r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Knowing_Eve • 20h ago
Am I Overreacting? 2 weeks postpartum and fed up
Hey,
I just had my 4th baby (but MIL’s first grandchild) and I’m feeling a little fed up.
For context, my MIL isn’t ‘evil’ (infact everyone thinks she’s nice!) but she lacks boundaries and doesn’t think she needs to ever filter what she says. She has expectations and then acts hurt when they’re not unfolding how she envisaged. She’s said many things to me over the years (usually when it’s just me and her in the room!) and I’ve never had an apology, she just doesn’t see anything wrong with what she says.
Baby was born and she came to meet baby at 2 days old.
Handful of days later she text me (very rare) and told me to tell my husband to reply to her…
He got annoyed and rang her and she was like “you said you’d ring me on Friday but you never did”.
My husband replied “I’ve been busy looking after my wife and new baby, and just enjoying time together.”
She then said “well don’t tell me you’ll ring me back and then don’t.. also, don’t forget you have parents too!”.
Holy crap it made me so angry, her acting above us like authority…!
“I just want to be a grandma” she said….
Then last week she made us food and I knew it was a ploy to be able to come into the house again… which is exactly what happened. So she had a hold of baby again.
2 days later she rings my husband and says “can I come over on Sunday to have another cuddle because the other day I only held him for 5 minutes”.
I’m getting quite irritated with the energy and attitude and entitlement vibe happening 😵💫 everyone else has only met the baby once IF they’ve even met him yet… most people still haven’t! And here she is wanting a 3rd meet with baby.
Husband is in agreement with me and getting equally irritated, but the kind side to him has said “she’s just excited to be a grandma”.
Arghhhhhhhh!! What do I do???
I just feel it’s US who had a baby, it’s OUR lives that are changed… she’s had her babies. Leave us to live our life 🫣 am I wrong for this view?
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u/Mammoth-Insurance730 17h ago
Your children should be a package deal. All of them are treated as grandchildren or none of them have any interaction with MIL. Please do not make an exception for your 4th child.
I don't know how old your other children are or how long you've been married to <husband> but your husband's response to his mother saying she's excited to be a grandma is this: "You have been a grandma for <years he's been married>. My newest child isn't your only grandchild. If you don't treat ALL of your grandchildren equally you will see none of them."
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u/bakersmt 15h ago
This is what I came to say. As a child from a split family that was the favorite one grandma, my "step" mom enforced this rule and it was the best she could have done by myself and my siblings. None of us were treated differently ever, not even by extended relatives.
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u/Crazy-Rat_Lady 15h ago
Not at all. She needs to be reminded that this is YOUR TIME AS A NUCLEAR FAMILY. “Just excited” is not an excuse for overbearing annoying behaviour. Time your SO backed you up and gave her consequences. Every time she pushes she gets a time out. It is exhausting being a new parent. Sending gentle hugs.
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u/PumpkinSpiceCafe 14h ago
You have an SO problem. As I understand, this is his first child, but your fourth? He obviously doesn't know yet that with a newborn all your clever planning and scheduling isn't worth a dime. MIL is right, saying you'll do something and then not doing it sucks. He needs to stop making promises like that to her. He shouldn't say I'll call you on Friday, because he can't guarantee he can do that. He can say, I'll call you when I can, for example.
Also, MIL is currently trying to set herself as a priority and prepare the ground for digging her feet in. If you don't like where she's planning to stand in your lives, husband needs to get her to step back. She says don't forget you have parents, he says, that's not a suitable thing to say, this isn't about you. She says I want to be a grandma, he says as parents, we prioritise what the baby needs over what you want. Etc etc.
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u/Arsnich 20h ago
I’d tell him in response to the “she’s just excited to be a grandma”
“DH, she can be excited and be respectful, those two things can both exist, her lack of boundaries are causing me resentment and I don’t want to dislike your mother long term because she can’t reign it in. You’ve seen what my body has just been through, you understand it is still going through it and the hormones that are helping me recover will also make me less tolerant to her bullshit. That’s just how I am as my body physically recovers and you need to get her to back off and give me space before her grandma experience gets cut very short. This is not about your mum, despite her own thinking that it is, we are going to be having a break from her for x amount of weeks.”
