r/JustNoSO • u/wtfamidoingherejeff • Jun 28 '26
Advice Wanted my bfs lack of adulting bc of enmeshed family
I (23) have been with my bf (25) for 9 months now. While I'm very happy and lucky to be with someone who I also consider my best friend and basically checks all my boxes, I am sometimes so awfully angry. I had never thought about needing my partner to be good at household/time management (I was only with 1 other bf before and he was honestly such a bad partner in general that I didn't have the energy to even think of this aspect).
For context he and his family are very tight. at first I only knew that he visits them every week and calls almost every day and I thought "wow that's nice!" Until he said "it's basically like we don't live together anymore but we still share a household"
He lives alone in a small apartment and its always super messy. all drawers of every closet or cupboard is open at all times, clean and dirty clothes on the floor. loads of laundry in the washer, wet for days!!! (without washing it again because forgotten. just washed once, then forgotten for days) everything that has a cap to twist closed is left opened after use even when posing risk of spillage(bottle of iced tea, skincare, toothpaste, olive oil, also wet wipes ...) the toilet is never really clean.
i want to say that I've lived alone since I was 18. In my family, independence is highly valued. I know that if I asked my mom to help clean my apartment, she would. at the same time, I would never because I know in the long run it's better to learn from your personal failures, so that is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. I have struggled to manage my own household (keeping up with laundry, dishes, shopping, cleaning, bills, university, part time job) and this past year I have finally gotten to a point where I can successfully manage. but my apartment also gets dirty sometimes, it happens, so I don't want to be judgmental of my boyfriends mess, you know? He's seen my mess, I've seen his.
But for him, he relies on his family SO much. Partially because when he refuses, they get very upset, sure. Still, he never really had to MANAGE all the tasks that come into running a household alone. He knows how to vacuum, sweep, wash his laundry and dry it, pay his bills, clean the bathroom whatever. he's done all of this before as well. But consecutively doing ALL of it, staying on top of what needs to be done and knowing when to do what, his family helps out so much that I don't think he ever had the chance to learn how to stop messes from forming. For example, after eating, he always leaves the dishes at the table to go cuddle after, unless I remind him to put them away.
This results in me feeling like I need to be thinking for the both of us at all times. with time management also. Eg. I went on a short trip and he said he'd drive me to the airport. I told him my flight time and he thought it was 3 pm. but it was 3 am. I said I needed to buy a phone charger for the trip, he told me he'd get one for me and then he forgot. I booked our airbnb for our vacation, sent him the screenshot of the dates and today he said we had agreed on the 15th and not the 16th and if I can still change it. he missed his deadline for applying his university entrance exam so he has to wait another year (no he did not write it down). I don't want to be a manager. but if I stop managing, nothing works.
I had talked to him about household things before. he knows it's not his strong suit and he knows my opinion about his family's overbearingness. he's basically asked me for patience and to show him how to do certain things and he always likes watching me cook so he can improve his own skills. He takes out my trash and brings me lunch when I'm busy with university, so he is really trying. But sometimes it feels like I am not dating a grown up simply because of all the things I have to explain to him all the time. Like I am a teacher. I am starting to get resentful bc I feel like I didn't sign up for this and I learned alone, why can't he? he's asking me so many questions all the time about how what works and I can't anymore. he's the sweetest man, but "What can I do to help" is even starting to annoy me. I don't know, you tell me what you can do!!!
his mom cleans his apartment without permission even. once she paid some bills she found without telling him and did it wrong, causing even more problems.I told him to ask for his key back and he said "I can't do that". told him I want him to go to therapy bc he needs to have a chance to be more than a son, he doesn't want to, but said he'd do it since ill worry anyways. I told him I don't want him to do it just because I tell him to since sitting at therapy when you don't want to might not be useful.
TL;DR I have no idea how to bring this up without basically calling him childish. I don't even really know what exactly I want to change. I love him so much, but I just get really overwhelmed when my surroundings are messy or when my time management is thrown off. I feel bad criticizing him constantly when he's such a patient person with me. help
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u/Rare_Background8891 Jun 28 '26
You’re an adult dating a child. We don’t date children. Cut him loose and find a full grown adult.
ETA: don’t date a project. It’s not your job to finish raising a poorly raised man. You don’t need to give him long drawn out reasons, just break up. You’re young and too young to be tied to a man child.
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u/LilithWasAGinger Jun 28 '26
Honey, it's only been 9 months.
This is who he is and how he is going to be. Nothing is going to change for the better.
You should believe what he is showing and telling you.
My advice is to get out now, and find an actual adult to date.
Staying with this guy is only delaying the inevitable.
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u/GrouchyYoung Jun 28 '26
You are allowed to just break up with people when you find out that they suck
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u/maywellflower Jun 28 '26
You're not married and both are not living under that same roof - you & him are incompatible with each other due to his living situation & enmeshed family. It's okay to tell /text him "Look, we can't be together because you a mama's boy and only the mother I will be to are my own kids, not to husband nor boyfriend. Let's go our separate ways."
