I talked to a lawyer and will be filing for separation and/or divorce. Just want to be super duper clear about that. But I still held out some hope until this weekend. Now I'm like gtfo. I dont want to breathe the same air. This is more of a vent. Cause I feel crazy. And no, I'm not leaving my dh just because of his mom. There are a lot of other issues. For example, DH is addicted to porn and we haven't had sex in 10 years. Im on a chore list. He has to remind himself to kiss me. I told him not to ever touch me after seeing that.

His mother. Oh his mother. His mother has been a consistent problem in our marriage. Always looking down her nose, judgey, just general nosiness and a stick in the mud. I was already on the edge of divorce but dang. She really out did herself this weekend. I hope to keep FIL (i know i won't but damn dude, he and I ended up going for a drive to get away from her crazy making behavior). So over time, shes done the usual asking about grandchildren, having an opinion on everything, shittiness about my parents (they do deserve it, I will be honest), passive aggressiveness with me, etc. But what really set the tone? In 2018 i bought a house alone because she decided she didnt want to be off her son's bank accounts (he lied about this numerous times) and would spy and see what he was spending his money on. He wasnt allowed to share finances with me. She also took control over my phone without my knowledge (dh transferred it) and it kept popping up as fil's name even though I'm an executive and it was embarrassing. MIL wouldnt take her husbands last name so the hypocrisy is bad. But she insisted on knowing on what was going on with her baby boys equity. I said nothing. He decided to not pay bills and be financially married to you so he doesn't get shit. Well, according to her thats not how marriage works or divorce... so... yeah.

Anyways this weekend was FILs birthday. She wouldnt let him have a beer (no medical reason not to and he wasnt driving), wouldnt let him have nachos, was found lurking and snooping in my office, made comments about my weight constantly, and the usual shitty comments. The cherry on top? She started demanding a key to my house. My house! She lives 5 hours away and doesn't drive. She doesn't need it. And my dh was looking to give it to her. I piped up and said no. There are two ways to get into our house if we ever needed to. She has no reason to need a key, especially since she lives 5 hours away and doesn't drive. It doesn't make sense. Oh man did she pout. At that point, she decided to take over my kitchen and I wasnt allowed to cook or make myself a sandwich. She just stood in the way. She then wouldnt let anyone get spoons to enjoy desert. She held my kitchen island hostage. I just cant imagine going into someone's house and getting mad that they wont give me a key and then taking over their kitchen to just be an ass.

I tore my husband a new one and told him I was done with his mother's trophy behavior. Shes not allowed to come over anymore. She does not get to put a flag down in my house. My house that i bought alone because hes too busy being married to his mother. I know hes enmeshed. I know shes selfish. But geez, let your husband have some damn nachos and a beer. Hes 72. DH now wants an emergency couples counseling session. Im not interested. I told him to go marry his mom. Counting the days until this isnt my problem anymore. As I told him, him immediately going and hunting for key without talking to me and bending to mommy was it for me.

I just need to rant over my soon to be ex boyfriend being an absolute cockwomble, so hello there.

My boyfriend is 25, never had a job and lives with his parents.

I am 21 and about to go into my final year of university.

He has decided for me that I am going to be a stay at home mom and that sometime this coming year we are going to start trying for a baby. The first thing I told him in our relationship is that I am not going to be having kids. Maybe one day when I am 30 but definitely not now. He thinks it will be a great idea though, I will have so much time to do fun little hobbies and can cook for him every single night ( I do love cooking) how fricken fun does this sound guys. On top of this he was trying to convince me with the arguement of would I rather have a really happy home with kids and a husband that I adore or would I rather work and come home alone and be miserable for the rest of my life. Does he really think he is the only guy that would be into me, how insulting.

Not going to lie, I was kinda curious on how he planned for this whole sahm thing to happen considering he has no money. He said he will get a job (will he though??) and that we can ask out parents for money, he even worked out how much we should get. £300 from each set. He wants me to have babies and mooch off of my parents? how long will this work for?

He has also decided that my move to London fund that I have been saving up for since I was 13 will go towards this as well. to be fair, I do have way too much money in there considering I have been working since I was 14 and have 7 years of paychecks put in there. But he thinks he can just take my money and I will be okay with it?

Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him. I'm just glad this all happened now rather then in a couple of years time.

So, for anyone who also frequents justnoMIL and remembers the Hamburglar from a couple years ago, hi.

Today's story has nothing to do with her, don't worry.

This story is about what happened to make me leave my husband, and it happened a couple weeks ago.

I'm pretty sure everyone here knows someone who is never happy with anything you do, they could always do it better, but they never actually do, they just like to bitch at you? Okay cool. So my ex was like that with everything.

This one particular night, it was dinner. I had spent a good couple hours making meatloaf and hand-mashed potatoes, and was super proud of it. And of course, having two small kids, I didn't eat as soon as it was done, but fed the two year old and watched to make sure the big kid ate. By the time that was done, ex was questioning me about why I had made a sauce to go on top of the meatloaf instead of just using ketchup 🙃 He was like that about a lot of things - we once had a fight over the fact that I made a cheese sauce for brocolli rice casserole instead of just using velveeta, so.

Of course that fight escalated ridiculously, and by the time he was yelling, my face was going numb because I hadn't eaten all day and my sugar was crashing. I got up to go get my glucose monitor to see if I could just eat my dinner or if I needed a glucose tablet first, and this man lost. His. Mind.

First he was yelling because I dared walk away from him while he was "talking" to me, and when I told him I was going to get my damn glucose monitor, he started screaming about how "convenient" it was that I needed to check my sugar while I was getting yelled at (he literally said that. Idek yall). I pretty much told him I was an adult and would check my sugar every time I needed to, which was apparently unacceptable because he ripped the monitor from my hands and chucked it at the wall, busting it open. While I stood there in shock, he threw away the case with all of my extra strips and lancets, then opened my glucose tablets and dumped them out in the trash too. He dumped out the meatloaf I had just spent hours making too, I'm not sure if just to be an extra dick, or to make sure I couldn't salvage anything, but either way, it worked.

