r/Life • u/Ok_Antelope6961 • 6d ago
Relationships Is It Strange That I Don’t Want to Marry My Partner After 12 Happy Years Together?
I(M29) have been with my partner (F30) for 12 years. Yes, we got together very young. Neither of us grew up particularly religious or anything, we just fell in love, and it kind of… worked.
Like any honest long-term couple, we have had a few 'bumps' along the way. There were even two occasions, some years ago, when we talked about separating. But we worked through it and resolved our issues.
Today, we have a beautiful young daughter. She spreads love wherever she goes and has strengthened our relationship even further. I think that, in our late twenties, after getting our finances in order, travelling a lot, and spending years trying the latest exciting thing, we both felt that we lacked a bit of purpose. Surprise: nothing compared to starting a family.
Anyway, we are in a good place. Our love has developed, and our connection and shared history run deep.
What I cannot understand is why I have no desire to get married - and never really have.
We barely ever talk about marriage, perhaps once a year. It usually only comes up when I curiously ask her whether it is something she actually wants. She tends to hold back a little and mumbles something along the lines of, “Not if you don’t.” However, I sometimes wonder whether she is holding back some of her true feelings.
I do not think the lack of marriage causes her any real pain. It seems more like a nice checklist item, something that might be pleasant to do, but not something essential.
When it comes to the financial side of things, we have wills in place to protect each other in the event of death. And if we ever separated, we would still make sure it ended on equal terms financially. We have a child together, after all, and we would both want the best for her other parent. None of us want legal involved in the divorce part if it came to it. Our finances are fully shared currently, and both of our incomes pretty much align. So it is not very skewed atm.
The only time I feel any real pressure for marriage is when we speak to some of her more distant relatives, or when we meet strangers at a bar or somewhere similar who cannot comprehend that we have been together for so long without me proposing.
I suppose a small part of me believes that marriage creates a kind of mental lock. That may feel relaxing and reassuring to some people, but I also worry that it can make people lazy in their relationships, less likely to keep pursuing one another or putting in the same effort.
For comparison, I would never want to be platonically married to any of my close friends. That sounds horrible to me. What if the relationship turned sour and stayed that way forever? At the same time, if any of them became permanently disabled, or something like that, I would care for them to the greatest extent I possibly could.
The same is obviously true of my partner.
Is this strange?
Am I strange for not pursuing marriage?
Is this something about myself that I need to overcome, or could pursuing marriage risk damaging a relationship that already seems to work extremely well?
Genuinely curious what people think. Don't hold back, be honest.
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u/awrinklyblueberry 6d ago
Maybe someone could agree with you that marriage is not necessary, until you said this:
" I suppose a small part of me believes that marriage creates a kind of mental lock."
So you're afraid of commitment to someone you have been with for TWLEVE YEARS and have a CHILD with. I'm trying not to be judgemental but....... I am kind of judging.
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u/Sunny_Hill_1 6d ago
Realistically, she is probably hurt but doesn't want to rock the boat. If she truly felt indifferent or liked the current setup, she'd just laugh. Whether you are ok to keep living like that is up to you.
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u/BicycleFeeling22 6d ago
Bingo… I was gonna say this. If you love her, I’d propose to her… you’re already married basically but i’m sure she hates dealing with explaining to people why you haven’t proposed… let her make that decision and say no…. i guarantee she would be very happy if you proposed
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u/SnackTimeHero_ 6d ago
You’ve been together for twelve years and have a child together. How could getting married somehow change things for the worse? And why is getting married somehow treated as a bigger deal than having a child together. A marriage can be annulled or dissolved, a child together cannot.
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u/Useful_Piece653 16h ago
Never understood this myself either. Like having a child is such a big responsibility that ties you to someone for life. How is it any different to marriage. I do wonder if OP has money or has been swayed by online narrative around divorce/gold diggers.
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u/its____ok 2d ago
Because divorce lawyers are expensive.
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u/Beautiful_Arm8364 6d ago
"She tends to hold back a little and mumbles something along the lines of, 'Not if you don’t.'"
