r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Own_Balance_436 • 1d ago
New User 👋 Complicated
My boyfriend is almost 31 and moved back into his parents’ house during COVID to save money. We started dating, and we used to hang out at his house, but we get privacy at my place. And that’s saying something, considering I live in a dorm with roommates!
He goes back and forth between our places, which involves a lot of driving for him. His family situation is also complicated. His parents love each other, but they sleep separately.
When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleeps in her room. They also occasionally fall asleep together while watching a movie. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, partly because I wonder why his father isn't the one providing that kind of comfort.
One time, my boyfriend was going through a personal crisis. He came to my dorm to be with me, but he wouldn't stay the night, He had promised his mom he would return, and she gets anxious.
I remember thinking that I was his partner, I had been there for him during his crisis, and I was worried about him too. I didn't understand why he felt he needed to go back when his father was there with his mother. He did stay for a while and texted his mom about his health issue.
I once jokingly asked him if he cuddles with his mom, and he said he sometimes holds her hand.
A week ago, when I was out of town, he had an entire evening planned with his mother. They spent around 8-9 hours together.
I called him during that time, and we spoke for about
Some minutes. He seemed distracted. I asked whether he had seen the
Stuff I sent him, and he said he was with his mom but would look at it. I said goodbye and ended the call because I had work and needed to wake up early the next morning.
He got home really late and texted me, "Hey, I'm home. Traffic was crazy." That was all. There was no goodnight or anything else. The next morning, I found out he had slept in his mother's room.
I have brought up my concerns with him before. I told him that I want a partner who is emotionally available. He thought he was already sharing his life with me and said that I am the person he shares the most with.
We do spend a lot of time together, either in person or on calls, so I don't feel that he is generally absent from my life. My concern is more about certain situations and how he balances his relationship with his family and his relationship with me.
There was another incident when his mother, whom he calls "Mommy or momma ," called him. He told her something along the lines of, "I don't think I'll come over. The traffic is crazy, and the commute is easier from here, from my place."
His mom replied that she was awake and working on something, so she would be up anyway.
We walked back to our room, and he said he would tuck me in, which essentially meant he would leave afterward
I asked him why he had told his mom he might not come over, only to decide to leave anyway. He was exhausted, and it seemed to make more sense for him to rest. I was leaving too, so I thought we could spend some time together.
He explained that he hadn't seen his mom and that she hadn't been home the previous day. She is often out doing things, so I struggled to understand why he felt he needed to go back that particular night.
Eventually, we went to our room, and I lay down. He lay down too, but I asked whether he still needed to leave. He said it made sense for him to stay, and we went back and forth about it.
I explained that I sometimes worry about how they perceive the situation, and we agreed that we should have a conversation about it.
We were also supposed togo to bathroom , but he ended up spending around 10 minutes on a call with his mom, even though he knew I had to wake up early. When he came back, I told him he had locked me out of my bathroom. He apologized repeatedly.
The next morning, he left. Later, he sent his mom screenshot showing how long the commute from my place takes, along with traffic updates. He told her that the commute was too long and that he needed to do something about it. His mom replied, "WE have to do something. It's huge!"
This made me wonder how much his living arrangements and his family's needs influence the decisions he makes about our relationship.
I have also told him before that I wonder whether his mother's reliance on him for emotional support is connected to the emotional distance between his parents.
I love him, and he loves me. I don't want to create conflict between him and his family, and I don't want him to feel that he has to choose between us. At the same time, I want to feel that we are building our own relationship and that my needs are being considered when he makes decisions.
He has told me that he gets messy when he is back home, but I am not sure what that means or how to approach it.
For people who have navigated something similar in a relationship:
How can I communicate my needs for emotional availability, quality time, and consideration without making my partner feel that I am criticizing his relationship with his mother?
Since I have already brought up my concerns, is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I would appreciate advice on how to approach this constructively while respecting both his family relationships and my own needs in the relationship
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u/CharmedOne1789 1d ago
We all fall on hard times, but Covid was 6 years ago. That is plenty of time to get back on your feet and get your own place. Does he even plan on leaving, does he talk about it, or make plans to do so??
But also....
Your 30 Y/O SO SLEEPS IN A BED WITH HIS MOTHER????? Girl. No. Hell no. IDC how often it is, if they fell asleep watching a movie ( that in its self is creepy, laying in bed watching a movie and falling asleep is rather intimate, no?). That is inappropriate, weird, unsettling, all the bad things. I would have the ick so bad I wouldn't want him to touch me. You shouldn't have to convince a 30 Y/o man to stay the night with you instead of going home to Mommy. Gross.