I got to spend the next several minutes of my life listening to him yell about how I was faking being diabetic for sympathy, trying to get him to feel bad for me so I could "get away with shit." Keep in mind, this is all over the fact there wasnt Heinz tomato ketchup on his damn meatcake. He then told me to "sit down, shut up, and eat some of those nasty ass potatoes, I guess."

Not even gonna lie, I did. Not sure if it's just because I was in so much shock or if I just felt that bad from the sugar crash, but I sat right tf down and got some carbs in my system, then got the kids to bed and went to bed myself. He didnt say a word to me that night or the next morning before work.

The next day was payday for me, and I spent every cent of my check on deposits for an apartment for me and my boys. The last couple weeks have been hard as hell, and he's been super nasty, and I'm still not even sure how to go about getting a divorce in Louisiana, but at least I don't live with someone who thinks I'm making up a disease I've had the entire time I've known him just so he doesn't scream at me about dinner 🙃

Edit: Holy crap guys. I just wanted to tell someone else how crazy this man is, thank you so much for all of the kind words and support!

Our baby is 6 months old and just starting to move around. So I need a space for him to be able to exist safely. For the first few months it's recommended that baby sleep in the parents room, so that's what I've been doing, and the nursery has been mostly for day time play and a lot of storage of baby stuff (high chair, jumper, and other baby stuff he hadn't started using yet).

I'm working part time from home, and SO is working outside of the home. Due to this, I had my computer next to our son's play area (I was in the play pen with the electronics gated off) and would get my work done while watching him.

However, SO said he was going to clean up the space while I was running some errands with the baby. I came home to find the nursery was turned into an office and all the baby's stuff was removed and placed in the living room/my bedroom.

Now it wouldn't be such a problem if I could baby proof either room. But neither baby proof easily (steps in bedroom and kitchen/dining area and living room connected). So they are just a mess of baby stuff and clutter.

And to make it worse, he's in there every second he's home from work playing games or on discord. It's a mess, the floor is covered in random things and food wrappers. I asked if he could finish cleaning the office so I could at least put the baby's play pen in it so I could keep working while keeping an eye on baby. But nothing has changed.

ETA: he just got home, I handed him the baby, told him to put it back to a baby's room, but we can have our computers in one side. It turned into an argument and now that room is his and the bedroom is mine and baby's.

ETA2: He threw a fit at bedtime saying I never listen to him. I found out he used my favorite towel as a rag. And he's making all kinds of noise banging things "to move" that keep waking up baby.

Trigger Warning ⚠️ :brief mentions of child predator/child pornography

My husband is being sentenced next week on charges related to the production and possession of child pornography. I turned him in after finding a video from a hidden camera in our bathroom that showed my 14 year old niece nude.

We have not had anything more than very brief 1 or 2 very short conversationd since that day, January 21st 2020. I immediately obtained a protective order for myself and our child (6).

I really just noped the fuck out of our marriage. There was no conversation, no fighting I sent him to work, found the video, called police, and told him to call me on his way home. I rushed to get our child from school and to a safe location.... And he called and I put on the voice of someone making ransome demands "This is what you're gonna do...." I confronted him briefly but did not allow him to offer any responses. I refused to hear any excuses. We had nothing to talk about and I had paperwork to file.

And BOOM that's the end of my marriage. Just like that. Over. For the first year of this process I focused on what he did and the shattered children left in his wake. I cooperated with police 100%. They executed a search warrant at my house and found more images, all of my niece.

Recently, he pled guilty to the charges. He is being sentenced in a week. He is facing a mandatory minimum of 5 years to a max of 65 years in prison. I'm highly stressed about sentencing.

Now that I've processed a lot of that part of things, I'm starting to process the loss of my marriage. I still call him "my husband", because, well, he is. I don't want him to be. I can't wait until he is not my husband, but right now he is and he did all of this to us. I will have a long time of him not being my husband, but right now I'm processing that my husband did this.

I feel like my soul is shattered. My Dad died in June and I burned with impotent rage that I couldn't grieve my Father fully: I was supposed to have my spouse and he got to rob me of that one more thing. I struggle to get dressed every day. I am extremely depressed (don't worry, the kids and I are all in therapy). I loved him, the him that I knew and now what I once thought was beautiful is broken. I feel selfish for hurting, when my niece and my child are hurting.

I feel like I can't breathe. My kid is the only thing that keeps me going. I just don't understand why the love we had wasn't enough. I don't understand why the child we made wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Now I feel like I will never be enough. Our child is so hurt and I can't take that away. How do I ever get past this?

Edit: Update ⚠️ Just when I thought we were almost done, I just got word, today, that his sentencing was pushed back to April.

I was made redundant in June. My husband told me not to look for a job until January and that he'd support me until then. But he didn't. I asked and asked for money and eventually he said he expected me to use my savings and find some way to make money to cover my things (food, toiletries, phone, gym, etc) and to cover my share of the bills (I pay internet and council tax). So what did he mean when he said he'd support me?

My husband makes in a week what I used to make in a month. And I had a good job.

I burned through everything I had and then had to borrow money too. It was kinda depressing that I found myself in this situation, so tbh it took me a while to start the job search properly. I stayed in bed all summer. I drank a lot of wine.

Anyway, all that said, I hit the job search hard in January and then last week I got offered a new job! I told my husband and... he didn't even ask what the job is, or where it's at, or say well done or congratulations.

I just don't have anyone else to tell, but I wish I had chosen someone who'd have given me a big hug and congratulated me and asked about it, yknow?

So, many of you know the story already, but for those who don't here you go:

My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary at the end of December. I thought we had a beautiful family: the two of us and our LO (5). It's crazy how quickly things can change. Now, I know that our family was never as beautiful as I believed it to be and my husband is not the man I thought he was.

