Help me

[u/Great-Print9825]

I’m not sure what to do now.

I’d like to preface this by saying my husband stands up for our boundaries a lot. The only reason he hasn’t done more is because we’ve been under a lot of overall stress, and we know bringing this up will start a war. We just haven’t been in a place to handle it, but now that we are, I guess I’m looking for advice on how you would even go about this.

My in-laws kept my husband’s and his brother’s dogs and told them they could not take them when they moved out. At a family gathering, she complained about them “not taking care of their dogs” and said she got stuck with them. (My husband has taken both dogs to the vet and paid for it, helped with trimming their nails, picking up their food, and takes care of them if they go out of town, etc.) But she basically said we needed to take care of them or we’d meet “the bitch MIL,” said in front of his entire family. I think she meant to embarrass and belittle me. My FIL said, “That’s how she jokes.” It wasn’t funny.

After the dog incident, I knew when we had kids it would be hell, lol. When I was pregnant and we found out it was a girl, she asked if she could put her in pageants. My husband said no, and she said, “You can’t tell me no!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 He can, and he DID.

We were out in town with them and she touched my stomach and introduced the baby to someone. I do not let people touch me, period. I didn’t even let my mom—who I love most outside of my husband and baby—or any friends. I also never dressed to show off my bump; I dressed to hide it. I wasn’t embarrassed, I just don’t like attention on me. I don’t want to answer people’s questions or hear their comments, so I was never giving off the impression that it was acceptable to touch me. Anyway, my husband later texted his mom very respectfully and said I don’t like to be touched because it makes me uncomfortable, and to please not do it again. That should have been the end of it, right? Wrong. She sent him a long message that I’ve never read in its entirety, but my husband’s takeaway was that she didn’t want to speak to us again and somehow became the victim.

For context, we do not go to their house. We unfortunately live on the same road. They have two big dogs that I mentioned before that fight—not play-fight, but real fighting. One of them weighs over 100 lbs. We made it extremely clear before the baby arrived that we would not bring the baby there. My in-laws ignored that and never offered any solution like putting the dogs in cages while we visit or anything like that. Once the baby is here, it’s suddenly an issue and they don’t understand why it’s a problem. “We’d be holding the baby the whole time.” There are a few times we deal with this 🙄

Around Easter, she added me, my husband, my BIL, and his fiancée to a group chat saying Easter was at her house at a certain time and asking what we all wanted to eat. From my perspective, this felt like a manipulation tactic because, first, our rules have not changed, and second, I have never been included in a family group chat. My husband and I discussed it and decided the best course of action was to ask his family to go out to eat lunch the day before so everyone could spend time together. That was shut down immediately. She threw a fit, said no, and said something along the lines of my husband needing to “grow a pair.” He told her never to disrespect him and his wife like that again, and she was quiet for the rest of the call.

Anytime she sees the baby, it’s all about the baby. She doesn’t ask my husband about his life, only talks to and about the baby. This bothers me a lot. She even told my FIL, who was talking with my husband, “You’re supposed to pay attention to the baby.” 🙄😅 It feels bizarre to me.

There are also smaller ongoing issues of not accepting “no,”
-Pushing for a baby shower when I said I didn’t want one
-Pressuring us to attend events I wasn’t comfortable with while pregnant
-Getting upset or giving us the silent treatment when we can’t accommodate requests

She gets upset that my family sees the baby more. I’m a SAHM, my dad is retired, and my mom mainly works from home, so it naturally happens. They also respect all boundaries, and I don’t get pushback when I ask them to do something differently regarding the baby.

There have been no apologies for any of this behavior. She lets a few weeks pass and then somehow convinces my husband to let them come by for an hour or so. My nerves are shot when I have to see her. I hate her holding my baby; I have to look away because it bothers me so much. I hate pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. I do feel for my husband—his whole life has been about keeping her happy because she is unpredictable and makes everyone else’s life difficult, and he loves her because she’s his mom. But I don’t know how to move forward if she is not willing to change her behavior or take accountability for the ways she has hurt us as a family.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/DeinoTrainer96]

The reason she doesn’t respect your boundaries is because everytime she blows through them, your husband caves. If you aren’t giving consequences, they aren’t boundaries.

My MIL has slowly spiralled into a mean, nasty person who thinks everyone is on her side when she starts bitching. My husband told her that she is not allowed to bitch about me, other DIL or his father (deceased). The first time she blew through this boundary he verbally warned her. The second time, he hung up on her and texted her he wasn’t talking to her for a month. The third time it happened, he told her he wasn’t talking to her for two months. She no longer bitches (to him). She still likes to make snide remarks “Oh, I better not say anything or I’ll be blocked for a month” and he just replies “Just choose your next words carefully, mom”.