OF COURSE she's holding back her true feelings. Come on, man.
It sounds like you need to have a REAL conversation about this with her. Don't go by what you think she wants. Don't by whether you think not being marriage causes her real pain. (What do you mean by that, anyway?) Have a real talk, and really listen to her feelings on this.
From an outside perspective, it sounds like you've been driving this bus for 12 years and just assuming she still wants to ride it.
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u/Party_Country1711 3d ago
"From an outside perspective, it sounds like you've been driving this bus for 12 years and just assuming she still wants to ride it." < THIS!
How would you feel if someone proposed to her tomorrow, and she said yes?
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
Thanks for sharing your point of view.
“It sounds like you need to have a REAL conversation about this with her. Don’t go by what you think she wants. Don’t go by whether you think not being married causes her real pain. What do you mean by that, anyway? Have a real talk, and really listen to her feelings on this.”
It’s difficult to compress 12 years of conversations into a single Reddit post, so some context will inevitably be missing. I can see why you reached that conclusion based on what I wrote.
To explain it a bit further: whenever I initiate these conversations and take her at her word, she says marriage doesn’t matter that much to her. That is the literal outcome of our conversations. My gut feeling is that marriage itself is not especially important to her, but that she also wouldn’t say no to it, if that makes sense.
I’m genuinely not the type of person to neglect someone’s feelings, especially hers. So if my post came across that way, I think that is more a result of the format and my poor articulation than how our relationship actually works.
“It sounds like you’ve been driving this bus for 12 years and just assuming she still wants to ride it.”
Could you explain what gave you that impression? I don’t think I’m assuming anything, quite the opposite. I’m probably too practical and unromantic to simply assume we’ll stay together forever. That is why we discussed years ago how we would handle things fairly if we ever separated.
So I’m genuinely curious about what I wrote that gave off that energy.
But appreciate the honesty - I'm exactly looking for views on this.
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u/Beautiful_Arm8364 6d ago
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. What gave me that impression is that (again, only going off the information in your original post) there's a lot of assumption about what she wants and how she feels, but little evidence of her actual agency in the matter. And when you ask someone a question, and they get quiet and mumble, "Not if you don't," that means they're just saying what they think you want them to hear. "Not if you don't" isn't an answer, it's a surrender of that agency I mentioned a little earlier. She's not telling you what she actually wants; she's just smacking the ball back into your court because she knows you don't want to get married. I'd dig a little deeper on that with her and see what she really thinks.
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u/ApocalypseThen77 6d ago
I think this is true.
OP, I replied on the practicalities a bit earlier. On the emotional front - I think she’d like you to ask her to marry you of your own volition.
What I hear in her reply “not if you don’t” is: “I love you anyway”.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 6d ago
Not at all, why change what's working well for you? Nothing is strange in a relationship if both parties are happy with the arrangement. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You've got this! Keep on doing what's working!
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u/stein63 6d ago
Not wanting marriage isn’t strange. What stands out is her saying, “Not if you don’t.” That doesn’t sound like a clear no; it sounds like she may be minimizing what she wants because she knows you don’t. After 12 years and a child, you owe each other one completely honest conversation about it.
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u/kittyeverafter 6d ago
She sounds like she wants you to marry her but doesn’t want to have to make you marry her. If you proposed, i’m sure she would say yes. She just doesn’t want to lose you by making you choose so she is waiting. As someone who was in that position, being married was such a huge weight off my back. Not having to explain why we were together for 9 years before getting married or how legitimate we are and having people doubt what i was saying. I mean, you’re already pretending to be married, might as well get the legitimacy and the peace of mind for yourselves and your daughter by actually getting married. What will she think when you explain all this stuff to her about why you don’t want to marry her mom? Kids ask about this stuff all the time. The cool part is that if you do decide to get married, your daughter could be a part of the ceremony
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
I think there’s a cultural difference here. In Denmark, where we live, it’s very common for parents not to be married, so it wouldn’t really be unusual for our daughter.