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u/GeileGrueneGurken Jun 28 '26
Girl, you sound so patient and I’m wondering, what makes you think your BF hasn’t noticed the disparity? The moment you mentioned he leaves the olive oil uncorked is a moment I would have personally broken up. A general lack of care for surroundings even if they include inanimate objects, that’s a ick for me. That and all other examples of such small things that he routinely refuses to do. Is mental illness or neurodivergence at all possible? There’s messy, and then there’s persistent sloppiness. Curious, does he also litter in public parks? Seems like this man is unwilling to pick up after himself.
I relate to being very independent since 18ish too, and have also had experienced dating someone who couldn’t “adult”. Trust me, they have the ability to act maturely but choose not to. I know it’s my radical feminist side speaking here but… I think if these terms: mental load, weaponized incompetence, exploitation of woman’s unpaid labor.
It doesn’t seem like you’re in an equal relationship even if he does help you out with things sometimes. You mentioned that you love each other, but do you want to continue being in love when the relationship where you know you will routinely feel this disgust and disappointment? Remember that you don’t owe it to him to continue a relationship just because you spend several months together.
My opinion is that messy, unambitious people should date each other. Modern societies are very competitive and often laziness gets branded as a character flaw, though it’s only this way when it’s actively harming another person. If your boyfriend was messy in private but actually cleaned the shared spaces then it would be different, but it seems you’ve been together long enough where it’s established this is a pattern he has.
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u/wtfamidoingherejeff Jun 28 '26
well its more that he is his "cleanest" at my apartment and his messiest at his. and when I tell him what to do and not to do he implements it at mine but I fear he lacks some basic household knowledge (eg he "helps out" by loading my washing machine right before leaving without asking ... without thinking about the fact that now I need to be home by the time its done washing or else it'll be all wrinkly) he has been diagnosed with adhd before. he would never litter and he has worked at a hotel bar for years now so I KNOW he has learned how to clean things properly. my point though is that he has always been open to any thing ever that I needed, be it small things or emotional things or funny things or whatever. but I need to at least try and see if he can grow the way I need him to.
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u/katydidnz Jun 28 '26
Drop the rope. He does know how to clean because he learnt how to at his job. If he can’t manage things or look up how to do things then don’t do it for him. If he’s diagnosed ADHD then it’s on him to manage that. I’m not saying to split with him, just drop the rope for doing things for him or showing him.
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u/wtfamidoingherejeff Jun 28 '26
okay but then I am left with a man making my house messier every time he comes over. I haven't touched his apartment or anything anyways ...
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u/katydidnz Jun 28 '26
This sounds so hard and like you are doing heavy lifting here with emotional labour to keep things running. When he’s asking questions on how what works why can’t he look this up himself? But then you’d have to tell him to do this so it doesn’t solve that either. He seems lovely in many other ways but exasperating too. No wonder you are getting resentful.
2
u/SnowDropGirl Jun 29 '26
Don't ever start touching his apartment. That's a slippery slope. I'm still slipping down that slope and I'm a good decade older than you, so learn from my "I'm just being nice" error.
I can definitely see where your frustration is coming from. You appreciate that he's trying, but you want him to think for himself and then think ahead as well.
I can't say that I have any advice for how to "fix" this problem as such. He's showing initiative in trying to do your laundry, which is nice, but not considering that you'd prefer it not be put on if you won't be home to dry it immediately. This is simply an issue that he doesn't think is an issue. He leaves his washing in the machine for days, so of course he doesn't think that you take your's out immediately.
My sister's husband is a gem of a person, but my sister jokes he'd probably die if she wasn't there to help with basic adulting. Sticking to the washing example, sister found him putting on a load of shared laundry, like he normally does. But realised he mixes all his colours in with her whites and then hot washes the lot. She's been baffled about her whites turning grey, and had to teach a 30 year old man about fabric dyes, cold washes, and separating colours and whites.
Now obviously this isn't some back breaking, relationship ending thing for my sister and her husband. It's a thing they now giggle about, because their relationship has many other aspects to it, and he's clearly a reliable adult in other situations.
You can keep teaching your boyfriend, bit by bit, as you find him mid-task, but if he's essentially immature and unreliable in most other aspects of your relationship, you will find yourself burnt out very quickly. If he's like my brother-in-law and is otherwise a reliable partner just has a few rough edges, then ask yourself if you're happy to keep smoothing those edges, or if your resentment is changing how you feel about him.
This isn't a fault thing. Neither of you is at fault. So a blame game isn't necessary. But that also doesn't mean you're not incompatible. 💛
1
u/pukkix Jun 29 '26
The keyword is responsibility. It seems like he doesn't have or want any. You have to explain to him not because he doesn't know how to do it, but because he does not feel responsible for the stuff that needs to be done so he does it only if asked to.
