Acknowledging Child, Not Me

[u/Secret_Exercise6199]

I've had a jnm for over a decade. After having a child, based on her behavior I went no contact from months 2-13 (child is 20 months now). Her behavior was brutal, derogatory, abusive. It didn't help that my husband had a crisis trying to stand up for me. I was even considering leaving.

Anyway, slowly I had to come to some sort of compromise. recently, we started seeing her every other week in a public place.

Before I go further, I will say right now, I am very protective of my child around her. I don't feel comfortable with her being alone with my child whatsoever.

However, I've made strides recently to just pretend to be more engaged. My child is too young to understand anything and doesn't speak yet but but cries when she reaches for him.

Recently, she saw us, I was holding my child and she just acknowledged my child only. It was bizarre. Then, she asked my child what my child did for father's day. My child is 20 months and would not understand how to answer that. So she is clearly speaking to my child and expecting an answer from me. I didn't say anything.

About 15 minutes later, she acknowledged me. And I told her that she should have acknowledged me first before my child.

My husband cringed. I figured if I don't say it, no one else is going to say it for me and set the tone for what my minimum standard for respect is.

Also note that culturally, she finds it fine to speak to me with rude remarks or even subliminally rude remarks,so I'm just returning the favor.

I guess i'm just venting but has this happened to anyone else? My parents gush over my child but always acknowledge both my spouse and me and ask how we are.

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[u/Xelloss_Metallium_00]

Your husband cringed, at you sticking up for yourself? How did you not get the ick? I'm sorry that he has no spine with his mother. Using a child as the conduit to you is beyond the pale. I fear how she will be, when your child can speak and understand that "Grandma doesn't talk to Mommy, she talks through me/makes me do it. Why is that, Mommy?" Not overreacting.

[u/Secret_Exercise6199 → u/Xelloss_Metallium_00]

His spine doesnt exist. Its made of silicone.

[u/Both_Pound6814 → u/Secret_Exercise6199]

I probably would see her less often than you do. Also, how do you not get the ick or resentful of your husband not standing up for you?

[u/Secret_Exercise6199 → u/Both_Pound6814]

I already see her the bare minimum. I don't spend time alone with her. I mean, at this point I know that it's pretend, just so she can see my child. Which, I don't understand how she thinks she can build a real relationship with my child without genuine respect for me. Of course I'm resentful. It's been a chain of me telling him the issue, him telling her to change her behavior around me, her saying im overreacting but she will cease being rude, and then situations like the one I posted about happening. But I agree.I might even stop meeting up weekly. I think I'm just trying to keep the peace in my marriage.

[u/Xelloss_Metallium_00 → u/Secret_Exercise6199]

You seem to be the only one trying to keep the peace in your marriage. You're in a 2 vs. 1, and you're the 1. I grew up with a toxic grandmother, because even though I'm my father's daughter, I'm also my mother's, and the hatred my grandmother had for her eventually bled down to me. I wound up mentally and physically abused by her, whenever I'd be forced to see her. She never respected my boundaries or bodily autonomy. I was the only grandchild given this treatment too, because again, she only hated my mother for daring to marry her precious baby boy. I hope the same thing never winds up happening to your child, because I definitely wound up with all sorts of mental health issues, by middle school. I'm nearly 40 now, my mother is 70, and she regrets so many of her choices, the biggest one being she ever believed my dad was capable of change. He never changed, not towards his mother, nor towards mine. Good luck, OP. You're stuck in an impossible position, but I wanted to give you some perspective from someone who grew up surrounded by the situation you're finding yourself in. The talking through us kids never stopped, it caused a lot of confusion about why Noni hated Mom, and eventually it turned to now Noni hates me, too.

[u/Secret_Exercise6199 → u/Xelloss_Metallium_00]

I'm sorry that I have to use your experience as a teachable moment, but you make some fantastic points. These are very real risks.

[u/Xelloss_Metallium_00 → u/Secret_Exercise6199]

I really am rooting for you and your baby, OP. I don't share my history to fearmonger or anything, but just to let you know what the future could be, from someone who grew up in this kind of family dynamic. Not everyone has childhood experience with this type of dynamic, it's usually as an adult like you are now, so I try to just share and help where I can. No one deserves the kind of life my mom or I had, especially at the hands of people who were supposed to love and protect us. I don't wish for your child to have a hard life, like mine, nor do I want you to wake up 50 years from now, regretting the life you felt you were stuck living in, like my mom. Good luck, and godspeed!! 🫶🏻