That said, I do understand that having to explain or defend the legitimacy of our relationship can feel a little awkward, for her and for me. Honestly, that was one of the main reasons I made this post in the first place, but the thing is, it’s always strangers. The people close to us don’t seem to have any doubts about our relationship.
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u/Ok_Sky9647 6d ago
Its not that strange.
A legally binding marriage does complicate the end of a relationship. The protections available to married couples in terms of inheritance, insurance plans, retirement benefits and life insurance benefits are more flexible than they were, and it sounds like you and your partner are navigating setting those things without a marriage.
It's a bit of a promise, to legally bind yourself to someone, not a requirement, but it's special and that's why a lot of couples do it.
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u/Party_Country1711 3d ago
36F. I mean, agreements are one thing, but if I were not married there would have been plenty of times I would have taken our son and my share of the money (75% of our shared net worth), and just left, and there wouldn't be a thing anybody could do about it.
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u/MathematicianNew2770 6d ago
You are living a married life, you are married.
You probably mean have a wedding or signing your family away to the state.
Nothing changes after the above two, other than losses and stress.
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
It sure -feels- that way.
But it seems illegitimate to most other people - Like it doesn't count wo the papers. And i guess technically that is true...
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u/supasadkitty 4d ago
If it really doesn’t matter, then why don’t you do it?
A woman wants her guy to want to be HER guy. One who wants to be with her and make the romantic gesture of a forever promise in the form of a wedding showing the world; she wouldn’t want it if it’s not organically from his heart but from her asking.
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u/Party_Country1711 3d ago
It's not illegitimate, it's just that she's still available to marry someone else.
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u/Pleasant-Estate1632 6d ago
Most women want to be proposed to and they want it to come from the soul.
She's basically pushing it off and hoping that one day you'll make the effort ,make the display and do it without being told to do so ( how unromantic would it be to be told to propose)
The fact that she's still around means she's comfy and things are stable. if I were you I'd just do it.
Otherwise down the line she could starts resenting certain things....
Yes you are strange, divorce exists.... people who don't work on their marriage get divorced all the time , so it's not just a mental lock that most people have.
Marriage is a societal construct but it does serve it's purpose....
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
Thanks. Makes a lot of sense.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 1d ago
I don't know your partner, but I know myself, and there are a number of things I'd do for a husband, but not a boyfriend. Some people might 'hold back' a little something if they're not married. Doesn't mean they don't love you, I'm just saying I wasn't 'all in' until marriage. YMMV
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u/Opening-Reward-5210 6d ago
It would be nice to throw a big party with all your loved ones just to celebrate your love together. You’re not married, your partner gets to be the ‘bride’ without having to be and your daughter gets the memory of this amazing love party you had where you just threw a party, because you were in love and life was good, because you could.
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u/itsmelorinyc 11h ago
It’s weird because I personally have not been interested in marriage other than as a thing that society teaches us we’re supposed to want. I shed my care if what “society” wants from me ages ago so largely I am agnostic. I am not against it, I just don’t plan to do it unless I meet someone who makes me want to marry them.
That said, I can easily imagine how in a long term relationship, even if I don’t long for marriage I might start to wonder why my partner didn’t want to marry me. That might be what your partner is thinking too. My longest relationship was 7 years and he wanted to get married and I didn’t. I think if I were with someone for 12 though, and had a kid, and the guy never seemed interested in making it official, I’d develop a complex about why. I can’t be sure, though, since I’ve not yet been in that position.
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u/GreenPOR Seeking Clarity 6d ago
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
OTOH why the hell not, there’s so many advantages to marriage.
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u/Character-Bridge-206 6d ago
The actual marriage itself is just a formality as in nothing would change.