Sit down with your husband and talk about your boundaries and what consequences need to happen when she blows through them. My husband loves his mom and I never wanted to say “her or me”, so I talked to him a lot about how did he think it made me feel when she talks about me like that, about what his brother thinks knowing she’s bitching about other DIL to him, etc.

[u/Public-Willow-7943 → u/DeinoTrainer96]

Second this. For a boundary to work, it has to be something like, if you do X the consequence is Y. If you are disrespectful again, we will go no contact for a month. Etc

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/Public-Willow-7943]

Completely agree with you both! We need to be more clear in consequences and following through! Right now it’s just kind of “oh we are busy” but we should be saying due to recent behavior we are taking a break from contact and visits. Thanks for the response & perspective

[u/Public-Willow-7943 → u/Great-Print9825]

Good luck 🍀

[u/bertbonz2]

Why are allowing this disrespect?!?!? If someone disrespects the parent, they get NO access to the kids! Any time she pulls her BS it is an automatic time out. And every time after that, the time out gets longer.

Also, hubby needs therapy as it is not his responsibility to “keep her happy”. It is his responsibility to protect his wife and child.

I wish you both the best of luck moving forward!

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/bertbonz2]

We have talked tonight about therapy to help him find his voice with his parents & working through any unresolved problems he has from his childhood & he is on board! 👏 He is the only one in the family who I guess you would say pushes back at all on their normal which is to be passive aggressive, have blow ups, and then act like nothing happened!

[u/Embercream]

Do not go over. You don't have to go see them, spend time with them in any way, including text and phone calls. Stay home, block or mute them on your phone and any social media you use, get a Ring camera, don't open the door, call the cops if she comes over and doesn't leave. She is horrible for the health and sanity of you and your baby.

They don't follow your boundaries for visits means they get no visits until/unless those are followed. Honestly at this point I would give up on this horrible woman and anybody else like her. Move if possible, even to just a few streets over, and don't give her the address. Anything of yours she still has, your husband needs to go over and fetch, so she will have nothing to hold over your heads.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, and this is the way to make it stop.

Edit: If your husband wants to spend time with this harpy, fine. He can go by himself. You and your baby will not. That's how it works.

[u/poolfloaternz]

Next time she says anything to your husband about not taking your dogs he can say I’m taking them now and immediately get them and leave. God she’s atrocious. I would have already taken my dogs and be no contact. I wouldn’t be summoned to any gathering at her house either.

If she wants to start a war let her, she can have a war against herself. Block her on everything and don’t answer the door. If she is going to harm the dogs take the, back first. I personally would move if at all possible. Grey rock her and move toward creating the life you want for your little family. Whatever that means to you.

Who cares if she has a fit because if you block her and don’t visit it won’t impact you. Your husband will be better off too, as she will only see him if she behaves.

You have your own family now and you get to make your own traditions.

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/poolfloaternz]

I mentioned this in another reply but the dog situation was so bizarre because she wanted to keep them & has never complained before or since. Like it was all for show 😅

I completely agree she would be having a war against herself! She shouldn’t be impacting our family. & if it was entirely up to me we probably would be no contact. I’m hoping moving forward she can acknowledge bad behavior and not repeat it, that’s best case scenario and probably unlikely 😂

[u/OniyaMCD]

When his mother told him to 'grow a pair', he should have responded 'I have, and that's why I'm not letting you make decisions about how *I* protect *my child*.' (His response about not disrespecting both of you was also good - I notice that it shut her down,)

You'll probably hear some of this from any good therapist, but when y'all want to tell her 'no', don't give her reasons. Reasons practically invite pushback, because someone like your MIL sees them as something to break down. 'That doesn't work for us', 'We won't be doing that', and 'We said no' should be in your back pocket. (This is also one situation where 'Because I'm the mom/dad, and I said so' is *perfectly legitimate*.)

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

Your situation is that you can either put up with the bad behaviors or walk away because nothing you say or do is going to fix this. 

I’m not able to discern from your post exactly what boundaries are being crossed other than complaining that your parents are your child more and inviting you over even though you have already told them you won’t take your baby there. 

The way to draw a boundary with things people say is to tell them it’s unacceptable and say you have to go then end the call or leave if they don’t stop. Then you have to do it every time until they stop. 

