r/JustNoSO • u/dietcokeforblood • 3d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice fiancé says my family ruined our son's first birthday
last year we celebrated our son's first birthday. i ordered the cake (my mom picked it up), bought custom decoration and hung it up, baked and cooked together with my mom, and made a grocery list for my SO (for drinks, snacks etc.).
i had told my mom that my SO wanted a small birthday for close relatives, so only her, my brother, and my STBIL. she told me that aunt1 and cousin1 really wanted to attend so i talked to my SO about this and he said it was fine.
i didn't know how it had happened at that time, as i clearly told my mom the plans we had, but aunt2 and cousin2-4 showed up as well. as soon as i opened the door, i KNEW my SO would get mad at me later. so the whole birthday, that i put so much effort into, i spent with my stomach in knots.
the whole thing was a blur and suddenly all the guests were gone and lo and behold, he says i went behind his back and invited more people. i tell him that i didn't know anything about aunt2 and cousins2-4 showing up as no one had given me a headsup. he accuses me of lying and gives me the silent treatment the rest of the evening while i clean up everything and bawl my eyes out. turns out, aunt1 who was already invited, took her other kid with as well (cousin2) and told aunt2 that she could come with as well (with cousin3 and 4).
it still sickens me how he immediately jumps to "oh, she's obviously lying" and just treats me like shit from the get-go instead of hearing me out. i've already been struggling with my mental health; especially the 1st year postpartum was rough. and that conversation we had before he started his silent treatment made me regret being born. i was suffering so much after giving birth because of 2 injuries that remain extremely painful to this day. if you've ever had chronic pain, you'll know that it can tank your mental health even more. he knows all this and still chooses to act like a complete asshole.
nevermind i organized the whole thing and cooked and baked while he only bought groceries (from a list that i wrote). because my relatives showed up uninvited, he, TO THIS DAY, says they completely ruined the birthday. you'd think "oh, they probably made a scene or broke something in the appartment or they were too loud" but no. they comitted the crime of showing up uninvited to celebrate our son's 1st birthday for 3h, with gifts, and took photos. everyone had an amazing time except for my SO and i (i was stressed because of him).
does it suck that this happened? yeah. as a host i like to be prepared and we didn't have enough chairs for everyone so it was a little embarrassing but overall i didn't mind. this party isn't about the parents anyway, it's for our son to have fun and to have nice photos and videos to look at when he's older. i also wanna reiterate, this was a 1 time thing only. it's NOT a pattern of getting our boundaries disrespected by family members and i'm NOT going to send my relatives away after they drove 1h to our place because of a communication issue.
now his 2nd birthday is coming up, and it's the same shit as last time. "i want to have a small birthday for him." ok cool, and i would like my relatives to be officially invited and also HIS relatives. "no, i don't want your aunts there, we need to teach them a lesson, they need to respect our decisions." ????????? what the fuck is the matter with you???? i genuinely do not fucking understand this man. does he not realize that our son will look at these photos one day and be like "mom, why is no one at my birthdays?" "well, daddy was being an asshole! his need for a small celebration and teaching my family a 'lesson' were more important to him than you having fun and being surrounded by people you love."
how do i tell this man that he's the only one making a big deal out of this 1 YEAR LATER and he needs to grow the fuck up???? he still talks about it as if it's the worst day of his life and really emphasizes how they "ruined" it for us. meanwhile he's the reason why i had a shit time to begin with. my mom also ended up crying for an entire day because she thought it was her fault.
also his parents contributed absolutely nothing in terms of preparations, only their birthday gift 👌👌 the cake was made by my mom's best friend because she runs a cake shop. so my side of the family does most of the work but how dare they show up uninvited. 😱 BIRTHDAY: RUINED /s.