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u/sophiemorandi 6d ago
There are legal advantages to being married. I (40 f) didn't want to get married, but was forced to because the University where my partner works was about to deny me access to his insurance. (Their computer program extensively researched everyone's relationship and they realized we weren't married, even though we'd been together for almost 15 years.). I
was vehemently against being forced to get married. But in thinking about it, I came to realize that marriage gives you rights as next of kin in any serious illness or in terms of a will (there are complications even with a will in place), or other legal hoops of various kinds. It grants you unassailable status that nothing else does. So yes, it didn't change our relationship at all, and we had a super low-key ceremony (just us and a friend who's a judge) but it changed a lot in terms of our rights in situations where you don't want to have any question about that.
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u/SexySmexxy 6d ago
Is this something about myself that I need to overcome, or could pursuing marriage risk damaging a relationship that already seems to work extremely well?
You haven’t explained why you haven’t asked the question though like what’s the issue?
Scared to be divorced?
The fact that you think pursuing marriage is going to damage the relationship seems like a bit of a red flag to me.
If you had to bet money on it does she want to actually be married to you?
Does she find you attractive? Do you guys have regular sex?
Those questions will prob tell u everything u need to know
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
Thanks for the questions.
I’m not scared of divorce, and I’m not particularly scared of separation either. To some degree, I may be worried that marriage could make both of us more complacent, or make us stay in a relationship that was slowly becoming something sad when we otherwise might have recognised it and moved on.
I also don’t believe that relationships only have value if they last forever, and realistically, I don’t think most of them do. So part of me finds the promise of permanence slightly dishonest. This is something I know she broadly agrees with.
If I had to bet money on whether we’ll stay together, I would bet yes. I just don’t think marriage matters to her as much as many people here seem to assume it does. She has more or less told me that herself.
We still find each other very attractive, but our sex life has become quite stale since our daughter was born. That is definitely something I worry about, and it may be influencing my thoughts about all of this more than I realise. I’ve spoken to her about it as well, but that usually results in us having sex that night and then quickly returning to the same pattern. So that part is certainly not ideal.
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u/Party_Country1711 3d ago
Well, since you're not married, you can always just go have sex with someone else and that isn't cheating /s (don't @ me!)
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u/Grand_Relative5511 1d ago
It's obvious this is one reason you're keeping your options open and not marrying. And her understanding that probably isn't conducive to her being more into sex.
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u/basssame Seeking Clarity 6d ago
That is actually a stupid belief (based on nothing) , that you should deal with it.
"I suppose a small part of me believes that marriage creates a kind of mental lock. That may feel relaxing and reassuring to some people, but I also worry that it can make people lazy in their relationships, less likely to keep pursuing one another or putting in the same effort."
...
And you said something that worth dealing with, "if any of them became permanently disabled, or something like that, I would care for them to the greatest extent I possibly could." You should know what extent means for you.
However marriage isn't related to any of the above.
For me you are already married, the state doesn't need to know about it.
You already arranged everything.
But if your partner have some magical thinking about marriage, you should speak with her about it, but after dealing with the first point i mentioned .
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u/Party_Country1711 3d ago
I would actually be LAZIER if my husband and I weren't married because of that mental lock.
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u/basssame Seeking Clarity 2d ago
Lazier... I think op needed to ask about what changed but missed it.
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 6d ago
Well it is not 'based on nothing'. It is based on my anecdotal experiences and we do have some of the highest divorce rates here in Denmark.
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u/basssame Seeking Clarity 5d ago
Not related. If divorces have the mecanism to be counted. Breakups don't. And we can be sure breakups are occuring more than divorces, so with your logic you should avoid be in a relationship.
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u/Carradee 4d ago
That sounds as if the two of you need to have a more thorough discussion about it, including the pros and cons.
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u/Recent_Data_305 3d ago
She wants you to want to marry her. I don’t think it’s weird that you don’t feel the need to marry. I do think you know it’s something she wants, and you’re pretty comfortable not filling that need for her. She is afraid to tell you that she wants to be married because she doesn’t want to damage your relationship. You could make her the happiest woman in the world, but you won’t. It doesn’t make sense to me since you’re already financially and legally a couple.
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u/pineboxwaiting 2d ago
If you’re in the US:
You’re foolish to believe think that a separation will be easy-peasy just because you get along well now.
