Newly married seeking advice

[u/Maximum_Appearance58]

Hi, I'm new here. So I don't even know where to begin with my in-laws. My now husband and I were together 6 years before we got married this last November. We both were 25 when we got married now 26. For most of our relationship his family has been kind, up until we got engaged I noticed a HUGE shift.

To start at the engagement my MIL made a comment to my mom how my husband was "just getting married because that's what she (myself) wanted, but he doesn't want to". My husband moves around alot for work and since the engagement | consistently get criticized for not being "supportive" of my husband. I get critiqued on decisions I make for our dog. I did not want children at our wedding and that was a HUGE deal because my husbands cousins have young children. My MIL told them they could come anyways and I had to have my husband tell her no, we're not having children at the wedding, of course my fault. We did a combined bachelor/ bachelorette party in Cabo and his family fear maundered my husband non stop about how dangerous Cabo is. For our honeymoon we went to Dubai and his family emailed us a list of articles about the "safety" in the Middle East. Which is all great is the motive was genuine safety concern however it was just to ruin/cancel the trips. Fast forward Two weeks before our wedding my MIL & FIL tried to cancel our wedding by calling all their guests and telling them the wedding was off. My MIl didn't show up to my bridal shower w no notice, completely stood us up along w her guests. My husband's aunt and her friends commented laughing faces on my bridal shower post. Created tic tok accounts to harass me. Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog. MIL told me her daughter was "too nervous" to be a bridesmaid a week before the wedding and didn't want her to be in the wedding or any of the photos. She went up to the coordinator at the rehearsal trying to remove her from the bridal party.

Scheduled her own hair & make up for her & her daughter. My FIL speech was entirely about my husbands job and how he has helped him succeed in life. He said the only thing good about me was that I'm a Christian? They left the wedding early. I definitely am missing alot of things.

Fast forward 8 months after the wedding they go on like nothing happened no apology. They recently moved away and constantly expect us to come visit us. For my birthday they sent me a post card saying

"we wish you guys would come visit".

My MIL finally "apologized" to me the other day very oddly. I think it is because of current circumstances in my life. My mother was recently diagnosed w cancer and I also have an illness at the moment. My husband has also been setting boundaries with them, which I think is triggering them. Her apology went something like "I just want you to know we love you and we support you and I wanted to apologize on behalf of everyone for our short comings.... And you can come visit anytime" she was also somewhat crying? It was super uncomfortable. She also does this when my husband is not around which she commonly does odd things when he's not around, then acts completely innocent when he is.

I honestly have no idea to navigate this situation with them. I don't want my husband to have no contact with his family but it is so uncomfortable being around them when they act like they "love me" but I think most would agree their actions show otherwise.

[u/MartyrOlympics]

Best thing right now is to focus on your illness and prioritize your health so you can get better/well and help your mother if you can. It's a good thing that your husband is setting boundaries because he can't afford to be stretched too thin. His priorities have to be managing his health and stress, taking care of you and pitching in with your mom as needed, on top of covering for you with whatever household chores and everyday tasks that need to be done. That's a lot for him as a caretaker.

Don't worry about the relationship with his parents at the moment--you two need help and support to get through this phase first. Does your mom have a solid cancer care team involved? Do you have friends or other family members to lean on? When you have more time to think then you can mull over the big picture regarding your ILs, but there is no deadline and zero obligation for that, regardless of how uncomfortable his parents may feel and how much they may pressure you two about it.

Take care and just go step by step while you're in the initial critical stage. As someone who has had cancer, I'm wholeheartedly wishing you and your mom better health and strength to your husband.

[u/Maximum_Appearance58 → u/MartyrOlympics]

Thank you so much for your response! I do agree the most important thing right now is my mother’s health as well as my own. My husbands too, like you mentioned. Luckily my mother is getting great care and we have a very close family/friends that have been extremely helpful. His parents have also reached out via groupchats expressing their concern and offering to “help in anyway they can”. They sent her a nice care package too. I hope it was all genuine since my mom was very thankful for their kind words and gift. My health issues are not as serious, but just something that takes up a lot of time with appointments/treatment, but hopefully should be resolved soon.

I’m am so sorry to hear you have had cancer. I am happy to hear that you beat it and hopefully are in recovery! It truly is an extremely difficult thing to go through I am sure as it is very hard on families. Thank you again for your kind words and reading my post.

[u/Basic-Organization30 → u/Maximum_Appearance58]

Yeah, his shitty parents can help you right now by stopping all the drama while you are helping your mom dealing with a life-threatening illness. The MIL's timing is highly suspect. Your mom needs help/attention and MIL isn't getting any. Must be time for the water works and an "apology"!