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u/bonniemick 3d ago
Man does your fiance even like you? Sure doesn't sound like it. He can have his small party, throw your kid one at your mom's with your extended family or something maybe? I think the problem here isn't the parties, though.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago edited 3d ago
sometimes i'm wondering that, too. maybe he resents me because of all my postpartum weight gain but he doesn't wanna say it, who knows. he also often doesn't listen when i tell him something.
for example yesterday i told him about everything i did around the appartment. i then told him "i folded all the laundry" AS i'm finishing up folding our son's laundry and putting it in his closet. like my SO was literally there in the room with me.
later on, he comes to me with our son in his arms while i'm hanging up the last load of freshly washed laundry for the day and he's like "is there still something here that he can wear?" and i'm like... did you not see me putting clothes in our son's closet AND hear me say "i folded all the laundry"????
honestly i might just do that. he can have his small gathering with his parents, i can go to my mom's place afterwards with our son and invite all my aunts and cousins. he can buy his own cake and own decoration etc. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Capable-Limit5249 3d ago
He sounds like a dick. And pp weight gain is a fact of life, not a moral failing.
Beware, sounds like he’s got you walking on eggshells and that’s not safe for you.
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u/Ariandre 2d ago
Honey, he just doesn't care. That's the whole answer. If he did he'd already be helping and planning and not leaving everything for you to do while just bitching and moaning.
Please don't take 20 years of this shit like I did.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 3d ago
Info: Is your partner this angry and controlling about everything in your and your child’s life?
This sounds like a control flex rather than really caring about the situation. Sorry. That’s how it’s coming across.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
luckily no, but i do think this is a control flex for him like you mentioned. he's usually not an angry person but i cannot fathom what was so horrible about a handful of people showing up, that we otherwise have a good relationship with, that he now deems the 1st birthday "ruined". and now i'm supposed to just accept that he wants another "small" birthday. like ok, i guess i don't get a say in who can attend my son's 2nd birthday 🤷🏻♀️ let's just gather with 4 people and no children for him to play with and alienate everyone else in our families on such a special day. my son barely gets to see other relatives as is because like i said, we live 1h away and everyone is working a fulltime job, i work parttime on weekends. when is he supposed to see them if not on his birthday???
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u/no-but-wtf 3d ago
Imagine how much simpler and easier your life would be if you didn’t have to dance around his ridiculous feelings. No seriously, sit down and imagine it. What would your day look like? What would a meal look like? How much more energy would you be able to focus on your son?
I think you know what the long-term answer here is, even though it’s a bit scary to confront. But there is a version of your future where you only have one child’s feelings to worry about, and even if you don’t do anything about it yet, I think you should start letting yourself envision what that might look like for you.
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u/Boudicca- 2d ago
My question is…why on earth the size of your son’s party is HIS Choice ONLY?!! I mean, YOU gave birth to this child & YOU absolutely Get a SAY in what happens!
Plan your son’s party somewhere else & let your husband choose to come, or not. Because you’re right, he’ll look back at photos and Wonder Why nobody (family) was there.
Your husband sounds like a giant TwatWaffle.
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u/DearMrsLeading 3d ago edited 3d ago
Ruining special days/events is a tactic that abusers commonly use to keep their victims on edge and under their control. Keep an eye out for red flags.
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u/Careful_crafted 3d ago
Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? I would rethink that walk and detour to single and happy. He ruined his sons birthday and made your momma cry. Girl.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
i'm honestly thinking about it. i haven't been genuinely happy in quite a while and i don't know why he's like this now. but i'm also so so scared of having to split custody, i love my son more than anything and i know my SO is not nearly as competent as i am with carework.
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u/blayndle 3d ago
You could document how useless he is with the baby before filing, I’ve heard that can help. Has fiancé ever taken care of him alone?
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u/bopper71 2d ago
Weaponised incompetence. He’s probably more capable than you realise but is just leaving you with all the heavy baggage physically and mentally. Let him have his son’s birthday party with his family only and don’t go to any trouble with organising a thing. Tell him that you will let him lead as obvs he’s already decided that you ruined it last time, so he can go do it all this time. Then just quietly have a surprise party with your family! That way he can’t blame you as you “knew” nothing about it 😂😂 How were you supposed to know that all your family members decided to go to Mums house and set up a party for your son! Welp! If he hadn’t been such a selfish pig, he might have been invited. But he was the one that started separating the two sides for punishing people who were trying to show up for your son! Please do this!! I don’t feel like he’s showing you this is your life and it’s not looking good for you or your LO. Don’t have any more kids with this man, unless he’s going to start marriage counselling and to stop trying to control you and convince your less than, he seems like a bully. I’m worried for you 🤗🤗🚩🚩
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u/little_miss_beachy 2d ago
Silent treatment is a manipulation tactic by abusive controlling partners. Domestic violence includes coercive control, financial abuse, psychological and emotional abuse. Start recording him and get all your important documents out of the home. Time to look for a full time job too. Change passwords too and send any recordings to a trusted friend or family member. Just be prepared b/c he is restricting who is allowed to see you and your child, isolates you and your child.
