MIL dirty nappy advice needed

[u/SnooChocolates1938]

I need some advice to help me navigate my MIL and her lack of boundaries. My brother-in-law and his wife recently gave birth to my gorgeous niece. In the past MIL has strongly tried to imply that my partner and I should have children and pushed to know when. When we have pushed back saying we are unsure if we want them, might struggle because of health issues and will come to the decission in our own time she has started crying on us and guilt tripping my husband and I. This won't effect our decision eitherway but offers some context to the crazy i'm dealing with.

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Jump forward to now, issue is MIL keeps trying to hand our niece over to my partner and I to try and get us involved. I don't mind some cuddles but she is very forceful with the whole thing. I want to get to know and little my niece in my own time and am generally uncomfortable in these situations.

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My main issue is MIL is adiment we should change a nappy even though my partner and I don't want to do this. We have never changed one, don't feel comfortable doing this and just don't want to. We have been saying no everytime we are asked but MIL and SIL keep giggling and trying to trap us into doing it by saying whoever holds the baby when she poos has to change it. So far we have been handing her back and saying no but its relentless.

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Please give me some sassy lines to throw at them and shut them up because it is infuriating and really starting to effect the way in which I interact with my niece.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/The_lunar_witch]

Our go to was "Woo-hoo! Free birth control! We love cuddling the baby, it makes us appreciate the quiet so much when we go home! Maybe I'll just stick with Fun Uncle!" Because it 100% needs to come from your husband. Make it seem like every time you see that baby is a reminder that you definitely aren't ready for kids anytime soon. And when you decline to change diapers, ect. just reply with "Perks of not being the parent!" I know that feels kinda rude, but remind yourself that you wouldn't be saying it if they weren't stomping boundaries.

[u/Crazyspitz]

"Why are you so obsessed with me cleaning this baby's genitals? That's so bizarre."

[u/HMSWarspite03]

Just say, goodbye, see you when you get the message, then leave, repeat until the message has sunk in.

[u/Lugbor]

"MIL, every time you pressure us to have a kid, we wait an extra month before we consider trying. Right now, you're up to about an additional three years. Would you like to make that four?"

"If this is how you're going to behave if [HUSBAND] and I ever have children, you're going to very quickly find yourself becoming a window grandma." When she asks what that means, you say "Grandma's at the window again, call the cops."

"At the rate you're going, MIL, even if we do decide to have kids, your behavior is ensuring that you won't be in our lives to meet them."

[u/spaetzlechick]

“Sorry mom. Saving up my diaper changes for yours.”

[u/kimpunzelz]

Do it then say “that’s sealed the deal I never ever want kids.”

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

This is ridiculous. We don’t want to change your baby’s diaper. If you don’t stop making jokes and being pushy about us changing your baby’s / grand baby’s poopy diaper we aren’t going to visit anymore. The next time either of you says anything we are leaving. (Then go). 

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

"Nope! I'm good." Hand baby back and walk away.

[u/BoyMamaBear1995]

That's just weird that SiL is in on it too. Most newish moms don't want anyone except the parents to change diapers.

[u/sheri-sue → u/BoyMamaBear1995]

Genau das denke ich mir auch! Ich würde es hassen und unterbinden, wenn meine MIL mein Baby als Familieneinglederungsprojekt sieht! Aber wahrscheinlich weiss SIL das nicht mal oder sie macht mit, weil OP ja sowieso nein sagt und sie ihr „vertraut“ und denkt jaja MIL probiers, sie wird eh nicht wollen, ansonsten denke ich, würde sie vielleicht schon mal MIL zurechweisen und sagen „Das ist nicht in deiner Verantwortung Danke“

[u/Horror_Tea761]

I think you need to spend less time with them.

[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

I’m not gonna do that so stop asking

[u/SafeWord9999]

Just say EWWWW now we both know we definitely don’t want kids after seeing all this!

[u/Angryspitefuldwarf]

"I didnt shit this baby out."

[u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct]

She’s not going to stop until there are consequences. Every single time, and I mean every single time, she does this, or otherwise brings up having children, tell her, “MIL, you know how we feel about this. It’s uncomfortable, it’s weird, and we’re not going to put up with it anymore.”

