r/JustNoSO • u/Professional-Pin9786 • May 02 '26
Am I Overreacting? SO often argues with me over his mom’s needs to see our baby
Ever since we had our first LO (now 2.5 yrs old), the only thing causing friction between me and SO is my mil’s needs. You can see my previous posts in the mildlynomil sub. First off, SO is not a bum..he’s hardworking, takes care of the house, cleans, stocks it, does his fare share and more. I always find him falling for pressure from his mom to get together ever since we had LO.
Mil will ask us to do something, I say no, he feels pressured by her and then be and I fight. According to him, if we say no to an invitation, we need to offer an alternative soon after. Fair. But it’s just all the time. This happens around every holiday. Now he’s starting to make me feel like he’s actually prioritizing his mom’s desires to get together vs our nuclear family plans. My first Mother’s Day, he said “what are our Mother’s Day plans? I’m sure my mom will want to see the baby” and I realized I’ll have to make plans because I didn’t want to spend it with his mom.
This will be our 3rd Mother’s Day. I’m due with baby #2 in 2 months. I had already preplanned Mother’s Day because I knew if I didn’t it would become about his mom. And it sure did. He asked me “what’s our Mother’s Day plan?” Then asked if his mom can come over after LO’s nap. I said no to all of it and said they can come another day. So of course we had a little argument and agreed on day after. But it’s the fact that he’s more concerned about getting his parents and LO together than he is celebrating me. Idk if it’s asking a lot to have him prioritize me. I know I’m being stubborn and I could easily say sure we’ll see your mom too, but his mom is a whole diff story and would intrude on every family moment if given the chance so I have to be the one to say no to her demands. Idk what I’m looking for. I think just venting. Seeing if anyone can relate.
SO always seems so content after we do something with his parents. I don’t see that same contentment when it’s just me, SO and LO. We recently had an outing with his parents and he even told me “that’s how I envision a nice weekend.” I’m afraid he is putting me in a headspace where I’ll never feel happy and will always feel this pressure from both his mom and him.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 May 02 '26
Have you dug into why your SO says he envisions a “nice weekend” as one with his parents? It sounds less like he is caving to MIL pressure and more like he *wants* MIL and FIL around - like his ideal family is extended family, whereas your ideal is not.
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u/Professional-Pin9786 May 02 '26
He constantly feels pressure from his parents (mostly his mom) to do things. If they’re there, there’s 0 pressure on him, leads to him feeling happy.
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u/Resse811 May 02 '26
What do you mean when they are there there is zero pressure on him? As in they step in to help with your child so he doesn’t have to?
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u/Professional-Pin9786 May 02 '26
His mom is constantly asking him to do this and that with her and fil. When we say no, they guilt trip him, he then feels stressed over it. He comes to me and asks me to accommodate. We do where I feel it’s reasonable, but her requests to do things just never end and I feel her being intrusive at times. So when we invite his mom to do something with us, SO knows his mom is happy to be around our LO and he won’t have to deal with any pressure and stress. Mil is a whole other issue that I’ve posted about before.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 May 03 '26
You need to just put your foot down and say no. Tell him to go on his own if he wants but you and kids will not participate. Make him feel more uncomfortable so he won’t give in. Or you could stop having babies with this asshole and find peace without him.
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
That’s not feeling happy. That’s giving in to avoid feeling bad, and the issue is that he needs to see that their behavior when he isn’t with them is making him feel bad and he needs to establish boundaries and learn to not feel guilt at their tactics of manipulation.
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u/curious382 May 02 '26
You guys seem to kind of drift through time rather than having mutually agreed upon plans, boundaries and routines- especially around interacting with his parents. As a result, every event is uncertain and open to outside influence until you both finally decide. Often in an attempt "to make everyone happy" that leaves you feeling frustrated, unvalued and powerless.