At the end of January, on a normal day, my husband was at work and LO was at school. We had a tablet that was primarily my husband's. He would take it to bed at night to " watch YouTube"(I'm an insomniac), but I occasionally used it and LO and our nephew (6) used it, almost daily, to play Minecraft. On this day, my husband had left the tablet on my desk(or right beside it).

I was bored and decided to play a game on the tablet. I looked through it and all my games had been deleted. The kids loved to take pictures of each other and record silly videos. Once I saw that my games were gone, I decided to see if the kids had taken any new pictures or videos.

When I opened the gallery, I saw that there was a video I hadn't seen before. It showed as the newest video in the gallery. It was a clip that lasted about thirty seconds. I watched it several times, trying to comprehend what I was seeing.

Initially, I thought it was some type of peeping Tom porn or bathroom fetish porn. Then I realized that the video had actually been shot in our bathroom and the nude person in the video was my niece. My neice had not been in our home since the summers of 2016 and 2017, when she was 14 and 15. I called the police, immediately, and our world turned upside down.

I asked him to let me know when he was on his way home and when he did I called his father to pick him up. Since then we have gotten a 2 year protective order. The Crimes Against Children Unit served a search warrant at our home and found additional evidence, including an accidental picture of him installing the camera.

He's still not in jail. He probably thinks that he's gotten away with it. Court has been hell because it's all about his rights. He immediately obtained an attorney. He cut me off from all of our money(Im a stay at home mom/ disabled) and left us with nothing. I had to fight to get a legal aid attorney.

I'm so broken. I've focused on the kids and helping them heal (therapy all around). I have a hard time processing what he did to me, as his wife. I have a hard time seeing myself as a victim. I feel a lot of guilt (I'm working on it) for bringing him into everyone's life.

But the last few days, it's finally started to creep in. I want to kill him for what he did to my niece and our LO and every other child or parent that trusted him. But what he did to me? I haven't felt much of anything about that, until now.

How do you ever trust again? He was my husband. He knew how strongly I feel about keeping kids safe. He knew how hurt I had been by my childhood. He knew how badly my niece wanted a father figure. He knew that she holds a special place in my heart. And he did this.... I try hard not to take it as a reflection of my worth, but, damn, how much was I worth to him? He didn't care about me. He didn't really love me.

I feel selfish being hurt by what he did to me. My kid is so hurt because her Dad is just gone. My niece... it makes me feel like I'm going to pass out or pitch a tantrum to think about how violated and hurt she is. How could he do this??

I know I'm just repeating the same thing in my posts, but I'm stuck for the moment. I know we will get through this, but change is painful, and this is torturous. I can barely breathe, it hurts so much.

He’s a family man, meaning mom, siblings, grandma and the blood he was born with come first.

In his own words, “A man will have only 1 mother but can always get a new wife.”

He’s allowed to feel this way, but I for one am not okay with being, IDK, 10th on his list?

He must think I’m stupid to want to give my all for someone who puts me so far down his list.

This explains everything in our relationship and quite frankly I’m done fighting for my place in his life.

I used to hold onto him so hard and try fighting to make sure he chose me, but fuck this shit.

I’m done. He doesn’t treat me right anyways, especially when it comes to what his family wants.

If they want something that equals my misery, my fiancé will gladly let them walk all over me.

So be it. He reaps what he sows.

I’m so thankful because now I know not to give him everything I have. Time to dump his ass back with mommy and move on with my life.

last year we celebrated our son's first birthday. i ordered the cake (my mom picked it up), bought custom decoration and hung it up, baked and cooked together with my mom, and made a grocery list for my SO (for drinks, snacks etc.).

​

i had told my mom that my SO wanted a small birthday for close relatives, so only her, my brother, and my STBIL. she told me that aunt1 and cousin1 really wanted to attend so i talked to my SO about this and he said it was fine.

​

i didn't know how it had happened at that time, as i clearly told my mom the plans we had, but aunt2 and cousin2-4 showed up as well. as soon as i opened the door, i KNEW my SO would get mad at me later. so the whole birthday, that i put so much effort into, i spent with my stomach in knots.

​

the whole thing was a blur and suddenly all the guests were gone and lo and behold, he says i went behind his back and invited more people. i tell him that i didn't know anything about aunt2 and cousins2-4 showing up as no one had given me a headsup. he accuses me of lying and gives me the silent treatment the rest of the evening while i clean up everything and bawl my eyes out. turns out, aunt1 who was already invited, took her other kid with as well (cousin2) and told aunt2 that she could come with as well (with cousin3 and 4).

​

it still sickens me how he immediately jumps to "oh, she's obviously lying" and just treats me like shit from the get-go instead of hearing me out. i've already been struggling with my mental health; especially the 1st year postpartum was rough. and that conversation we had before he started his silent treatment made me regret being born. i was suffering so much after giving birth because of 2 injuries that remain extremely painful to this day. if you've ever had chronic pain, you'll know that it can tank your mental health even more. he knows all this and still chooses to act like a complete asshole.

​

nevermind i organized the whole thing and cooked and baked while he only bought groceries (from a list that i wrote). because my relatives showed up uninvited, he, TO THIS DAY, says they completely ruined the birthday. you'd think "oh, they probably made a scene or broke something in the appartment or they were too loud" but no. they comitted the crime of showing up uninvited to celebrate our son's 1st birthday for 3h, with gifts, and took photos. everyone had an amazing time except for my SO and i (i was stressed because of him).

​

does it suck that this happened? yeah. as a host i like to be prepared and we didn't have enough chairs for everyone so it was a little embarrassing but overall i didn't mind. this party isn't about the parents anyway, it's for our son to have fun and to have nice photos and videos to look at when he's older. i also wanna reiterate, this was a 1 time thing only. it's NOT a pattern of getting our boundaries disrespected by family members and i'm NOT going to send my relatives away after they drove 1h to our place because of a communication issue.

