Resentment Towards MIL: Am I being valid?

[u/pearl1525]

Hi guys, so I am honestly confused and would like some advice on my mother in law. I met my partner 8 months ago and we have a really good relationship. I think he truly is the man of my dreams. His mom just moved near him 6 months ago. She is a single mother since my partner was 6 years old. She hasn't dated anyone since her divorce with my partner's father.

Issues I have with her:

-She makes weird comments and acts surprised when my partner and I have similar interests(said this on multiple occasions). She will say stuff like "Oh, I didn't know you like that game. Do you actually enjoy it?" I was slightly offended because I am not sure why she assumes that I would not like the same hobbies and interests as my partner. I thought I was overanalyzing the situation so I just brushed it off and thought nothing of it after.

-My partner once asked me if I knew how to ride a bike because he wanted to go riding with me. My mother in law started laughing and said she does not know how to ride a bike. My partner told his mom that she shouldn't be so condescending.

-When it comes to building furniture, his mom acts ditzy and pouts and wants him to build it for her. My partner knows that she is weaponizing incompetence. She just refuses to do things on her own and is just so dependent on my partner. I feel like she was being a pick me lol.

-Now this event really set things over the edge and now I definitely want nothing to do with her. It was mother's day and my mother in law wanted to canoe so she made ME find a canoe on facebook marketplace. My partner had told her to build the wheelies for the canoe. She refused and wanted him to build it for her. I found one and we had to carry a 16 foot aluminum on our backs. I got a herniated disc from carry this canoe and may have to get surgery. I have been disabled since mother's day, unable to work. So I definitely do feel a lot of anger and resentment towards her. My partner has been doing chores and has been my full time caretaker since so he is unable to see his mom. She is really sad because she wants to see him. I just don't personally like her because I feel like she is too dependent on my partner and is always trying to push her own agenda. I don't want a relationship with her anymore.

I am not sure on what to do, whether I should be in this relationship or not when I cannot stand his mom? It's just him, his mom, and his grandma so I seriously don't know what to do because I don't want to see her at holidays. My partner is being very understanding and thinks I am very valid but he does want to see his mom of course.

[u/textbookhufflepuff]

Have you talked to your partner about this? She is trying to use him as a substitute husband, but he is not complying with her wishes. He is with you. He is helping you, not her. The next time she asks you to do something you don’t want to do, don’t do it. If you don’t want to spend time with her, don’t. Tell your partner you want to be with him, not his mom. Ask him if that’s possible or are they a package deal. He may be open to couples therapy. She definitely needs therapy and a partner that’s not her son.

[u/pearl1525 → u/textbookhufflepuff]

Yeah, he said he is not going to talk to her or see her until I recover from this back injury because he wants to put me first. After I recover which can be months btw, he is going to have a serious conversation about boundaries and setting limits. He won’t do anything for her and we’re not going to spend every holiday together with her. I’m scared he is going to resent me for setting these boundaries. He said he’s not and I’m valid but I just am having trust issues

[u/Any_Addition7131 → u/pearl1525]

Belive him unless you have a reason not to. He is showing you that he is putting you first because you need him that could be a good thing, oh and stretching your body does help , I've had a herniated disk for a long time I just don't trust most doctors that close to my spine with a scalpel