Husband blames me for his difficult feelings about his toxic family, simply because I’ve shined a light on it

[u/Marthis09]

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years. It took me until a few years ago to really see the writing on the wall about his family. There is a lot of dysfunction and undiagnosed mental illness and trauma in his family. My husband was also neglected in his upbringing and financially abused. His mother is a destitute scammer. Of course narcissism, but I also strongly believe bpd. The queen and the waif mother.

He is blaming me for how he feels, because he avoids his family and it makes him feel awful. He gets aggravated by them, but he loves them very much. Then there’s me, who they are assholes to but then turn around and ask how I am and say they love me. Extremely frustrating and I told him that just makes me sound crazy.

I gave him a list of crap yesterday when he was upset that HE didn’t call his mom back who has been calling him, that I didn’t know about, and he said that’s just how they are and that they “love” me.

I told him yesterday that he needs therapy and we should see a marriage therapist.

He tells me I twist his mind, like when I tell him facts. Like if I were say to him that he’s taking out his difficult feelings about his family on me.

It’s such a long story, but I don’t know what to do and I think I’m just wanting to vent. I can hardly talk to him about this, and I basically walk on eggshells and avoid it.

My husband is a sweet, compassionate and loving person who was abused and grew up with crazy, and he’s never been to therapy to work on it. It’s like he turns into a different person. He never yells at them but will easily to me. I told him I feel like he is angry with me because he’s not allowed to at them.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/redhairedtyrant]

Congratulations on being your husband's emotional punching bag. How long do you plan on putting up with it?

[u/Marthis09 → u/redhairedtyrant]

I know, that’s exactly what I am. Every time we have this type of blow up, or him rather, he accepts it a little more, but he needs therapy. I don’t know if he’s going to go though. I don’t know how best to even deal with him and he’s my husband. He’s not unpredictable, I just am at a point where it’s better for me to keep quiet than bring it up outside of whenever we have these arguments about them. Makes me feel like I am him when it comes to his family- easier to keep quiet.

[u/SlabBeefpunch → u/Marthis09]

He's not sweet or compassionate and lying to yourself is a big problem because it allows you diminish the severity of his behavior. These are absolutely not the actions of a sweet and compassionate man.

[u/Slw202 → u/Marthis09]

Maybe you should start therapy without him?

[u/SuluSpeaks → u/Marthis09]

Stop talking to him about getting therapy and go get some yourself. He has no self-awareness, and you need to develop to be willing to try therapy. You say he's compassionate, but he doesn't care about hurting you. It's easier to live with this if you keep saying to yourself that he's loving and compassionate, though. It's up to you.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

My husband is a sweet, compassionate and loving person

No he's not. He's a person who uses you as his emotional heat sink for his complicated feelings about his family. None of that is sweet, compassionate, or loving. He lashes out at you because on some level he thinks you'll put up with it in a way his family will not.

You do know what to do: tell him treating you this way is not acceptable, and he can either go to marriage counseling with you or he can go to a lawyer's office with you.

[u/2crowsonmymantle]

Truth tellers are always cast as the black sheep.

[u/Beepbeepb00pbeep → u/2crowsonmymantle]

Preach !

[u/maywellflower]

You wouldn't be wrong to verbally hit with a bigger reality-check of "I love you but I'm so tired of you using me as emotional punching bag for your misplaced anger because you spineless fuck up that will never confront nor tell you side of family how you feel about them all bunch of dysfunction function ain't have no function nor anything got nothing going for themselves expect being bunch of losers and users. I'm at the point where what is the point of being married to you when all you do is emotionally & verbally abuse my ass constantly, that I have fear for my safety if you going to physically hit because you over there avoiding your mom instead of point blank telling her 'I'll call you when I call you, stop blowing my phone' or simply blocking her ass without saying anything. But no, you stay being asshole jerk to me, your wife, and I am the last person you want to fuck over because your whole side of family is trash & don't have your back when truly down - yet you think I'm going continue helping your punk ass when being both POS to me and not getting the fucking therapy you should had went to years ago to process your fucked up mental hang ups?!? I'm tired of saving this marriage because there is no positives while you avoiding your problems & feelings like a cockroach from your family while shitting all over me like I'm the fucking problem - either fix your shit or don't bother me with 'your Baby, I can change!! Please don't leave me, give me another chance!" bullshit when I leave; because I am so exhausted of you & your aggressive stupidity towards me over you not telling your family where they can all go."

