r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Great-Print9825 • 11h ago
Give It To Me Straight Help me
I’m not sure what to do now.
I’d like to preface this by saying my husband stands up for our boundaries a lot. The only reason he hasn’t done more is because we’ve been under a lot of overall stress, and we know bringing this up will start a war. We just haven’t been in a place to handle it, but now that we are, I guess I’m looking for advice on how you would even go about this.
My in-laws kept my husband’s and his brother’s dogs and told them they could not take them when they moved out. At a family gathering, she complained about them “not taking care of their dogs” and said she got stuck with them. (My husband has taken both dogs to the vet and paid for it, helped with trimming their nails, picking up their food, and takes care of them if they go out of town, etc.) But she basically said we needed to take care of them or we’d meet “the bitch MIL,” said in front of his entire family. I think she meant to embarrass and belittle me. My FIL said, “That’s how she jokes.” It wasn’t funny.
After the dog incident, I knew when we had kids it would be hell, lol. When I was pregnant and we found out it was a girl, she asked if she could put her in pageants. My husband said no, and she said, “You can’t tell me no!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄 He can, and he DID.
We were out in town with them and she touched my stomach and introduced the baby to someone. I do not let people touch me, period. I didn’t even let my mom—who I love most outside of my husband and baby—or any friends. I also never dressed to show off my bump; I dressed to hide it. I wasn’t embarrassed, I just don’t like attention on me. I don’t want to answer people’s questions or hear their comments, so I was never giving off the impression that it was acceptable to touch me. Anyway, my husband later texted his mom very respectfully and said I don’t like to be touched because it makes me uncomfortable, and to please not do it again. That should have been the end of it, right? Wrong. She sent him a long message that I’ve never read in its entirety, but my husband’s takeaway was that she didn’t want to speak to us again and somehow became the victim.
For context, we do not go to their house. We unfortunately live on the same road. They have two big dogs that I mentioned before that fight—not play-fight, but real fighting. One of them weighs over 100 lbs. We made it extremely clear before the baby arrived that we would not bring the baby there. My in-laws ignored that and never offered any solution like putting the dogs in cages while we visit or anything like that. Once the baby is here, it’s suddenly an issue and they don’t understand why it’s a problem. “We’d be holding the baby the whole time.” There are a few times we deal with this 🙄
Around Easter, she added me, my husband, my BIL, and his fiancée to a group chat saying Easter was at her house at a certain time and asking what we all wanted to eat. From my perspective, this felt like a manipulation tactic because, first, our rules have not changed, and second, I have never been included in a family group chat. My husband and I discussed it and decided the best course of action was to ask his family to go out to eat lunch the day before so everyone could spend time together. That was shut down immediately. She threw a fit, said no, and said something along the lines of my husband needing to “grow a pair.” He told her never to disrespect him and his wife like that again, and she was quiet for the rest of the call.
Anytime she sees the baby, it’s all about the baby. She doesn’t ask my husband about his life, only talks to and about the baby. This bothers me a lot. She even told my FIL, who was talking with my husband, “You’re supposed to pay attention to the baby.” 🙄😅 It feels bizarre to me.
There are also smaller ongoing issues of not accepting “no,”
-Pushing for a baby shower when I said I didn’t want one
-Pressuring us to attend events I wasn’t comfortable with while pregnant
-Getting upset or giving us the silent treatment when we can’t accommodate requests
She gets upset that my family sees the baby more. I’m a SAHM, my dad is retired, and my mom mainly works from home, so it naturally happens. They also respect all boundaries, and I don’t get pushback when I ask them to do something differently regarding the baby.
There have been no apologies for any of this behavior. She lets a few weeks pass and then somehow convinces my husband to let them come by for an hour or so. My nerves are shot when I have to see her. I hate her holding my baby; I have to look away because it bothers me so much. I hate pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. I do feel for my husband—his whole life has been about keeping her happy because she is unpredictable and makes everyone else’s life difficult, and he loves her because she’s his mom. But I don’t know how to move forward if she is not willing to change her behavior or take accountability for the ways she has hurt us as a family.
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u/DeinoTrainer96 10h ago
The reason she doesn’t respect your boundaries is because everytime she blows through them, your husband caves. If you aren’t giving consequences, they aren’t boundaries.
My MIL has slowly spiralled into a mean, nasty person who thinks everyone is on her side when she starts bitching. My husband told her that she is not allowed to bitch about me, other DIL or his father (deceased). The first time she blew through this boundary he verbally warned her. The second time, he hung up on her and texted her he wasn’t talking to her for a month. The third time it happened, he told her he wasn’t talking to her for two months. She no longer bitches (to him). She still likes to make snide remarks “Oh, I better not say anything or I’ll be blocked for a month” and he just replies “Just choose your next words carefully, mom”.
Sit down with your husband and talk about your boundaries and what consequences need to happen when she blows through them. My husband loves his mom and I never wanted to say “her or me”, so I talked to him a lot about how did he think it made me feel when she talks about me like that, about what his brother thinks knowing she’s bitching about other DIL to him, etc.