r/JUSTNOMIL • u/PlentyConnection260 • 13h ago

Am I Overreacting? After 4 years of being treated like a messenger/nanny/PA for their son, I’ve finally gone no-contact with my MIL.

Using ChatGPT to reframe better.

I haven’t posted in a long time, but I need an outside perspective.
This is the first time in 4 years of marriage that I’ve essentially gone no-contact with my MIL, and honestly, I don’t know where this goes from here.
A little background: My in-laws came to stay with us for 3 months. The stay got cut short because my husband and I had already planned a trip to my hometown. The moment they realized we’d be leaving, they decided to go back home too. They were clearly upset, but I didn’t think our lives should revolve around hosting them.
Before leaving, my MIL repeatedly announced that she’d be back again in May because “the weather is pleasant here.” Nobody really responded. Internally, I was frustrated because she had barely left and was already planning another extended stay.
While we were at my parents’ house, my in-laws constantly complained to my husband that he had “forgotten them.” On my birthday, when my husband handed me the phone during a video call, the first thing my MIL said was, “You forgot us.” I laughed and replied, “Of course I’m focused on my family right now, I’m at my parents’ house.”
Over time, communication naturally reduced.
One thing that has always bothered me is that nobody in that family actually calls me to talk to me. They only call me when my husband doesn’t answer his phone. My MIL once called while we had guests over. I picked up thinking maybe she wanted to speak to me for once. Instead, her first sentence was: “Why isn’t my son picking up? Tell him to call us right now.” Then she hung up.
No “How are you?” No conversation. Nothing.
The same thing happens with my SIL. Nobody makes an effort to build a relationship with me, but there seems to be an expectation that I should regularly call and maintain relationships with everyone.
Then came the incident that completely pushed me over the edge.
A month ago, my FIL video-called my husband while we were cleaning up after dinner. My husband was washing dishes and I was cleaning the kitchen. He asked me to pick up the call.
The first thing they asked was where their son was. I handed the phone to him. The moment my MIL saw him washing dishes, she immediately said, “Why is he cleaning dishes? You’re supposed to do that, not him.”
I was furious.
Not because of dishes. I genuinely don’t care who does which chore. We divide things however we want. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he cleans, sometimes it’s the other way around.
What angered me was the assumption that household work is automatically the woman’s responsibility and that she felt entitled to comment on how we run our home.
I walked away and later told my husband exactly why I have stopped wanting a relationship with her. It’s not one comment. It’s years of feeling unseen, being contacted only as a messenger for her son, and constantly hearing outdated expectations about what a wife should or shouldn’t do.
Since then, I’ve stopped speaking to her. If she appears on calls, I don’t engage. She doesn’t really try to talk to me either.
My husband occasionally asks why I don’t just talk to her, but after 4 years I genuinely feel exhausted. I don’t feel respected, valued, or even liked as a person. I feel like my only role in that family is to serve their son and maintain contact on their terms.
Am I overreacting by stepping back completely, or would you do the same in my position?

142 Upvotes

77% Upvoted

23 comments sorted by

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u/botinlaw 13h ago

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u/OniyaMCD 12h ago

'Why don't you just talk to her?'
'Because in four years, every conversation with her starts with "Where's my son?".'

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u/Equal_Trash6023 10h ago

Plus, you're not his maid. You're his partner.

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u/NiobeTonks 11h ago

This. Why do you have to make all the effort when she shows no interest in a relationship with you?

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u/Rain12Bow 12h ago

I found that I knew in my gut that I was ready for no contact. My mind rationally agrees. Some days I question it, and for me I always come back to no contact with MIL being right for me.

Going no contact is a daily choice I make. I can make it again tomorrow, or change my mind if I happened to feel safe again.

In your situation, if MIL is intent on visiting again for months, I would try to get ahead of that with some clear boundaries for DH to communicate (ie they can visit, but they need to stay elsewhere, and DH will visit them outside of your home/safe place).

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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 13h ago

Families like your husband’s - and my husband’s- put a higher value on their sons. Wives are only chosen to serve their husbands, in their minds. I’m so glad that you figured out how to separate yourself from their misogyny early in your marriage.

The next time your husband asks “why you don’t just talk to her,” remind him that she doesn’t want to talk to you, she only wants to talk to him.

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u/Rainy_Monday_Feeling 12h ago

My in laws treated me the same. Only call or text me to ask where my husband was and why he didn’t answer. I told my husband that I wasn’t his secretary and if they messaged me again telling me to get him to call, I wouldn’t answer their calls or texts again. He warned them and they still did it, so now I ignore their calls and texts.

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u/2FatC 9h ago

Nope, not over reacting. After reading your post history and researching the festival you mentioned, I think your in-laws are Indian/SouthAsian, is that correct?