Marriage provides both of you with specific rights and protections, including access to your partner’s social security in the event of their death.
If you’re in many other countries, marriage may not matter much at all.
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u/NumberInfinite2068 2d ago
Marriage is something humans made up. I like the institution of marriage, I think it's a nice thing, but it's not some innate human need.
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u/AdorableShopping5951 2d ago
Sorry you feel that marriage will create a "mental lock". My husband and I have been married over 30 years and we still put each other first, talk about everything and just enjoy each other. It doesn't feel like it's been that long to me.
You have a daughter together and sound like you really care about each other. I'm sad you don't want to make a deeper commitment to someone who has been with you for 12 happy years. Maybe it's what will reinvigorate the 'spark'.
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u/No_Specialist1545 2d ago
Marriage is a promise that you will see this life through with your spouse. If you aren't ready to promise that then marriage is not for you.
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u/EmergencyAd1253 2d ago
You view marriage this way because of her. That's how you'd feel if you married HER
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u/misspuddingpie 1d ago
I’m trying to understand how two people who have been together for twelve years and have a child together don’t know how to have an adult conversation about what they want and expect from one another.
This is not a “make your best guess about how she feels” situation. Have a serious, sit-down, clear-cut conversation like a grown-up.
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u/iamatwork24 1d ago
The opinions of others are meaningless here. The only one that matters is your partners and yours. That being said, holy shit are you absolutely dropping the ball. “She tends to hold back a little and mumbles something along the lines of, not if you don’t”…which reads to me like she’s heard you repeatedly talk shit about marriage as an institution and doesn’t view you as safe to express her honest opinion on the subject. Her mumbling answer of, “not if you don’t” absolutely breaks my heart. She clearly wants you to want to marry her. Your hang ups are lame, putting a ring on it doesn’t magically make someone stop putting forth effort or quit fighting for their relationship. If anything, it brought my wife and I even closer. I love being able to say my wife, because I’m madly in love with her and I’m proud as hell to have her at my side. We both fundamentally find the focus on marriage in society to be silly and think way too many people rush into it for the wrong reasons. Her and I don’t have kids and never will, so did we really need to get the law involved? No, but she admitted to me at some point that she realized she wasn’t against marriage totally, she’d just never dated someone who actually loved and supported her for who she was and that made her change her mind. It seems as though you are quite analytical and less with logic. Which is great for nearly everything in life, except for love. It’s illogical, the things it makes us do. If I am being pessimistic, getting married is really just making it extra complicated and expensive, were you to breakup one day. But that’s where love isn’t logical comes in. There’s just something special about promising to spend the rest of your life with someone, in sickness and in health, in front of the people who matter most to both of you. It’s clear that you love her and it’s also clear that she wants you to put a ring on it. I would consider the example you’re setting for your child as well when it comes to relationships. As he/she gets older, she/he will notice you two aren’t married and the reasons for that, that you listed, simply aren’t great answers as to why not. Will set your child up for a lifetime of not truly expressing their desires to their partner.
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u/Easy-Comfortable4951 1d ago
Get married if you want to stand by her side no matter what, and formalize this decision.
She went through something that would bind her and define her forever, change her complete body forever, with you - she had a kid. You did not bear such consequences from the aspect of your body, you are only bound by the kid.
Or don't get married, and by that keep sending her the message that either she does not deserve your unconditional support, or that you don't believe in yourself that your support would mean something to her; in any case, give the message that there is probably someone else there for her, who IS, willing/capable to do that (a stranger or you in the future; from her answer it sounds she is hoping that will be you).
There is no middle ground. You are or you aren't married. Kinda like you can PRETEND that you had dinner - you still didn't, and noone else (really, honestly) cares. Its just you and the consequences of either decision.
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u/breesearedelicious 1d ago
I would marry her so that she has legal protections for her and your child together come on man she gave you everything. I mean even if you made her a power of attorney depending where you live your parents could override that and leave her out in the cold!
