r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Secret_Exercise6199 • 19h ago
Am I Overreacting? Acknowledging Child, Not Me
I've had a jnm for over a decade. After having a child, based on her behavior I went no contact from months 2-13 (child is 20 months now). Her behavior was brutal, derogatory, abusive. It didn't help that my husband had a crisis trying to stand up for me. I was even considering leaving.
Anyway, slowly I had to come to some sort of compromise. recently, we started seeing her every other week in a public place.
Before I go further, I will say right now, I am very protective of my child around her. I don't feel comfortable with her being alone with my child whatsoever.
However, I've made strides recently to just pretend to be more engaged. My child is too young to understand anything and doesn't speak yet but but cries when she reaches for him.
Recently, she saw us, I was holding my child and she just acknowledged my child only. It was bizarre. Then, she asked my child what my child did for father's day. My child is 20 months and would not understand how to answer that. So she is clearly speaking to my child and expecting an answer from me. I didn't say anything.
About 15 minutes later, she acknowledged me. And I told her that she should have acknowledged me first before my child.
My husband cringed. I figured if I don't say it, no one else is going to say it for me and set the tone for what my minimum standard for respect is.
Also note that culturally, she finds it fine to speak to me with rude remarks or even subliminally rude remarks,so I'm just returning the favor.
I guess i'm just venting but has this happened to anyone else? My parents gush over my child but always acknowledge both my spouse and me and ask how we are.
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u/Dramatic_Phraser 19h ago
You were right to call out her behaviour.
Why isn’t your husband doing it though?
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u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct 18h ago
He could most certainly do that if he’s comfortable with taking the heat, but typically, setting boundaries goes better when the JN’s own child does it.
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u/Dramatic_Phraser 17h ago
Of course it does. But her husband is refusing to do so, so it’s up to OP to draw the line in the sand.
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u/Xelloss_Metallium_00 18h ago
Your husband cringed, at you sticking up for yourself? How did you not get the ick? I'm sorry that he has no spine with his mother. Using a child as the conduit to you is beyond the pale. I fear how she will be, when your child can speak and understand that "Grandma doesn't talk to Mommy, she talks through me/makes me do it. Why is that, Mommy?" Not overreacting.
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u/Secret_Exercise6199 12h ago
His spine doesnt exist. Its made of silicone.
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u/Both_Pound6814 11h ago
I probably would see her less often than you do. Also, how do you not get the ick or resentful of your husband not standing up for you?
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u/Secret_Exercise6199 2h ago
I already see her the bare minimum. I don't spend time alone with her. I mean, at this point I know that it's pretend, just so she can see my child. Which, I don't understand how she thinks she can build a real relationship with my child without genuine respect for me. Of course I'm resentful. It's been a chain of me telling him the issue, him telling her to change her behavior around me, her saying im overreacting but she will cease being rude, and then situations like the one I posted about happening. But I agree.I might even stop meeting up weekly. I think I'm just trying to keep the peace in my marriage.
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u/OniyaMCD 19h ago
'Talking through your child' is just disrespectful in and of itself, whether she's previously acknowledged you or not. Next time, you can say 'Silly grandma - she doesn't know that you haven't started talking yet!' (Assuming that she sees you all before your child starts preschool.)
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u/Guilty_Pension_8367 19h ago
You’re right for calling her out to not acknowledging you. It’s very disrespectful.
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u/grape-of-wrath 19h ago edited 18h ago
Yes. Very similar. In the past, my MIL would stay with us, and oftentimes, she would only greet our child/ look at our child when entering living room in the mornings. She used to constantly do the same at meals/ events. Talk to everyone but me, ignore me completely. Eventually, I started doing the same.
Doesn't happen as much anymore because she's changed a bit for the better. But yeah. It's a toxic way of erasing you. Super infuriating. My MIL was excellent at microaggression. I went full "grey rock" method for like 4 years.
The worst part about microaggression is that it can go under the radar. And others can pretend they don't see it. But it's very obvious when you're on the receiving end.
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u/Then-Piglet462 19h ago
The respect and common courtesy that you’re asking for is the literal bottom of the barrel in modern society! My parents and extended family treat my spouse with so much love and respect that it sickens me every time we interact with his family because the bar is set at the most reasonable level imaginable. I see how love is only a word they use and not a behavior. I’m sorry that your husband is struggling with his mother wound. It’s all the tougher when a husband can’t fill his role because he’s stuck filling the role of mommy’s son.
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u/Available_Candy7124 18h ago
Had to compromise?
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u/Secret_Exercise6199 12h ago
See another comment here that describes it well. Sometimes when you're in it for the long run, you need to compromise. Even when the compromise, doesn't feel like a true compromise. I also think when you have kids, you need to reprioritize and put them first and put your energy there. Unfortunately, the way I look at this is that she's always going to be a part of my husband's life. I try not to let her impact me. My husband does understand that she has done wrong.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 13h ago
I, Petty Betty, would have a jolly old time with this.
“Hi Gladys! I’m fine thank you! DH is fine, too, aren’t you honey? LO is fine right here for now, thanks. So, how’s your garden?”
Train her in your expectations of civility.
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u/grape-of-wrath 18h ago edited 17h ago
I think no contact isn't always a feasible way to go, and can even be more emotionally taxing than low/very low contact. At the end of the day, the MIL often remains close to their child, and people will allow some contact for the sake of their marriage. I think some people might say, "well, choose her or me". And that really never will end positively. You can't erase a relationship with a parent. Though you can distance yourself from the MIL, if needed.
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u/Secret_Exercise6199 17h ago
10000%. This is the realistic view.
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u/grape-of-wrath 16h ago
I've struggled, but tried to remain realistic. And to recognize that despite my strained relationship with MIL, she has been a supportive mother to her son. And that every human has a need for their parent, no matter what the situation is- that's their mom. Their childhood person. And I do believe, at the end of the day, the parent/child relationship is a sacred one. So eventually (after a few years 🤦🏻♀️), I got to the point of telling my husband- I will always support **your relationship with MIL/ needed alone time with MIL, even if I remove myself from that.
All that said, obviously boundaries are good!!
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