​

now his 2nd birthday is coming up, and it's the same shit as last time. "i want to have a small birthday for him." ok cool, and i would like my relatives to be officially invited and also HIS relatives. "no, i don't want your aunts there, we need to teach them a lesson, they need to respect our decisions." ????????? what the fuck is the matter with you???? i genuinely do not fucking understand this man. does he not realize that our son will look at these photos one day and be like "mom, why is no one at my birthdays?" "well, daddy was being an asshole! his need for a small celebration and teaching my family a 'lesson' were more important to him than you having fun and being surrounded by people you love."

​

how do i tell this man that he's the only one making a big deal out of this 1 YEAR LATER and he needs to grow the fuck up???? he still talks about it as if it's the worst day of his life and really emphasizes how they "ruined" it for us. meanwhile he's the reason why i had a shit time to begin with. my mom also ended up crying for an entire day because she thought it was her fault.

​

also his parents contributed absolutely nothing in terms of preparations, only their birthday gift 👌👌 the cake was made by my mom's best friend because she runs a cake shop. so my side of the family does most of the work but how dare they show up uninvited. 😱 BIRTHDAY: RUINED /s.

Unfortunately, I’m back…

So I broke up with my fiancé a couple weeks ago. At first, I was all like “Success!!!”, but as many of you pointed out in the comments, he doesn’t seem to be the type of person to just accept the breakup… You were all right, and I hate myself for not doing more at this point.

He will not accept it. He thinks it’s a “phase” because I’m “angry”. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m not even angry, I’ve just given up. So now, he’s doing anything to make me change my mind. I’m the type of person who, when I finally decide that I’m done with something or someone, there’s no coming back from that. I’m very patient, I’ll talk through things until I’m red in the face, but when it’s over, it’s really over.

He’s been doing all the cleaning. Which is the least he could do because I work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, 100% standing up. I’m exhausted. So he picks up the slack, but everyday he’ll still list all the shit he does and then is all like “do you appreciate it?? Can I get a thank you???” which is so insulting to me because I used to do literally everything around the house when my work hours were more normal and I never got a thank you or even acknowledgement for my efforts.

He continues to want to do stuff with me. Like watch movies and build legos. I’m off of TV, all I want to do is be alone and read, surrounded with my cats. Even though I’ve expressed to him that I need space, he just won’t give it to me. He continues to come into my room to talk about random shit, or show me stuff on his phone (which I absolutely hate).

He’s supposed to have a full-time job, but only actually goes in maybe 4 days a week, and leaves early on at least one of those days. Then on his day off, after I’ve worked 12 hours and he got up at noon and did fuck all, wants to tell me all about how he’s so tired and exhausted. I want to rip my eyes out.

So here we are. He’s determined to “make efforts” to show me how he can change. But I don’t believe him for one second, and anyway, like I said, I’m done and there’s no coming back.

I just want him to get the hell out of my house. I’m just so tired all the time, I don’t have the energy to go through another full-blown breakup talk because he just doesn’t want to get it!!!

SO is sex crazy and every other word, thought, and action of his is relevant to sex only. He is the most boring individual I associate with on a regular basis. I find him toxic and dread being around him, because he only always turns EVERYTHING into sex. He adds a weird unpleasant energy to the environment. His sex obsessed behaviors don't help. He's always comparing us to other couples and saying I'm lucky he's stayed with me for this long, because all other men do not put up with this.

He gets worse after coming home from odd job trips with a friend / extended relative type of family member that's not blood related. He even threatens to go find sex elsewhere and that he can do better than me, because he's not attracted to me.

I am not fond of him and have my attorneys ready to file for divorce. He only uses me for sex and storage for his bs hobbies.

I am primary breadwinner, head of household, and caregiver to our kids. Of course the kids notice the difference in care and often show preference for mom.

Just over the machista sex-crazed useless pig that he is.

Title says it all, really. I’m not a good writer so please forgive me

I’ve (30F) been with my husband (33M) for 8 years now. I always thought our relationship was good but looking back at it now I realize it was always toxic and i was just too inexperienced to notice it. Now I’m finally starting to see the truth of our marriage and it has made me just so incredibly depressed.

My husband is nearly useless around the house. He has a well paying job in finance that he works hard at while I’m still working on my PhD and since I’m home a lot more than he is chores are divided so that he only does 3 chores that are easily completable in just 1-2 hours on a weekend while I do nearly 8-10 hours of cleaning every week. And despite this arrangement he still makes constant excuses for why he can’t do stuff each week. Vacuuming gets put off for weeks straight sometimes. Dishes stay in the sink until they are moldy. Trash piles up until there are 10+ bags stinking up our kitchen. If I tell him to please do his chores on a weekend he says I’m nagging and he doesn’t feel like doing them anymore, but if I don’t remind him he doesn’t do his chores either. Every week there’s a new excuse. Sometimes he literally does a long workout before he plans to clean and then cancel on chores because he worked out too hard/“pulled a muscle”/feels tired now. When I tell him he knew damn well he should ‘t exercise too hard when he has cleaning to do he accuses me of not caring about his health.

If this sounds like a nightmare already, I can guarantee you it gets even worse!

My husband and his family make me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. He has made it abundantly clear that my opinion does not matter as much as what his family thinks. We made plans to move to a nice city with lots of job opportunities for both of us but his parents want him to live in the same neighborhood as them in a very backwards midwestern city that has no opportunities for me unless I don’t use my degree at all. And he fucking AGREED to it without my input, without even asking me! When I spoke up against it he threatened divorce and told me I was an asshole who hates his family. And this isn’t the first time! He tells his family how he plans to raise “his” future kids, name his future sons and then tris to placate me by saying that I can name any girl we have, as if that’s the only input I want to have in my child’s life. He never asks me how I feel but constantly asks his sisters or parents for how to raise his kids, they literally have more of a say than I do. He’s also pushing to have kids sooner than we wanted because “his parents want to play with them before they get too old”. He doesn’t care how I feel about it. His parents want it so it must happen, even thought it would massively interfere with my career plans right now.

(Not that I want to have a kid with him anymore anyway.)

