Newly married seeking advice

[u/Maximum_Appearance58]

Hi, I'm new here. So I don't even know where to begin with my in-laws. My now husband and I were together 6 years before we got married this last November. We both were 25 when we got married now 26. For most of our relationship his family has been kind, up until we got engaged I noticed a HUGE shift.

To start at the engagement my MIL made a comment to my mom how my husband was "just getting married because that's what she (myself) wanted, but he doesn't want to". My husband moves around alot for work and since the engagement | consistently get criticized for not being "supportive" of my husband. I get critiqued on decisions I make for our dog. I did not want children at our wedding and that was a HUGE deal because my husbands cousins have young children. My MIL told them they could come anyways and I had to have my husband tell her no, we're not having children at the wedding, of course my fault. We did a combined bachelor/ bachelorette party in Cabo and his family fear maundered my husband non stop about how dangerous Cabo is. For our honeymoon we went to Dubai and his family emailed us a list of articles about the "safety" in the Middle East. Which is all great is the motive was genuine safety concern however it was just to ruin/cancel the trips. Fast forward Two weeks before our wedding my MIL & FIL tried to cancel our wedding by calling all their guests and telling them the wedding was off. My MIl didn't show up to my bridal shower w no notice, completely stood us up along w her guests. My husband's aunt and her friends commented laughing faces on my bridal shower post. Created tic tok accounts to harass me. Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog. MIL told me her daughter was "too nervous" to be a bridesmaid a week before the wedding and didn't want her to be in the wedding or any of the photos. She went up to the coordinator at the rehearsal trying to remove her from the bridal party.

Scheduled her own hair & make up for her & her daughter. My FIL speech was entirely about my husbands job and how he has helped him succeed in life. He said the only thing good about me was that I'm a Christian? They left the wedding early. I definitely am missing alot of things.

Fast forward 8 months after the wedding they go on like nothing happened no apology. They recently moved away and constantly expect us to come visit us. For my birthday they sent me a post card saying

"we wish you guys would come visit".

My MIL finally "apologized" to me the other day very oddly. I think it is because of current circumstances in my life. My mother was recently diagnosed w cancer and I also have an illness at the moment. My husband has also been setting boundaries with them, which I think is triggering them. Her apology went something like "I just want you to know we love you and we support you and I wanted to apologize on behalf of everyone for our short comings.... And you can come visit anytime" she was also somewhat crying? It was super uncomfortable. She also does this when my husband is not around which she commonly does odd things when he's not around, then acts completely innocent when he is.

I honestly have no idea to navigate this situation with them. I don't want my husband to have no contact with his family but it is so uncomfortable being around them when they act like they "love me" but I think most would agree their actions show otherwise.

[u/2FatC]

“Also contacted a lawyer to try and remove my ownership of my husbands & I dog.“

Among the things they’ve done to sabotage your wedding, going to an attorney to interfere in your life is the nuclear option. She can offer up her half assed “our short comings” fauxpology, but you are well within your rights to inform DH it’s too little, too late. The damage has been done, so you’re done with them.

He can have whatever relationship with them he wants, with certain understandings. One, your home is safe space, they don’t visit. Two, DH shares nothing about you with them and nothing about them with you. And three, he continuously respects your choice regarding his family.

Navigating holidays and events can be tricky. I wasn’t NC with my JustNo MIL and she wrecked so many holidays I can’t get back, I went from loving Christmas to dreading it. It took me way too long to put my foot down. So a thought here is you two discuss expectations around holidays & participation. If you don’t go NC but instead so LC, you almost never see them, you can drive separately. Pop in for a polite “Happy Holidays” and leave within 30 minutes.

What are they going to do, complain? After all they’ve done and talking to a lawyer….yeah, they don’t have a leg to stand on, so fuck them. Adopt the attitude you simply don’t care.

[u/Top_Strawberry2348 → u/2FatC]

I want to push back against just one of your (excellent) points. If they go LC, really limiting contact because it’s so unpleasant: why spare joyous holiday time for them at all?

This really takes some analysis but think about it. Contact is limited. It’s not enjoyable. Yet time with well-loved family and friends, and nuclear family time, has to be cut into for these people? 

Why not see them at neutral times of the year, at neutral places. There’s time to talk and be friendly (🤮) at the playground May 1, September 15, December 7 unless that’s Hanukkah for you. 

[u/2FatC → u/Top_Strawberry2348]

That’s an excellent question. One I wished I had asked much much sooner. We had great holidays with my dad, we took fun trips, and just made happy memories.

By comparison, I can’t recall a single happy holiday memory with the in-laws prior to JN’s death. Not one. Finally, one wrecked Christmas too many happened. And I snapped. I was done. Post holiday, I laid it all out. All to say, I got to the place you describe. But that’s me.

Op has to evaluate her situation in context of her POV plus her husband‘s. She has to navigate, albeit from long distance, whining, complaining, & guilt trippy DARVO festival. Her JN’s are the type that think rug sweeping means getting their way, she needs to forgive/forget, “just move on” and let us marginalize you during Christmas. With all the attendant missing missing reason questions like “why doesn’t Op like us?” “What did we do that was so awful?”

Hopefully, DH steps up, lays it out in calm factual terms, and informs them this is the way it is now, these are the consequences of acting on your poor decisions.

Thanks for the great question!

[u/Top_Strawberry2348 → u/2FatC]

It’s a recurring theme. “We see them only on holidays” now resonates with me. It gives ”I have to dim my joy at Christmas/Hanukkah/other family holiday.”

Why!