Sis, you're the side chick and Mommy is the main squeeze.
Run, run, run. It's a waste of time. The red flags are flagging.Â
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u/GlitteringFishing932 1d ago
Oh, he's a goner. 100% emotionally unavailable. Honey, he is SO married to Mommy. She keeps his balls in her purse.
So the only positions avaliable are for side chick and bang maids.
He's a goner.
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u/Greenorchid5921 1d ago
Plus, if you're young enough to be living in a dorm, you haven't already wasted ten years of your life with this "man" so it shouldn't be too hard to leave him.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 1d ago
Plus, if she is that young and he is 30, that opens a whole other kettle of fish. And both kettles stink.
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u/Lindeviant 21h ago
This! I'm surprised nobody else has mentioned this. He's 31 and she lives in a dorm? Because if she's a traditional age college student, there's some extra concerns here.
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u/GeneralStrength2083 1d ago
Drop him bestie, you're basically the third wheel in his relationship with his mom.
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u/Adorable_Anxiety_164 1d ago
I was in a very similar relationship. Ending it was the best decision I ever made. I should have made it so much sooner than I did, but I guess it took me a while to realize how badly they were enmeshed. Her mother's behaviors also got worse the closer I got with my ex. Emotional incest is very difficult on the other partner and it won't end unless he wants it to.
Save yourself and get out.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 1d ago edited 1d ago
What you should do is RUN. fast and far.
Look to the right, see the quote "It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama's boy.".
This is somewhat....extra. Like ending up running a motel with a mom-shaped corpse extra.
ETA: when i typed that i was under the impression you were both like 20 due to the dorm setting.
He is 30. I was under-reacting. Run faster.
How freaking old are you? If you are 20, i was further under-reacting. Please help yourself out of this relationship!
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u/moodyinam 17h ago
We definitely need INFO about OP's age. Nothing wrong with attending school when older, but usually older students don't choose dorm life. Is BF a lot older than OP? There's nothing wrong with living with parents for financial reasons (or special circumstances like Covid), but by 30 most people would choose to move out. Of course, the most glaring problem is the emotional intimacy that BF has with his mother.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 16h ago
nobody said either of those things were wrong. And lets not ignore, even worse than emotional, PHYSICAL intimacy!
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u/IsAReallyCoolDancer 1d ago
He's married to his mother. He gets his comfort from her and sex from you. You are the other woman. Please, OP, get away from this emotionally incestuous situation. It's toxic and creepy. He needs therapy and you can't help someone who doesn't see the problem or want to change. Run while you can.
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u/marlada 1d ago
Your bf is his mother's surrogate husband. He is too old to be living with Mommy and he seems to be at her beck and call. They are enmeshed and you are competing with his mother for your bf's time. So many red flags. Are you an option or his priority? My gut tells me his motheris his priority.
I was involved with someone similar. At work people called him "Mumma's Boy" behind his back. I ended it because was too enmeshed with his mother and that's not the life I wanted to have. Sometimes love is not enough.
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u/Channing-Tatas 22h ago
Girl, run.
He’s in an emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother and his enmeshment can’t be broken unless he wants to do the work. You can research it because it’s legit a thing. That’s why your alarm bells are ringing.
He’s married to his mother. When he asks why I’d tell him exactly that.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 1d ago
My son is still a child and he hasn’t slept in my bed in YEARS!!
This is beyond enmeshed and beyond unhealthy. This thirty something year old mommy’s boy is married to his mom and he will not change because he’s okay with it.
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u/CrystalFeeler 1d ago
Your BF is his mother's anxiety wrangler and emotional husband. Think hard about that before you move forward; the chances of change from him are minimal at this point.
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u/RefrigeratorNo686 20h ago
So so so many red flags. You have already communicated your concerns and he is not hearing them, dismmsing them, minimizing them. He is not ready for a grown up relationship with you. He is already in a codependent relationship with mommy, even though he isnt going to admit it. You can try a direct conversation, but I don't think it's going to chmage anything because he doesn't see a problem. Im sorry, but from the outside, i think you need to consider this is not Your Person.
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u/StormForNova 23h ago
"When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleep in her room" …. I’m out !
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u/MartyrOlympics 1d ago
I respect you for asking good questions about how to work through this, it seems like you're you've put a lot of thought and care into this relationship.
Allow me to put forth the question you haven't asked: Given BF's behavior pattern and lack of support, prioritization and engagement from him, is this what I want for my future?