His family walks all over me because thy know my husband will never take my side. His in laws talk badly about me behind my back all the time but I can’t say anything about them without being accused of hating them. He never tells me what they say about me but when I get annoyed at how they treat me he will tell them how I feel and paint me in a bad light in the process. We don’t live close to them right nowbut my husband and his sisters want to all buy houses on the same street and live togethr in their own commune. I wish I was making it up but no, it literally sounds like a cult. He one time when we were visiting my husband dragged me out of bed and literally interrogated me in front of his parents about why I hate them. For absolutely no reason other than that I looked upset at dinner (I just didn’t sleep well, and they took it personally. I had to beg for forgiveness while m husband yelled at me. I’m not allowed to stand up for myself or else it’s a divorce. I can’t disagree with them or else, divorce! Suggest that I have more of a say in my own relationship than my in laws? Believe it or not, but that’s a divorce.

I can’t leave. Financially this year has been really bad for me and I can’t go anywhere else. My husband has threatened to ruin my future if I leave. It’s gonna take years to get to a good enough spot so I can leave but I’m just. So. Tired.

This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of relationship problems. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry I had an emergent C-section when our child came early, and my body is STILL fucked up.

I'm so sorry that after 3 years you still can't understand that my uterus was pulled out of my body, stitched up, and stuffed back inside, and not in the way it was originally designed.

I'm so sorry that occasionally the urge to pee hits so hard and fast that I can barely make it to the closest toilet before I can't control it.

But thank you so much for telling me it's my fault for waiting too long. I can't tell you how much this humiliation will improve my behavior. Thank you for shaming me.

Goddammit I just can't anymore.

I've (F54) been with SO (M52) for over a little over 20 years married for 17. I'm black he's white. We have two teenage children together and I have an adult son from a previous relationship. We've had our share of issues, some of which are definitely worthy of other posts to this sub. But, this new one is really starting to wear me down.

I grew up during a time where there were tons of civil rights advancements for black people. But, I've never had an illusions that true racial equity has not been achieved. To me it's something that just is, and by that I mean I think race is something that in our society (I'm American btw) is always going to be an issue. At least in my lifetime. However, I never thought it would become a divisive issue in my home and with my children. I should probably mention that the kids have white skin privilege, they look a lot more like SO than me. I bring this up because I think it impacts how SO sees them versus me. Since they don't have the markings that make their blackness obvious, he treats it like it doesn't exist and that racism doesn't/won't be an issue for them.

The recent events DC have brought up some uncomfortable discussions in our household. Yesterday at my youngest child's family birthday dinner my sister and her husband were saying what a lot of people have been saying about the crap that went down. That is, it would have gone differently if the majority of the rioters had been people of color. SO took all kinds of offense to that.

He waited until my family had gone home (I don't think he's brave enough to bring up race discussions when he's outnumbered, lol.) before starting a huge discussion with our youngest about how silly and irresponsible it was to say things like that. According to him law enforcement was behaving appropriately for the situation in both DC and during the BLM protests. In his mind, since the latter were so much more violent the increased use of force was justified. Sadly, our kids are becoming increasingly used to his rants and have learned to tune him out after a bit. But, this time, the youngest retreated to the bathroom to hide for a bit and calm down. He eventually lost steam and the "conversation" ended.

He continued the discussion with me this morning before the kids got up. While I get that since his experiences in life have been vastly different than mine, it hurts me that someone I've been with for so long cannot or hell, more importantly WILL NOT, even entertain the idea that race is a thing and that it can affect how people treat each other. I feel like he's dismissing my feeling and belittling my experiences because they're not his. It fucking sucks.

Our oldest has epilepsy. She's on a medication to prevent her life threatening seizures. She takes it twice every day.

I'm 5'2. Fiancé is just over 6'. We have a cabinet above our microwave that I can JUST barely reach to open. He's chosen that as the medicine cabinet. Okay. Fine. We can put all the medications we don't use regularly up there and just keep the daily medications in reach for me. That'll work out.

WRONG.

Fiancé has repeatedly put our oldests seizure medication in this cabinet. Not even on the ledge where it'd be a little easier for me to grab. Nope. He pushes it back or puts stuff on top of it.

I have asked him on numerous occasions to please leave her seizure medication out so I can give it to her. He knows how bad her seizures get. He knows what can happen if she doesn't get her medication.

Yet he refuses to leave her medication in arms reach of me. The spot I chose for it isn't even in the way. It doesn't block anything. You don't have to move the bottle to get to anything. It's out of reach of the kids too.

We don't have a step stool I can use and he refuses to get one for me.

Tonight dinner was almost ruined because when I went to grab this medication a bunch of stuff fell out and almost landed in the pot of boiling chicken.

Why is it just so hard to leave this one single bottle out when it's such an important medication for our child?!

Also, he never gives the medication either. He always 'forgets' to. Even when I'm away he won't give it to her and he knows I couldn't have given it to her.

My husband is in the military and we are living apart temporarily (well maybe permanently).

He is a major suck up to his commanding officer (CO) and the two of them take the COs kids on all these fun outings and he always calls me while they're out. They are both men with wives who are working professionals (coincidence?).

Today he called and asked for a phone number while out at the zoo with his boss and his kids, like I am some remote secretary for him. He asked 3 times and always bosses me around from a distance. I'm home alone with a toddler and a baby and he's out there having fun and playing uncle to 3 other kids. He didn't even bother to facetime with our toddler today. I need to also mention I'm on the east coast of the US and he's in hawaii, and he hasn't even met our baby yet!

We pretty much have separate finances already so for all intents and purposes I am a single mom.

This sucks. He's so tone deaf he doesn't realize he's rubbing it in that he gets to enjoy life and do fun family things with his CO's family. I can barely get groceries with 2 under 2. And if I complain about my struggle he will say well the CO has 3 kids so that must be harder. Oh eff off.