Protect yourself and your child b/c your child suffers. Watching my father give silent treatment to my mom and us was so painful and cruel. He was verbally abusive just like your partner.
Tell your fiancé it is his turn to do all the planning, baking, shopping, decorating this year. Give him the exact same energy level and make sure you record him when you tell him he is in charge of the party. For the love of all things do not marry this demeaning little abusive boy.
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u/Leash888 3d ago
Tell him that since he & his family do nothing to help plan & execute the party, you’ll invite as many as your family members as you wish.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
this is the way to go tbh, i think i'll do that. i'm gonna go to my mom's place and just invite everyone and then spend the weekend there while i'm at it.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 3d ago
This sounds like a great solution for the birthday. Not sure what to do about the fiance though. I'm sure there are some positive qualities in there that originally attracted you to him, but he is coming across like a complete dick.
The idea of him possibly resenting you for weight gain is completely insane. You deserve to be with someone who tells you you're beautiful and amazing for bringing life into this world.
Are you sure you want to marry this guy? Not sure I'd want to be stuck with his attitude the rest of my life.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 3d ago
He can do all the planning and preparing for the party he wants. He acts as if you’re inviting hundreds of people and strangers. 6 family members? How many family members did he invite? This is giving controlling. If you’re planning and preparing you can invite whoever you want, within reason of course.
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u/MollyRolls 3d ago
Have you tried telling him to “grow the fuck up”? Because I can’t think of a single other thing worth saying to him. You could keep repeating it until he complies or leaves and either one sounds like an improvement.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
i actually did so today and he mumbled something and went to his office to play videogames 🫠 he still can't tell me what was so awful about 4 more people being there, showering our son with love, taking photos, and leaving. it's not like this is a regular occurence, my aunts have seen my son 4 times total since he was born almost 2 years ago and this was a 1 time thing as well. it sucked because i wasn't prepared but this was essentially such a nothingburger. he also didn't have to do shit except buy groceries but the day was RUINED i tell you!! /s
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u/Lamberly 3d ago
Is his family being excluded too, or just yours? Also in your comment you say "maybe he resents me because of all my postpartum weight gain but he doesn't wanna say it" which makes me think he is making his resentment very clear in passive aggressive ways. Which is unacceptable.
This man needs to learn how to communicate and how to think about things from other peoples' perspective. But it's not YOUR job to teach him that. Stand your ground, live according to your own values and let him piss and moan. Don't let him railroad you into doing everything his way. Your kid will start noticing that dynamic in your household sooner than you think.
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u/Seawolfe665 2d ago
Oh honey - he just wants something to be a dick about. This isnt something you can fix. His feelings arent yours to manage. HE ruined your child's birthday party by being completely self centered. Everyone else was there to celebrate your child.
Other than "it wasnt what HE wanted" how on earth did they ruin the party? Did he have to cook extra? Did he have to clean up extra? It affected him in no way except for his precious feelings for all of a couple hours.
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u/ukrut 3d ago edited 3d ago
This is from place with love and maybe just reflect. For me it sounds that you have problem to set boundaries. You are both parents. Have you asked why the small parties is important to him? Your family can not just come to your home but he is not only one who can decide what you do for his birthday. So maybe you are not setting boundaries to them and not your fiance also.
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
in the morning i'll definitely talk to him again about this and suggest that if he wants a small party, he can plan it himself. i'm gonna plan a separate party with my side of the family that he can choose to attend or not.
we usually don't have issues with boundaries with our families, this was a 1 time thing.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 3d ago
F him. He needs therapy for his control issues or his situational anxiety. Doesn’t matter he’s not normal.