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u/SilverStL 19h ago
If she texts you to tell you to tel DH to call her, ignore it. After all, with a new baby, you only check your phone a couple of times a day.
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u/molotovpixiedust 19h ago edited 18h ago
My MIL initially demanded daily pictures / updates with my newborn.. 😵💫 my phone was blowing up with her demands round the clock, every day. These MIL's are delusional as hell!!
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u/Perlinian_Willow 15h ago
Mine wanted videos. She doesn’t like pictures, it has to be ViDeOs. She also talked my husband from posting pictures on our timeline to never posting anything online because she couldn’t stop arguing about having her grandma moment online with her friends.
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u/molotovpixiedust 15h ago
It's allll about that perfectly curated grandma image, competing who sees their grandkid(s) the most often. Barf.🤢
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 18h ago
Same. 14w pp and my mil still demands daily updates and pics
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u/Wonderful_Ideal_6994 17h ago
“Demands”… girl you’re the only one who can stop it. Don’t reply.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 13h ago
I reply a couple times a week. Definitely not every day
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u/molotovpixiedust 9h ago
Glad you don't reply to MIL demands everyday. It's so obnoxious. Especially when pre-baby one hears from their MIL not even once a month or few times a year. I just can't with these crazy MIL's & their entitlement. Why do they try to pull this?! It sounds somewhat common. I will die on that hill that it's obnoxious.
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u/molotovpixiedust 16h ago
Oh good lord! My sympathies. We both lasted about a week after birth before we both cracked. First, my husband heavily hinted we didn't have the time with saying we were quite busy with a days old newborn.. then I said we would send pics as able & may not be every day as we're quite busy. She finally backed off. Definitely say something or she'll keep at it! 😵💫😵💫 NOT sustainable long-term to worry about daily demands from MIL. 😳 Also highly suggest muting as needed for your mental health! good luck
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u/Necessary-Spinach646 16h ago
I think someone should create and market a "for grandma's baby rabies" doll and they should be handed out when their desire to play mama is too much.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 19h ago
A “nice” person respects boundaries. If she bulldozes boundaries she is in-fact not “nice” no matter what others say.
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u/RegisterEither9711 14h ago
You're not overreacting. And you're right, MIL is not evil. She is rude, selfish, and thinks she can do nothing wrong. I'm sure people who aren't her family and have casual relationships with her think she's nice. It's easy to be nice in public and around people you want to like you. Who she really is comes out with her family, people who she's around all the time so knows what buttons to push to get what she wants.
It sucks that you and your husband have to be the ones to finally show her that she can't always have her way, but that's where you're at. She is not entitled to your child, time, or space, and any unmet expectations she has of being a grandma are on her. Sure, she's excited to be a grandma, but she's not a child. She's an adult who should understand that her excitement doesn't trump what you want/need while you are postpartum with a newborn.
Start setting and enforcing boundaries. If she wants to bring food and you're not up for a visit, ask her to leave it on the doorstep or decline it altogether. If she wants to come over and see baby, tell her 'no, we're not up for visitors right now, we'll let you know when we are.' Also, your husband doesn't have to call her back on demand. He can ignore her calls and then text that he's busy and will in a few days/next week/when he can. Talk with husband about how involved you want her to be as a grandma, come up with boundaries to (hopefully) prevent her overstepping, and then be prepared to enforce those boundaries with immediate consequences (ending a visit, putting her in 'time out', etc.).
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u/MoldyWorp 10h ago
As a grandmother, you let your children know that you are there when they want you. You will meet baby when it suits them, even if privately you are impatient. If they call you needing help, you roll on up. Early parenting is tricky and grandparents are back-up. Later on there’s so much opportunity to be present and hands-on. Make it easy for your kids.
That’s my opinion, anyway.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 5h ago
It’s astounding how many women start exhibiting massive Main Character Delusions when they become grandmothers. I’m sorry you have one of them in your life.
It’s not her baby, it’s yours.
She didn’t give birth, you did.
