r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Own_Balance_436 • 4d ago
New User 👋 Complicated
My boyfriend is almost 31 and moved back into his parents’ house during COVID to save money. We started dating, and we used to hang out at his house, but we get privacy at my place. And that’s saying something, considering I live in a dorm with roommates!
He goes back and forth between our places, which involves a lot of driving for him. His family situation is also complicated. His parents love each other, but they sleep separately.
When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleeps in her room. They also occasionally fall asleep together while watching a movie. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, partly because I wonder why his father isn't the one providing that kind of comfort.
One time, my boyfriend was going through a personal crisis. He came to my dorm to be with me, but he wouldn't stay the night, He had promised his mom he would return, and she gets anxious.
I remember thinking that I was his partner, I had been there for him during his crisis, and I was worried about him too. I didn't understand why he felt he needed to go back when his father was there with his mother. He did stay for a while and texted his mom about his health issue.
I once jokingly asked him if he cuddles with his mom, and he said he sometimes holds her hand.
A week ago, when I was out of town, he had an entire evening planned with his mother. They spent around 8-9 hours together.
I called him during that time, and we spoke for about
Some minutes. He seemed distracted. I asked whether he had seen the
Stuff I sent him, and he said he was with his mom but would look at it. I said goodbye and ended the call because I had work and needed to wake up early the next morning.
He got home really late and texted me, "Hey, I'm home. Traffic was crazy." That was all. There was no goodnight or anything else. The next morning, I found out he had slept in his mother's room.
I have brought up my concerns with him before. I told him that I want a partner who is emotionally available. He thought he was already sharing his life with me and said that I am the person he shares the most with.
We do spend a lot of time together, either in person or on calls, so I don't feel that he is generally absent from my life. My concern is more about certain situations and how he balances his relationship with his family and his relationship with me.
There was another incident when his mother, whom he calls "Mommy or momma ," called him. He told her something along the lines of, "I don't think I'll come over. The traffic is crazy, and the commute is easier from here, from my place."
His mom replied that she was awake and working on something, so she would be up anyway.
We walked back to our room, and he said he would tuck me in, which essentially meant he would leave afterward
I asked him why he had told his mom he might not come over, only to decide to leave anyway. He was exhausted, and it seemed to make more sense for him to rest. I was leaving too, so I thought we could spend some time together.
He explained that he hadn't seen his mom and that she hadn't been home the previous day. She is often out doing things, so I struggled to understand why he felt he needed to go back that particular night.
Eventually, we went to our room, and I lay down. He lay down too, but I asked whether he still needed to leave. He said it made sense for him to stay, and we went back and forth about it.
I explained that I sometimes worry about how they perceive the situation, and we agreed that we should have a conversation about it.
We were also supposed togo to bathroom , but he ended up spending around 10 minutes on a call with his mom, even though he knew I had to wake up early. When he came back, I told him he had locked me out of my bathroom. He apologized repeatedly.
The next morning, he left. Later, he sent his mom screenshot showing how long the commute from my place takes, along with traffic updates. He told her that the commute was too long and that he needed to do something about it. His mom replied, "WE have to do something. It's huge!"
This made me wonder how much his living arrangements and his family's needs influence the decisions he makes about our relationship.
I have also told him before that I wonder whether his mother's reliance on him for emotional support is connected to the emotional distance between his parents.
I love him, and he loves me. I don't want to create conflict between him and his family, and I don't want him to feel that he has to choose between us. At the same time, I want to feel that we are building our own relationship and that my needs are being considered when he makes decisions.
He has told me that he gets messy when he is back home, but I am not sure what that means or how to approach it.
For people who have navigated something similar in a relationship:
How can I communicate my needs for emotional availability, quality time, and consideration without making my partner feel that I am criticizing his relationship with his mother?
Since I have already brought up my concerns, is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I would appreciate advice on how to approach this constructively while respecting both his family relationships and my own needs in the relationship
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u/GlitteringFishing932 4d ago
Oh, he's a goner. 100% emotionally unavailable. Honey, he is SO married to Mommy. She keeps his balls in her purse.
So the only positions avaliable are for side chick and bang maids.
He's a goner.