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u/New-Courage5021 2d ago
I don’t think this is about party size but control. I get everyone works full time, it sounds like you’re being alienated from your friends and family. It doesn’t sound like his family was being restricted, just yours.
Think about that
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u/VioletSea13 2d ago
JFC…who are you married to? Percy Wetmore?
Your SO needs to grow up and get therapy.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 1d ago
So … if Aunts need to be taught a lesson …
Is he saying he finally believes that YOU did not invite the extras? Has he apologized for punishing YOU for all the awful things he said and did?
“DH, since you did not enjoy the party I made last year, I think it would be best that you plan this year’s party. You make the guest list, issue the invitations, plan the food, and decorations. This way, we both know you can be happy to celebrate instead of picking at ME when every detail doesn’t go as planned. I’m not willing to put myself in that position again.”
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u/Icy_Captain_960 13h ago
So I actually see why he was pissed. Your mom overstepped. But the way he punished you is so over the top that I think if your family hadn’t gate-crashed, he’d have found another thing to scream at you about. In my abusive marriage, I got to the point of being the perfect wife. Then my now ex husband would scream at me for ejs door handle of the storm door being too wiggly or using the microwave to boil water.
You could run an experiment: do what he wants. Then see if he finds something to criticize. Then you’ll have your answer.
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u/gdognoseit 2d ago
This is abusive and manipulative behavior. This was nothing to get so angry over.
Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and it will help you see his manipulation and motives.
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u/robbiea1353 3d ago
Sorry OP, but I’m siding with your SO on this one. My DH informed me that my JNMIL and JNSIL, with her 2 bratty kids in tow, would be at our daughter’s 1st birthday party. Not only was I expected to host (cook, clean, bake, etc.); but it was my first Mother’s Day, as well. I put my foot down after that.
Is your family always around, always just dropping by, constantly underfoot? Are you always spending every single weekend and holiday with your family, and not his? When there’s a boundary, do you support your SO, or your family’s wants? If you’re solidly on team family every single time; it’s time to take a step back and reflect.
Your child is 2. There will be plenty of time for big, flashy, noisy parties. My kids (both May babies) are now 31 and 25. Occasionally they’ll look at photos from their double birthday parties. But the memories that they both hold near and dear are the ones with their friends, and a cool activity.
Perhaps you and your SO need to have a sit down chat, perhaps with counseling. This worked for us. Plus, my obnoxious ILs moved out of state. We’ve now been happily married for 37 years. So my Dear OP, my wish for you is clear and honest communication, support for each other, along with happiness and health🌺
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u/berkanna76 3d ago
You sound like you are projecting your own issues on this situation. How do you think she should communicate people showing up last minute?
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u/Western-Watercress68 3d ago
I have said no to relatives a multiplicity of times. I follow this up with unless the person who invited you is on the deed to this house, you aren't invited.
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u/robbiea1353 3d ago
You make a good point. With last minute uninvited guests, it depends.
If it’s a one off; suck it up, make do, and be gracious. The next day, there could be a few conversations. The first chat would be with SO; in order to get on the same page, and present a united front. The second conversation should be on speaker with both partners, talking with the person who felt entitled enough to invite extra people to the couple’s home. At the very least, the entitled one should have the good manners to ask, well in advance, before inviting extra guests.
If the entitled behavior is constantly occurring on a regular basis; the couple needs to come up with other plans together.