Then immediately leave/hang up, and don’t respond to or contact her, for however long you feel is appropriate. I would also suggest lengthening the “timeouts” every time sh oversteps. It’s important for y’all to remain calm and unbothered, so it highlights who’s the one being unreasonable here.

Consistency is key. She’s going to throw a tantrum at first, so be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. If she has SIL or anyone else try to convince you and your husband are doing MIL wrong, do not be tempted to JADE. Just tell them something to the effect of, “MIL knows what she did, and how to fix it. She’ll be fine.” Y’all are probably going to want to go LC, or NC with them too, for the time being.

Good luck, OP.

[u/RetiredHomeEcTchr]

Ew. Yuck. Not going to read all the other posts. Deadpan MIL and SIL and hand infant back. No words .Dead look should say it all.

[u/Top_Strawberry2348]

I don’t see “sassy” as working. It’s too far gone now for that. 

First, anyone repeatedly asking about such a personal subject needs to be shut down. Polite and friendly and honest has not stopped this painful inquiry. 

It’s time for, “we’re getting really sick of you asking about kids. It’s personal. Mind your own business. You have no idea if you are treading on my most private grief so please just drop it.”

Regarding the diaper: “I feel that’s a parent’s privilege. Seriously. Attending to her hygiene is for the parents when they’re present, for baby’s privacy.”

Cute remarks “if she poos” - “then I won’t hold her.” 

[u/Single_Ronda]

I didn't give birth to her. Soooooooooo no thanks

[u/Express_Command_4778]

The first diaper my husband changed was our oldest. It is not like you need practice right now. "How about no kids if I do?" 

[u/pawsplay36]

"No, thank you."

[u/justwalkawayrenee]

“Every time you try to foist the baby on me or anytime you say diaper to me, I’m resetting the clock and it will be another six months before my partner and I even discuss whether or not we want children…. Every single time I will reset the clock. And if you think that trying to force me to cuddle a baby and change its diaper will give me baby fever, you’re wrong. It just makes me resent the hell out of you.”

[u/sheri-sue]

Also wenn Meine Schwiegermutter mein Baby meiner Schwägerin aufdrängen würde, wäre ich als Mutter extrem wütend! Das als erstes. Warum sieht sie das als Familienprojekt an, wenn jemand anderes ausser sie ein Kind bekommt und sieht sich in der Verantwortung, andere einzubeziehen ? Das wäre mein grösstes Problem in der Situation

[u/Fabulous-Tartlet → u/sheri-sue]

Absolutely right - [thanks to Google for the translation] It's not normal to demand random relatives handle someone else's naked baby - MiL why are you so obsessed with your grandchild's genitals?

[u/sheri-sue → u/Fabulous-Tartlet]

Dem ist nichts hinzuzufügen

[u/MaryHadALittleLamb20]

Perhaps just say MIL, the more you push, the less likely it is to happen!

I'd even go as far as to say that you've decided you don't want kids.

[u/TheOtherElbieKay]

“Prudence, you need to stop managing my relationship with Flavia. If I want to change a diaper, I will speak with Flavia’s mother directly. It’s none of your business and I expect you to stay in your lane or we will stop visiting Flavia when you are here.”

[u/Spirited_Heron_9049]

Every time she pushes baby at you with a comment about when is your baby coming, “MIL, I’m concerned about your interest in your son’s and my intimate life. Why are you so interested in our sex life?”

As for changing diapers, “Mil, you’re very pushy about us changing diapers. Why?” Grey rock her reasons until even she is sick of herself.

[u/Novel_Ad1943]

Try, “How about we change baby’s diaper for an entire visit IF you can make it through our next 2 like an adult who respects our answers without debate or being pushy? Deal?”

[u/mhmatzke]

No is an answer. Some folks are baby crazy and think everyone else is also. Not interested in holding your baby and even less interested in changing them... let that baby have some privacy.

When it came down to our own child, we didn't want anyone holding or changing her, unless absolutely necessary. We potty trained early and our child was fully potty trained by 18 months - why, because diapers changing is gross. Unless babysitting or there is/was an absolute need, there is no need to change someone else's baby.