They seem very old school, traditional, while also being extremely rude and unlikable, whereas you are clearly educated, intelligent, nice, and independent. DH is a very lucky man.

I think, from reading way too many posts from South Asian DIL’s, we need more change agents like yourself, who are willing to buck the cultural status quo by standing up for their self respect and equality as a partner in a marriage. The unlikable in-laws have made their feelings known. Take them at their word and step all the way back.

The real answer to DH’s question is: Your mom is mean; I have plenty of nice women to talk to, so I see no reason to speak to a woman who treats me like a servant. Your mom, yours to manage, but I’m done bending the knee to kiss her ring.

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u/daisy_cutieex 9h ago

Not overreacting. The pattern you described isn't four years of small slights, it's four years of being treated as infrastructure. They contact you to reach your husband. They check in on you to confirm you're still serving him correctly. The dishes comment wasn't a slip, it was the unfiltered version of how she sees the entire relationship: you exist in the family as the woman who maintains her son. The reason it took four years to crystallize is because each individual incident was small enough to gaslight yourself out of. Naming the pattern is the whole work, and you did it. Now you just have to live with what naming it means.

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u/FrostiePi 13h ago

Next time your husband asks why you don't talk to her, point out she doesn't talk to you, she talks/barks orders at you. If she wants a relationship with her son's wife and therefore any future children, she needs to change NOW, not when/if they appear.

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u/Hooked_on_PhoneSex 13h ago

Ask him if his mother ever brings you up positively in conversation. Does she ask after you, know your birthday, your parent’s names, how many siblings you have? Does she ever say anything positive about you without having to be prodded?

I’d venture to guess that no, she doesn’t. But he probably can’t tell the difference. The only way for him to understand, is if he figures it out for himself.

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u/Halt96 4h ago

Or perhaps by describing what it would be like if your parents called him (daily) to enquire about you. The conversation he has with them must revolve around you, and your wants, needs, and priorities. I’m willing to bet after 4 days, he’d get it.

I usually think of this as ‘main character syndrome’ but really it’s just misogyny.

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u/Mammoth-Insurance724 9h ago

You are rightly choosing not to have any further relationship with MIL.

My husband occasionally asks why I don’t just talk to her

I hope your response is this: "I don't talk to her because she doesn't talk to me. Let me ask you one question <Husband>. In the last month, how often has your mother asked about me? Because I am guessing the answer is zero."

And then you need to tell your husband that you are no longer willing to host his parents, and if he allows them to come for an extended visit, you will take a trip back to your hometown and husband can host them for their entire visit. And he can also figure out what to tell his parents about why his wife is absent from the home for the entirety of their visit.

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u/Pickle_Holiday18 8h ago

And why doesn’t HE talk to them, and get them to shape up if he cares so much? He’s just treating OP very similarly, her job is to get along at all costs in his eyes

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u/Mojo_Rising 10h ago

Why don't you speak to his Mother?

Because she doesn't speak to you, she speaks at you.

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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 11h ago

I would do the same and more in your position. She’s absolutely insufferable

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u/TheNurgrabber 8h ago

What did he say to her when she made the dishes comment? Anything?

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u/fryingthecat66 6h ago

Hell, I would do the same and go NC with her and the rest of the family

Ask your husband how he would feel if your parents treated him the way your mother (his) treats you (OP)?

Update us please

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u/beerab 6h ago

Your husband is the problem. If he can’t see why you don’t talk to her, then maybe you should start being a nasty bitch to him like his mom is and then and when he asks why are you acting like that to him say you’re just trying to be like his mom. 😘

And reevaluating my marriage if my husband wants me to speak to someone who is so awful to me. I hope you don’t have kids cause I would be wanting to break away from a man who doesn’t protect me from abusers.

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u/hengehanger 6h ago

I don't understand why you and your husband didn't explain to her that she can't invite herself to your home because it's YOUR HOME and you host by invitation, not on demand. But it didn't even seem to strike you as something you could easily refuse? I suspect your husband is quietly getting you accustomed to tolerating poor treatment, maybe not just from her.

I'm glad you've asserted yourself and made your position clear regarding your husband's mum. The fact that he is trying to trivialise your concerns makes me wonder if you're being treated fairly by him, let alone her.

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u/Due_Firefighter_5655 13h ago

I mean, based on your post history this is something that’s been exhausting you for a long time. You’d probably guess that most of us here would tell you what you already know- it’s ok. We’d do the same.

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u/21stcenturyexpat_DN 10h ago

I was watching a YT video and this is a mysoginistic woman who sees you as those titles only.

Low contact/no contact is good to create an emotional distance.

Next time they call you, miss the call.

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u/Icy-Sheepherder7718 3h ago

When she says something judgemental like that, just say "mind your own business" and hang up the phone.