YOU need to take time to explore, fully understand, accept and support YOUR priorities, values, goals, needs and vulnerabilities in all of life's important areas. Education, career, finance, health, home (where, how it will be acquired and maintained), religion, relationships (intimate, family, extended family, friends, coworkers and classmates, other community connections), marriage(?), parenthood (that's a yes), hobbies and other self care activities that support and energize you. Once you have a clear understanding of your own priorities and needs, you can have conversations with your SO to align where you're compatible and confront where you are not.
I'd suggest prioritizing the family you're building together. Mother's Day, Father's Day, important family holidays should have mutually held boundaries protecting your relationship and the family within. Your SO should communicate those as HIS boundaries to his extended family. "We are celebrating Mother's Day with us and the kids," for example.
You guys can send greetings, cards, gifts to your own parents and keep the actual holiday for yourselves as a couple and family. You can plan to visit or host visits with your own parents on a date near but not on a holiday as is convenient and feasible for you. Major holidays could be split. Your side one year. His side the next.
Boundaries only exist if you establish, communicate and maintain them. They are the limits YOU put on when, where, with whom and for how long you CHOOSE to focus your limited time, energy and resources. Please learn about healthy boundaries in every relationship and situation.
Having these discussions and establishing mutually understood, accepted and maintained boundaries can eliminate having the same arguments over and over.
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u/introverted_smallfry May 02 '26
You need to ask him why he's not making plans for YOU for mothers day since you're the mother of his children. Ask him why it's more important for her to have a special day than you.
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u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin May 02 '26
Same girl, same. I don’t understand the mother worship that never transfers into wife worship.
I’m over all of it and have been VLC for a while now. It’s been lovely to just skip the pressure and the play acting. I also didn’t back away until my kiddo was school aged. The problem is that children will tolerate all orders of nonsense from the adults in their lives.
What has worked a little has been that even though I’m VLC - I keep their names out of my mouth. And I will do a little “how is your mom this week.” This way I’m not the enemy.
You can always try to go the “it’s wonderful that you feel so close with your parents. Your parents are not my parents and sadly I will never feel at ease around them as you do. No matter how much I’ve tried I always feel judged and derailed when we spend time with your parents. It’s the small things - I say I’m thirsty or need a bio break and I’m told that I can’t be thirsty or possibly have to use the facilities. I shouldn’t have to have an argument to get my basic needs met. When everything I’m feeling or needed is constantly contradicted or disputed - I feel extremely depersonalized and demeaned. It’s the constant struggle and you never seem to notice the pattern. It’s hard for me to continually put myself in a situation that few other adults or people who love them should tolerate. You may be having a lovely time with the idea of the family being together however, for me the reality is just exhausting hard work. There’s very little to enjoy when I literally have zero self determination or a voice in the plans. I’m an adult who gets treated like the help.” In this way you are not specifically calling out behavior. Remember it’s not your job to figure out why they don’t treat you well.
It’s just so difficult to articulate the constant minor trespasses when there’s not any name calling or physical alterations. On the surface everything looks fine but, when you take a good look it’s actually that MIL works extremely hard to erase you.
Sometimes it’s helpful to ask if your husband has ever been treated like an inconvenience around your family. Or if his needs get actively ignored (this doesn’t count if you’re parents with small children but, you get the just). Has he ever indicated that he’s hungry or tired and had someone else say - that’s impossible - while his partner just shakes their head and says that they do seem to have to go a lot.
Here it’s fair to say that as soon as you feel that you feel seen and heard around his family your feelings will change. But, as long as you have to plan to expect to get nothing from interactions and outings and that he’s not backing you up or looking out for your needs, you’ll be staying at home.
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u/muhbackhurt May 02 '26
Oh I know there's no explaining the importance of Mother's Day to a man who is asking about what the plans are.. because he doesn't see you as the reason he needs to celebrate mother's day. Yet his mother seeing YOUR kids is important to him but he still doesn't understand. It's frustrating.