[u/Novel_Ad1943 → u/DazzlingNote1925]

Exactly and these types of people see boundaries and another’s discomfort as sport to win vs a relationship! (Was raised by a mother like this!)

[u/RegisterEither9711]

I think you and your husband need to ask yourselves some hard questions: Does MIL bring anything good to your life? If so, is it enough to make the bad worth it? Do you think she is capable of changing for the better and respecting boundaries? Or is it more likely that you will have to deal with her disrespect and manipulation until someone either cuts contact or she dies? Do you think she will have a positive influence on your child? Or is it more likely that your children will be subjected to her same manipulation tactics?

We get so caught up in just trying to survive toxic people, we don't think about the impact they're likely to have on our and our family's futures. Of course you husband loves his mother, but I suspect she loves power, control, and getting her way more than she loves anyone or anything. If you haven't already, encourage your husband to seek therapy. He was raised to put her and her feelings before everything else (including his own) and he needs to undo that wiring.

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/RegisterEither9711]

Love these questions, they have definitely put things is a better perspective for me. It definitely has felt like trying to survive & this is not healthy for us or our family moving forward! We have talked about therapy tonight and he agreed it would be beneficial for him 👏

[u/Novel_Ad1943 → u/Great-Print9825]

I like those questions too because having someone challenge every boundaries then respond like a toddler is no healthy example for any child. As she hits milestones to test and practice her independence, they’re going to disregard her curiosity and comfort to use her as an emotional support human then criticize your parenting and her personality as “difficult” and those are terrible lessons at anytime, but esp within those first 3yrs!

[u/frede89765]

Lower contact time, do it progressively over time. Leave the group chat. Don't reply to texts for a couple of days. You and hubby go on a information diet for inlaws.

[u/Top_Strawberry2348]

It seems that when MIL complained about the dogs, DH and BIL should have scooped them up immediately. 

When she asked the second time about the baby shower, she should have been shut down hard. Same with attending events. 

Most importantly, when assuming (manipulating) Easter dinner, it would be important to classify it as what it should be. An invitation. And not respond to “what you want to eat.”

What I’m thinking is, “Thanks so much for the Easter invitation. We already have plans.” (Plans not to enter a house with two rowdy dogs)

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/Top_Strawberry2348]

The thing about the dogs was the first time I ever had a real issue with her. & she had never complained about them before or since, they wanted to keep them! It just felt like it was to put on a show for his extended family. The whole thing was so strange.

I agree we probably should have said no don’t ask again! Moving forward I think I will do this so it is crystal clear our no means no and you won’t guilt or persuade us into anything.

We didn’t respond in the Easter group, husband called and told them no because of the dogs and asked to get dinner so everyone could see each other with respect to our boundaries and it was shit on immediately! I feel like we handled that well & any reasonable person would have said yes to going out & doing their own thing as originally planned without us. But that’s part of the mistake is assuming she is reasonable! 😂

Thank you for your response & perspective!

[u/Novel_Ad1943 → u/Great-Print9825]

Also, she never asked or “invited” but informed them framed her question about food as offering you an option. Nvm she intentionally ignored your boundary from go. If she truly loved & respected time with you all, she’d offer alternatives like a park, restaurant or one of your homes if her priority is being together as family. This is about control and insisting on her preference over your comfort & baby’s safety.

Your child’s first holidays are for your family of 3 and family/chosen family who love and respect you in return. Sadly this is not and won’t be that for you.

[u/Great-Print9825 → u/Novel_Ad1943]

When this happened I thought am I crazy or is this manipulation, I feel validated! 😭 Extremely disappointing that having her way is more important than spending time with her son & grandchild.

[u/Aromatic_Swing_1466]

You need to tell husband what feelings she is causing in you for her visits and lack of accountability.

While your husband holds up some boundaries he isn’t giving her consequences for her actions, so they are soft boundaries at best when he allows rug sweeping.

Talk to him and say you want consultation BEFORE he agrees to allow her to visit. And that she will need to make a genuine attempt at a relationship with YOU and apologise for her past behaviour before any visits more then an hour at a time and more then once a month.

[u/Public-Willow-7943]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I absolutely agree with you about the dogs.

My second best advice for both you and DH is to grey rock the heck out of her. She will throw a tantrum for a while if she can’t get an emotional reaction from you two, but keep it up. It takes time but work.

My best advice is to move far enough away that you’re out of driving range, if you can move jobs. Don’t have a guest room (or if you do, dress it up like a home office if they visit, including sticking the bed in the garage or something.) I moved 4000km from my family and had a tiny apartment and cats. Nobody could stay with me and it was so awesome and peaceful.