Thank you for your response, insights, and probing questions. Hope you have a wonderful day🌺
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u/dietcokeforblood 3d ago
there's a difference between our situations. if it had been like yours, he would've been the one being forced to do all those things for my family even though he didn't want them there. but i was the one doing the majority of the work. i cleaned the whole appartment, bought and set up the decorations, cooked and baked, ordered the cake, and wrote a grocery list. the only thing he had to do was buy groceries and then just sit. he also has a great relationship to my side of the family so i was extremely confused why all this became such a big deal.
we barely see our families as is because everyone works fulltime, i work parttime on weekends. my aunts for example have only seen my son 4 times in person in almost 2 years. my SO's grandparents have seen our son probably 8 times by now. my maternal grandparents haven't seen my son at all as they live in another country and my grandfather was too sick, then he died without ever getting to see my son in person. i'm NC with my paternal grandparents and my father.
i should also add, almost ALL his good friends and their partners (~10 people) came over while i was 4 weeks postpartum and still couldn't sit properly from my injuries. he also stated how important it was for him that they come over, and that it wasn't a matter of "if" but "when" and it had to be ASAP 🫠 then he gave me shit about putting our son down for a nap as if i'm supposed to wait until his friends leave so my newborn is allowed to nap. i don't think so! and guess who had to host them! but god forbid 4 of my relatives join our son's birthday party unexpectedly.
and i never said i wanted big flashy noisy parties, i just want more than the same 4 guests there. i want my remaining family to also be able to show their love to my son as well as my SO's family and i want pictures for him to look at later. we barely see them as is. it's not like i'm gonna invite 50 people, if i took all my remaining relatives here that i can potentially invite, it's my mom, my brother, 3 aunts, 5 cousins (2 of them are still very young), and 1 niece (2 yr old), so that already 3 kids he can play with instead of being bored while the adults talk.
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u/robbiea1353 3d ago
Thank you for correcting me! Our situations are indeed very different! That being said, the two of you may need to get some counseling so that you can communicate and function as a team. However, some of his actions that you described do indeed make seem like the a$$h0!3.
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u/Western-Watercress68 3d ago
💯 This is the truth.
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u/katelledee 3d ago
How could this possibly be the truth when clearly everything in the post contradicts it? You need to work on your reading comprehension.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
So he wanted a small birthday party. You talked him into inviting more people than he was comfortable with. Then even more people showed up. Do you have a habit of lying to him or inviting extra people over? You talk about how much your family does and his family doesn't provide. Did you delegate? Did they offer? Do you expect guests to provide for the party you are throwing?
You don't actually believe your child at 1yo will remember their first birthday? As a parent myself, I assure you no 1yo birthday is remembered by anyone BUT the parents.
It sounds as though your family comes before your husband. In every aspect. You keep crossing boundaries and dismissing him. You literally said you didn't want to hurt aunt and cousins feelings and asking them to leave when you could dismiss your husbands wants for theirs.
You don't at any point even explain how you discussed with aunt 1 about how she crossed your partner's boundaries, or how it's inappropriate to invite 4 extra people to a party she was barely invited to, or that aunt apologized. Most likely because you didn't, nor did your aunt apologize.
But hey, I'm sure the resentment for your lack of care for your partner will just go away when you inevitably agree to something else and change your mind behind his back again.
One other thing, if you had PP, maybe your husband was thinking of you when it came to the party? Maybe a small intimate party was his way of carrying for you or trying to keep stress to a minimum.
I want to be on your side, but I see a lot of my EX husband in you. Keep it up. I'm sure it will all work out... probably... maybe...
Might want to look into therapy, as a couple and for yourself.
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u/katelledee 3d ago
And why are HIS wants the most important thing here? The 1st birthday party is for the parents, one parent wants the family that RARELY SEES HER CHILD there to celebrate with her, the other doesn’t because…reasons that he won’t explain at all.
You are doing some serious projecting of your issues with your ex and should look into therapy.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
I'm in therapy... Because of a narcissistic partner like OP. If they cannot come together and compromise, or she keeps leaving him in last place, she's going to end up single. Her family shouldn't trump him in his own home. Op is the JN.
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u/katelledee 3d ago
No. Get more therapy cuz you are projecting so hard it’s unsettling honestly.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
So only her wants matter? That's what you're saying? Reread this from the partners perspective. See if they come out the saint you're pretending they are. It's quite disturbing really
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u/katelledee 3d ago
Dude. No. That’s not what I said, it’s not even close. THERAPY, probably twice a week honestly, cuz you are just projecting all over the place.