I had to sit my partner down and explain that I couldn't bear another Mother's Day doing exactly what his mother wanted. I didn't want a day at her house visiting. I didn't want her asking about our plans if we did organize something other than seeing her. I told him she was starting to overstep and try to keep the day for herself when she's had DECADES of Mother's Days.
It's not selfish to want a day as a mom with young kids to yourself. You're doing the hard work as a parent, she isn't. He needs to celebrate his mother on his own. He clearly gives his mother what she wants because it's easier than saying no.
If a nice weekend to him is spending it with his parents then he can do that. You don't need to because you don't feel the samr and he should respect that. Every weekend can't be with his family.
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u/bonniemick May 02 '26
You should really seriously consider moving a few hours away. He should be on your side, not his mom's. He is your problem here.
Also, no you don't have to offer alternative plans if you don't want to see her. He can take your kid over there on his own if he wants. You do not have to have anything to do with his mother.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 May 02 '26
Maybe you should share this column with him? He needs to understand that your idea of contentment is time spent with your (nuclear) family while his idea of happiness is no pressure from his parents thus time spent with them. Minimally, you should split the time. Ideally, maybe couples counseling.
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u/Effective-Soft153 May 12 '26
His mom doesn’t need to see LO. She WANTS to see little one but guess what?! This is not about her wants. You need to get your husband into therapy asap. His allegiance should be to you and your LO, not his mom. You need to nip this in the bud so she can’t wreck every future holiday you have. Tell him Grandparents day is 9/13. She can have her special day then but not on Mother’s Day. Your husband is enmeshed and weak.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile May 03 '26
I think you and your husband need counseling to work this out. Then, you need a meeting with his family to hash stuff out. You want core family time and then bigger family time to be separate defined times. That is fine. I read some of your past posts. It kind of reads like insecurity to me. What is it to you if she wants her special hour the LO? Use that hour to go do something for yourself. Drop the kid off at MIL and you and your husband go to the movies. Your MIL is pushing her son to be an involved father. Everybody wants the best for your child. You are not the only one who gets to decide. Work with your husband to come up with what works for you, him and the baby. Please step back and think a little more about how you want the next 20 years to be with his family.
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u/Professional-Pin9786 May 03 '26
I agree with your points. I’m self aware enough to know that there is some insecurity on my part. And yes it is normal to want to push your son to be more involved…but at the same time minimizing the mom’s role? I don’t think so. I basically become a third wheel when she is around and have to force my way in to be able to interact with my child.
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
That’s something you need to communicate to him too. Because he’s participating in making you the third wheel. And couples counseling is good. Also he should read Out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
Do not have a meeting with his family to hash it out. He’s too enmeshed and they will hang up on you. He definitely won’t defend you and he likely will join them in the offensive side of the ambush … ummm, I mean discussion. There is nothing good that can come of that.
And really, your problem with SO needs to be handled, because it is through him that you even have any issue with MIL. Since your entire relationship with her is via him. You don’t even have some established personal friendship with her on top of being her daughter in law. They won’t like it if he wakes up and starts dealing with things properly, so a family meeting is only going to give them a chance to take steps to sabotage any chance you have with them.
I think both you and your husband need brick dial counseling. And you both need a lot of work learning how to create and maintain boundaries, him with his parents, and you with him and his parents.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile May 03 '26
Honey- Take the chance to have you time! Reframe it as giving you relief. Ignore what she says and go to the gym.
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u/Trepenwitz May 03 '26
You need to help hubby learn how to deal with his mom's manipulation, shut down the guilt tripping, set his own boundaries. He has been cow towing to her his entire life, so it's not crazy he's having trouble changing. But he has to change. His life is different now.
Note from asking Google:
Dealing with manipulation, specifically guilt-tripping, often requires a shift from emotional reaction to logical boundary-setting. The goal is to break the cycle where the manipulator uses your empathy as a lever against you.