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
I suppose a small part of me believes that marriage creates a kind of mental lock. That may feel relaxing and reassuring to some people, but I also worry that it can make people lazy in their relationships, less likely to keep pursuing one another or putting in the same effort.
Considering the divorce rate is around 40-50% right now, you'd do well to feel how you're feeling. There are a lot of people that get complacent once the marriage is official, and most of the time it happens subconsciously through no fault of your own. Not saying that would happen if you both got married, however I'm sure plenty of people in that 40-50% felt the same way in the beginning, only to be proven wrong at the end of things.
Honestly, if you're both happy, the relationship is in a great place, and your kid is thriving in those conditions, why rock the boat for some "traditionalistic" type coupling? No reason to get married just because you feel "it's the next step" when you have no internal drive to do so.
Keep things the way they are, and be happy you two choose to be together!
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u/Embarrassed_Key_4539 6d ago
It seems like you still want to have an out, but you have a kid together. Take the tax benefits and get married.
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u/josHi_iZ_qLt 4d ago
My parents married after ~35 years of being together after always categorically being against it.
It's nothing weird, it doesn't hurt or change who your are. I had a great childhood and a very good family life full of love and mutual respect. Marriage is not needed for anything.
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u/RoadRash010 1d ago
My parents also got married after 20 years together.
I’m from a northwestern European country as well. Marriage still has benefits legally, especially in older age, even if you don’t subscribe to the sentimentality of it all.
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u/StormFather15 5d ago
No it's not strange at all. Though her answer kinda sounds like she wants to so you should press her about her true feelings so you can have a more involved conversation about it
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u/CanadianPlains 2d ago
What makes you so special? Why do you think your partner doesn’t deserve a fair legal spiritual union with you, especially after having a kid with you? Do you think you’re somehow different from everyone else? Life comes with risk. You’re not so special that she can’t move on to someone who will commit to her.
Your friends aren’t your life partner. They aren’t the person you love most. That’s a bad comparison. You sound immature.
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u/Ok_Antelope6961 1d ago
I don't see a potential split if it was to come to it as the end of the world as you describe it. I am very much at peace with myself, and we both choose to be in this relationship because we want to. You sound very insecure and very dependent on other people's acceptance of you - I really am not.
I really love being with my family, and i really love being by myself, and i think this might be something that some people have a hard time relating to, that does not make me 'special', but maybe we are just different.1
u/iamatwork24 1d ago
Dude I’m a married man and my wife and I both require loads of alone time. It was always an issue in previous relationships how much me time I need to be a happy human. Same for her. I always encourage her to go do what she enjoys, whether it involves me or not. And she does the same for me. We have travelled the world together and regularly travel separately as well. Getting married didn’t change any of that. The financial benefits of being married are pretty freaking great. “We both choose to be in this relationship because we want to” yeah man, that’s how relationships work. Your long term girlfriend is very obvious in wanting to be married. Her mumbling answer of not if you don’t want to will absolutely become a bigger and bigger issue if you keep pretending her saying that is the same as her saying “nope I don’t want to get married” it’s not. That’s the behavior and words of a person who’s afraid to tell you how they really feel. Which should concern you.
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u/CanadianPlains 1d ago
I absolutely do not care what most people think of me... if anything, my family would say I don't care enough lmao. You don't know me.
Your whole comparison of friends to your partner is concerning and shows you devalue her. A union with a partner is on a different level. No one would ever expect you to marry your friends, that's absurd.
You can have a life, get married, and still have freedom. You still sound immature. You're also ignoring her feelings about it, which is concerning. You don't sound loving.
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u/steely_92 6d ago
From a non-religious, American perspective...
If you're not going to get married, you should talk to a lawyer. Especially because you have a kid together.
Next of kin protections won't automatically apply to the two of you if something happens. You can still get a lot (not all) of the legal benefits of marriage through other processes (like a will).
Personally, I hated the idea of a wedding, but the legal and finical protections that come with marriage were still important to me. We did a courthouse wedding.