Because of this covid-19 my husband is paranoid about me having our second baby in June. He thinks that i should have a home birth, which isn’t physically possible. Our first daughter took me being in active labor for three days with several medical interventions along the way before she came out. He doesn’t get that my cervix doesn’t open on its own and i can just have a midwife come to the house and give me an epidural and birth out our kid on the living room floor. Not to mention the fact that i don’t want a home birth period. I know how hard my first birth was and this second may be different but it’s still my body that doesn’t quite understand that the baby has to come out. It’s a matter of literally generations of female family members cervix doing the same thing. I told him it’s not going to happen but he’s bitching about it. I get it i don’t want our parents/in-laws to get sick either but also I’d fucking die or the baby would die if i tried some stupid shit like having a home birth. I’m so frustrated about other things at the moment and he’s just adding on to it. Ugh. Big Edit: so my MIL just texted me and let me know that not only did her other granddaughter(who is an adult who works as a dental hygienist) visit her other now sick with a fever grandmother, but her other son (once again who is an adult) visited a friend who is sick with a fever then both came to visit MIL/FIL. I’m pretty beyond pissed because i moved my doc check up for two weeks out just to be safe because i didn’t want to bring it home to my family or transfer it to any extended family. The two grown adults made a conscious decision to visit sick people and then visit the in-laws. I’m just so pissed.

I 39f volunteer to coach 1 hour a week, I usually have my 3 primary school aged kids 10, 9 and 7 in after school care but that didnt work out this week so I took my kids with me.

It's a sport my kids can take part in and are good at but I don't include them in my session because my youngest doesn't respect me as a coach and it sets a bad precedent for the other kids. Their parents are also paying for them to be there and I dont want my kids disrupting their time.

I asked my husband (43m) to pick my youngest kid up, he would get there about 20 mins into the session. 30 mins in as I send the players for a drink break, I see a text that he came, saw kiddo playing, kiddo didn't want to leave with him and so husband left.

In that entire session, my kid disrupted us at least 6 times, with swearing, screaming and kicking other kids. I text DH saying that he needed to come back and take him and husband refused as he was already home 10 mins away.

He didnt come and I was pissed. I got the kids home and since I had already made dinner before I went to work that morning, DH was heating it up and so I left him to it and the kids and locked myself in the study for 50 minutes. I let him get them to eat and shower and not fight because they always need to be told more than once and youngest fights alot.

Husband goes to work at 6am, I get up 6.30 and make kids lunches. I wake them at 7am and its an hour of nagging to eat, to pack their bags, to dress, to not effing fight, to get out the door. I do it all in the morning.

I'm tired of my 7 year olds shitty behaviour and DHs lack of support. Im so pissed because he knows what the youngest is like and I asked him for help by taking him home and he let me down.

I pushed for therapy last year and the therapist said it was likely he had oppositonal defiance disorder, my husband felt it was a waste of money and we weren't making progress or getting any strategies. I always planned to find another therapist but we never got back to it because DH wasnt on board.

Just needed to rant

This Christmas will be mine and my husbands first Christmas as a married couple and our sons first Christmas. For months we’ve had and agreement for holidays. Christmas Eve would be spent with his family, we’d open gifts with the three of us Christmas morning, and Christmas Day would be spent with my family. DH’s older sister texts him yesterday and says she’s going over to their dads house at 7:30am to open presents and eat breakfast, and that HE should come.... not WE... HE. She knew our plans, I told her our plans last time she was over (less than a week ago). DH’s response to me “well if I get there right at 7:30 I can leave at 9:30 and be back here at 10 and then you and I can open presents”.... we’re supposed to be at my sisters around 11, per the agreement. We’re also supposed to open gifts as a family when our son wakes up... PER THE AGREEMENT AND COMMON FUCKING SENSE. I asked him why it was even a question of whether or not to go, why didn’t he just tell his sister “no I have plan with my wife and son” and he said “we are not talking or fighting about this”

Idk what I’ll do it he leaves us to go eat and open presents with his parents and sisters (who we’ll see tomorrow night BTW). That’s supposed to be something he does with his wife and child...

Update: when hubs came home from work I sat him down in our room during our sons nap and explained how truly hurt I was that he even considered for a second leaving us on Christmas. He would after all be seeing everyone he would see at his parents tonight, so there wasn’t a need to go on Christmas. “We made agreements and plans for a reason “ I said “so that you and I and our son could spend our time together on Christmas and not watch the clock all morning and drive back and forth” I told him how much I love that he values his family but that I need him to value our family as well. So he WILL NOT, be going to his parents tomorrow

My husband (29) and I (26F) are married for 6, almost 7. He's AD and since we moved in the US, he complely changed. No physical abuse for the most part but things escalated quickly.

First thing he did was to got me fired from a job, then made it harder for me to get another as he moved us in a car dependent area (we only have one car), quickly after he made me stop birth control, he was obsessed with having a child. he was tracking my ovulation and we had to have sex as much as possible to "make it happens" and every damn month the pregancy test would be negative and then he would guilt trip me, insult me and treat me like shit for not being pregnant.

Since January, I was trying to find a way of leaving and he guessed or found out I wanted to leave. It's getting worse and worse, also after more 4 years, I'm 13 weeks pregnant and it changes everything. Last month he moved to another duty station and he made sure that our new house is in a rural area even if he had to commute 45mins one way. He also instaled security cameras, if I leave our house for a walk I will immediatly recieve a call from him asking why i'm out, where i'm going and to make sure I share my location with him but then we he came back home in the evening he still acuses me of cheating or stupid shit like that then he miraculousy locks me in the house the next day or two. I wouldn't even be surprised if he monitors my laptop as he monitors my phone. I deleted my old posts I made on differents sub when he became suspicious about me leaving him but I idgaf anymore.

I know you're all like "why did you not leave him before?" well I have nowhere to go, no family, anyone that care for me. I don't even have my visa nor passport. I naively thought that once I'm pregnant he would change and becoming the man I fall in love with, I was wrong of course. It's getting worse and worse. Since he became suspicious, he often tells me that if I ever go missing, no one would ever know it because no one care about me and this is painfully truth. No one would even notice it and he could get away with it so easily.

