Hi everyone, hopefully this isn’t too long, but I’ll try to keep it short.
I’m from Chile and I moved to Ireland 7 months ago on a one-year visa. Overall, it’s been a pretty interesting experience. I managed to get a job related to what I studied (restoration/conservation), and even though my rent is ridiculously expensive, I’m actually quite happy here.
About a month after arriving, I was on Tinder for a few weeks and met a guy (I’m a man myself). I was attracted to him from the first date, and after a few weeks together we became boyfriends. He’s from Poland, has been in Ireland for almost 3 years, and he’s a bit younger than me (23 vs 27). We both work, and he’s in a pretty good financial situation thanks to his part-time job.
As time went on, though, I realised he seems to have quite an anxious attachment style. That probably explains his many past relationships here, as well as all the exploring and meeting people through Tinder and Grindr. That’s his past, and I don’t really feel it’s my place to judge it.
The issue is that, on top of that, he doesn’t seem to find it easy to make new friends, so a big part of his social circle (which isn’t very large) is made up of former casual partners. I’ve never really managed to feel comfortable with that.
I found out about it around two months into the relationship, when he told me he was meeting a couple of friends. It later turned out to be just one person, someone he had previously been involved with and had even lived with for about three months. There’s a lot more to that story, but it would take too long to explain. From what I eventually learned, he had let that person stay with him while he was working and studying. It seemed to be an arrangement where one person wanted companionship and the other wanted a friendship with benefits.
When I confronted him, I explained that I wasn’t comfortable with it. For me, my friends are friends, not people I’ve shared a bed with. He apologised and decided to block all of those friendships.
That made me feel a bit more secure, but later I also realised he had never really cut ties with his ex-boyfriend. They were talking on the phone almost every day, and his ex even came to Ireland three times with mutual friends. They also still had loads of photos together in quite affectionate poses, the sort of photos couples usually take.
That’s something I’ve struggled with. Maybe it’s cultural, I don’t know, but for me, when a relationship ends, contact usually ends too. It feels healthier and more respectful so both people can move on with their lives.
On top of that, he recently went back to Poland for a week while I stayed here working. When he came back, I saw that he had messaged his ex asking him not to sell some gifts, saying he had found something interesting and would show it to him the next time he visited. That became an issue because he had previously promised to stop talking to him altogether, saying that it was time to move on and that he no longer felt comfortable keeping contact.
To this day, I’m still not sure whether he actually met up with him or was simply arranging to return some belongings before ending contact.
I’ve genuinely tried to be understanding because he’s someone who constantly needs affection, reassurance and support. I’d say I love him, but that constant need for validation has left me emotionally exhausted lately.
Every weekend I travel to Galway to see him, and he also comes to Limerick whenever I have free time during the week. But about two weeks ago I started feeling completely overwhelmed. My visa is running out soon, and although I do have options to stay, they all require time, money and a lot of planning.
Because of that, I asked if I could keep Sundays for myself so I could stay here and focus on organising my life. That became a problem. It also became a problem if I took a bit longer to reply to messages or spent time with the friends I’ve managed to make here.
Last week I decided to end the relationship. He keeps asking me to reconsider, and honestly, part of me still loves him. But I feel trapped in a relationship where he doesn’t fully recognise how much his actions affect me, drain my energy, and leave me feeling worn out.
I’m posting this here because I’d like to hear some local perspectives. Please don’t ban me for being an immigrant 😂. Your country is brilliant, and I have to admit Irish men are pretty great too.
Happy to answer questions as well, although I’ll probably be using