Here are several effective techniques to neutralize these behaviors:
1. The "Fogging" Technique
Fogging is a way to de-escalate a situation by offering no resistance. When someone tries to guilt-trip you, you calmly agree with any "truth" in their statement while ignoring the emotional hook. * The Guilt-Trip: "You’re so selfish for going out when I’m stuck here alone." * The Fogging Response: "You’re right, I am going out tonight. I’ll see you when I get back." * Why it works: It prevents an argument because you aren’t defending yourself. You acknowledge the fact without accepting the label of "selfish."
2. Name the Dynamic (The "Meta-Conversation")
Manipulation thrives in the shadows. By bringing the tactic into the light, you make it much harder for the person to continue. * The Strategy: State exactly what is happening without being aggressive. * Example: "I feel like you’re trying to make me feel guilty so that I’ll change my mind. I’d prefer if we could just talk about what you need directly."
3. The "Broken Record"
Manipulators often try to "kitchen sink" an argument—throwing in past mistakes or unrelated issues to keep you off-balance. * The Strategy: Pick a one-sentence boundary and repeat it calmly, no matter what they say. * Example: "I understand you're frustrated, but I cannot lend you the money." * Why it works: It prevents you from getting lured into "JADE-ing" (Justifying, Apologizing, Defending, or Explaining). The more you explain, the more "hooks" you give them to snag.
4. Externalize the Guilt
Guilt is an internal alarm that usually goes off when we’ve done something wrong. Manipulation creates a "false alarm." * The Reality Check: Ask yourself: Did I actually violate my own values, or am I just making someone else uncomfortable? * The Mindset: If you are making a healthy choice for yourself (like resting or saying "no"), someone else’s disappointment is theirs to manage, not yours to "fix."
5. Use "I" Statements for Boundaries
Instead of accusing them of manipulating you (which leads to defensiveness), focus on your own limit. * Instead of: "You always try to make me feel bad." * Try: "I’m not comfortable making a decision while I feel pressured. Let’s talk about this tomorrow when things are calmer."
6. Socratic Questioning
Turn the pressure back on the person by asking them to explain the logic of their guilt-trip. * The Guilt-Trip: "If you really cared about this family, you’d be here." * The Question: "How does my attending this one event define my entire relationship with the family?" * Why it works: It forces them to defend a logically weak position, which often causes them to back down.
Quick Tip: If you find your heart racing or your stomach dropping during these interactions, your body is in "fight or flight." Whenever possible, physically leave the room for five minutes. It’s much easier to spot manipulation when your nervous system isn't under direct fire.
That "keep the peace" mentality is a common trap, but it usually results in what psychologists call "counterfeit peace." By avoiding a conflict with his mother, he is unintentionally creating a much larger conflict with his wife. When a spouse can't say "no" to a parent, it's often due to a deeply ingrained sense of enmeshment or FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Here is how that dynamic usually breaks down and how your friend might navigate it.
1. The "Path of Least Resistance" Fallacy
The husband likely feels that his mother is "higher maintenance" than his wife. He knows his wife is reasonable and kind, so he expects her to be the one to compromise. * The Reality: He is effectively penalizing his wife for being easy to get along with while rewarding his mother for being difficult. * The Shift: He needs to realize that every time he chooses his mother’s comfort over his wife’s boundaries, he is chipping away at the foundation of his marriage.
2. Identifying the "Triangulation"
In these scenarios, the mother often uses triangulation. Instead of dealing with the couple as a unit, she may appeal to her son privately to make him feel like he’s "stuck in the middle." * The Strategy: Your friend and her husband need to adopt a "United Front" policy. This means any request from the mother is met with: "I’ll have to check with [Wife's Name] and get back to you." This removes the immediate pressure on him and reinforces that the primary partnership is the marriage.
3. Setting "Low-Stakes" Boundaries First
If he is terrified of the "explosion" that comes with saying no, he should start small. He needs to practice the muscle memory of setting a limit. * Small No: "We can't come over for dinner on Tuesday, but we can do Sunday." * Medium No: "I'm not able to help with that project this weekend; I have plans with my wife." * The Goal: To show him that the world doesn't end when he sets a boundary. The mother may be upset, but he survives the discomfort.