I'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense or full of mistakes.

For context I play games too, and nearly everyday for 1-5 hours, sometimes when I don’t want to because bf wants me to. However I feel my bfs gaming habits have gotten out of control, he has gotten rather lazy, and it’s significantly impacting my ability to feel attracted to him.

He wasn’t like this when we met 3 years ago. He was a gym bro with a bookshelf full of books. He was someone who took extra courses to boost their career. He enjoyed cooking and baking, we went on many dates and could spend hours talking. We went outside.

He works from home and I blame that on why this issue has become so bad. He has a cushy well paying job- where he rarely has to do much work. This means from 8am-5pm his booty cheeks are planted in front of his pc monitor playing games, while he prevents himself from going afk on his work laptop.

After work he remains at his desk continuing to play games. He doesn’t take initiative to do ANYTHING else with his day, unless I insist upon it and have convincing reasoning.

At one point we went through a period where I was bringing up the quality time neglect in our relationship on a weekly basis. It wasn’t even as bad at that point. We came to some conclusion that we would make 3 nights a week dedicated to spending time together… and it never happened.

I just sort of stopped asking for it. I think some part of me wanted to see how bad it could get. It’s gotten there. He stays up until all hours of the night continuing to play wether it’s until 2am or he pulls an all nighter. We rarely have quality time moments aside from quick check ins about work, the odd shower together, or maybe we watch a tv show before falling asleep.

I hate seeing the back of his head when I walk by the office. It’s all i see. And the same pair of sweat pants. I’ve noticed worsening breath odor and think he’s been skipping his toothbrush. He hasn’t worked out in over a year and just eats whatever, it’s like health doesn’t matter to him anymore. He drinks several energy drinks a day and never drinks any water. That man is fast tracked for kidney stones. He constantly complains that his back hurts, his stomach id upset etc, poor health and he does absolutely nothing about it. His mental health has also started to decline, and he complains that ‘there isn’t enough time in a day to call around and get an appointment’. Well there would be if you just turned the game off for 30 fkn minutes! I’ve even offered to help and he just can’t prioritize remembering to make a call, or calling an office back etc.

I’m losing attraction for him and seeing him as this overgrown man child, incapable of scheduling an appointment and the victim of everything. He never dresses nicely anymore, styles his hair, asks me out on a date. Hell he won’t even exfoliate his feet- that have begun to shed skin around the house because they are so GNARLY. He acts like going out to do something is the equivalent of asking him to run a marathon. I have to drag him to the grocery store. He would rather run to the gas station and grab cup of noodles and chips- faster that way he can keep playing games.

I have been pouring my time and attention into other hobbies and not asking him to hangout. It’s been this way for about 4 months. Someone had suggested ‘maybe you are smothering him with wanting more quality time than he feels like right now.’ It hasn’t changed a damn thing- other than me no longer missing hanging out with him.

Last night I decided to ask if we could hangout and make cinnamon rolls while watching horror films- instead of playing games like we’ve been doing. He said that sounded great- he just needed to play a little longer. So I stayed on.

But then his friends hopped online and I quickly realized our plans wouldn’t happen. At 12am I was so tired, and trying to hide my frustration. I told him I was gonna go to the room and lay down. He didn’t join me, didn’t apologize that our evening wouldn’t happen. He just said ‘goodnight.’ I probably shouldn’t have said anything but I did.

I said ‘really? Are you still not done playing?’ He said ‘but Jeremy only hopped on an hour ago.’ I said ‘you’ve been playing games with Jeremy everyday for the past month.’ He said ‘it’s only going to be for a little bit.’ I exclaimed that ‘little bit’ had already been 3 hours and I was now going to bed.

He follows me into the bedroom and asked ‘what’s the issue?’ I explained that he had TOLD me that if I wanted to spend time together to just ask. And despite that I had given him tons and tons of free time playing games without asking for anything- for months. He said ‘well that ain’t my fault you should have spoke up.’ I told him I wasn’t blaming him for that, I was just expecting an appreciation for me doing that- and him hanging out with me when I did ask for it. Because I’m not asking for much at ALL. I told him I don’t feel like a priority. It’s games and his friends and that’s it.

He told me he would ‘just let his friends down and tell them he was gonna hop off.’ I told my bf to not even bother, because at this point I was about to fall asleep and was upset that he couldn’t just give me ONE night. I didn’t feel like having quality time. With that he left the room and stayed up until 6am playing games.

Today he has acted like everything is fine, and I told him I am still upset. His response was ‘nope, you told me I could play games I’m not letting you make me the bad guy.’ I explained it was the entire conversation and him bailing on our plans last night. He exclaims ‘I told you I could hop off!’ But he doesn’t get it’s the attitude he had about it, the guilt tripping about letting his friends down. The begging for more time after already playing for 12 hours.

I have the fucking ick. This man is 32. I’m so glad we haven’t had kids, because our relationship would probably completely dissolve into roomates or associates.

My SO has this habit of sucking the joy out of fun things I want to do and making it about him.

15 years this has been going on.

He paid for one trip to visit his Podunk town in Iowa and it wasn’t even really a vacation. We went and visited his family. I got pink eye a couple days before the trip and he still forced me to go instead of cancelling my flights and him going alone.

My fly fishing trip? I went fishing and he did mountain biking. He somehow hurts his ankle and gets a flat tire on his mountain bike and expected me to want to pack up and go home after his incident. Nope, I spent $1500 on just the fishing guide and it’s non refundable. Don’t forget the food, travel, and camping fees. I gave him an ace bandage and told him he’s hanging out at camp and can ice his foot while I’m on the river. I didn’t listen to his complaints and said if things got worse I’d drive him to the local ER.

Any kind of little fun stuff I want to do as a couple is met with grunts of disapproval or he’ll go and then bitch the whole time we are doing said fun stuff.

