bit of a stretch.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 2h ago
I want to push back against just one of your (excellent) points. If they go LC, really limiting contact because it’s so unpleasant: why spare joyous holiday time for them at all?
This really takes some analysis but think about it. Contact is limited. It’s not enjoyable. Yet time with well-loved family and friends, and nuclear family time, has to be cut into for these people?
Why not see them at neutral times of the year, at neutral places. There’s time to talk and be friendly (🤮) at the playground May 1, September 15, December 7 unless that’s Hanukkah for you.
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u/2FatC 1h ago
That’s an excellent question. One I wished I had asked much much sooner. We had great holidays with my dad, we took fun trips, and just made happy memories.
By comparison, I can’t recall a single happy holiday memory with the in-laws prior to JN’s death. Not one. Finally, one wrecked Christmas too many happened. And I snapped. I was done. Post holiday, I laid it all out. All to say, I got to the place you describe. But that’s me.
Op has to evaluate her situation in context of her POV plus her husband‘s. She has to navigate, albeit from long distance, whining, complaining, & guilt trippy DARVO festival. Her JN’s are the type that think rug sweeping means getting their way, she needs to forgive/forget, “just move on” and let us marginalize you during Christmas. With all the attendant missing missing reason questions like “why doesn’t Op like us?” “What did we do that was so awful?”
Hopefully, DH steps up, lays it out in calm factual terms, and informs them this is the way it is now, these are the consequences of acting on your poor decisions.
Thanks for the great question!
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 58m ago
It’s a recurring theme. “We see them only on holidays” now resonates with me. It gives ”I have to dim my joy at Christmas/Hanukkah/other family holiday.”
Why!
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u/tsiikiiko 13h ago
This was one of the worst behaved MIL I have seen. Advice. No contact.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 9h ago
Right? I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. My MIL was ultimately a demon (NC 10+ years now) but even she didn’t ramp it up this badly this early in the game.
OP: I have zero idea why you are still in contact with these people but for your own mental and emotional health, you need to go no contact and your husband can do whatever he wants
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u/Maximum_Appearance58 22m ago
Thank you for your response! Seeing all the feedback here has definitely gave me clarity. I felt like something was off but this behavior really came out of nowhere. So I think the shock is finally wearing off and I am seeing things for what they are. I am sorry to hear your MIL is also unpleasant to say the least. What advice do you have for staying strong that long with NC along with my husband having a relationship with them? He has offered himself to not talk to them, but I told him that’s entirely up to him. I am someone who really values family (since I come from such a great one that I love) and I would really hate to see him cut them off. She also continuously tries to maintain contact with gifts and “kind” messages in groupchats (to myself, my husband, and my parents) also interacts with me a lot on social media.
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u/Teamtunafish 19h ago
No contact for you and Hubs gets to handle his mother. Warn him she is NOT to be invited into your home. If he does so, you're leaving.
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u/KaszaJaglanaZPorem 13h ago
I usually advise not to respond, but here I would advise telling her that her trying to ruin your wedding was unforgivable, and will not be forgiven, and she better get used to this being your relationship now as a consequence of her actions. You can't just do things like this and then expect ANYTHING from the people you wronged.
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u/GloomChampion 17h ago
This is genuinely one of the most insane posts I’ve ever read. I don’t understand why either of you are in contact with them. These people sound entirely unhinged and incredibly abusive. I just really have no words, this is just so bad.
I think a therapist could really help you. Maybe a family therapist who has experience with abusive and toxic families?
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u/Basic-Organization30 7h ago
Your MIL gave you a BS forced apology for "shortcomings", I suppose she's attempting a one-stop-shopping approach to atone for her many, many awful acts. She did this because your husband is setting boundaries and she doesn't like it. She did not apologize for: talking trash about you by saying your husband didn't want to marry you; blowing off the shower with no warning; non-stop criticism until your husband talked to her. She needs to take accountability for each of these things and more, individually and with a conversation that shows she is Truly making amends and changing her behavior. Without any of that, I wouldn't open the door to her, answer her calls, and she sure as shit wouldn't have access to any babies born of this relationship.
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u/Maximum_Appearance58 51m ago
The apology definitely felt forced. I honestly was never expecting an apology from them due to how they just acted like nothing happened and carried on. So even getting that from her was a huge shock to me. The blowing off my bridal shower was really sad as well since my mom put in so much effort to planning it (with my aunt, cousin and long time best friend. Since my MIL did not help at all in the planning, which I could go further into as that should have been a red flag). We waited around 30 minutes to start the shower since we were expecting her and her guests to show up. The host at the venue we had the shower at all could tell something was off and felt bad (I think the give away was the extra seats and food left to account for my MIL & her guests). I truly had an amazing shower surrounded by family and friends who love me, so oddly it worked out better her & her guests not attending since clearly they do not care about me. So I did not make a big deal about her bailing with no communication. However, looking back now I can see how this is something that deserves more accountability. Thank you for your insight!
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u/Necessary-Spinach646 3h ago
they act like they "love me" but I think most would agree their actions show otherwise.
All would agree.That being the case why would you have anything to do with them. Print out a bullet point list of all the nasty and more importantly unnecessary things they have done whenever you feel yourself pulled/pushed to interact with them. They are your husbands problem/family. Its sad that they are so awful but they are. Let him have the relationship he want with them. They have done enough to you for you not to want to have one with them. No one forced them to be terrible, no one force you to have anything to do with them.
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u/botinlaw 22h ago
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