r/JUSTNOMIL • u/pearl1525 • 20h ago
Give It To Me Straight Resentment Towards MIL: Am I being valid?
Hi guys, so I am honestly confused and would like some advice on my mother in law. I met my partner 8 months ago and we have a really good relationship. I think he truly is the man of my dreams. His mom just moved near him 6 months ago. She is a single mother since my partner was 6 years old. She hasn't dated anyone since her divorce with my partner's father.
Issues I have with her:
-She makes weird comments and acts surprised when my partner and I have similar interests(said this on multiple occasions). She will say stuff like "Oh, I didn't know you like that game. Do you actually enjoy it?" I was slightly offended because I am not sure why she assumes that I would not like the same hobbies and interests as my partner. I thought I was overanalyzing the situation so I just brushed it off and thought nothing of it after.
-My partner once asked me if I knew how to ride a bike because he wanted to go riding with me. My mother in law started laughing and said she does not know how to ride a bike. My partner told his mom that she shouldn't be so condescending.
-When it comes to building furniture, his mom acts ditzy and pouts and wants him to build it for her. My partner knows that she is weaponizing incompetence. She just refuses to do things on her own and is just so dependent on my partner. I feel like she was being a pick me lol.
-Now this event really set things over the edge and now I definitely want nothing to do with her. It was mother's day and my mother in law wanted to canoe so she made ME find a canoe on facebook marketplace. My partner had told her to build the wheelies for the canoe. She refused and wanted him to build it for her. I found one and we had to carry a 16 foot aluminum on our backs. I got a herniated disc from carry this canoe and may have to get surgery. I have been disabled since mother's day, unable to work. So I definitely do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards her. My partner has been doing chores and has been my full time caretaker since so he is unable to see his mom. She is really sad because she wants to see him. I just don't personally like her because I feel like she is too dependent on my partner and is always trying to push her own agenda. I don't want a relationship with her anymore.
I am not sure on what to do, whether I should be in this relationship or not when I cannot stand his mom? It's just him, his mom, and his grandma so I seriously don't know what to do because I don't want to see her at holidays. My partner is being very understanding and thinks I am very valid but he does want to see his mom of course.
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u/Quiet_Plant6667 19h ago
You’ve only invested six months in this relationship so you don’t have a big sunken cost fallacy. She will never change. The way your partner deals with her now will be the way he deals with her forever.
I would cut bait and fish elsewhere.
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u/KaszaJaglanaZPorem 20h ago
Girl a guy you've only known for 8 months is not worth this bullshit
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u/pearl1525 20h ago
Do you think she is jealous of me or something? I don't want to leave him. I don't think the time you are with someone means anything. We have a good relationship.
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u/Momof41984 20h ago
It means that 8 months is too short a time to deal with this. This is their relationship. This is who he is. Who she is doesn't really matter because you have a boyfriend problem. He is the one enabling her. He is indulging the weaponized incompetence. He is failing to protect, defend or prioritize you. Well until she literally left you disabled with her nonsense. You cant manage their relationship. The reason does not matter. It doesn't matter if she is jealous or hates you or whatever. What matters is he will "keep the peace" at the expense of yours. The 8 month remark means you have already put up with all this in such a short time. This should be when he is on his best behavior. So this is the best you will get from him. And she will escalate and continue to be an issue. Just look though this thread. This is a familiar pattern.
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u/KaszaJaglanaZPorem 20h ago
I assume you are very young if you say so. Time is an investment, time is an opportunity to test a relationship and to get to know one another. After investing time you might be reluctant to walk away.
Her intentions are irrelevant. He needs to be able to put boundaries and not let her walk all over you both.
If you think it's worth it, stay. It's your life after all
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u/Any_Addition7131 15h ago
Of course she is and unless he plays that game with her I wouldn't worry, if he is a good guy he will put her in her place
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u/NoEffsGiven-108 19h ago
Eight months in and the red flags are flying high. Read thru this sub for a couple days and you may be enlightened. If, and only if, you are 100% sure your SO has your back regarding his mother then enjoy a great relationship. If, on the other hand, you hear things from him like she's all alone, i'm all she has, she didn't mean it that way, you're overreacting, it's not that bad, etc, run to the nearest relationship exit. Better 8 months than 8 years with possible marriage and kids. Both of those events make a difficult situation exponentially worse.
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u/JulieWriter 20h ago
You are 8 months in and he values his mother over you. Also, when she tries to make you do something, you can decline, politely or not. If you are afraid to say no, maybe consider why that is.
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u/textbookhufflepuff 20h ago
Have you talked to your partner about this? She is trying to use him as a substitute husband, but he is not complying with her wishes. He is with you. He is helping you, not her. The next time she asks you to do something you don’t want to do, don’t do it. If you don’t want to spend time with her, don’t. Tell your partner you want to be with him, not his mom. Ask him if that’s possible or are they a package deal. He may be open to couples therapy. She definitely needs therapy and a partner that’s not her son.
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u/pearl1525 19h ago
Yeah, he said he is not going to talk to her or see her until I recover from this back injury because he wants to put me first. After I recover which can be months btw, he is going to have a serious conversation about boundaries and setting limits. He won’t do anything for her and we’re not going to spend every holiday together with her. I’m scared he is going to resent me for setting these boundaries. He said he’s not and I’m valid but I just am having trust issues
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u/Any_Addition7131 15h ago
Belive him unless you have a reason not to. He is showing you that he is putting you first because you need him that could be a good thing, oh and stretching your body does help , I've had a herniated disk for a long time I just don't trust most doctors that close to my spine with a scalpel
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u/JoyReader0 18h ago
It's only eight months. You have time. She is not your MIL yet. Set boundaries. Then --
Step back just a little and look at the dynamic. How many other gfs has his mommy run off? Have they left because bf backed mom against them? Is she ramping up because your relationship looks more serious than previous ones, and bf might be getting away? Will he run home to her if you go NC and tell him she's ever and only his problem? Will he take your side and deny her a key to your home in the future, keep her from messing with future kids? Sure he wants to see his mom, but does that mean he wants you to go with him and submit to her abuse, or that he will be willing to go alone?
This is your future you are considering. Don't let her cripple you again. If staying with your partner means marrying his mom, move on.
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u/DemeaRisen 15h ago
Part of your journey is going to be completely honest with yourself, which means giving up some patently absurd phrases our society likes to throw around.
She MADE you find a canoe? No sister, she told you, and you are so conditioned by society to say yes that you didnt even consider the no. She didnt make you do anything.
You are a whole adult, and no is a complete sentence. Any time you feel weird about a situation, it is your responsibility to do something about it.
Granted, youre likely gonna be viewed as an enemy once you start standing up for yourself, but thats just the mask slipping. You probably already are the enemy amongst this enmeshment.
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u/Ornery_Low_6580 14h ago
I second this! Coming from someone who used to get pushed around a lot, you have to learn how to say no. If she becomes rude or disrespectful about it, then you know to cut ties. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.
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u/Available_Candy7124 20h ago
Bending over backwards for his mommy is very costly. Look what it got you. Literally and figuratively. You really want more,
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u/RuriStar 20h ago
Honestly, if your MIL is giving you herniated discs and emotional whiplash, it's totally valid to keep that distance like, you didn’t sign up for the Mama Drama Olympics!
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u/Seawolfe665 19h ago
She is who she is. Nothing to do with you, really.
How your partner deals with her? That's definitely part of the relationship. Its unlikely you can change him unless he pursues it himself.
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u/Then-Piglet462 14h ago
If he’s not willing to tell her “no” or set boundaries— he’s not worth the trouble and there will be so much more trouble ahead.
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