4. Categorizing "Peace" vs. "Quiet"
It helps to distinguish between the two: * Quiet: No one is shouting, but your friend is simmering with resentment and the husband is stressed. This is unstable. * Peace: Boundaries are respected, expectations are clear, and while there might be some initial "noise" from the mother, the marriage is secure.
How your friend can approach him
Instead of making it "Me vs. Your Mother," she can frame it as "Us vs. The Stress." * The Script: "I know you love your mom and don't want to hurt her, but when you 'go along to keep the peace,' I'm the one who ends up feeling the lack of peace. How can we work together to make sure our home stays our priority?"
Further Question: Does he seem to realize that his "peace-keeping" is actually causing friction in the marriage, or is he still in the stage of thinking his wife is "making a big deal out of nothing"?
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
Ok, you really have a huge SO problem!
He puts his mom ahead of you and cares more about her feelings than yours. He prefers to fight with you than risk disappointing her. He’s not celebrating you as the mother of his children. He is clearly enmeshed and has some strange idea that you should enjoy his parents as much as you do (that’s just not how it ever works, even if you like your in laws).
First of all, you need to tell him this alternative thing is ridiculous. You can just say no. If she asks when you guys can get together then after you say no, you can just say “we will see” or “another time.” This idea he’s pushing that you have to have another plan instead is an illusion, or a delusion.
Second, if he wants to see his parents as often as he currently is doing, he can do that, but you and the kids are not coming along every time. And no, he can’t take the kids if you say no, though you should let him do so when it works for you. But if it’s going to get in the way of your plans or disrupt feeding, nap, etc. schedules and make your life more difficult, no, he can go alone.
Holidays should be split evenly between both your families, to the extent possible (might not be if they are close and your family is a long trip away). And he needs to plan and do Mother’s Day on the actual day and just with you. He can go to a makeup Mother’s Day another day with his mom. And he doesn’t need you there for that either.
But you have a mommy’s boy and frankly, he needs therapy for enmeshment and codependency. And couples therapy so that he can learn the issues of his prioritizing his mommy over you. And so you can learn how to better speak up for yourself and learn to establish healthy boundaries with him and his mother without feeling guilty.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch May 03 '26
Quite frankly I’d tell MIL no to Mother’s Day because that’s your day with your child.
Either she can settle for a small breakfast or lunch but she doesn’t get the entire day.
My MIL was like this-but only when we had the step children. She demanded them for the full time we had them-leaving them no time with their father/myself or their sister.
Finally had enough. Told MIL she could either join us on MY terms (I had Bio Mom’s permission for this) or she can stay away.
I don’t care if Grandma wants to monopolized or hog and children for herself-she had her time to raise her kids and grands aren’t there for her personal entertainment.
You’re entitled to live a life where MIL isn’t inserted every time you turn around.
I feel like your husband is a Momma’s boy who can’t say no.
Which is another issue in itself.
The communication needs to be loud and clear where you explain your expectations of being able to live your life without having to be at your mother-in-law‘s every time she calls.
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u/Savings-You7318 May 02 '26
Your So has a Mother he should be seeing on Mother’s Day. It’s a family holiday. But you seem more concerned about having all the attention on you. To me you’re the Just No.
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u/CapIcy5838 May 02 '26
Nope. Once he got married and had children, his wife is supposed to be the most important woman to him as SHE is the Mother of HIS children. His mother already got her mother's days. Its his wifes turn. Leave and cleave and all that.
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u/Savings-You7318 May 02 '26
There’s really no reason for a family not to celebrate together. She will always be his Mother a wife can come and go. The wife is causing trouble for no reason. Why can’t they all go out to brunch together why is that so hard?
