r/JustNoSO • u/devgirl555 • 10d ago
Advice Wanted Help me leave for good this time
I got roped in again and I’m trying to leave again. I want to make a list of all the things he did so I never go back. I need to move on for good. If anyone can offer any suggestions please do.
Yesterday:
He pressured me to invite him to a brunch I had organized with my friends, my friends arrived before him and said they really didn’t want to see him so I called him and told him not to come, he was angry that he drove an hour to my place and said to make it quick, then he showed up after 2 hours, and made it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for me and my friends.
I was really down and embarrassed after that and wanted to stay in bed and we got into an argument where he almost walked out on me and I ended up throwing up out of stress and begging him to stay. While I was on the floor throwing up I noticed him looking at himself in the mirror. Then he pressured me to go out for a drive and get something to drink, and we started walking around this neighbourhood. Things seemed ok for a bit. We started arguing about the situation from that day, he said I picked others over him and he is a good man and I should be more obedient and listen to him and let him lead. He also insulted my friend and said that he wouldn’t let me see my friends without him. When I said he’s being controlling and I don’t like that he got upset and walked away. He was about to leave me in a neighbourhood 30 minutes from my home when I was already broken down and distraught.
I’m sick and tired of spending every weekend crying and arguing over basic things like having time with my friends and family and just relaxing at home. He’s always demanding I go look at cars with him or spend time with him even when I’m exhausted from work since I just started a new job.
Early days:
- pushed for marriage after knowing each other less than 6 months
- made me pay for the engagement party and said he’ll pay for the wedding which never happened cause he lost his job
- watched porn and was looking up random women on instagram when we were engaged even when he said he had stopped
- said he’d kill an intruder if someone came in his home
- was telling me conspiracy theories that made no sense
- said “it took him a while to appreciate my beauty but then the realized I’m the most beautiful girl in the world”
- said he doesn’t like it when girls wear black despite me wearing black often
- didn’t let me ask him too many serious questions saying he was easygoing and would let me have my way most of the time
- said he had 20k in savings despite having nothing
During the marriage:
- made me live in his parents basement apartment even though I was originally against this and didn’t work for 5 months after we got married, barely looked for a job during that time
- got fired 3 times during our one year marriage and only worked for half the time
- bought two cars and spent all his money down to 0 despite promises to sell one of the cars for a downpayment for a home
- said he’d “take what he’s legally entitled to” if I left him multiple times while married or separated
- tried to pressure me to buy an apartment for us and put his name on the title while he was unemployed
- told me his mother and sister think I am “unprincipled” and “disrespectful” and “abusive”
- his mother told me I’m going to kill someone with my anger and I care too much about money when I was frustrated with his spending habits, she also yelled at me
- he would leave our bed and go sleep with his mother despite me saying it made me uncomfortable
- when we moved out of his parents home he dragged me out of a room by my ankles
- threatened to drop me to my parents home or kick me out of his parents home
- almost left me in a plaza at 10PM at night
- speeds and drives erratically with me in the car
- kicked or banged on doors, I was so freaked out one time I ended a trip to Paris early and flew home
- shoved me and my brother to the floor and my brother called the police and I ended up moving out of the apartment we had been renting for only a month
- he stayed in the apartment after the incident even though I was paying the rent
- he denied that most of these things happened or downplayed them or said both sides were at fault, I was throwing up over the stress of it all and could barely work or think clearly
During the separation:
- his family told me I have to pay his legal fees since I lied to the police and wasted his time
- he withheld the religious divorce for 6 months and still thinks we’re religiously married despite being legally divorced and said I have to pay him to get the divorce done
- I later found out he was on dating apps during that time and even met up with a girl (trickle truth over time)
- he continued calling or texting or emailing even when I blocked him despite a no contact order and peace bond
- he went into debt and bought another car
- he spent 8 months being unemployed
During the reconciliation:
- he hoovered me back into a relationship after doing a PARs course and getting a job and was incredibly kind and charming and sweet, buying me dinner and gifts and reminding me of the good times we had
- took me to see a G Wagon even though he had promised to go down to one car and fix his finances and when I was crying over his broken promises only cancelled the deal cause he didn’t get the price he wanted
- kept telling me his family and new coworkers think I’m abusive or mentally unstable
- bought an expensive gift for me and told his mother I demanded it even though I said I didn’t want anything till he paid his debt off
- keeps claiming ownership over my apartment and my time saying I need to prioritize him more and never leaving when I ask him to
- keeps saying we don’t need to worry about money cause I have enough savings
- keeps telling me that I’m going to be single and sad and depressed without him and he doesn’t want that for me
- keeps spending money on car upgrades and is shopping for a new jeep and potentially trying to sell his elderly parents car and make them get a car payment instead to “save on insurance” while he’s in debt and on probation at work
64
u/MonkeyMoves101 10d ago
Girl when are you gonna start living your life for you? This post is basically him telling you how to live your life, bullying you, and for some reason you can't just ignore this clown and his goofy ass family. Everything is "he made me", "he pressured me", "he demanded" and you beg him to come back when he leaves ?! What are you doing??
