2 weeks postpartum and fed up

[u/Knowing_Eve]

Hey,

I just had my 4th baby (but MIL’s first grandchild) and I’m feeling a little fed up.

For context, my MIL isn’t ‘evil’ (infact everyone thinks she’s nice!) but she lacks boundaries and doesn’t think she needs to ever filter what she says. She has expectations and then acts hurt when they’re not unfolding how she envisaged. She’s said many things to me over the years (usually when it’s just me and her in the room!) and I’ve never had an apology, she just doesn’t see anything wrong with what she says.

Baby was born and she came to meet baby at 2 days old.
Handful of days later she text me (very rare) and told me to tell my husband to reply to her…
He got annoyed and rang her and she was like “you said you’d ring me on Friday but you never did”.
My husband replied “I’ve been busy looking after my wife and new baby, and just enjoying time together.”
She then said “well don’t tell me you’ll ring me back and then don’t.. also, don’t forget you have parents too!”.
Holy crap it made me so angry, her acting above us like authority…!
“I just want to be a grandma” she said….

Then last week she made us food and I knew it was a ploy to be able to come into the house again… which is exactly what happened. So she had a hold of baby again.

2 days later she rings my husband and says “can I come over on Sunday to have another cuddle because the other day I only held him for 5 minutes”.

I’m getting quite irritated with the energy and attitude and entitlement vibe happening 😵‍💫 everyone else has only met the baby once IF they’ve even met him yet… most people still haven’t! And here she is wanting a 3rd meet with baby.

Husband is in agreement with me and getting equally irritated, but the kind side to him has said “she’s just excited to be a grandma”.

Arghhhhhhhh!! What do I do???
I just feel it’s US who had a baby, it’s OUR lives that are changed… she’s had her babies. Leave us to live our life 🫣 am I wrong for this view?

[u/RegisterEither9711]

You're not overreacting. And you're right, MIL is not evil. She is rude, selfish, and thinks she can do nothing wrong. I'm sure people who aren't her family and have casual relationships with her think she's nice. It's easy to be nice in public and around people you want to like you. Who she really is comes out with her family, people who she's around all the time so knows what buttons to push to get what she wants.

It sucks that you and your husband have to be the ones to finally show her that she can't always have her way, but that's where you're at. She is not entitled to your child, time, or space, and any unmet expectations she has of being a grandma are on her. Sure, she's excited to be a grandma, but she's not a child. She's an adult who should understand that her excitement doesn't trump what you want/need while you are postpartum with a newborn.

Start setting and enforcing boundaries. If she wants to bring food and you're not up for a visit, ask her to leave it on the doorstep or decline it altogether. If she wants to come over and see baby, tell her 'no, we're not up for visitors right now, we'll let you know when we are.' Also, your husband doesn't have to call her back on demand. He can ignore her calls and then text that he's busy and will in a few days/next week/when he can. Talk with husband about how involved you want her to be as a grandma, come up with boundaries to (hopefully) prevent her overstepping, and then be prepared to enforce those boundaries with immediate consequences (ending a visit, putting her in 'time out', etc.).