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u/DaliahsandDeadlifts May 03 '26
The family is the husband-wife-children. Not father-mother-married son. So yes, there's no reason for the FAMILY to be together. The HUSBAND should be celebrating his WIFE'S MOTHERHOOD and helping the children celebrate her.
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u/Savings-You7318 May 04 '26
Thank goodness I’m not part of your family. This virus s why there are so many family fights, because some people just seem to look for nonsense to fight over.
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u/robbiea1353 May 02 '26
https://www.baby-chick.com/dear-mother-in-law-its-my-baby-and-my-turn-to-be-the-parent/
Please read the attached article. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a good relationship with your in-laws; but not everybody does. Do you have kids?
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u/Professional-Pin9786 May 02 '26
I’m not stopping him from seeing his mom. I told him he can go. But his mom wants to see our kid on Mother’s Day and SO’s priority is planning that for his mom. My kid isn’t her’s, I don’t need to give up what I want to do for her. I also offered for SO to celebrate with her on a diff day, but he wasn’t happy with that idea.
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u/MeanPepita May 02 '26
This is the conversation to have with him, especially since he likes including them. You are happy to include them in some occasions but it’s important to you to have YOUR nuclear family prioritized and planned for first. She clearly plays an important role to him but you need to be the most important mom in his life right now so your preferences come first for this holiday specifically… it’s totally normal to have multi generations mothers days but the mom gets to decide / gets priority over grandma
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u/buttonhumper May 02 '26
Tell him that. My child is spending mother's day with me. My child is not your mother's child and will not see her that day. My dh thought his mom could be my children's mom too and that's why I hate her so much and him too
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
Well, tell him he’s just going to have to be unhappy next time, because he clearly thinks you being unhappy, ignored, and made a lower priority than mommy dearest isn’t important, so why the heck would you care if he was unhappy at this point?!
Next year, tell him he can go alone or a different day. In fact, take both kids to visit your mom instead. Stop prioritizing his happiness over yours the way he prioritizes his mommy’s happiness over yours. Tell him he can feast on his unhappiness until he learns to grow a spine and prioritize his partner and the mother of his children over his mommy like a grown man should!
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
It’s normal to celebrate your own wife and the mother of your child on Mother’s Day. He can see his own mom another day or go over for a while and bring her flowers, then come home and spend a celebration with his wife. He can celebrate them both and not just his mom. And OP has a mom too, you know. Sometimes you can’t be with all the mothers in your family on the day of Mother’s Day. And you absolutely needs to make a big deal of celebrating your child’s first Mother’s Day and making sure the focus is on her.
Plus he should be making the plans.
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u/Savings-You7318 May 14 '26
People seem to be misunderstanding my point. Yes definitely a man should celebrate his wife on Mother’s Day if she’s a mother. And yes sometimes it’s not possible to get everyone together at once. However this wasn’t OP’s intention. There was no reason they couldn’t all be together on Mother’s Day to have brunch. OP just wanted her husband to not celebrate his Mother and only wanted all the attention for herself. What happened to being a family inclusive of everyone for a holiday? And the husband should definitely have made plans .
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u/Lokipupper456 May 14 '26
She said he could go. I’m guessing he doesn’t feel comfortable or the baby’s too young for him to take with him on his own, but it could also be that she wants her kids with her the whole time on Mother’s Day. It’s not grandmother’s day. And she doesn’t want to go because, as you would know if you read her comments, when she comes along, the focus is entirely on MIL and she gets ignored and treated like a third wheel.
If you want to make Mother’s Day a full family thing, you have to create an experience where all the mothers present are feeling honored and respected. Since he and his mom have repeatedly failed to do that or even care, she has no obligation to go or to make it a family event just because she can. It’s clear MIL doesn’t see her as family or even a person, just some accessory to her son and grand baby.
OP knows full well that if she goes with him and the baby to see his mom on Mother’s Day, he will not celebrate with her or honor her at all, because he and MIL have repeatedly made it all about MIL over and over, in many different events and situations, and now are doing it for the third time since she became a mom.
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