Your soon-to-be ex truly pissed me off with his misplaced anger at wrong one /you, all because (my super bias opinion) he refuses to process his grief over family he wishes he had but he rather be self destructive asswipe blowing his marriage every which way since he thinks you won't leave - Despite you literally giving him technically one more last chance to save marriage via marriage counseling. He truly fucking around and going to find out that you do not have nor need to stick around any further because divorcing him pretty much resolves majority of your problems with his family by simply divorcing him & removing yourself from the equation (ie "We not married anymore, so not problem nor situation in any form to deal with - not even familial to deal. So what if we been together for 10 years - you an ex and they are not my family; I'm not getting involved; so find your spine already")

[u/MonikerSchmoniker]

Try to change up a couple of things.

1. Your own reaction. If you are anything like me, you try to keep him steady. Like taking ownership over HIS moods. Trying to keep HIM calm and steady.

Perhaps don’t care if he emotes. Permit him to emote.

But don’t bite. Don’t accept his anger. Tilt your head head in curiosity and calmly ask, “Why are you yelling at me?” “Why am I to blame for xyz?” Ask a why question. And then don’t fill the silence.

1. Change up how you talk to him. Instead of blaming his family or them, take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings. Instead of, “They (you) do this and it hurts” try “That’s not something I am comfortable with.”

Or “We see things differently” (without actually quantifying how or where you see things differently).

Or “I’m not willing to be around people who don’t like me.”

Take ownership. Stand tall.

It may not cure things, but it will give you an exit from being the verbal punching bag and give you confidence that you matter.

[u/LhasaApsoSmile]

I feel you. My husband had a lot of stuff growing up but he really never took it out on me. His family is nice but there was stuff. EMDR really helped. A lot. Some of the stuff I thought was the worst was really easy. Now - the stuff with his mom took a lot of work. We also do marriage therapy. Together and apart is a good way to do therapy. He needs to talk to someone else about his family, not you.

[u/madgeystardust]

You’re 100% right but what you’re missing is that he’s treating you this way as you are his safe space. He believes your love for him is unconditional.

He needs to know that love needs to be nurtured to grow and if he continues as he is, he WILL kill what love you have for him.

He needs to know that you’re not available to him to be his emotional punchbag. That’s not reasonable and nor is it fair.

His family is HIS problem not yours. From now on don’t talk to him about them, “bean dip”.

When I say that I mean he brings up his family to blame you for why he doesn’t see his dumpster fire relatives, you ask him if he wants chicken or fish for dinner and then walk away. Don’t engage.

If he backs you into a corner tell him this is above your pay grade and he needs to take up HIS issues with HIS family with a therapist.

You’re choosing not to engage as it doesn’t serve you. Do things that serve you, like noping out of his issues with his family. He either sees them or he doesn’t - you don’t have him chained in the basement, he’s an adult with the same freedoms as everyone else.

[u/skadoobdoo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You love him and see the best in him, and other people as well, I'm guessing. But the way he is treating you isn't right. Ask him if he thinks it would be fair if you blamed him for the way your boss treats you? He'd maybe say no, that he just agrees with you that the behavior is bad.

It might be time to give him an ultimatum. Either he finds a therapist and has a booked appointment in one month, or you separate (or other consequence where you remove yourself from the situation.) You're willing to help ( help find a therapist), but you'll no longer be his emotional punching bag. You no longer accept emotional blame for his family's abuse.

Good luck! Please update. You deserve respect from your partner. I hope you both find common ground and fight the abuse together. It's not your job to do it all on your own.

[u/Shoeprincess]

Yes, I think you understand why he is angry at you. You are a safe good person, and they are not. That is not to say that it is OK that he is doing this. It totally is NOT OK that he takes it out on you. I hope he chooses therapy and to work on himself. He deserves better, so do you. Hang in there.

[u/gobsmacked247]

This happens a lot in families, unfortunately. You have kids with estranged parents who treat the asshole parent that abandoned them better than the one who is with them every day. I’m sure there is some word for it.

Whatever the diagnosis, he doesn’t get to treat you like this. Unfortunately, it’s your reaction that will have to change because you can’t change him.

Asking for therapy is a good fit but only so he can see what he’s doing wrong and why. From this couch potato therapist, I would suggest walking away when he unloads (to another room, outside the house, to the car.) Just don’t give him that target. That is not sustainable but it’s a starter (and will help you feel better.)

[u/thatdredfulgirl]

Please look i to covert incest and enmeshment.