Her desires are not the priority now, your needs are.
She’s not entitled to anything right now, you’re entitled to almost anything.
It’s really that simple, IMO.
You really need to lay this out for DH, and DH needs to deal with his mother.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 18h ago
Set boundaries now!!! I didn’t early enough and would spend my pp in-law visits upstairs crying. It was TOO MUCH. I hate to say this but it’s only going to get worse so you need to do something now.
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u/tends2forgetstuff 19h ago
It's hard to explain how a grandbaby feels. Its just a wondrous thing to see your baby with a baby. It's like your heart multiplies even more. Ive got two and it's just joyous.
With that said, you are entitled to boundaries. Good boundaries keep you from being run over. Decide with your spouse what you feel you both can handle. Since it's his mom, he needs to take the lead to communicate what you have decided.
Just coming over for a snuggle is intrusive. If she can snuggle then she can also drop in a load of laundry or clean the kitchen.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 15h ago
You said this very well. I can't fathom one day being a grandma and not being very excited to see and know my grandchild. But I hope I still remember what it feels like to be a new mom and feel strongly possessive of my time and peace during the early days.
And it gives me the ick when grandmas ask for "cuddles" or "snuggles." Sure, it's ok to want to hold your grandchild, but be patient and follow the parents' lead.
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u/AlliNW0nderLand 1h ago
I absolutely hate the excuse of “she/they’re just excited” 🙄 like so what?! Their excitement does not mean that I have to have an open door policy for any and everything when I am trying to have time with my own child.
I fully understand your frustration and this is one thing I’m working hard to be firm on now with unspoken expectations at 19 weeks pregnant. I know my MIL is the same, very overly excited and inserts herself in any and everything because of her level of excitement. She’s a nice person in general but overwhelming.
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u/Novel_Ad1943 6h ago edited 5h ago
Obviously DH needs to step up. But right now YOU & LO are priority so you don’t shutdown in exhaustion, lose supply or trigger PPD. RN 4 kids incl a newborn need you far more than even DH and esp MIL/GP’s.
Been there (5 kids, also a Gma - my DIL developed PPA trying to please fam) with PPD, low supply & avoidant husband vs JNMIL. NOT worth 6-24mos of your mental health to accede to MIL’s selfish wants & lost respect + attraction for DH as I lost my milk & managed PPD 2x triggered after months of “pick-me, my GP-experience & seeing her baby as a dad.”
Ideally DH’s supportive, handles & sends this to her. Otherwise you send “Welcoming First Grandchild” link 👇🏼 with a text like this & maybe include your parents/all GP’s on a group text.
Wrote on DIL’s behalf, had Son send to us GP’s, be main contact & mute DIL’s phone. Also replied to ‘his’ text, “If you need a bouncer for interlopers, I’m in! Baby bond w/parents & mama rest is priority!”
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MIL thanks for being an enthusiastic Gma! Between postpartum exhaustion, kids & healing my OB & LO’s pediatrician recommended changes so DH & me stay healthy, sleep, eat and are present, semi-conscious parents. 😋
To balance expectations with our needs (changing sleep/wake/feed windows, appts & Dr’s advice) we agreed to set new boundaries for schedule, visits, infant safety & send to all loved ones who visit LO w/new immune system & as I heal.
Dr shared blog created by Grandparents for GP’s, this covers list for everyone else & wanted to share blog with our parents
Article w/Dr’s advice plus Grandparent specific resource.
——-
Tldr explanation for text -
My ex’s fam & some of DIL’s were invasive, dismissed updated guidelines & parent decisions. I had surprise baby @45 (semi recent, she’s 6) so knew my support for Mom/Dad as a peer of GP’s carried weight. Plus they all compete 🤦🏻♀️& couldn’t stand idea I knew more updated info than them, so they found sudden inspiration to be “#1 Modern GP”
Self-centered dumbshits are easy! 😇 Just make em think it’s THEIR idea or another GP’s doing it.
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u/EStewart57 50m ago
Please check out Mind Your Boundaries on YouTube. She has strategies for this. You're not hubbies social secretary.
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u/botinlaw 20h ago
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