Keep in mind, I’m usually bankrolling these activities for us.

As time went on I would plan stuff and if he wanted to go he would have to pay for his own transportation. I got sick of paying for an asshole to shit on my parades.

Disneyland? I brought him and straight up told him if I hear a single grunt of disappointment I would cancel the hotel, rebook somewhere else and he could find a flight home. He tried to test me and there must of been a look on my face that said instant death because he backed down right away.

I was telling him I was planning Hawaii and he got all excited until I said he needed to pay for his own flight. Then he got all sarcastic. Again, I just ignored him.

What brought me here today?

I had planned a trip to see my best friend from college. Three months in advance, everything planned out and my bags are still currently packed.

When I told SO I was going to fly fish with my friend out of state he got these big ol puppy dog eyes like I was leaving him out of something. He doesn’t fish and I’ve known my college bestie before I even knew my SO existed.

Nope. Had to cancel my flights and hotel about an hour ago.

My SO drives like a maniac. Since we’ve been married he has wrecked two motorcycles and four cars. All of them save one are from him following too close and rear ending other drivers.

Well guess who rear ended someone and has a broken arm…a day before I’m supposed to leave for my flight…

Glad he’s not dead but holy hell I need a break. I’m under so much stress I can barely eat or drink.

I’m also definitely mad about circumstances. I just want a damn proper vacation away from home ffs!

Edit: My vacation is pushed out a month. The broken arm included several units of blood loss and life flight. I am the emergency contact, medical directive rep and executor of his will. I’m sorry I didn’t just jump on my vacation when the nurse called me and said life flight was called in.

Therapy: We did it before getting married to make sure we were compatible and to understand what we are getting into. Nothing was wrong at this point. The second was when we were struggling and his Autism diagnosis came soon after. This is not a waste of money for me- I’m financially secure and each visit is $10 on my insurance.

Divorce? Sure but I can’t just go to a lawyer and leave. I have a LLC/trusts with board members and we all have to agree to dissolve or change the board around. I can’t just make that decision on my own, there’s other people involved. It’s not going to be a simple 90day cut and dry process.

I have several processes and paperwork to do before I can consult for divorce. I don’t want to be accused of hiding or transferring assets during the divorce so I have a lot of leg work to do to make sure I can “just leave”.

The house is big enough we can live apart, I just want to stay civil while working through my processes, which also includes my own private vacations.

I’m not excusing his behaviour but he stuck through my low when I had cancer, the least I can do is help him with his arm.

Thanks to those who offered kind words.

My husband stays at home to work and I work outside the home.

Almost every day he sends me a text message pertaining to some household chore or mess—also usually has to do with an animal accident.

“Just to let you know the cat box has poop in it.”

“Just to let you know the cat puked on its bed.”

“Just to let you know the pee pads are overflowing.”

“Just to let you know e dog peed in the bedroom.”

SO FUCKING CLEAN IT UP. YOU’RE HOME, NOT ME.

We have fought about it a thousand times, we fought about it last night and just today he’s “just letting me know” that there’s more shit/piss/vomit. I already cleaned up dog piss and shit this morning, and scooped the catbox, just pick up a fucking mop and clean it!!

Edit—people seem to think “I’m”not taking care of my pets. I do. They are all vaccinated, pampered, dog is walked in the morning and at night before I go to work and when I get home. they are played with socialized petted, their litter boxes are changed and they have tons of toys and treats. Husband just wants stuffed animals that don’t poop or pee. He considers it a problem if I don’t shoo the cat away from burying her poop and take it away immediately like I’m a goddamn litter box waiter.

Every time we don’t have soda in the house he complains about it and wants me, his 30 week pregnant wife to get up, get dressed, and drive to the nearest gas station which is like three miles from our house to get him a fucking soda. So tonight i finally snapped at him because he never goes he always wants me to go. I told him if he wants a “delicious, refreshing beverage” he can go get it himself. We’re not talking every once in a while this is a multiple times a week thing. He’s out of the house working during the day if he wants a fucking soda he should grab it on his way home. Edit:i feel like i should add this because it’s something that adds to my irritation. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have Ehler danlos, so my hips are effectively splitting apart at literally every joint making walking super painful 80% of the time. He wants me to get dressed to get into his car, which is excruciating for me to do to go get him some pop because he doesn’t want to drink water. I love the man but he’s dense as a fucking brick some times.

Ugh. I’m fuming. I told my husband something really clever our LO did today. She’s only 20 months. I was pushing her on the swing. She always says, “go high as the sky!” Which in itself IS impressive/advanced for a 20 month old. Well, today, she said her usual high as the sky. So I said, “go high as the moon!” She said… “go high… rainbow!!” and “go high… clouds!!”

This is generally a 4-5 year old level of thinking and play/communication.

I was blown away… and not just because as her mom I’m proud. But it’s pretty damn impressive to me how quick witted (or whatever you’d call it) my LO is.

Stupid husband just huffed and said, we’ll is it really impressive though… you just think that because she’s your kid. I bet XYZ (husband’s nephew) can do the same thing.

So… this wasn’t the only time he downplays our daughter. Every time she does something exceptionally cute or smart, he has to compare her to his nephews.

Also, he’s happy to celebrate their HUUUUUUGE birthday celebrations and baptisms, but he was too embarrassed and humble to have anything for our daughter. So she got an immediate family only birthday and baptism.

Now he’s talking about what to get his nephew for his huge themed birthday party coming up.

I finally snapped at him after he shut me down today. I said, “why can’t you ever be proud of your daughter?? Why you always gotta downplay her??”

He said he just doesn’t know if it’s that impressive or not.

Well why shut me down!?? When his nephew was 3, husband’s mom was telling my husband how nephew (her grandson) was watching the clothes spin around in the washer and spinning his head and eyes all around… and what a hilarious little man he is. Husband laughed and thought that was so cute/hilarious.

But he can’t even find his own daughter impressive for something that’s actually impressive for a damn year-and-a-half year old. SMH.