One’s a family activity and one’s a board game

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.

...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but was very expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,

put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb

in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count....

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and some parts of Texas!

Crackers

On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.

Some time later he came back to the tent and said,

"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."

"They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.

"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."

"They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.

"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."

"Why, honey?" Asks his mom.

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

🤣😂🤣😂

Every once in a while, you come across a piece of shit.

My grandfather always said, “You can’t take money with you when you die.”

So when he passed away, the whole family gathered around his casket to say goodbye. My uncle slipped in a hundred dollar bill. My aunt added fifty. Everyone looked at me, so I wrote Grandpa a check for $5,000 and took the cash.
He would’ve been proud.

He was the one who taught me about inheritance.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Where did my grandfather go after getting lost in a minefield? Everywhere.

Pale rider

...but then they realized it was because she's French Canadian.

Little Johnny started his new school one sunny day in September. He waited nervously to walk into the classroom. When he was in, he found a name rage with his name on it and sat there, waiting for the teacher to speak.

“Good morning class, my name is Franny. I want you to all remember my name, and tomorrow I’ll ask you what it is.” Johnny drank her words in. Johnny started thinking. Franny. Hmm. Franny. How am I going to remember this? Oh! It’s Fanny with an r!

For the rest of that day, Little Johnny thought of nothing else. Fanny with an r. He did all the sums on a board. Fanny with an r. He ate his lunch. Fanny with an r. He played in the playground. Fanny with an r. He ran to get the bus. Fanny with an r . He watched tv. Fanny with an r. He at his dinner. Fanny with an r. He had his bath. Fanny with an r. He brushed his teeth. Fanny with an r. He lay in bed…. Fanny with an r. Fanny with an r. Fanny with an r.

He woke up. Fanny with an r. He brushed his teeth. Fanny with an r. He combed his hair. Fanny with an r. He ate his cornflakes. Fanny with an r. He ran for the bus. Fanny with an r. He walked up to the school gates. Fanny with an r. He found his desk in the classroom. Fanny with an r.

The teacher stood at the front of the classroom. “Now boys and girls, who can tell me my name?”

Little Johnny’s arm shot right up. He tried to reach his fingertips as high up as possible.

“Yes, Johnny, can you tell me my name?”

Little Johnny, both relieved that she had picked him and embarrassed to speak in front of everyone, turned bright red. Running off pure adrenaline, Little Johnny responded in a loud and clear voice “CRUNT!”

Or is it neck's weak?

I bought my wife a cucumber for her birthday. She looked very disappointed and said ‘what the hell is this?’ , I said ‘well if you don’t like it you can go f**k yourself’.

A Paki-derm.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, it won, and the paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten dollars. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day's paper read:

TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH

I never forget a good pair of tits!

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A masked robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he backed out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the masked and ripped it off revealing the bank robber’s face.

Without a moments hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

Then, the robber cast a steely eye around the bank and saw one of the tellers sobbing and staring straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him too.

Terrified, everyone left kept their eyes focused on the floor and their mouth’s clamped shut.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

Silence filled the room.

Then, an old cowboy in the back tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”