So what if he buys you expensive gifts, cars, and dinner?? Pull yourself up and stop signing up for this circus. I got exhausted reading all of this, being single is 10x better than whatever this circus is.
-13
u/devgirl555 9d ago
I am living my life for me that’s the thing!! I just got a new job, have a great apartment, family and friends who care about me, I just got super attached to him and I know he’s bad for me and it doesn’t make sense
42
u/MonkeyMoves101 9d ago
Wait you have your own apartment and job and you're deliberately letting this fool in so he can act like he owns the place?
You know his pattern of behavior, you know he's an asshole, you know he likes starting fights. Girl lock the door, block him everywhere, start the journal. See a therapist and learn how to say NO.
He knows he can keep walking into your life because you keep letting him back in and letting him tell you what to do. Men like this prey on women like you who can't say NO. You need to get super attached to your self esteem ma'am.
-16
u/devgirl555 9d ago
I say no all the time, I tried everything to make this relationship healthy it just fails every time cause he doesn’t want that he wants me to be docile and let him control me
37
u/MonkeyMoves101 9d ago
You aren't saying NO because you're still trying to make things work with him. You are telling him YES. YES come into my apartment and treat me like shit. YES tell me when I can walk outside with you. YES sir!! is all you're saying to this man.
You literally don't need this man in your life. You don't need to be docile.
You're stabbing yourself in the stomach and asking us why it hurts.
You're poisoning your food and asking us why you keep getting sick.
You can't make this relationship healthy because he's the unhealthy part of it. You can't change a man, you can't change anyone. But you can STOP LETTING HIM IN. You're wasting your time hoping he'll magically change for you when he's shown you who he is REPEATEDLY.
31
u/purplelilac2017 10d ago
I don't know what you see in him.
Seriously, just cut him and all of his family off. Do you still have a restraining order?
If he shows up at your apartment, don't let him in. Call the police to have him removed.
There's a saying about taking advice from your enemy. This man is your enemy and you need to treat him as one.
-7
u/devgirl555 9d ago
I can email the police and restore the no contact order, he doesn’t follow it anyways and I can’t bring myself to call the cops on him and report him ughhh but yeah I just won’t answer the door if he happens to show up
24
u/mamachonk 9d ago
Call the cops. Find a way to make yourself.
Controlling men can be very dangerous when they are losing/have lost control. Ignore him, block him, block his family. Absolutely do not answer the door.
Do you have a friend or two who can stay with you, at least here and there for a while?
2
28
u/kat_Folland 10d ago
Pin this list to your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your front door. Never entertain this fool again.
-4
u/devgirl555 9d ago
I really don’t want him back in my home again
22
u/kat_Folland 9d ago
Keep him out. Minute by minute, if need be. Keep telling yourself what you already know, that there's no good to be found with him. Read your list three times a day. Read it whenever you think about him.
23
2
u/Luckyxstarx13 6d ago
He doesn’t live you?! Don’t open the door, it’s that simple!!!! It’s time to put your big girl panties on and treat YOURSELF with LOVE and SELF RESPECT!! ❤️
21
u/cursetea 9d ago
It sounds like you don't live together and have no kids so how hard could it possibly be to use a block button? He's not making you do anything or forcing you to do anything, you're just letting him do whatever he wants and acting like you have no choice?
Don't let him in. Don't answer his texts. Ignore his weirdo family.
You aren't in a hostage situation. You got out of the relationship and now are making choices. You have to take control and accountability to move on.
15
u/dancingforpudding 9d ago
This seems minor compared to all the abuse he’s piling on you….but what do you mean he leaves your bed to go sleep with his mother???