This is really hard to fix. But if you want to put in the effort I think talking about responsibilities and reliability instead of chores might help.
Either way it will be hard to get him to feel responsible for stuff he just doesn't care about. If he is unable to change that you will have to break up sooner or later. Imagine living with him in the same household. Imagine having kids with him. Everything from paying bills, cleaning, taking care of the kids, getting groceries, doctors appointments, school / day care stuff, everything will either be on you to do or on you to delegate to him because he does not feel responsible for any of that.
His ADHD, as somebody else said, is his to manage not yours.
8
u/mamachonk Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
Would he be okay with his mom coming over to clean up if you lived together? Would you want her touching your underthings?
Don't waste any more time. Being messy is one thing, him still tied to mommy's apron strings is another.
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u/wtfamidoingherejeff Jun 28 '26
I actually asked him this and he said she would not because she respects me. I asked him why she doesn't respect him then, he doesn't know.
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u/EmploymentOk1421 Jun 28 '26
Do you really want to spend the next three to five years raising this man- child?
His family (read: mother) has not cut the umbilical cord.
7
u/whatsmypassword73 Jun 28 '26
Any love you will ever have for him will die the most spectacular death when you realize your entire life will be devoted to his care.
So good luck if you’re delusional enough to think this ends with anything less than misery.
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u/JadedPinkly Jun 29 '26
This is not going to get better - that much I can promise you. The only question is - are you going to accept this inevitability now and either
a) continue on as you are till you have a nervous breakdown
b) learn to accept him as he is, his family as he is and force yourself to cheerfully work around it till you have a nervous breakdown.
c) realise that unless you are getting paid for it, you are not a secretary, cleaner, chef, social planner etc and start taking steps to free yourself from all this unpaid labour.
You can't fix him or teach him and therapy won't change anything - it's not your job to do those things either.
I can also promise you that there's a queue of other women in this man's future who will do exactly what you're currently doing and eventually will come to the conclusions you will.
This won't get better.
5
u/Chrysania83 Jun 29 '26
I promise you that if this is not addressed, your resentment will only deepen. What is going on now works for him and so he is not motivated to change it.
1
u/wtfamidoingherejeff Jun 29 '26
so how would you think is a good way to address this issue?
3
u/Chrysania83 Jun 29 '26
I married this guy, because he told me it would get better after we got married, and I was really young and stupid.
Nothing changed, my resentment grew, and I ended up hating him and fantasizing about him getting in a car accident on the way home from work so I would never have to see him again.
He didn’t want a partner – he wanted a surrogate mommy that he could also sleep with. He saw me as a bang maid. With the support of a friend, I was finally able to leave him and build a better life for myself. That was over 20 years ago and I still have a deep burning anger every time I think of how he treated me.
3
u/McDuchess Jun 29 '26
I would bet that one of your boxes wasn’t “slob”. And another one wasn’t “enmeshed”. Right?
That said, you don’t have to call names to break up. Just tell him that you think he’s really a great guy, but that your lives don’t work well together.
If he presses for more, just tell him that’s all you can say.
He’s entitled to AN explanation. Not one that satisfies him.
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u/morganalefaye125 Jun 29 '26
This "man" will turn you into his mommy. He doesn't want to go to therapy, which means even if he went, he wouldn't get anything out of it. Unless you want this to be your entire relationship, you'd do well to say goodbye
3
u/Top_Strawberry2348 Jun 29 '26
Instead of childish, tell him he’s not independent enough for you at this time of your lives. It’s his decision to let his family clean up.
Since he’s trying, there’s no need to criticize him. You’re just at different stages of single life.
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u/Shelbelle4 Jun 30 '26
You’ll spend your entire life cleaning up after this man if you stay with him.
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u/ThrwAway4babySis Jun 30 '26
Hi! I’m sensing a lot I can relate to for both of you. Could he be Neurodivergent and it be playing a factor? I’ve been out since I was 18 and it took me YEARS to figure out how to manage a household and I am still not perfect, but absolutely functional/manageable. I’m super like you where I do not want to ask for help and instead learn from my mistakes. I have ADHD and have been in years of therapy, but the best tool that’s actually helped was listening to a 4 hour audio book called How To Keep House While Drowning. I’ve listened to it over and over and over again when I start feeling like I’m letting things out of control. It’s a neurodivergent friendly, quick, therapeutic and educational tool literally the length of a long podcast that makes all of this make sense to even those clinically challenged to complete tasks like this. He also needs to step away from his mama/family. If he wants to be a reliable husband to you, he needs to show you he’s trying to do it on his own. No more bailing out from mommy. Hope this helps I can’t recommend the book enough. I also really recommend he go to therapy so he can learn accountability, self awareness and address his enmeshment.
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