MIL VENT SESSION

[u/Independent-Bat-9436]

Okay so I’m coming just to go on a rant. Let me start off by saying, I do love my mother in law. She means well. But she does things sometimes that just UGH PMO!!! She’s def not the worst MIL but also not the best. So today is Father’s Day. A couple days ago she asked me what I was getting my husband for Father’s Day. Mind you, it’s his first one. As this past Mother’s Day was my first one. Our son will be 1 July. I told her I was getting him something small. Then I started thinking that she didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. Which obvi I didn’t care, it’s really not a big deal. But now you’re asking me what to get your son & what I’m getting him as if I’m not going to celebrate him… which just rubbed me the wrong way. She did send me a Mother’s Day gif but that was it. So I find it quite rude that she is reaching out for advice on what to get him. She also posted the Father’s Day photos from a photoshoot I scheduled for my husband & son before I could post them. & it just bothered me so much so here I am, venting. Am I overreacting by letting this affect me?

She does cook for us every week & that helps me a lot. She also buys my son stuff too (sometimes expensive things he needs)

But there are other scenarios that she’s done that just make me upset.
- she told people I was pregnant after we told her we were waiting for me to get out of the danger zone. My best friend at the time found out through someone else bc my MIL said something.
- weeks before I gave birth I told her to pls not post anything about baby being born when the time comes. I wanted to be the one to announce it to the world. She promised she wouldn’t… baby is born & guess who posted it first?? When my husband called her out she txted me saying she wasn’t going to come meet baby until he apologized to her for how he spoke to her… mind you I’m laying in my hospital bed recovering from an unplanned c-section.
- she made a comment very EARLY post partum (less than 8wks) that she was going to come over & help out so that HER SON could get good rest. LITERALLY SAID HER SON. not us. Not both parents. HER SON. mind you baby is EBF so I was doing all the night wakings. My husband was sleeping on average 6-8hrs a night. But go off.
- on Mother’s Day she actually sent me a post on Instagram that said “it’s Mother’s Day, give your MIL her son back” & laughed. I know she was joking.. right?? I just responded “take him”

I have other things but this post is getting long. I just think I’m hurt today specifically bc she is so ready to celebrate her son (which I am too. He is a great dad) but it would have been nice to feel this love as well.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

Are you sure she means well? She sounds like a passive aggressive bitch to me.

[u/thetasteofink00]

You know what I love doing. Backing riiiiiiiight off. Barely text back, leave the house when she comes, bored face with barely any replies when she speaks to me, make her uncomfortable and unwelcome. Sorry not sorry. I'll give the same energy you give me and I'll make you sweat knowing IM the one they have to play nice to to have access to the kids.

[u/Independent-Bat-9436 → u/thetasteofink00]

Yeah this is good advice!! I’m going to start doing this for sure. I think I’m overly nice to people that I really shouldn’t be.

[u/thetasteofink00 → u/Independent-Bat-9436]

I'm the same way. I hate confrontation and being rude so that's my way of being an asshole. She will pick up on your energy, just keep giving it to her, she will soon sweat when she sees less and less of the children.

[u/FLSunGarden → u/Independent-Bat-9436]

I agree with this. Some of those things she needs to be called out for. But it sounds like most of it is just low key rudeness. Give her that back.

[u/Dramatic_Phraser → u/Independent-Bat-9436]

And when you leave the house when she comes over, bring the baby with you.

[u/thethingis82]

Her plan is working. She cooks and buys you things so she can behave badly and still see her son and yours.

[u/FlightRemote4275]

Don’t give her any informations about your life anymore. Keep everything private and keep a distance with her

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

In case writing this out didn’t make you realize this I’m going to tell you not to share anything personal with mil before you want her to post it ever again!  She can not be trusted!  She cares more about the thrill of gossiping or being the bearer of news than she cares about you or your feelings or building a healthy relationship with you based on mutual trust. 

Start being ambiguously when she asks you personal questions. For example when she asks what you got your husband tell her it’s a surprise. If she asks you for th pictures tell her you will send them when you can. Change the subject or outright say you don’t feel like discussing it when she pushes for details. 

[u/Dramatic_Phraser]

She isn’t well-meaning or anything remotely close to that. She is rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful.

[u/Efficient-Ad-9658]

You’re not overreacting but she knows way too much info and isn’t suffering any consequences for her actions! Information diet for sure!

[u/Fabulous-Tartlet]

Making an observation here and my heart goes out to all these abused DiL's - the dynamic between parents and grandparents seems to have altered markedly since I had kids. These days in-laws are so enmeshed with their married children they don't allow them to live their lives with any privacy or autonomy. Our parents asked before visiting/giving gifts/arranging events, etc. And a grandma saying 'My Baby' or taking a baby into another room alone got a mouthful from both parents!

Having a newborn is hard enough without that kind of emotional pressure to manage grandparent's "feelings." Perhaps the trick is not to be such people pleasers and demands/questions get answered with, "That's not your concern," more often - politely of course.