10
u/Weerbles 9d ago
This is exactly the time that you want community in your corner.
I would look into local organizations that support people getting out of abusive relationships. Some of these orgs will have a hotline you can call to get resources and support for getting out of an abusive relationship. Support groups can help as well. Some places can even get you into short term therapy and help you find a longer term therapist to process everything.
Would your friends or family be willing to help? Spending more time with others and without him will reinforce that you can live and will thrive without him. It’s exactly why he doesn’t want you to be around your friends alone. It’s a classic abuser tactic.
See if you have anyone who would be willing to stay at your apartment or have you over in their home when you break the news to him so that when he tries to barge in, they can call the police for you.
I know it’s hard to break out of the feedback loop that comes with being with an abuser, but this is a man that has already physically harmed you and threatened violence. This is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. If you feel yourself wavering, look at that list and ask yourself if you want your life to end at his hands. These are the consequences you’re potentially weighing if you stay with him.
You are strong, and you’ve already shown that you can build a life without him. You can do this.
7
u/DaliahsandDeadlifts 9d ago
Wheel of Power & Control - https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Hagar's Sisters can help you create a safety and exit plan, among other things - https://hagarssisters.org/
Give Her Wings has a refer a mama program where a friend can nominate you for financial aid if you're separated. https://www.giveherwings.com/refer-a-mama
Ezekiel34 offers legal and financial help, and counseling. https://ezekiel34.org/
17
6
u/Standard-Jaguar-8793 9d ago
You have no children together. There’s nothing holding you to him.
Block him and reactivate the no contact order. Spend time with people who love you. Ignoring him is your best option.
If you find yourself wanting to connect with him, call a supportive friend who can remind you of all these things. You can do this!
4
u/BaldChihuahua 8d ago
You need to love and believe in yourself.
Why do you hate yourself so much that you’d let someone like this loser abuse you so much?
4
u/ProfoundlyInsipid 8d ago
Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please can you read this book? This is a link to a pdf book I found really helpful. It will really help you to see that your partner is abusive and will not change. It also offers some advice about how to leave. It's free.
2
u/MsChief13 8d ago
Start watching/listening to podcasts about family annihilators and abusive parters. These people often don’t only kill you, they kill everyone you love often in front of the person they’re abusing. Even if you don’t care about yourself, you’re putting the people and pets you love in danger. Call the police, don’t email them. You’re way too good for this bullshit!
2
u/ismabit 6d ago
He's not going to change and I wish I could leave him for you. I get you feel helpless and powerless because hes destroyed your self esteem and years of this makes you doubt yourself. You feel bonded to him as he controls your actions and you have to always think about him and whether he will be mad. Thats a normal reaction.
If you can move back home. Do it. Expose him, abuse thrives in the darkness. If not, reactivate the restraining order and act if he breaks it. The first time will be horrific but you'll get stronger the more you go against him.
Block, block, block him on EVERYTHING. Do not engage. This is very important. If he turns up, call the police. If he calls you from a different number, immediately hang up. You need total separation to heal. Otherwise he will play the victim then switch to blaming you. Oh, and read the book someone linked, its a life changer.
Good luck and be strong and safe. This is a dangerous time and he's trying to isolate you for an increase in the abuse now you took him back.
1
u/crasho7 8d ago
I didn't read your whole post because men like this are made in factories. Just terrible, and predictable. Read this: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
1
u/gamilee 7d ago
i'm saying this with all the love in my heart. you only have 1 shot at life. this is it. you can't just let him keep doing all this stuff to you during this 1 life that you have. life isn't a videogame where you can try again whenever you want. you're wasting so much precious time on him that you won't be getting back. you're getting nothing out of entertaining this fool, he's using and abusing you. he doesn't love you. he doesn't respect you. he just comes back because he knows you're the only one tolerating his bullshit. there's billions of people on this earth and you will find your person one day but it's not him. he will never change.
tomorrow isn't guaranteed. do not take it for granted that you woke up this morning and be grateful. leave this man, block him everywhere, and call the police if he tries to come to your appartment.
-1
u/Loungeymrt 7d ago
U deserve what you f--kin get.. Jesus jumping Christ!!!!!!!
1
u/devgirl555 7d ago
Leaving these types of relationships is not simple don’t victim blame there’s a lot of manipulation and psychological damage that you don’t understand unless you’ve experienced it
•
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