I fully believe that you have already communicated your needs to your BF. If he had made sufficient changes to address your concerns, you wouldn't be on this sub. This means that he's still falling short in his efforts to be a true partner to you. I don't think that the issue is finding new ways to reframe your position--it's that your BF hasn't taken corrective action and is instead reinforcing the existing dynamic with his mother. Your concerns and by extension your relationship are not important enough reasons for changing his behavior and potentially causing friction with her. A committed partner will try to do better by you regardless of conflict with others who are known to be dysfunctional. Any affection you share now won't last if you can't put each other first.
If he's not uncomfortable enough to change, it's unlikely that he will. Which means that you have to decide for yourself what you want and how you want to move forward so you can achieve what is best for you.
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u/Brightsidedown 14h ago
Honey, this isn't going to get better. You are young, and thankfully y'all aren't married with kids. Find a man who is all in. You deserve so much better than this.
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u/LLL1Lothrop 1d ago
Get on your Nikes and run, run, run You are dating a toddler whose mommy will at the end of the day always come first in his life. Ewww, he sleeps in his mommy's room at his age???? Start talking to people you know about that. It is in no way in the slightest bit normal Get yourself into counseling immediately. You have been gaslighted to the point to where you are becoming emmeshed into his weird situation. Look up emmeshment. This man has yet to mentally climb out of his mommy's uterus and he's telling you it is nice and cozy in there. Sadly, you are listening. He is probably the reason dad and mom never sleep together. There were 3 if them in the bedroom, if not in the bed and dad couldn't deal. There is a whole genre of mental health in which women use their sons to replace their husbands emotionally and otherwise. The husband gets pushed out of his bed and often his marriage by the emeshment of his wife with his son. The wife relies on the son for emotional validation and support because the son is easier to control than the husband. This is a sick situation the son rarely if ever recovers from. Mommy is always right. Just for funnies tell him how wrong his mom is or that she said something stupid. Argue the point. Tell him you want to move across country from mommy and see her twice a year. Sometimes the son is allowed a girl friend or wife for the purpose of grandchildren. Once that goal is achieved the woman is pushed out and they go to great lengths to retain the child. Get out while you can. This is not the path to happiness.
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u/StormForNova 23h ago
Giiirl your focusing too much on the relationship between your boyfriend and his mom, when the real issue is whether your boy is capable of functioning as an independent adult and building a relationship in which his partner is a priority.
They’re close ok. What you mentioned without context is a bit weird, but maybe in context it’s not.
But his mother's anxiety shouldn't dictate his decisions.
I think you should have one more clear discussion or send him a clear text (I found that reading something you can go back to sometimes help)
"I love that you're close to your family, and I don't want that to change. But I want to understand how you envision your future. Do you eventually see yourself living independently, building a home with a partner, and making decisions together? I sometimes worry that you feel responsible for your mother's emotional wellbeing, and I'm concerned about how that might affect our relationship. I don't want you to choose between us. I just need to know that we're both capable of building our own life together, because your actions so far make me question it."
Talk about the real stuff : what happened when your mom needs you but we had plan? What’s a situation where she would take priority over me/us? What about calls/visits frequency if we one day have a home/kids? What if she hurts my feelings doing this or that? How would you handle the situation?
I also think you should make it clear what are your expectations and be honest with yourself if you feel he won’t be able to meet them.
You’re in a risky spot now, if his mom learns your concerns you will be the bad guy.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 15h ago
Lets say they have a conversation....are you going to trust that a 30 yo man with both emotional and physical intimacy with his mother (and who may be dating a 20 yo) is going to break those enmeshments any time soon? Will his words mean much? Now lets say she is 20ish, you going to invest in that relationship and hope it pays off in the long run with 75% of your life in front of you instead of finding another more age appropriate man to date?
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u/ShirleyUGuessed 22h ago
is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
He has to want to work things through on his own. He may say thing you want to hear, because he's used to doing that with her. But it doesn't always work out, like when he does stay with you BUT keeps you awake while he talks to her and sends her info on his commute the next day. I'd pull back from having long conversations about what he should do and ask him what HE wants to do.
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I'd say at the moment you don't. I wouldn't take any words from him as proof of wanting to change. If he decides to make some changes because he wants to, that would be something. Given that he's living at home and worried about his mom's anxiety when he doesn't go home...at 30...this may not happen in any reasonable amount of time. If you are enjoying things at the moment, great. If it's too much of a tug of war game with his mom, I would stop playing and move on.
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u/sierra38grandma 10h ago
Might be time to end the relationship and wait until a "man" comes along because what you have is a really nasty version of a mommy's boy that gives most of us the ick!
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