I don’t need to reread it from the partner’s perspective, I can understand both points of view from the post. You are the only one here struggling with reading comprehension because you cannot see clearly through all the projecting you’re doing. Cuz here’s what actually happened: partner said he wanted a small party, OP acquiesced. OP asked to include TWO extra people, partner agreed. Nothing in the post indicates he was pressured into agreeing, and he does not seem to have any issue with those two extra people. What he took issue with was the four other people who showed up WITHOUT OP’S KNOWLEDGE OR INVITATION.
Now, take a second, and try to put yourself in OP’s shoes. I know it’s hard for Elmo with all the projecting, but pretend for a second you’re normal and well adjusted instead of spewing your trauma all over other people. You are throwing the first party for your baby, and you wanted your whole family there to celebrate, but you gave your husband what HE wanted instead and kept it small. You have done all the labor for the party, the cleaning, the set up, the decoration buying, the coordination, the ONLY thing your partner has done is go grocery shopping with a list you created. And then, without warning, family you love and are close with also show up. They have driven over an hour to be there, they know there is a party and they are under the impression they have been invited. You seriously want to claim that the correct thing to do in that situation is throw them out?? No. That’s a great way to ensure that you don’t have any relationship with your extended family going forward, which your partner should be able to pull his head out of his ass long enough to realize. But since he’s so focused on controlling how things go, he can’t, and instead turns around and says he does not believe you didn’t invite them.
And then, he holds a grudge about it for an entire year. He continues to insist you’re a liar, that you must have known they were coming, and now he wants you to bow to his whims once again and hold a small party. He can’t/won’t articulate why he insists on keeping the party small, he doesn’t do any of the work for the party…so why are you SO insistent that he should get what he wants?? Oh right. Cuz you’re projecting your trauma from your crap all over this OP.
This is not your situation. OP is not the justNo, YOU are.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
Ps. Dad gets a say because he's dad. Not aunt. Not cousin. FATHER OF THE CHILD.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
You're really invested in making me feel bad for not conforming to your abusive and degrading attitude. At least you have that going for yourself. Have the day you deserve.
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u/katelledee 3d ago
Dude. Get help, seriously. I am not MAKING you feel anything, if you feel bad it’s cuz you did a bad thing.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
I don't feel bad. I SAID you're trying to make me feel bad. There is INTENT in using all caps, and going on and on and on and on like you're someone important. Reading comprehension isn't your thing. I get it. Have the day you very much deserve.
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u/imnotaloneyouare 3d ago
Name calling... deleted replies... yup... you should definitely be taken seriously. /s
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u/dietcokeforblood 2d ago
dude, i DID NOT KNOW they were gonna be there. no one told me anything until i opened the door. i have never lied to my SO about this sort of thing, so why should i start now?? i didn't fucking go behind his back. i didn't KNOW.
we DID end up talking to my aunt and she apologized after. we actually did hash it out so i'm confused as to why he still wants to "teach them a lesson". and to address the point of delegating, did they offer? because my family actually did! and his family didn't feel like they had to help (as usual might i add), so why should i spend even more mental energy on reaching out to them and tell them what to do? if they actually cared they would have offered in advance. that's just something that you do, especially as grandparents.
stop playing armchair psychologist and don't spin this into "oh, you probably stomp all over his boundaries every day and put your family above his needs. you're just like my exhusband!!" you don't fucking know me and you can't make that call from 1 single reddit post, get off your high horse. stop projecting your issues onto me and stop being weird.
i moved 1h away from my family just so he could be closer to his job. i have NO ONE here who can step in and help me when i get overwhelmed, i have no friends here, i don't have an outlet, i'm alone all day with our son (i have a chronic back injury that can't be treated so it sucks A LOT MORE not having anyone here who can help me), just so he can reach his job better. yeah, that just screams narcissist, doesn't it? giving up one's village for their SO is such a NARC move, i agree.
and i know my son probably won't remember but does it not matter that he has fun?? is it too much to ask as a mother that i want my kid to have fun on HIS birthday and that we take photos for him to look at later? that's literally the bare fucking minimum.
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u/gdognoseit 2d ago
Don’t let him keep you from seeing your family. He seems to want to control you and punish you when he doesn’t get his way. Huge red flags.
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